Chapter Nine
CHAPTER NINE
It took Ottilie just over an hour to make the drive from Thimblebury to Penrith. Like many other towns across the Lake District, it was characterised by rambling, mismatched stone houses, crowding down streets like lines of unruly schoolchildren waiting for class. The one Ottilie was heading for was larger than its neighbours, a double-fronted house of grey stone, front door and sash windows painted olive green, and a vast rockery built around a wishing well in the front garden. It ought to have been cute and welcoming, but something about it as Ottilie parked outside make her feel anything but welcomed.
It was hardly surprising, in the circumstances. While her biological father, Conrad, had agreed to meet with her, from what Fion had said, he didn’t sound happy about it, but Ottilie had pushed the bad vibes to the back of her mind. She wanted to know him, and despite his obvious reluctance, the very fact he’d acquiesced to this meant he wanted to meet her too. Perhaps he was curious about the daughter he’d had no clue about until a few days ago. Perhaps he would warm to her. Perhaps he had other, less reassuring reasons – but Ottilie didn’t want to think about those either.
She sat behind the steering wheel, staring at the house for a moment. It was just an ordinary house, with ordinary people living in it, and yet this felt huge, far bigger than that. Her life, and the lives of everyone who lived there, were about to change forever. She wasn’t sure if she was ready, or if she even wanted this now she was here. There was still time to drive away, wasn’t there? Nobody had come out to greet her – perhaps they hadn’t noticed her arrival. Perhaps her mum had been right – perhaps they were better off leaving the past where it had always been up until now: hidden, out of sight and out of mind. Until this point, Ottilie had been blissfully unaware of this man and this family and she’d been happy. Did she need to complicate things?
The decision was taken from her hands as the front door opened and a woman came down the garden path, smiling anxiously. She looked a little younger than her mum – perhaps around ten years or so. She wore a good layer of make-up, and her dark bob was immaculately styled, yet beneath the veneer was someone who seemed weary. Her steps were those of someone who was in some pain, the sort of pain she probably carried with her all the time. Ottilie took a deep breath before opening the door and getting out of the car.
‘Hello,’ the woman said. ‘Ottilie, I presume?’
‘Yes…you must be Caron?’
‘Pleased to meet you, Ottilie,’ she replied, her tone suggesting that she wasn’t entirely sure she was pleased to meet her. In fact, it told Ottilie that she wished she could make all this go away. Ottilie could hardly blame her for that – it wasn’t every day you discovered your husband had a daughter that neither of you had known about. ‘Conrad is making coffee. You drink coffee, don’t you?’ she added, suddenly doubtful.
‘Coffee sounds good. Is Fion home? She said she would be…’ Ottilie asked. Suddenly she was struck by the feeling that she needed her half-sister’s moral support after all.
‘She’s upstairs. I’ll let her know you’re here.’
Ottilie followed Caron inside the house. There was a large entrance, glossy wooden stairs leading to the first floor, a feature window of stained glass overlooking the garden and a period tiled floor that had clearly been cared for.
‘This is lovely,’ Ottilie said, though it was more for conversation than because she thought so. It was lovely, but she was finding it hard to appreciate how pretty the house was while her mind was racing with every possibility of how the afternoon would pan out. She wished she’d let Heath come with her now. He’d wanted to, but when she’d made the decision to come, it had seemed better and less complicated to do it without him.
‘Thank you.’ Caron pushed open a door. ‘We’ve worked hard to renovate it for the last twenty years. It was a shell when we bought it…’ She beckoned Ottilie forward. ‘The kitchen is this way.’
At a counter, a man had his back to them. At his wife’s announcement, he turned. Ottilie held in a gasp. He was handsome – extremely so, despite his age – and she could see immediately why her mum’s head had been turned in a moment of weakness. But it wasn’t a kind, warm sort of handsome, like Heath or Josh. It was hard and arrogant. If Ottilie’s resolve had wavered outside in the car, now that she was face to face with her biological father, it was a heartbeat away from crumbling entirely. He looked far from pleased to see her, and she had to wonder why he’d agreed to the meeting at all.
‘Conrad…’ Caron said. ‘Ottilie’s here.’
He gave a short nod, regarding Ottilie carefully as he gestured for her to take a seat. ‘So you’re Francine’s little secret?’
The greeting set Ottilie’s nerves on edge. Immediately, her mood went from nervous anticipation to annoyance and dislike. Francine’s little secret? As if he had nothing to do with it? All it needed was the word ‘dirty’ to be inserted and her humiliation would be complete.
‘I’m her daughter,’ Ottilie said coldly. ‘I’m also your daughter. Believe me, I was as shocked to learn of our connection as you are.’
‘You’d better sit down then,’ he said. ‘We’ve got a lot to talk about.’
Ottilie’s eyes stayed on him as she took a seat, trying to get the measure of him, some sense of who this man was. She’d expected to come and feel some instant connection, some innate pull, but there was nothing. She might as well have been meeting a new patient. Not even that because with patients she felt some of her professional responsibilities towards them, and that included her own kindness. There wasn’t even that. In his physical features she saw something of herself, but she also sensed that their personalities couldn’t have been more different. His greeting had put her guard up, and no matter how she might want to let it down, as she watched him pour coffee from a pot, she realised it wasn’t going to be so simple.
‘How do you take it?’ he asked.
‘White please, one sugar.’
‘Hmm. How Francine used to take it.’
Ottilie tried not to frown. She glanced at his wife, Caron, who seemed to be doing her best to pretend she hadn’t heard the comment. Ottilie’s heart went out to her. This was probably harder for her than it was for Ottilie or Conrad – stuck in the middle of a situation that had nothing to do with her, the thought of which probably hurt.
‘How she still takes it,’ Ottilie said.
‘Right. And how is she?’
‘Fine. As you’d expect.’
‘And what exactly is that? How do you know what I’d expect?’
The frown Ottilie had been holding back finally creased her forehead. ‘If this is a problem for you, I can leave. I was under the impression that you were as amenable to meeting me as I was you, but?—’
‘That won’t be necessary,’ he said, bringing two cups of coffee to the table and putting one down in front of Ottilie. Caron went to the door and met Fion on the way in. Ottilie’s attention was drawn to them as they exchanged a few words she couldn’t hear. Then Fion smiled nervously at Ottilie as she came to sit with them.
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ Caron said as she left the room.
Ottilie forced a smile for her. She wanted to call her back and tell her there were to be no secrets, but she recognised it wasn’t her place. She and Fion had discussed something and perhaps that was the reason Caron had left.
‘It’s nice to see you,’ Fion said to Ottilie.
‘You too. Your house is lovely.’
‘Mum and Dad did it. Nothing to do with me, I’m afraid. Did you find the house OK?’
Conrad coughed loudly and deliberately, which Ottilie took to mean he didn’t want to listen to their small talk all day.
She turned to him. ‘Have you been married long?’
‘Why do you want to know?’
‘Dad!’ Fion yelped, but Ottilie gave her a reassuring smile.
‘I’m only making conversation. It doesn’t matter if your dad doesn’t want to talk about that.’
‘I wasn’t cheating on Francine with her mother, if that’s what you’re getting at,’ he said, nodding towards Fion. ‘We met afterwards.’
Ottilie sent a swift glance towards the door, wondering how easy it would be to make a dash for it. Already she was wishing she hadn’t come. She’d watched plenty of family reunion shows on television over the years, and they’d mostly been joyous affairs. Those people had certainly seemed happier to see each other than Conrad was to see Ottilie. He looked as if he wished he could kick her out as much as she wanted to escape. But she’d come this far now, and she was going to see it through, even if today made up her mind that this would be the one and only meeting.
‘Caron’s nice,’ Ottilie said. ‘That’s all I meant. I know you weren’t cheating. Do you have children? I mean, children other than Fion and me, from another marriage or?—’
‘What do you want?’ he cut in.
‘To meet you. I thought you wanted to meet me.’
‘You said—’ Fion began, but he regarded Ottilie coldly as he spoke across his younger daughter.
‘Why would I want that? I don’t know you.’
‘I don’t know you either. Isn’t that what meeting is meant to fix? I thought…because you said yes, I thought?—’
‘Fion asked. I said no. For some reason, she asked again, and Caron said I ought to. She said I’d regret saying no. What do you want? Why have you come here now? After all these years?’
‘I told you: I’ve only just found out about you. Mum never said anything, and then Fion?—’
‘She was right not to say anything. I don’t see what good any of this does now. What do you do?’
‘Do? What do you mean?’
‘What’s your job?’
‘I’m a nurse.’ He nodded slowly. Ottilie couldn’t tell whether he approved or not, and he didn’t say so. ‘How about you?’ she asked, hopeful that this was a thread that might open up a more positive conversation.
‘Import export, isn’t it, Dad?’ Fion answered for him.
‘That must be interesting,’ Ottilie said. ‘What sort of things do you deal?—’
‘There’s no money for you,’ he said.
Ottilie’s forehead creased into the deepest frown of the day so far. ‘I beg your pardon.’
‘I said there’s no?—’
‘I heard what you said. I want to know why you said it.’
‘Why do you think?’
‘I couldn’t say. I have all the money I need, thank you very much. And if I didn’t, the last person I’d come to for help is you.’ She got up and pushed the cup of coffee back towards him, composed, though her heart was beating in her ears.
‘Ottilie,’ Fion said, getting up too. ‘He didn’t mean?—’
Ottilie gave her a calm look. ‘It’s all right. I wanted to meet the man who gave me his DNA.’ She turned to Conrad. ‘And now I have, I realise that’s all you’ll ever be – a man who gave me some DNA. My father was a kind, loving, brilliant man. He wasn’t a bit like you. He’ll always be my father, no matter what. Thank you,’ she continued coldly, ‘for making me see it clearly. I won’t bother you again. I wish you and your money a long and contented life.’
‘But, Ottilie!’ Fion began to hurry after her.
‘I’m not angry at you,’ Ottilie told her. ‘We can still meet up. I hope you don’t take it personally, but I have no desire to meet your dad again.’
‘Your dad too!’
Ottilie shook her head sadly. ‘Not really.’
As she marched down the hallway towards the front door, Caron emerged from one of the doors leading off it. ‘You’re going already?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ Ottilie said, mustering every ounce of courtesy she could find for her. It was hardly Caron’s fault her husband was such a miserable misanthrope. ‘It was lovely to meet you.’
‘Oh…’ Caron said faintly, rushing in her pained way to open the front door for Ottilie. ‘You too,’ she called as Ottilie marched down the path to her car.
Fion came outside. ‘You will message me, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will,’ Ottilie said, doing her best to smile for her sister. ‘As soon as I get home. And if things are bad when I’ve gone today, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things awkward, and I didn’t think…It doesn’t matter. But if there’s any trouble, if you need my help, all you have to do is ask.’
Fion nodded. Ottilie wondered whether she was meant to hug her, but in the end Fion walked back to the house and saved her the uncertainty.
She didn’t look back again as she returned to her car. And then Ottilie started the engine and drove away. As soon as she was out of sight of the house, she pulled over and burst into tears.