Chapter 14 Astrid
ASTRID
The half-shrink was painless. Lizard and I looked ridiculous with the body sizes of elementary school kids and the facial features of adults.
Uncle Fucker seemed particularly disturbed by the new look, but in the end, he was more upset about the pantaloons.
He’d get over it. We were almost ready to exit the clump of trees and put an end to the unacceptable actions of shitasses who believed they ran the show.
“They’ll have guards at the door,” I said, looking up at my face on my uncle from my newly shortened stature. “My guess is only two. Their arrogance is astounding.”
“It’s really fucking hard to take you seriously,” Satan said, shaking his head. “This is all wrong. I’m normally well over six feet tall. I look absurd, still devastatingly handsome, but absurd.”
“Right now, you have my face and body,” I reminded him, rolling my eyes. “If you want your original body back, you need to check that ego and shut your complaining cake hole so you can focus.”
“Fine point. Well made,” he admitted grudgingly. “Keep going.”
I looked up at the sky. “It’s after midnight and the Oklahoma crew keeps to a fairly rigid schedule. I’m hoping that a good portion of them will be in their coffins for the night.”
“Wait,” Satan said, brow creased. “I thought Vamps were creatures of the night.”
“That’s normally true for the undead under a hundred-years-old. However, as ancient as these bastards are, they can walk in the daylight with no issue.”
Satan nodded.
“No sunscreen?” Martha asked, perplexed.
She and Jane had to wear sunscreen when they went in the direct sunlight. They’d only been undead for around a decade. I didn’t have to slather on the zinc oxide anymore since I was the Chosen One. I’d done it in the beginning and it was a pain in the ass.
“Nope. No sunscreen,” I told her.
“That’s not fuckin’ fair,” Jane griped.
I didn’t disagree, but I also didn’t make the rules.
Lizard picked up his miniature mates and winked at them. “I think y’all look hot all slathered up in thick, white, gelatinous Coppertone.”
They giggled. It was shrill.
“Ain’t you just the charmer,” Martha shrieked.
“Smexiest stud in the Universe!” Jane added.
“Umm… you guys are going to have to stop talking,” I said, before this devolved into some kind of weird ass nookie thing. “You’re gonna break all the windows in the compound and we’ll be screwed.”
Both of the little turds mimed zipping their lips. That was good enough. I took them from Lizard and placed them into the pockets of the purple pantaloons that Satan was wearing against his will. They were ugly, but were also a perfect camouflage for us to get into the compound undetected.
“Remove your weapons, Uncle Fucker,” I ordered. “We’re all armed, and honestly, you don’t really need weapons to throw down.”
“Thank you,” he replied. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I smiled. “It was intended as one. The door won’t be locked.
Again, arrogance. And,” I said, scanning the front of the compound.
“I don’t see any cameras or motion lights.
Not that there aren’t any, but that’s not how these assholes roll.
They think they’re above modern technology. Old school all the way.”
“But they have cellphones,” Lizard said.
I shook my head. “No, they have Ethan’s cell phone. If they had their own, they would have used it. We can’t communicate with them via email or computers. In order to talk to the cretins, we have to send snail mail or show up in person.”
“So, you’re implying they have enough knowledge to be a danger to themselves,” Satan commented with a sly grin. “Or in other words, they’re stupid.”
“Stupid with a capital S. However, that doesn’t mean they can’t fight. You don’t survive as long as they have without knowing a thing or two about throwing down. They’re as vicious as the Fairy Gang when cornered. It’s the only reason they’re still alive.”
“Sounds like fun,” Uncle Fucker said with a dastardly grin on my face. “I do have a question, though.”
“Spit it out,” I said, making sure all my weapons were easily within reach.
Having smaller hands was an issue, but shouting ‘Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker’ after we dropped out of the bottom of the pantaloons would remedy the problem.
I truly couldn’t believe I’d even formed the last sentence in my brain. There was a first time for everything.
“What do you think they plan to do with you if you trade yourself for Ethan?” Satan asked.
I shrugged. “My guess is that they’re banking that I’ll choose to die for him.”
“That is off the table,” Satan ground out. “You are not dying. Period. Not today and not any time in the future.”
My brow shot up and I laughed. “Be careful there, Pussycat. It sounds alarmingly like you like me. You really like me.”
“Whatever, Dickie,” he said dismissively. “If you bite it, your death would throw a wrench into my schedule. What with all the celebrations of life and funerals.” He threw his hands in the air as if exasperated. “Maddening.”
I grinned. “I think someone might be protesting too much,” I said, then left it. There was no getting the Devil to play nice in the sandbox. It wasn’t in his DNA. “And if I don’t choose to die, I don’t really know what their plan would be. I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant.”
Lizard choked up on his bat and snarled. “Ain’t happenin’. We’re gonna off ‘em, grab your man and haul ass out of this bullshit.”
I squatted down, prepared to crawl into my uncle’s pants and wrap my half-sized self around his leg. This was nuts, but it could work. Right? Maybe? Storming the place full-sized would be a mistake. The element of surprise was on our side… and the element of stupid.
“Okay, guys and gals… Long live the Pantaloon Platoon!”
It was time to enter the fray and end the madness.
It was bizarre riding shotgun on Satan’s leg and somewhat of a bumpy trip.
I was on his right leg, or rather my leg, and Lizard was wrapped around the left.
I could see Lizard clearly since the crotch of the pantaloons was so low.
If carrying two Vamps in his pockets and a Vamp and a Demon on each leg bothered the Devil he didn’t let on.
He strode with purpose from the clump of trees right up to the blood red front door of the compound.
“Lizard,” I whispered, holding up a dagger. “I’m gonna cut eye holes. Do it too.”
The gum smacking whacko gave me a thumbs up and followed suit. The holes in the massive amounts of purple material wouldn’t be noticed unless examined up close.
“I can hear you,” Uncle Fucker warned. “It might be a dead giveaway if my pockets and fucking knees can speak.”
“Roger that,” I whispered. Ethan would crap his pants—an impossibility for a Vamp since we didn’t have bodily functions—but metaphorically speaking, when I told him the story of how we saved him. And we would save him. The alternative was unacceptable.
The Devil didn’t ring the doorbell. He didn’t knock. He just threw the door open and stepped in.
I’d been correct. There were only two Vamps at the door.
Arrogance made one seem strong from the outside, but it always hid a weakness from within.
Their entitlement would be their downfall.
The Oklahoma Vampyres were repulsive blights on our species.
Murdering humans to eat was both unnecessary and vile.
It was also against Vampyre law. Kidnapping the Prince of the North American Dominion was the height of hubris, and it would be the very thing that brought them down.
We just had to get to Ethan first and make sure he was okay.
He would be okay.
He had to be okay.
“Hello, boys,” Satan said in my voice. “I’m home!”
The utter shock on the Vamps’ faces to see me standing in front of them was priceless. The Devil didn’t give them even a second to recoup. The sound of Satan ripping their heads off and dropping them to the ground with a satisfying thud was glorious.
“That was delightful,” Satan said, kicking the heads out of the way as the bodies quickly turned to ash. “Two down. Eighteen to go. Where next?”
I slid out of the pants. I didn’t speak the counterspell yet, just in case I needed to crawl back up my uncle’s leg, but I needed to check out the situation, and that required room to move.
I closed my eyes, letting my senses guide me.
I could feel Ethan’s presence down the long hall of parlors.
He was weak, and his condition sent alarm bells through me.
What had they done to him? Whatever it was, they would get back a thousand-fold.
I felt the sensation of my fangs dropping in fury, but I had no fangs to drop.
I wasn’t in my own body. I centered myself and concentrated.
Getting sloppy now wasn’t an option. Not when we were so close to the end game.
“Ten upstairs,” I whispered. “Probably sleeping in coffins.”
“Fucking idiots,” Satan muttered. “They told you to come here. Did they expect you to call first? They don’t even have phones.”
“The key to happiness is never to expect anything from anyone,” I said.
Satan grinned. “Guess they’re not going to be happy.”
I winked at him. “Can’t be happy when you’re dead.”
“I like your style, Dickie,” he told me.
“Right back at you, Pussycat.”
I gently pulled Martha and Jane from his pockets and placed them on my open palm. Holding a finger to my lips, I let them know to stay quiet. “I need you two to go upstairs and find all the closed coffins. If they’re closed, that means an asshole is in it.”
They gave me a thumbs up and started to leave. I grabbed them and shook my head. “I didn’t tell you what to do yet.”
Another thumbs up followed with a middle finger salute.
I grinned. “Do you recall when you idiots glued each other’s butt cracks together? And it took months for your cheeks to separate?”
They nodded enthusiastically.
“Great, can you conjure up that glue again?”
Jane wiggled her fingers. They were both now holding tubes of magical glue that were bigger than they were.
“Excellent. Now, I want you to find the closed coffins and glue the fuckers shut. Can you do that?”
Their nods were spastic. I was thrilled they hadn’t spoken a word. Following orders wasn’t their strong suit.
Satan leaned in. “Can’t the scumbags just transport out of the coffins? Will gluing them shut make a difference?”
“Good question, and I have a great answer,” I explained.
“In the Vamp world, coffins are charmed to keep the inhabitant safe. No magic from the outside can affect the occupant inside. Nothing can breach it, no matter how powerful. Hence, it’s impossible to send magic out of the coffin from the inside.
It’s too reinforced. So, short answer is, no.
They can’t transport out of the coffin. They have to open it from the inside to get out. ”
“For the love of everything imbecilic,” he said with a scornful expression. “Are they that dim-witted?”
“They wouldn’t say so, but there’s a fine reason most Vampyres stopped sleeping in coffins centuries ago.”
Lizard chuckled and peeked his head out from the cuff of the pants. “And we’re gonna use that to our advantage, Pantaloon Platoon. You want me to go with my ladies or stay with you?”
“Stay,” I instructed. “Martha and Jane are beyond capable of gluing undead assholes into their beds of choice. They glued their own ass cheeks shut with expertise.”
“I have a question about that,” Uncle Fucker said.
I cut him off. “Don’t ask. Trust me on that.”
He nodded and scanned the foyer. “The parlors next?”
“Yep,” I replied, crawling back into his pants. “Lizard and I will drop out when the time is right.”
“Roger that,” Satan said. “I haven’t had this much fun in months.”
His idea of fun was warped, but I was so very thankful he was on my team. Together, we would get Ethan out of here and safely home. There was still the matter of the body switch, but one humongous problem at a time.
That was all we could do.