Chapter 16
By the time Wednesday morning arrived, what started with a picture of a dog trying to bite the water from a sprinkler had turned into days of messages back and forth between Dmitrii and Tyler.
Complaints of soggy pizza and pictures of cute squirrels outside the hotel window led to texting late into the night about everything and nothing.
Dmitrii had stayed awake messaging with Tyler well past when he should have been asleep every night while Tyler had been away.
Being exhausted while skating had actually been a blessing.
His on-ice anxiety had been dampened by his being too tired to panic to his normal extent.
He didn’t know if Dr. Aubrey would notice that anxiety had replaced the tiredness as he fidgeted on the couch in her office.
He knew he seemed off today, and maybe he was.
No, he was. He knew he was overthinking everything, but for once it didn’t involve as much skating as usual.
He glanced over towards the doctor’s desk, knowing that she would be watching him.
She had to know something was different today.
They were already about halfway through his session, and as always, it had started out with going over how he felt skating.
For the first time since the accident, Dmitrii actually thought that he could recover his skating career.
He was consistently landing single and double jumps …
well, not for the Axel jump, but for all the others.
The rest of his skating had improved so much as well.
Where once he hadn’t been able to even change direction on the ice two weeks ago, now he was completing the vast majority of the actual skating portion of his program, albeit at a lower level.
He took a deep breath to focus. She was here to help his skating.
She was not here to fix his life. Dmitrii knew he was starting to work through his fear.
He was even getting better at talking about what had happened on the ice with his accident.
Not only that, he was talking about what had happened after the accident … well, some of it.
Tyler would be at the rink today. In just a few hours, they’d be able to actually see each other. Dmitrii was so distracted by that thought that he wasn’t able to keep from fidgeting and glancing at his phone in the hope that there would be a new message.
Dr. Aubrey kept watching Tyler, finally asking, “Something is bothering you?”
“No.” The response was much too quick to be the truth. Dmitrii was not going to make a habit of lying to her. Instead he explained, “It’s not about skating.”
She nodded, but did not let the subject change right away. “Sometimes things that aren’t about skating are important as well. You can tell me if you think it might make you feel better?”
He paused, then looked over to her. He had trusted her with so much already, but he still hesitated to tell her about Tyler. “The Russian skating federation is the one paying you.” The one organization that could never know about Tyler was the one paying her.
“That is true. However, there is nothing in my agreement saying I have to tell them anything about our sessions beyond what day, time, and length. Anything else would be unethical, and I would not have agreed to it.” She leaned forward in her chair as she looked at him closer.
“Are you worried that there is something they can’t know? ”
Dmitrii looked to the side and then back at his hands. He didn’t really have anyone else to talk to about his feelings. He was alone in this country in so many ways. “Many things are different in Russia, especially being a state-sponsored athlete.”
Her tone softened as she kept eye contact with him. “I imagine a lot of things are. However, I don’t think a lot of those things are what you are specifically worried about right now.”
Dmitrii knew she didn’t miss any of his body language as he shifted and tried not to seem nervous. Then, he made the decision to trust her even more when he whispered the secret. “I agreed to go on a date.”
Dr. Aubrey didn’t fully hide her surprise that something so normal was his confession, but her words remained calm as she carefully asked, “I didn’t know you had met someone here?”
“I don’t really know him that well.” He stopped, eyes wide as he looked at her. That one word made it so clear he was not talking about a girl. It wasn’t safe to say that. If his skating sponsors knew, it would be the end of his career.
The soft, “Oh,” slipped from Dr. Aubrey’s lips. “Is that why you are so worried today?”
“If they found out, it would end my career or worse. Especially with how my skating is right now.” A hint of panic had slipped into his voice.
“I am not sure what to say. I know I should have advice for you, but you’re in a very difficult position.
What I do know is that being honest with yourself is normally the best course in the long term.
” Maybe her advice would have been different if he weren’t Russian, but Dmitrii was in such a precarious situation.
Even now in America, it was difficult being gay.
With his situation, it was so much harder.
She watched him as she softened her tone even more. “Is he nice?”
“Very. Sweet and kind. Patient.” He closed his eyes as he let out a deep breath.
“I live in St. Petersburg. It’s probably one of the most tolerant cities in Russia.
So, I mean … it could be a lot worse. If I were a top skater and an Olympic contender, they’d ignore it. It puts my state funding in jeopardy.”
“Unless you were a top contender again.”
Dmitrii nodded. “I really, really like him, but do I like him enough to risk so much?”
“That is a question only you can answer.”
“One date isn’t much, and in public he’s been very discrete.”
“You could tell him your fears and that it isn’t him but the external pressures you are under? He might understand your need for secrecy. Would that type of discretion make things a little easier for you?”
Dmitrii thought for a moment. “That’s a good idea. I mean, it’s not exactly about skating but …”
“Your mental health comprises many things. Wanting to do something as normal as to go on a date with someone you like is an action I would typically define as healthy.”
He felt himself relaxing as he felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. “Thank you. I should probably get back to my hotel so I can get a nap before skating.”
“A nap?” There was a lift in her voice as she asked.
“I normally nap after these sessions. They just wear me out so much.” Dmitrii shrugged as he sat up straighter, knowing his time was over. “Especially after staying up too late messaging with him.”
“That makes sense and shows a sense of self-preservation.” A soft smile graced her lips as she looked at him. Maybe she really was pleased that he was being more social.
“Or I could go to the rink and watch him skate.” He didn’t bother to hide the little smile that appeared on his face as he said it.
“So, he’s a skater?”
“He is. I met him at the rink. I mean, clearly, I met him at the rink. It’s either there, the hotel, or the little corner grocery store I’ve been going to.”
She laughed softly. “True, definitely try to get some rest before you skate.”
Dmitrii nodded as he stood up. “I’ll try.
Not promising anything though.” He’d been making progress all week.
While he still felt the tingle of anxiety when he did a single Axel, he could do all his other single jumps reliably now.
He was even starting to smooth out the other portions of his program.
He hadn’t fallen yet, and there was that fear that a fall might cause a setback.
Maybe he would take a fall well. After all, he was used to falling.
He had fallen countless times before, but there was still the fear his next fall would throw him into some sort of downward spiral mentally.
He’d have to wait and see. Maybe he was stronger than that. He wouldn’t know until it happened.