Chapter 1 #2
Ethan scrubbed his hand over his chin and leaned so far forward the tip of his nose touched the glass. “I honestly have no clue. Doesn’t look threatening.” He checked his phone. “The perimeter guards haven’t reported any unusual activity.”
Vampyre vision was outstanding. It was confounding that we couldn’t figure out the mystery.
Until I squinted harder.
“Jesus Hesus Christ,” I said with a groan, taking my lovely Cousin Jesus’ name in vain. “I think it’s very shiny albinos sunbathing. Naked. But they have hair.” I was so confused.
“Incredibly strange pastime for Vampyres,” Ethan commented. “Although…” He paused as he stared. “I think you’re correct. Has to be Martha and Jane.”
Martha and Jane. The batshit crazy banes of my existence.
The two old bags that I’d had turned when they lay dying at my feet.
They’d driven me nuts when I was human and drove me to want to drink now that we were all technically dead.
To be fair, I secretly loved the hideously dressed old bats.
They’d saved our son when he was a baby and were as loyal as they came.
However, they were also disgusting and socially inept disasters.
The gals were mated to one of my favorite Demons, Lizard.
The guy wore tracksuits, berets, carried a baseball bat, chewed gum incessantly, and could shift into an enormous scaly monster—hence his nickname.
I didn’t even know his real name. He went by Lizard.
As Uncle Fucker’s righthand man, he was both feared and respected.
I adored him. Couldn’t understand his adoration of Martha and Jane, but love was unpredictable. Or, in his case, blind.
“What the actual…?” I questioned, squinting even harder.
“There’s three of them. Definitely Martha and Jane, and they’re slathered up in a thick layer of white zinc.
” Which is why they looked like albinos.
But who was the other vampire with them?
“They’ve convinced or blackmailed another Vamp to sunbathe with them, but under all that sunscreen, I can’t tell who it is. ”
“I’m voting for blackmail,” Ethan said, as he opened the closet and armed himself for the Oklahoma visit. “While most of the Vampyres living in the compound are old enough to endure sunlight, purposely tanning is asking for trouble and serious third-degree burns.”
“Welp.” I shook my head. “Guess I’ll go out and save Jane and Martha’s victim. Might even have to zap the old biddies bald.” Taking another glance, I gasped.
“What?” Ethan asked, alarmed.
“Boobs,” I whispered.
He tilted his head in confusion. “I’m terrified to inquire, but would you care to be more specific?”
I looked one more time. It was confirmed. “Okay,” I said, leaning down, pulling on my favorite tennis shoes and tying them. For a hot sec, I realized why God liked slip-on Sketchers. Pushing the thought away, I got back to business. “Martha and Jane have saggy torpedo tits.”
“I have no clue where this is going,” Ethan muttered with a pained grimace.
“Getting there,” I promised. “Two of the three slimy albino-looking vamps are definitely Martha and Jane, but they have enormous pert knockers. How is that possible? I thought surgery didn’t work on dead people.”
“It doesn’t,” Ethan confirmed.
“Come look,” I insisted. “I’m sure they’re sporting D cups.”
Ethan shook his head, held his hands up in surrender and laughed. “Astrid, I love you. I would die for you. However, looking at something that would cause me to have to bleach my eyes is where I’m going to draw the line.”
I grinned. “I can see how being temporarily blind would be a problem with the Oklahoma turds on your agenda.”
“True,” he replied, pulling me away from the window to very thoroughly kiss me goodbye. “You’re on your own with Martha, Jane, the mystery Vamp, and the bosoms.”
“You’re showing your age,” I pointed out with an amused expression. “Bosom is very cringe.”
He threw his head back and laughed. His laugh undid me. Everything about the man undid me. “I’ll work on that,” he assured me with one last kiss that made my toes curl before he disappeared in a cloud of shimmering green magic.
“So much for sniffing fries,” I said, pulling my wild dark hair into a high ponytail. “I get to deal with greased up dingbats.”
Walking across the lawn toward the rose garden, I tried to figure out which of the Vamps in residence would be ignorant enough to get blackmailed by Dumb and Dumber.
The Cressida House was enormous and plenty of undead lived with us.
Ethan and I had our own floor in the mansion, but everyone lived in luxury here.
Picking a pink rose as I got closer to the mysterious trio, I pulled off the thorns and tucked it behind my ear. The scent was heavenly. I was sure what I was about to see would be anything but…
“Lemme tell you somethin’,” I heard Martha scream with delight. “My melons are so bouncy, I’m gettin’ turned on by me!”
Jane cackled and so did someone else. I didn’t recognize the third voice. Strange.
“Anyhoo,” Martha continued. “Back to the important shit! I’ve got me a bucket list, but I ain’t makin’ no progress with it. Y’all know what I mean?”
“I know exactly,” the unfamiliar voice volunteered. “I have the solution! Change the B in bucket to an F for fuck-it and it will all work out.”
I grinned and tucked that away for future use. Whoever was talking was funny and sounded smart. How could someone with a brain get bamboozled by Martha and Jane? I was about to find out.
“You know who’s gonna be jealous of our nuga-nugas?” Jane squealed.
“Boobs McKnockerTit!” Martha announced. “Ours are FINALLY bigger and better!”
Bigger? You bet. Better? Nope. The nicknames the old turds called me were horrifying. However, I could definitely give as good as I got. As I turned the corner to get to the bottom of the puzzle, I proved it.
“Hello, cantankerous, stank-crotch old geezers,” I announced taking in the scene. It was so much worse up close than it was from a distance.
They were mostly naked. They were topless, but miracle of all miracles they wore booty shorts.
Normally, I was repulsed by Martha and Jane’s booty shorts.
Today, they were on par with Prada haute couture.
They were slimed with sunscreen. Their nuga-nugas had to be an E cup if not an F.
Their skinny bony bodies were completely overwhelmed by their enhanced chests.
I wasn’t even sure they’d be able to stand up without falling over.
It was all so wrong. But… there was something far more sinister going on.
I detected it immediately—a heartbeat, strong and steady.
They hadn’t blackmailed a Vamp. They’d brought a human to our private compound.
I was positive the human wasn’t lunch for the old bags.
Neither Martha nor Jane drank from humans.
They stuck to the bottled blood and their mate, Lizard.
One of the issues in the undead world was about respecting the sanctity of human life.
Vampyres didn’t need to drain humans to eat.
In fact, Vamps didn’t need all that much blood to survive.
It was against Immortal Law to take the life of a human while eating.
It had taken a while and a few gnarly battles to get the old-school bastards on board.
Heck, there were still pockets of blood suckers that had to be dealt with.
Ethan had no patience for those who broke that particular law. Neither did I.
So, ruling out lunch, I had no clue how Martha and Jane could be so fucking stupid as to bring a human here. Treading carefully and getting the greased woman out of here was the plan.
“Lung Mittens LaJugs!” Jane sang getting up to show off her stuff then falling right back to the ground due to what I could only guess was the sheer weight of her inflated knockers.
Cautiously sitting down on a stone bench about five feet away from the bizarre group, I glared at the two I knew. “Who is your friend?”
Martha tried to stand and had the same luck as Jane. This was going to be a problem.
The enigma in question stood up. She didn’t fall. Granted, her knockers were slightly smaller. I was still unclear how Martha and Jane got the new boobs, but I’d get to that eventually. First, the human had to go. It wasn’t safe for her, and it wasn’t safe for us.
“I’m Connie! Connie Raven Enid Delacroix to be exact!” she announced in a slight Boston accent coupled with mid-Atlantic and a touch of crappy British thrown into the bizarre mix. She then bowed to me.
I shot Martha and Jane a vicious glare. They missed it since they were stuck boobs down in the grass. The bow from a human was all kinds of unnerving. I would zap the living daylights out of the jackasses if they’d told Connie Raven Enid Delacroix who I was.
I turned my attention back to the human and eyed her.
It was impossible to tell what she looked like under the mounds of thick slimy white sunscreen.
Her voice sounded as if she was in her fifties or sixties.
Her boobs said otherwise, but it was obvious they were fake.
If she knew who or what I was, she didn’t seem alarmed.
Of course, it was possible she was just as brain matter challenged as Martha and Jane and the bow meant nothing.
“I’m Astrid. It’s nice to meet you, Connie,” I replied, keeping my tone even and neutral. I felt anything but. “I’m so sorry, but you’re going to have to leave. Martha and Jane are needed elsewhere at the moment.”
“Where?” Martha asked, her face still in the grass.
Pressing my lips together and sitting on my hands so I didn’t electrocute her, I forced a smile. I was positive I looked constipated. Whatever. It was better than the alternative of zapping one of Martha’s new boobs off and beating her senseless with it.
“Private business,” I answered shortly. “Sorry for any inconvenience, Connie. If you’d … umm… put your clothes back on, I can have you escorted off the grounds.”