Chapter 14 In Which I Educate Sahir About Wordplay
In Which I Educate Sahir About Wordplay
I planned to discuss taxes in this class.
I’d put together a list of basic information about them—what they do (in theory) and the way they worked in the United States specifically.
I thought if faeries understood how humans collectively pooled money for the kinds of resources that they could just build with magic, they might understand the monetary system a bit more.
I sat in the cafeteria a few minutes before class, reviewing my list and keeping an eye on my emails.
Guess how much money you owe, my notes said. You might be wrong.
Kellen burst in, panting. His wide white wings vibrated at a speed better suited to a hummingbird, throwing gusts of air about the room and scattering the papers in front of me.
“Lady,” he exclaimed, “I beg your assistance! In exchange, I will provide you with one service. Unless you do not want a service, because humans do not exchange favor for favor.”
I looked up. “Hi, Kellen,” I said. “Are you okay?”
“Okay?” Kellen shrieked. “OKAY? What is OKAY? I am overwrought.” He flung his hands up and—I assumed accidentally—whacked one with his fluttering wing. He brought them back down, wincing.
“Humans actually do exchange favor for favor,” I corrected. “We just—it’s just not as explicit.”
Kellen wrung his now mildly injured hands, beside himself.
“But that’s not relevant,” I added hastily. “Kellen, do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
While Kellen made a noise like a teakettle, the cafeteria doors opened again. Sahir, Lene, and Gaheris came in as a group. Sahir carried his work laptop; Lene carried Doctor Kitten; Gaheris carried nothing.
Momentarily distracted from Kellen, I said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were bringing Doctor Kitten,” hoping she’d note my displeasure.
“I have made an ERROR,” Kellen said before she could respond, his face twisted in anguish.
The Gray Knight came in behind him, Caraya and a few new students in a gaggle at her back.
“Okay, what was the error?” I asked. The doors swung open a fourth time, and a steady stream of faeries settled themselves. Kellen stayed next to me, rocking slightly.
“I went through the portal,” he said. “I still do not know what ‘okay’ is.”
“Oh.” I shoved down the wash of jealousy. It wasn’t Kellen’s fault I would explode if I tried to go home. “What happened when you went through the portal?”
“I SAW A WOMAN,” he exclaimed, and sank onto the nearest stool.
“Okay.” I stopped. “Kellen, I don’t understand what the error was?” I said, more a question than a statement. His wings had calmed to sad, uncertain, occasional flaps.
“And I do not understand ‘okay’!” he snapped, and seemed disinclined to continue.
I looked around the room. We were about half full.
The Princeling had come in and conjured his silver throne, looking uneasy. His wings hung over the side, drooping. He seemed tired.
The Gray Knight stood behind him, her expression unreadable and her arms crossed.
“Start the class,” the Princeling ordered.
“Okay, just give me a second,” I said. “Kellen and I were finishing—”
“Start the class, Lady of the True Dreams,” the Gray Knight said, her voice colder than the Arctic wind. I glanced at her; her eyes were as remote as stars. This was the Princeling’s enforcer, staring me down. For a brief moment I missed the smiling version of the Gray Knight.
“So… today, we can talk about taxes,” I started as I headed for the front of the room.
Kellen’s hand shot up.
“Kellen, I’m not—”
“I SAW A WOMAN AND SHE WAS HUMAN AND I GAVE HER A LEAF I FOUND IN THE PARK AND SHE MOCKED MY GIFT, FREELY GIVEN, AND I SHALL NEVER RETURN TO THE MORTAL REALM AGAIN.”
Sahir looked up from his laptop. I raised an eyebrow at him. He shrugged. This usually meant Do whatever you want. I shrugged back at him, which meant I have no idea what to do.
“Perhaps instead of taxes, you would like to explore human mating rituals,” Sahir suggested.
The tiny smirk twisting his mouth reminded me that he’d sworn fealty to me but he’d never sworn not to put me in mortifying situations he’d find hilarious.
In the depths of my soul, something curled up and died.
“Kellen, do you want to talk about it?” I asked gently. “I don’t think you made an error. I think maybe she just… didn’t see how valuable the gift was.”
“FREELY GIVEN,” Kellen repeated, still at volume.
I glanced around the classroom. “Does anyone have any ideas about why the human woman might have laughed?”
A newer student threw their tentacle into the air, dislodging a good amount of viscous slime. I watched the slime reach its parabolic height and descend, inglorious, into the fires of Gaheris’s head.
“What do you think…?” I asked, trailing off so they would give their name.
“Herman,” the student supplied. “I have spent time in the ocean. I love the ocean.”
“The ocean is great,” I agreed.
“I have watched many human mating rituals from the shallow warm waters by the shore. Kellen should have given her the shell of an Atlantic moon snail, the desiccated corpse of a proud mollusk for her to thread around her neck.”
“Humans appreciate corpses?” asked Herman’s seatmate, a faerie with rubbly skin like a starfish.
“Humans appreciate necklaces,” another classmate corrected before I could jump in. “Herman has misunderstood the value of the gift.”
“Humans appreciate a lot of different things,” I interrupted. “But humans are like you. Everyone places different value on different things. Some people might like seashells, and some people might like leaves, and some people might like necklaces.”
“And some people like corpses!” Herman chimed in.
“Then how could I have avoided my error?” Kellen asked, his voice sunken in despair. “Should I have brought her a corpse as well?”
I hesitated. “I think you need to learn what each person likes,” I said. “I think you can’t give someone a leaf until you know them.”
I glanced over at the Princeling, who had pressed his lips together so tightly they’d all but disappeared. I couldn’t tell if he was suppressing laughter or the desire to strike me where I stood.
We stared at each other. I realized I should probably address the corpse thing before it became a national incident.
“Also, Herman, I appreciate your contribution, but… people don’t like corpses. Please never give someone a corpse.”
And with that, I turned to the scintillating topic of the American tax system.
As I left two hours later, everyone more confused about taxes than when I’d started, I saw Sahir and the Gray Knight leaning against a wall and murmuring to each other. Sahir nodded as I passed, but the Gray Knight didn’t meet my eye.
I woke to someone standing over my bed.
“Did you lie with the Gray Knight?” Sahir asked, ruining my middle of the night.
I groaned and rolled over. “You have been here a month, Miriam,” he continued, in a voice depressingly reminiscent of my freshman-year college roommate’s when she gave me the same lecture.
“Don’t you have better things to do?” I asked, shoving into a seated position because he was clearly geared up for a speech. I stared at his silhouette, a deeper black against the darkness of the room.
He waved his left hand at the will-o’-the-wisp who liked to sleep on my bedside table. The wisp lit up accordingly. “I have many things to do, but I am your knight, and therefore, I have nothing more important to do.”
“Why do you think I lay with the Gray Knight?” I asked, squinting against the light.
Sahir stood over the bed, arms crossed, wearing a loose shirt and black sweatpants. “Because she told me,” he growled. “Do you never listen to me?”
I felt the pit in my stomach opening. “Of course I listen to you,” I said. “But I didn’t…”
“Did you think that because she was the Princeling’s knight, she would not attempt to snare his human pet?
You thought she would not want the clout?
Of course she would! She is the Princeling’s knight.
You do not become the Princeling’s Gray Knight by playing only one game, Miriam.
She knows that humans are often monogamous.
She wants your affection, and through it, your loyalty. ”
I made myself laugh. “Sahir, I don’t have feelings for her. We kissed, that’s all.”
His arms flailed in the air. The last time I’d seen him this agitated, he’d turned into an incorporeal vine monster.
“Can you just like, sit down?” I croaked, scooting back until I leaned against the headboard.
He sighed but sat next to me on the bed, legs stretched out over the covers. He tucked his chin against his shoulder, frowning at me. The light gilded his ear, his jaw, the line of his throat.
“I don’t know her, really,” I said.
Let the record show that I had once imagined having a house and family with the guy who sat next to me in calculus, whose name I did not know. He had broad shoulders.
“And she’s not very nice to me,” I added. Most of the time.
Let the record also show that this had never, ever stopped me from liking somebody before.
“And anyway, my parents wouldn’t approve,” I finished.
Let the record end with the fact that this was a lie. My parents would not care if I brought home a masticated fish stick, as long as the fish stick treated me well and had ambition.
“Are your parents homophobes?” he asked, tensing. “Must I educate them? Do they not know that you are a lesbian?”
I put a hand on his arm. “That’s sweet, I think,” I said. “But I meant because she kidnapped me, not because she’s a woman. And I’m not a lesbian.”
“You aren’t?” He took my hand in his in a gesture that aimed for casual and landed somewhere around calculated. Doctor Kitten, who looked jealous, jumped onto the bed and strutted between our legs.
I had a quick but quite ferocious internal debate about explaining sexualities to a faerie. Then I remembered our earlier classroom discussion. No topic was off limits. “I’m bisexual, Sahir.”
He dropped his head back against the wall. “What’s that?”