Chapter 25 #3
Dmitrii felt the back of his head start to tingle.
He felt how that uncomfortable feeling traveled down his spine.
That did not change what he was going to do.
This was all he had left. First a Waltz jump.
He had never been taught that jump under that name.
It had always been a half Axel when he was training.
Next, he did a single Axel, forcing himself to ignore that feeling as his shoulders tightened.
Building up more speed, the next jump was a double Axel.
Technically, that was enough to allow him to compete in seniors.
He took a deep breath as he continued skating to get more speed.
It was just concrete under the ice. He had to remember that.
He let his weight settle to the front outside edge of his skate, and then he was propelling himself into the air.
Legs and arms pulled tight, he got in his rotations.
His landing was rough as he let his free leg come around for balance.
He stopped then. His heart raced, but even with the electric feeling surging through his shoulders, he had done it.
Eyes closed, he tried to calm down. It didn’t work as well as he wanted, but he still skated towards Coach Truskel and Coach Williamson.
He saw the stunned look. They hadn’t expected that.
He stopped in front of them, his breathing rough.
“I need to get my programs together. I need to be ready to skate as soon as they want me.”
“You did all those jumps.” Coach Truskel looked suspicious.
“I think I managed to figure something out with the doctor today. I need to get good enough so that they won’t be upset with me.” No, it hadn’t actually been the doctor. The conversation with Tyler’s mom about how deeply Tyler would hurt if this went on for any longer served as his motivation.
She lowered her voice. “Your doctor gave very strict instructions about pushing you too hard.”
“You are not pushing me. I am pushing me. I need this.” He looked back at her, his soft green eyes staring right at hers. He would not back down, and he definitely would not look at Tyler right now, because that would break him.
“I don’t like this. We can run through your program.” She turned to move to the controls to start his music.
“Both programs.”
“No.” She turned back to him, shaking her head. “No. Pick one.” Whatever his plan, she was standing firm in trying to keep him from doing more to hurt himself.
He didn’t like that. He especially didn’t like the worried look that Tyler was giving him. That was why he hadn’t meant to look at the man, but he had been so close to where Coach Truskel stood that his gaze had wandered.
Dmitrii wanted what he had had this morning.
He didn’t want to think about when he would tell Tyler that they were over.
He summoned his courage and answered his coach.
“Free program.” Of course, he picked the longer of the two programs. He had to after all.
If he could get his free program to where it was looking like he could present it at the test skate in a few months …
no, what was that going to get him? Did he really want to fly back to Russia and leave Tyler?
No. Did he want to be told, ‘Oh Dmitrii, look at how good being there is, why don’t you stay all summer?
’ Yes, he wanted that so bad, but he knew that was an impossibility.
If only wishes came true, because then he wouldn’t have to break Tyler’s heart tonight.
He took his center position, knowing the coaching staff was filming him.
They would send it to the doctor as a progress tracker.
If only they knew how this progress hurt.
As the first notes sounded, he began to move.
He felt the prickling through his shoulders, and he knew he was breathing harder than he should be, but that didn’t stop him.
He just kept reminding himself there was only cement under this ice as he moved through the introductory step sequence of his program.
Part of him wanted to try the quads, but that would be foolish.
He hadn’t done a quad in too many months to justify that risk.
He had barely had the ability to do the triple Axel.
Any sort of quad was out of the question today.
Instead, he dropped his jumps to triples, still much higher than he had been able to do before.
No matter how his vision blackened around the edges, he refused to give in.
He had to do this for Tyler. This was the only way he could go back to Russia and stop being here.
He didn’t want to leave, but he knew seeing him after today would hurt too much, and his heart didn’t think it could take causing Tyler any more pain than he had to.
Dmitrii refused to let his spins show any hesitation, trying to perform them as gracefully as he had executed those spins on the board in the dance studio earlier.
He could feel the panic getting closer to the surface, but as he closed his eyes in his second spin, he pushed down those feelings.
He just had to manage four and a half minutes.
From start to finish, that was all the time a free skate lasted. He could manage this.
His eyes opened as he exited that spin. The next move was the triple Axel.
His shoulders felt as if the skin was going to crawl off them, his heart racing, but he didn’t stop as he approached the triple Axel.
Forward outside edge to the toe assist and he was up.
Legs tight and arms wrapped to his chest, he felt how he spun through the air.
At the last second, he brought his free leg out to absorb the rotation of the landing, and he knew the jump was clean.
There were only three more jumps after that and the final spin.
He was almost done; he could do this. As long as he didn’t let himself think of how Tyler would be watching him.
Then it was over. He was panting in the center of the rink with an arm outstretched.
He looked towards the stands only to have his heart break.
Tyler looked so happy. He was clapping and yelling congratulations to him.
How could he do this? Even as he skated towards his coaches, he felt the tears falling from his eyes.
It had only been a few days. If this already hurt this much, how much worse would it hurt if he waited a week or a month?
No, he had to end this today. The words from Tyler’s mom still echoed in his head.
There was no ending for this where he didn’t have to throw himself away as a sacrifice to save Tyler from even more pain.
“That was amazing!” Tyler ran over to him as soon as he stepped off the ice, throwing his arms around him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” That was a lie. He was not at all okay.
Coach Truskel walked up, placing her hand on his shoulder as she looked at Dmitrii. “Are you sure that you are okay?”
“I am.” It was easier to lie to her. Maybe if he said it enough, it wouldn’t be a lie anymore. No, that wasn’t true, but maybe he would start to believe the lie as well. Instead, the inevitability of what he had to do burned like a poison throughout his body.
She smiled at him. “That was wonderful. A few more days and I think we can start really working on things and get you in a competitive space again.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s enough for a day. Same thing tomorrow. Get some rest tonight and make sure you stretch and soak your legs after that.”
“I will.” He knew this was it. This was the unavoidable moment that he would be expected to gather his things and walk out of the building with Tyler. This was the moment he had been looking forward to this morning, but now it was tainted by the knowledge of what had to be done.
Dmitrii looked to Tyler, seeing the smile as the other man gestured towards the exit. “Wanna head out?”
Part of him wanted to say it here, but maybe that wasn’t the best option. If he did it at the rink, there was a chance of people seeing, and he was near positive Tyler wouldn’t want that. “Yeah. Let’s leave here.”
“You were amazing out there. Are you feeling better? You just seem like something is bothering you.”
He wanted to tell Tyler the truth, but he couldn’t.
Instead, he told only a half-truth as they walked to the car.
“I think my session today with Doctor Aubrey really allowed me to see the source of my problems.” He didn’t say that the source was that he had fallen in love hard enough that breaking up with Tyler felt as if it would kill him, but to spare that man any more pain was worth it.
“I’m glad. I know you’re normally so tired after those appointments, and thanks to everything with last night and my mom, you didn’t get to rest like you normally do.”
“It’s not your fault.” He had to stop Tyler from blaming himself. He couldn’t let the man blame himself. Tyler hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, Tyler had done so much right.
“I just worry about you.” As they got into the car, Tyler leaned over to kiss Dmitrii’s cheek.
Dmitrii swore he could feel his heart somehow break just a little more.
How could this man be so kind and full of affection like this?
Every moment in the car felt like an eternity as he found himself fidgeting with his hands.
“I’m fine, Tyler.” He hated how it felt to lie, but the lie was kinder than the truth.
When they parked outside the hotel, Dmitrii reached out to touch Tyler’s arm. “I need to say something.”
“What’s wrong?” The look of worry on Tyler’s face made it very clear that he knew there was something very wrong. He just didn’t know what.
“I … you know this is … I …” Oh, how did he even start this.
“Just tell me what’s wrong? Please?” Tyler’s voice was so soft, but the hints of fear were there, and Dmitrii wished he could be anywhere but here right now.
“I will not be in America for long. They’re going to have me go back soon.”
“They didn’t say when though, right? So it isn’t right away?” Tyler reached over to take Dmitrii’s hand in his.
“I don’t know. It could be at any time they decide. It could be next week, or it could be the week after that. I don’t know.” He didn’t say that it could also be not until he had to return to Russia to compete.
“What does this mean?”
“That I shouldn’t have done this. That you deserve better and not to be … toyed with.” The lie hurt. Dmitrii had never toyed with Tyler.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Tyler pulled his hand back, eyes wide and not even trying to hide the confusion.
“It would be for the best. I just want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Why …”
“I’m sorry.” That was all Dmitrii could take.
He fumbled the car door open and grabbed his bag as he slammed the door shut before rushing to the hotel.
He was crying and didn’t care if anyone saw him.
He just needed to get away from Tyler. If he saw how much Tyler was hurt, he didn’t know if he could deal with it.
Dmitrii wasn’t followed. He slipped into his room and just dropped his bag. Nothing mattered. He took out his phone to send one text to Tyler’s mother. ‘I broke up with him.’ He didn’t wait to see if there was a response. It didn’t matter if there was. It was done.
Everything hurt as he walked forward. All the instructions to stretch and soak his muscles were forgotten as he reached the bed …
the still unmade bed. It had only been last night.
Last night, his entire life had felt perfect.
He collapsed on the bed, grabbing the blankets that still smelled like Tyler and clung to them.
This hurt too much. Everything hurt too much.
He cried into the blankets, the fabric dampening the sobs that racked his body.
He couldn’t stop crying. Long after he ran out of tears, Dmitrii still clutched the blankets in his hands, lost and in pain.