Chapter 6 Astrid
ASTRID
“I can’t read this inane drivel to Ethan,” Satan snapped, looking at the script I’d written with a disgusted expression marring my face. “This is ridiculous. Utter bullshit.”
“What’s ridiculous about it?” I demanded. “It’s exactly what I’d say.”
We’d collectively decided that telling Ethan not to come home for a week would throw up too many red flags.
He would know something was off and transport back immediately.
Seeing me, who wasn’t me, with half my hair gone, red lipstick all over my face and wearing a housedress and Crocs wouldn’t end well.
He’d have a go at Satan, who was me, and that would be very, very bad.
There was way too much on the line to have anything go sideways. Keeping Ethan out of the picture was paramount. He was wicked smart and there was the potential he would figure it out. I wasn’t sure if that would set off the permanence of the body switch, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
We all argued back and forth for over an hour about what to do.
Martha and Jane had suggested us joining them in stalking Simon Cowell.
We declined. Lizard had proposed a baseball game in Chicago with Mr. Rogers, Wipe and the other idiots.
That was a no as well. Although, I was curious about the ball embedded in Wipe’s pit.
Surprisingly, it was Connie who came up with the plan.
A working vacation of sorts in London, England.
She’d said that maybe a fresh landscape would help us with our conundrum.
I’d replace the word conundrum with fucked up beyond repair shitshow, completely blowing my cleaning up my poopy language resolution.
The problem was that the fucking conundrum wasn’t helping me with my goal.
Whatever. Getting away from the Cressida House while wearing an Uncle Fucker skin suit worked for me.
There was less of a chance of being outed if neither of us were on our home turf.
I’d just been in London recently with Ethan and had loved it.
Unsettlingly so, Satan jumped right onto the London location with glee.
I wasn’t sure why, and honestly, I didn’t want to know.
If he was happy, he’d be less of a dick, and that made me happy.
I knew that Ethan wouldn’t buy the vacation scenario completely. Me taking off on a pleasure trip with my uncle was suspicious, so I massaged the script into something that would be more believable.
I looked over the notes I’d made, satisfied they would work, then handed the paper to Satan. “This will work.” I assured him. You just have to say it.”
“I will not,” he insisted. “It’s all lies. I don’t lie.”
The silence lasted twenty seconds then raucous laughter filled the foyer. Even the Devil had the wherewithal to chuckle. Uncle Fucker lied for a living. Saying he didn’t lie was a freaking lie. That excuse would not work for him.
“Listen to how I would say it,” I instructed.
Clearing my throat, I began. “Hi Ethan, I’ve had something weird come up.
Uncle Fucker is all butthurt about Elle and Luke going to Siren Island without him.
He’s going to ask why you didn’t go. You’ll answer—He’s been banned for being a dick.
I think a little trip might cheer him up.
Then he’ll ask why I have to go with you.
You’ll say—He doesn’t have any friends since he’s such a freaking jackass.
We had such a fun time in London, I think it would be nice for him.
Plus, I don’t want him playing dead in public places.
Ethan might be a little confused, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure he'll go for it.”
“My ass is puckered so hard right now,” Satan ground out.
“Why?” I asked with a raised brow. “Does the truth hurt?”
“Your truth is bullshit, and you’re an imbecile,” he announced. “However, being stuck in your body for eternity is not my idea of fun. I shall speak your absurd words. Although, I may add a few embellishments here and there.”
I squinted at him. “Embellishments?”
“I’m excellent at improv. I shall make it better,” he shared.
I doubted that, but I’d be right next to him the entire time. If he went too far off script, I’d light him on fire. The thought of singeing off the rest of my hair that was on his head was painful. But I concurred that being stuck in each other’s bodies wasn’t going to cut it long term.
Pulling out my cell phone, I prepared to dial. The front door swung open and a stunningly beautiful person walked inside, halting our plan in its tracks.
My heart pumped hard in my chest. A wild sensation since I hadn’t felt a heart beat in my chest since becoming a Vampyre.
But watching my son Samuel walk into the Cressida House with a wide smile on his handsome face made me astoundingly happy.
I’d completely forgotten that he was coming over.
Massive disasters can do that to a person.
The excitement of seeing my son had obviously shorted out my brain cells and made me forget a few very important details.
“Samuel,” I cried out, sprinting across the room, hugging him and planting kisses all over his face. “I’ve missed you so much!”
His smile dropped and his expression immediately turned to confusion. “Umm… okay,” he croaked out with a wince, extricating himself from my embrace. “Uncle Satan… it’s umm… nice to see you too.”
Fuck.
“Right,” I yelled, backing away quickly. How stupid could I be?
Apparently, very, very stupid.
“Mom?” Samuel questioned, staring at Uncle Fucker with concern. “What happened to you? Are you alright?
Truth be told, I looked really bad.
But it got worse… before Satan could answer for me, Martha and Jane jumped in. I thanked my lucky stars Mother Nature had put the spell on them. They sucked at keeping secrets.
“Sammy boy,” Martha yelled skipping over to him and almost knocking herself out with her gargantuan left boob. “Your momma’s hoardin’ skunks in the teapot! NO, I mean, she’s loadin’ squirt guns with lube and dancin’ on tabletops at Applebees with Bigfoot.”
Samuel’s mouth hung open at the gobbledygook that had just spewed from Martha’s dumbass cakehole. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the nonsense that Martha had just spoken or the size of her rack. It was probably fifty-fifty.
“What in the actual fuck?” Jane shouted as she ambled over and walloped Martha in the head, sending her flying.
She grabbed Samuel’s arm for balance and tried to explain.
“Martha’s only got two brain cells and they ain’t connected, Sammy-boy,” she told him.
“What she meant to say was that your mammy got arrested for twerkin’ at Target.
No! Wait! She bought a spaceship and played the skin flute at Chuck E. Cheese.”
Samuel tilted his head and glanced over at me… who wasn’t me at all. “Mom?”
“Yes,” Satan said grandly, and bowed. “It is I, your mother. The one who expelled you from my vagina. How is life treating you, son? Are you out and about getting some poon tang? I know when I was your age, I was all about the poon tang.”
“OH MY GOD,” I yelled, trying to save the disaster unfolding in front of me.
I wanted to walk over to Satan and knock his ass out.
However, if I did that Samuel would defend fake-me by attacking real-me…
Motherfucker. I chose to use my words. I had no clue what would come out of my mouth, but that didn’t stop me.
“Astrid is… umm… in costume… for a new play that I’m producing in Hell called…
Vampyre Housewives,” I told my son, lying through my teeth and hoping he bought it.
“She’s in character right now. Method acting.
The lipstick on her face represents the blood, sweat and tears that she’s poured into her family.
And the haircut symbolizes… ahhh… the cut off from society feeling that a housewife can have due to…
house-wiving. I have forbidden her to break character since she wants to win an Oscar. ”
“Don’t you win a Tony for a play?” Samuel asked.
“YES! A Tony,” I amended, hoping Uncle Fucker kept his mouth shut. I was doing enough damage without his help. “She might look like your mother, but she is not your mother at all.”
“This is true!” Satan insisted. “I’ve decided since I’m such a pussy that I needed a career. Satan, bless his black soul, has given me reason to go on. He’s an amazing Demon with an enormous cock.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Samuel asked, sure that I had not just said that my uncle’s junk was huge. Of course, I hadn’t. He had. But that wasn’t allowed to be shared or we’d be in this messed up predicament forever.
I closed my eyes. If I couldn’t see what was happening maybe it wasn’t happening.
I peeked. Nope. It was happening. “NO!” I bellowed.
“Astrid’s simply practicing her lines from the play.
She’s never seen my wank and never wants to.
Ever. Never. Ever. No Devil wank viewing for Astrid.
She’d have to bleach her eyes and that would suck…
for her.” I slapped my hand over my mouth since it seemed to have a mind of its own.
Samuel nodded slowly in disbelief. “Okay, good to know. Maybe I should come back another time.”
“YES,” Satan and I shouted in unison.
“Or,” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix said. “You could just forget the shenanigans from this entire lovely afternoon.”
Samuel looked over at the witch in surprise. “You’re human.”
“Somewhat,” she agreed with a smile that showed her dimples. “I’m a witch. It’s lovely to meet you, Samuel. Your great-grandmother brags on you all the time!”
“You know Gigi?” he asked, unsure of this strange woman.
He could join the club.
“I do! We’re the best of friends,” she pulled out a wand as she walked over to my son and hugged him.
Small bursts of sparkly green magic surrounded both of them as they embraced.
I was close to screaming. What in the Hell was she doing to my son?
His body stiffened, then he went lax in her arms for a brief moment.
Samuel quickly came out of the trance, but I was sure I’d just lost a few centuries off my life.
With a glance around the room, he smiled like it was a normal day and nothing was amiss.
He patted the witch on the head then turned to the rest of us.
“This has been awesome, mom. We’ll do it again soon,” he said to Satan, walking over and giving him a hug.
“I should get going, but I’ll be in touch! ”
In a blast of shimmering magic that encompassed every color of the rainbow, my child left the building.
I turned on Connie Raven Enid Delacroix and narrowed my eyes. “Speak,” I ground out.
She winked at me. “It was just a little spell to make him forget the reality of the past half hour and make him believe he had a terrific time.”
Satan’s gaze shot to mine. He was correct to think she was shady. How could a freaking human witch do that to one of the most powerful Immortals in the Universe? And if she could cast a spell on Samuel, that meant that none of us were safe.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Back to the matter at hand. We needed to call Ethan and then transport to London.
We’d take Martha, Jane and Lizard. I needed Lizard just in case I had to pee.
I was taking no risks with anything having to do with the wank.
Lizard could manhandle Uncle Fucker’s junk.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix would not be joining us on the working vacation.
She was a fucking menace. When I announced the London contingency, Connie simply smiled and nodded.
Part of me was surprised that she didn’t put up a fuss about being dismissed, but the majority of me was relieved. One thing down, so many more to go.
I dialed. Ethan answered. Satan started talking. I held my breath and prepared to light him on fire.
“Hello, Ethan. It is I, Astrid,” Satan announced.
“Astrid?” Ethan asked through the line. “Are you okay? You sound strange.”
I gave Uncle Fucker the death glare and pointed at the script. He flipped me off. I grabbed the scissors ready to cut out another chunk of his hair.
“I’m fine,” Satan read from the paper with a shitty attitude. “I’ve had something weird come up. Uncle Fucker is all butthurt about Elle and Luke going to Siren Island without him.”
I knew my man well. He responded as expected. “Why did they leave him at home?”
“He’s been banned by the man-eating bitches for being a dick.”
I snipped off an inch. Satan looked like he was going to lose his shit. I didn’t care. This was serious business and he was screwing it up. I pointed at the script again.
He kept reading. “So, I think a little trip might cheer him up.”
“You’re going with him?” Ethan asked.
“Yes,” Satan said with an expression that was a cross between constipated and irate. “He doesn’t have any friends since he’s such a freaking jackass.”
Ethan chuckled through the line. Satan gave me a glare so vicious I was worried he was about to blow our cover.
Quickly muting the phone, I let the idiot have it. “Do you want to spend eternity with a vagina?” I hissed. “DO YOU?”
“No,” he snarled. “I want my enormous dick back.”
“Considering you are an enormous dick, that’s not surprising,” I said. “If you don’t pull this off, your dick is mine forever.”
He gulped and unmuted the call. “We had such a fun time in London, I think it would be nice for him. Plus, I don’t want him playing dead in public.”
“What was that?” Ethan asked, confused.
“Nothing,” Satan said.
I quickly wrote a few more notes on the script. The Devil rolled his eyes, but read them.
“Is everything okay with the Oklahoma Vamps?” he asked.
“Getting there,” Ethan said. “I might need your assistance in a few days, but hopefully not.”
I crossed my fingers. I seriously hoped not.
“I love you, Astrid,” Ethan said.
“Love you too,” Satan said, looking like he wanted to die.
“I have to go. Have fun with Uncle Fucker,” he told me then hung up.
The Devil stared at me. I stared back. The script had worked. Of course, he’d almost screwed it up, but the end result was what we’d wanted. So far, so good.
The rest was up to us.