Chapter 7
Iwoke up with my head banging and my mouth feeling furry, probably because my head had been resting on a fluffy cushion instead of a pillow. Remembering the nightmare that had been last night’s date, I laughed wondering how Conran had fared after I’d left. I needed to call Shelley to let her know how horrendous the date had been, but right now, I couldn’t be bothered. Christ, I needed a cup of tea more than I needed air to breathe. Kicking off the duvet, I swung myself around and sat up. Not too bad. The room hadn’t spun, and I had no nausea or headache. Luckily for me, I never really suffered from hangovers, other than having a desperate thirst the next day.
A flashback from last night came to me. Fuck, had I really had a sanitary pad stuck to my back? Served me right for buying the cheap ones and not the wrapped sort. But maybe it was time to get my house in order and stop being so damn lazy? Perhaps after a cup of tea, or three, I might even put a wash load on? We’d see. I didn’t want to strain myself. I had work later.
I worked as a waitress at Red’s Steakhouse three evenings a week. The irony that I had to tidy tables, meant when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was tidy up more. I liked it there, but they were currently fully staffed and so had only been able to offer me a part-time position. It was suiting me fine and meant the rest of the week was my own. I loved gaming and spent a lot of my spare time on my Xbox. I sighed. Once upon a time, I’d been enthusiastic with a huge zest for life. Yeah, I’d still been inherently lazy, but I had met up with friends and even went to yoga once a week. Okay, I fell asleep at the back of the class, but I’d still made the effort.
Now I didn’t really have friends. They’d all got fed up with my excuses for not going out, and it wasn’t like I felt able to invite anyone around to mine.
My dry mouth reminded me I needed a drink immediately, and so with a groan, I got out of bed.
* * *
As I made my way downstairs, the first thing that struck me as odd was there was nothing at the bottom of the stairs. No wayward shoes or discarded coats. Nothing at all, except for the mat that was no longer covered in dirt and clearly now revealed the word welcome to me, (upside down of course). My coats were hung on the row of hooks on the wall. I slowly padded my way down the stairs realising that there were no bits on the stair carpet, and no dust bunnies gathered in the edges… What the fuck? Had I been burgled by a tidy burglar?
My umbrella was standing in a large wide vase next to the doorway that I hadn’t put there. It had been in the under-the-stairs cupboard before gathering dust. I softly stepped towards the living room, picking up the umbrella on my way past, ready to beat the shit out of anyone I found tidying while they put all my valuables in a backpack. Flinging back the door, I dashed in shouting, “Fire.”
There was no one there and it appeared I’d not been burgled either. My flat-screen TV and gaming equipment were all still present, except now the games were tidied and were in alphabetical order. The screen was no longer covered in dust.
Thoroughly perplexed, I decided to have my cuppa and then consider how my house had miraculously cleaned itself.
I walked through into the kitchen to find my kitchen and dining table were the same. Everything was tidy. I even had piles of clean and folded clothes sitting on top of the tidy table. Spotting my robe, I slipped it on, breathing in the lovely, long-forgotten smell of laundry powder.
Fuck me. There was only one possible explanation. That I’d been so drunk I’d cleaned. And what was that? On the countertop, I’d apparently written myself a note.
Thank you
It wasn’t even in my writing. I had drunken writing?
Very, very slowly, in case the hallucination I was having wore off, I made myself a cup of tea and then I sat down on my clean and tidy sofa and looked around once more at the immaculate house I was sitting in.
Copious amounts of vodka and coke helped me clean. I wish I’d found this information out years ago. Putting my feet up, I grabbed the remote control. It was no longer sticky, plus I could see the buttons. Bonus!
I relaxed. I figured I deserved it after all the hard work it appeared I’d done in my previous inebriated hours. I’d call Shelley later after I’d been on Just Eat and ordered myself a McDonalds breakfast.