Chapter 27
The next morning, Dmitrii wanted to stay in bed. He had barely slept. He felt horrible, but he had to tell Doctor Aubrey what had happened … what he had done.
He couldn’t see her today. Even facing anyone seemed to be impossible, let alone her. He sent an email, just a simple message, but one that was much more honest than he could have spoken.
Dr. Aubrey. I am sorry. I am not in any condition to have a meeting and talk about how I feel. I know this is counterproductive to my healing, but I’m not ready to talk about what happened last night.
I broke up with Tyler. ~Dmitrii
He languished in bed after he had sent the email.
It was more than he had intended to say, but at the same time, he knew he would end up telling her on Monday.
Lying was worse than telling her the truth, so he just curled back up into the blankets.
He’d figure out what to do about skating in a few hours.
Right now, he didn’t even want to get out of bed for breakfast. He felt empty.
It had only been a few days of being with Tyler.
To feel this horrible seemed like something no one would understand.
They didn’t know, though. They didn’t know how kind Tyler was.
They didn’t know how he had laughed. They didn’t know that bright shade of blue of Tyler’s eyes.
They didn’t know what it felt like to kiss him, but Dmitrii did.
That knowledge right now hurt so bad. All he could do was stay in bed, a dejected heap of pain in a hotel room.
Maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he just lost track of time, but the next thing he knew, his phone chimed and it was almost noon.
He grabbed his phone. He had intended to send an email to Coach Troskel that he wouldn’t be coming in, but then he saw the message from Coach Williamson.
‘Hey. Tyler says he’s sick. Do you need a ride? ’
Dmitrii rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. Tyler wouldn’t be there. Letting himself be sad in bed would fix nothing, so he grabbed his phone to send the text ‘It’s fine. I’ll get a ride’.
As he waited for the car he had scheduled, he looked at the response from Dr. Aubrey.
The simple ‘Take care of yourself and I will see you on Monday’ was not a surprise.
However, what did suprise him was the additional comment of, ‘If you need me before that, you can feel free to page me.’ She included her phone number, or at least the phone number of her answering service.
He had enough time to throw himself into the shower, not daring to check his other messages. He was going to try to get through practice first.
Everything felt like he was in a dulled haze as he walked through the front door of the skating facility.
He went straight to the dance studio and waited outside the door until the class that was going on finished.
He remembered classes like that, a bunch of young girls trying to get their positions right.
Back home, they would have been required to be dressed for ballet.
Here, they were all just in the same clothes they would skate in.
Even if he knew he could get away with that here, he wouldn’t.
Everything about his training he had to take so seriously.
Anything less would mean he was hurting Tyler more than he already had.
Once the class cleared out, he walked into the room with a quick bow and took off the sweatshirt and sweatpants he had over his dance clothes.
At first, only Luciana Perez was there, but she put him through his paces.
It was a never-ending struggle to keep his form correct.
He tried to be exact. He had made it through ballet classes in much worse emotional and physical shape than this.
When Coach Wiliamson walked in to check on him, the older man stopped and looked worried.
The second there was a small break in instruction, he asked, “Dmitrii, are you feeling okay? You aren’t coming down with whatever Tyler has? ”
Dmitrii stopped, looking at himself in the mirror as he let both of his legs relax for a moment. He shook his head. “No, Coach Williamson. Tyler just said he was sick to avoid being here and seeing me.”
Both his dance instructor and the assistant coach stopped and looked at him, neither seeming to know what to say.
Dmitrii shrugged. “He probably didn’t want to say anything shitty about me, so he used illness as an excuse.
It’s my fault.” He didn’t want to say anything more, so he gave the clearest sign that he was done speaking that he could.
Without another word, he moved to the barre to resume doing the previous exercise from before the interruption.
He just kept going through the leg exercises as both of the other people in the room carefully watched him, unsure of what to say.
He knew they wanted to ask, but he had no intention of telling them any more.
Maybe it would get him kicked out of skating under coach Truskel.
It would be fine. He knew he could go back to Russia now and piece his broken self together if he had to.
It would be so much better to stay here with Dr. Aubrey.
He could always find another rink to skate at, even if he really liked this one, but this one was Tyler’s.
He had no claim to it, and even if he did, he wouldn’t.
Dmitrii desperately didn’t want to hurt Tyler, at least not any more than he already had.
Ms. Perez was more subdued as she talked him through the rest of his warmup, and Coach Williamson had disappeared for part of it. Dmitrii assumed the man had gone to inform the head coach.
He didn’t let himself think about that. He was here now, and he just had to keep focused on what he was doing.
If he focused on skating, he couldn’t overthink how he had hurt Tyler, and right now he couldn’t bear to think about that.
He didn’t want to think about how he’d hurt him.
Maybe it was cowardly, but it was the only way he could get through this day.
When his time at the barre finally ended, Coach Williamson returned.
He looked serious, but he moved right into working with Dmitrii.
He didn’t say anything about Tyler, not until they were nearly finished.
Once Dmitrii was breathing hard and exhaustion had taken his defenses down, that was when the man finally asked, “Are you doing okay? We’re worried about you. ”
Of all the things Dmitrii expected, that was not something he had prepared for. He had expected accusations or guilt. Concern for his well-being had never been a thought. Dmitrii stood up, his head tilted as he looked at his coach. “What do you mean?”
“You and Tyler seemed pretty close …”
Dmitrii stood there, just looking at the man as he tried to figure out why he was asking about how he was doing. “I broke up with him. I’m the bad person in this.”
Coach Williamson shook his head. “You’re not a bad person, Dmitrii. I don’t know why you feel you have to tell yourself that you are, but you aren’t.”
There was a deep release of breath before Dmitrii answered. “I have a form for Coach Truskel to fill out. The Russian skating federation evidently wants to rush this process and have me return as soon as there are signs of improvement. They’ve finally had enough of me.”
“I’m sorry. How long do you think you have?”
“I don’t know. Maybe two weeks. If …” His voice wavered. “If breaking up with him already hurts this much, how much worse would it be for him in two weeks?”
The words were barely out of Dmitrii’s mouth before coach Williamson pulled him into a hug. With Dmitrii’s head pressed to his coach’s shoulder, Dmitrii heard a softly whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Dmitrii had thought he had already shed all of his tears over losing Tyler. He had thought he was done crying, but that did not stop him from falling to pieces as his coach tried to comfort him.
“You don’t have to skate today. I’ll tell the others.” The words were soft as Dmitrii continued to cry.
He tried to pull himself back together, but his hands failed to wipe away the tears. “I need to skate. I need to get better as fast as I can.”
“Do you think skating today is going to help, or is it actually going to make things worse for you? If something goes wrong today …” He pulled back, looking Dmitrii in the eyes.
“You’re only eighteen. Even if you miss a few competitions, you’re young.
You’re hurting right now. I can’t let you on that ice if I have any doubts if that is what is actually best for you. ”
“No. I have been avoiding the ice for too long. I need to not just be able to skate when things are right. I need to be able to skate through fear and pain. I’m not explaining myself well, but I can’t just decide not to skate.
” As he tried to explain to coach Williamson, he also was getting his emotions under control.
“I don’t want to see this set you back. You have come so far in the time you have been here.”
“I need to skate. If I decide not to skate because of this, what will I do the next time something hurts? Yes, I have to assess the risks versus the benefits, but … I think not skating would be more harmful in the long run.” He grabbed a towel from his bag and used it to wipe away not only the tears but also the sweat.
Coach Williamson didn’t seem fully convinced, but he agreed. “If you honestly feel it’s for the best.”
“Maybe I should work on my short program. That one is sad.” He shrugged.
Yes, maybe taking the day off was the safe thing to do.
However, he would not do that. There was a certainty he couldn’t explain telling him that skating was the right choice.
He needed to feel like he was making progress, that all of this wasn’t a waste. That hurting Tyler wasn’t a waste.
“Only if you are positive.”
“I am.”