Chapter 19
Arax
Eight months later
I sat at the conference table looking at the schedule, thinking there was something wrong with my eyes. The spreadsheet was blocked out in red, every appointment slot taken.
“Danny!” I shouted, despite knowing he was just in the room over, setting up for his next lesson. I heard a crash, and he came running.
“What are you screaming about?” he asked irritably when he saw me idly sitting.
I flipped the laptop screen to face him. “Is this right? Are we fully booked?”
He looked at me like I was insane, then noted I was serious. “Where have you been, Rox? It’s been like this for months! Ever since the article came out.”
That stupid, fucking article. The Spruce Juice, a local magazine with the most ridiculous name I’d ever heard, had run a feature on my music school.
News of Gwen’s acceptance into the Philharmonic was a big deal in a place like Spruce Grove.
Rarely would anything newsworthy ever happen here.
I often wondered how the town didn’t get crushed under the weight of its own tedium.
After her inaugural performance, which Danny and I never got to see, the Juice reached out to us, wanting an exclusive.
I had been reluctant at first, but Danny had talked me into it.
It was a way to celebrate Gwen and might be good for business, according to him.
News must have been in shortage because they ran a full, twelve-page spread, mostly covering Gwen and her road to stardom, but the magazine did devote a few pages to the school itself, complete with pictures and biographies of the instructors.
As the founders, Danny and I were given some extra attention, each getting a page of our own.
“We’re going to have to start auditioning soon,” Danny said offhandedly, straightening one of my guitars on its stand.
I wracked my brain. Auditioning? Was there a festival or competition coming up? I’d been out of touch recently—although recently was the wrong word. I’d been out of touch since I’d said good-bye to Kon—to him, many months ago, but I hadn’t thought I was that far in the pits.
“Auditioning for what?” I asked.
Danny huffed in annoyance before answering, “Auditioning prospective students, Rox. I told you about it a few weeks back.”
He had every right to be bothered. The put-together, on-top-of-everything Arax he was used to dealing with had morphed into a forgetful, disorganized ditz who canceled lessons because she couldn’t get out of bed, refused to clean up her apartment, and was generally in a terrible mood.
He’d put up with it for as long as he could, much longer than I deserved.
I hadn’t told Danny about my accident and what had come after it.
I didn’t want to worry him, but mostly it was because I couldn’t bring myself to think about it, much less formulate and give it words.
I wasn’t sure if he’d even believe me. There were times when I didn’t believe it myself.
Plus, I remembered the request, per his intermediary, to keep the knowledge of their existence to myself.
It was the least I could do after everything he’d done for me.
“I’m really sorry, Danny,” I said with a sigh. “I know I’ve been dumping a lot on you lately.”
“Yes, you have,” he replied flatly.
I closed the laptop and crossed my hands on the table, batting my eyes at him. “You have my full attention.”
“That would be nice for a change.” He scoffed before proceeding. “We can’t take on all the new students who are applying. We don’t have the space or enough teachers to handle the influx. We need to be more selective.”
I hated the idea of turning anyone away.
Only a few years had passed since the school had opened, and back then, enrollment had been so low, I had been lucky to have even five regulars.
To think we had to be selective now that we had one student achieve success seemed like such a thankless way to run a business.
“What’s option B?” I asked, interested to see if there was an option B.
“Expanding,” Danny replied.
I let out a laugh. “Expanding where, Danny? There is fifty square miles of town, so unless you’re on board with teaching your students in the woods, try again.”
“We could try buying out the coffee shop next door,” he said.
“Then where will I get my coffee?”
He threw his hands up in agitation over being shut down. “What the hell happened to you in those mountains, Arax? You’ve been so out of it, moping around ever since you got back! It’s been months!”
I knew he didn’t know, but it didn’t stop me from having a mini-panic session at the mention of the mountains. Thinking of an excuse, I started to answer, but Danny didn’t let me get in a word.
“And don’t you dare,” he said, punctuating every word, “say it’s because of your mom. You were in better spirits before you left!”
I groaned and played with my nails, tapping and clicking them together before I responded with part of the truth. “I haven’t been sleeping, Danny. At all.”
A look of understanding came over him, and he walked around the table and sat next to me. “Rox, I’m sorry,” he said and rubbed my arm.
I shook my head and leaned against him, feeling his arms envelope me in the way I thought only Danny could, making me feel safe and warm.
I always assumed it was the magic Danny touch, born out of trust and friendship.
No one else had ever possessed it, until…
“You remember those dreams I was having?” I asked.
“The ones that woke you every night when you were staying with me?”
“How could I forget?” He played with my hair, gently twisting the strands. “You’re having them still?”
I nodded. The dreams had visited me almost every night since I’d gotten back.
They were always the same, everything on fire—burning, burning, burning…
everyone dead or dying and me, in the middle, unable to stop it.
I was the sole member of the audience in a theater full of nightmares.
I couldn’t remember a time—no, actually I could.
I could remember a time when I hadn’t had them.
It was for one week, the strange and fascinating week I’d spent recovering in a castle built on the outskirts of reality.
“Oh, Rox.” Danny hugged me tightly. “Have you thought about talking to someone? Like a professional?”
“I’ve had enough therapy to last me ten lifetimes,” I replied.
“I know, but this isn’t okay. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but you’ve been a zombie.” He held me away from him by the shoulders and scanned my face, looking me up and down. He bit his lip. “You’ve got permanent dark circles, and you’ve lost a lot of weight. Fuck, why didn’t I see it before?”
“Because you’ve been busy doing your job and mine,” I answered truthfully. “I’m so sorry about everything, Danny. I’ll do better, I promise.”
“Stop it, Rox. I’m to blame too. I should have known.”
I relaxed a bit more into his arms, ready to fall asleep in the middle of the studio if I could.
We sat there quietly, encased in the comfortable silence afforded to those who were truly friends.
I wasn’t lying to Danny about doing better.
I needed to. I had to get out of this slump.
Maybe I should talk to a shrink, I thought.
I had hoped those days were behind me, but it didn’t look to be that way anymore.
It was possible my mother’s death had triggered a sort of delayed response, bringing forth some kind of repressed memory.
Whatever it was, I needed to figure it out. I couldn’t go on like this.
We were both startled by the studio doors opening, and I couldn’t explain why my heart leaped at the sound. I didn’t know who I was expecting or recognize the disappointment I felt when I turned my head and saw it was Kayla, Danny’s student, arriving for her lesson.
“Hey, guys,” she said, greeting us with a smirk. “Busy?”
Danny still had his arms around me, and we all laughed.
“Hey, Kayla. Go ahead and get warmed up. I’ll be a second,” Danny told her, disentangling himself from me and standing up. “You going to be okay if I leave you by yourself for a little while?” he asked after she was gone.
I nodded unconvincingly. “Yeah.”
“Are you teaching today?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m here in an administrative capacity.”
I hadn’t been teaching much, passing my students off to other instructors. My heart wasn’t in it, and I didn’t want them to suffer as a result of my disconnect.
“Go home, Rox,” Danny said firmly. “I’ll finish here and lock up. Go home, take a bath, and have an early night. Try to get some sleep.”
“Okay,” I said, agreeing without protest. I was useless here anyway.
I took Danny’s advice when I got home and drew myself a bath. Sinking into the warm water, I tried to envision all my angst evaporating with the steam as it rose. It was a nice visual, but that was all it was, a fantasy.
I’d been in the same pattern for eight long months.
I’d avoid sleep until I couldn’t keep awake from exhaustion, yet the cool fabric of the pillowcase against my skin meant I’d enter into my version of the underworld.
Its smell of sizzling flesh, acrid and perverse, wouldn’t dissipate by morning as it used to, tarrying in my nose throughout the day, loitering to be renewed again by nightfall.
I had tried everything I could think to push my body past the point of collapse: herbal remedies, sleeping pills, meditation. I worked out every day, running for miles and busing it to the nearest town to take martial arts classes. Nothing helped.
Danny was correct. I had lost a lot of weight. I looked worse now than I had right after my fall. The stress from the rapidly increasing enrollment at my school was adding to my sleeplessness. Danny was right about that too.