Chapter Eight
I am not sure what first alerted me to the relationship between Rider Jimny and Stable Master Fenwick.
Maybe it was just the occasional look, the consideration they showed each other, the way that everything and everyone around them breathed out and relaxed.
There was an age gap, but also a meeting of hearts and minds. And they were discreet.
Some months after my realisation, I was coming off shift, soaking wet from another rainstorm - I swear sometimes it felt like it was all one rainstorm all year long in that outpost - that I finally felt I had to speak to Fenwick.
“Is there a problem, Sullivan?” he asked as he was ticking off store items in the dragon pantry.
This area was less about what they ate than it was about medications and the healing arts.
The real dragon pantry as such was kept on the mainland.
Goats, sheep, and pigs that were bred by the infantry guard and curated with the express purpose of feeding the dragons.
Every other day they would fly the half hour there, graze on whatever livestock the infantry let out, and then glide slowly back for a nice long post-glutinous nap.
I swear the dragons ate better than we Riders.
For a start, they got regular meat, and they didn’t have to suffer nothing but gruel for days on end because there was nothing left and the supply ship couldn’t make the journey across because the seas were too rough.
A couple of years ago, Lord Aurexian had been so disgusted by the lack of supplies, obviously due to something Ang Shi was thinking or feeling, that he took an unmanned wing across to our supply depot and flash froze the consignment in the depot, so that the three of them could grab a frozen ice block each and carry it back to Unkea.
Dora privately admitted that it was the most fun she’d had in years.
Not surprisingly, supply trips came a little more regularly after that, though Ang Shi was also disciplined for the incident.
Fool wouldn’t even let me heal him when he finally got back.
“Not really,” I told Fenwick. “Just a bit of a favour to ask.”
“I see.” He kept working. “What is it?”
Difficult to ask, apparently. I sighed. “Look, I know you and Jimny are together, and I’m happy for you. By the Nine, all of us deserve some happiness. But I’m worried about what Fin might be picking up from it all.”
Now Fenwick stopped. He put his notes and pen down, turned to stand directly facing me, and crossed his arms. “What do you mean, picking up?”
This time I swallowed. “He’s ten. He’s asking questions. And I’m doing my best to answer them fairly and honestly, but also with his age in mind. I know he needs an education in …” How to put this?
“Sexuality and maturation of humans?” Fenwick asked.
“Yes.” A nice way to put it I wish I’d thought of.
“You’ve already had that talk with him,” Fenwick surprised me by saying.
“Yeah.” I frowned. “How do you know?”
Fenwick tutted. “You are aware he works down here?”
“Of course.” Well, this wasn’t going where I wanted it to go.
“You are aware that we have both male and female dragons based here?”
“Yes, what’s that got to do with it?”
He stood there, eyes hard, and waited for me to figure it out.
“What?” I asked.
“How’s Dora been these last couple of months?”
I shook my head, not needing a distraction. “I didn’t come in to talk about Dora.”
“Well, I think we should. Not least of all because I suspect that you’re going to find this conversation easier. So, how’s Dora been these last couple of months?”
I ground my teeth. “Antsy, mostly, but the last couple of weeks, she’s been calmer.”
“Exactly. Please tell me you know why?”
I blinked, realised, and looked away. My cheeks burned. “She’s in season.”
“Yes, she is. And what’s more, she’s been covered.”
“What?” I demanded. “You haven’t mentioned this to me. Stable Masters are supposed to get permission from the dragon’s rider for a covering.”
“Supposed to, yes, but if I come down here and dragons are already at it of their own free will, I’m not getting between mating great dragons. I’m not suicidal. Especially not when I’m stood right next to an impressionable young stable hand who has questions.”
“Urgh.” I put my elbows on his workbench and hid my face in my hands. “I didn’t know. Sorry.”
“Sullivan, from what I know from my brothers, parenting is just about the hardest job in all creation. There is no way to get it all right, but you’re doing all right. Fin’s a great kid.”
“Yeah,” I stood. “He is. But I worry.”
“That’s normal.”
“Yeah, but life here isn’t.” I straightened and rested my hip against the workbench.
“In normal life, most of the lives he could have in front of him, his life would be full of a mix of male and female. Here, there aren’t any girls or women.
I’m concerned that he’s not getting a broad enough range of education.
If I could balance examples of same-sex relationships against mixed-sex relationships, I’d be less bothered. But I can’t do that here.”
“Hmm.” Fenwick grunted. “Come with me.”
I followed the stable master to his office, sat when he told me to sit, and was surprised when he produced a glass that he filled with amber liquid from a flask. I was even more surprised when he pushed that towards me and took a drink directly from the flask.
“Right, let’s unpack that little speech of yours, shall we?”
He phrased it as a question, but it clearly wasn’t.
“Yes, most places have a mix of genders to deal with because there are a lot of very good female Riders as well as male ones. I’m not sure why none ever get posted to Unkea, but that is above my pay grade and I don’t care, anyway.
Frankly, the girls I grew up with were terrifying.
I’d rather deal with a rabid dragon than them.
And they all joined the infantry. Two of them have risen in the ranks to become the scourge of the territory.
” He shivered and drank again. “But they are not the reason I am the way I am. I’ve always been gay.
And I always knew it. Even as a little kid, I just knew.
I’ve never been ashamed of it, and I won’t let you make me so. ”
“That wasn’t what I was trying to do.” It sounded weak even to me, because there was a part of me that might have been.
“Irrelevant. Next point, he is getting a broad education. When he started asking questions, I answered, and we had a frank discussion. Frankly he told me things I didn’t know about women because I’ve never been with one.
You have and you’ve already had that talk with him.
And I got the impression it wasn’t half as excruciating as the one I had with my dad.
” He looked away, through the years. Shuddered. Took another sip from his flask.
“I just don’t feel like I’m doing enough. There are things boys learn from their mothers that I don’t have the first idea how to teach. Not even sure I know what to teach.”
“Ah, the mysteries of the divine feminine.” He was laughing at me, I was sure.
“Look, to be honest, I suspect he’s getting help from Salvadora in the matter of what women want, think, and feel.
Though I’d rather not anthropomorphise dragons too much.
So if you want to discuss mixed-gender couples, or even mixed-race couples, use Dora and Lord A for that. ”
My brows shot up. “Lord A?”
“Yeah, he hates it, but he’s not here, is he?”
No, he was off-isle with Ang Shi, up to Ashland Harbour, and Ang had promised he would be returning with a surprise for us all.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Fenwick shrugged. “Dora’s a blue, Lord A is a white.
He covered her as much to exert his dominance over the other males here as anything.
But the fact is, they’re different colours.
And unlike us humans, different colour dragons can’t breed.
They’ll be no egg, no little dragon.” He smiled, a softer, far-away look covering his features.
“Can you imagine how cute it would be if they did? Pale blue with soft fur and the occasional feather.” He shook his head.
“That’s all very well,” I said. “But I don’t want Fin—”
His attention snapped back to me, and it was sharper this time. “Being unduly influenced?” Fenwick asked.
I frowned, struggling to find the words. “It’s not … Maybe it is.” I rubbed over the top of my close-cropped hair. “By the Gods, Fenwick, I don’t even know what it is.”
“What it is is that Fin’s your kid, and you want to protect him and not let him grow up too fast, even though he’s far and away more mature than any of the other kids who have been through here were at his age?”
I looked at Fenwick, my eyebrows were up, head tilted to one side. “Is he? He still feels like a little kid to me.”
“You’re his dad. He’ll always feel like a little kid to you.”
That was probably true.
Fenwick sat more squarely. “Sullivan, there is only ever a maximum of twenty-seven men stationed here at any one time. We all remember what it was to be a kid, and believe me, we all watch out for any of the kids here, but Fin especially.”
I nodded. “Yeah, he’s got a family here like he never had before.” I smiled at that. “Twenty other dads.”
“Exactly. And we all take care of Fin in our own ways. Even Shi. He doesn’t like to show it, but he does.”
“I know he does. And I may not show it as much as I should, but I appreciate it too.” Actually, I should show it more, let Ang Shi know that I appreciated what he did.
“You know Jimny and I aren’t the only couple here, though, don’t you?”
I nodded. “But you’re the man he spends most time with. Probably more than he does with me. You’re the man he looks up to most.”
“At best I’m third in line for that one,” Fenwick laughed.
I’d think about that comment later. Running a hand over my head, I struggled to formulate what I wanted to say, because I really didn’t want to offend Fenwick. He was a friend. “I just don’t want him to see anything that would upset him or make him uncomfortable about coming down here.”
“Do you know how old I am?”
Tricky question, trickier to find an answer. I knew he was a little older than me, but not by much, so I guessed. “Early to mid-forties?”
“Forty-nine,” he said. “And Jimny just turned thirty. To a certain extent, he’s a kid to me.
I don’t know where it’s going to go with him.
Don’t know if it’s going to last, or if he’ll get posted away and I’ll never see him again.
So I’m enjoying what time I have while he’s here.
What I’m not doing, and will never do, is enjoy him in public spaces.
We’ve agreed not to even kiss in front of others unless it’s people we know are okay with it.
I don’t care to make a huge spectacle of my affections.
We keep anything that private behind closed doors.
I mean, have you ever seen us kiss? Or even hold hands? ”
No, I hadn’t. Realising the relationship had been about noticing the subtleties, not the overt. Oh lord, they felt I wasn’t okay with their being together. I was restricting them, letting my friends down. I hung my head in shame and apologised.
“What for?”
“This whole conversation has been unfair to you.”
“This whole conversation is the result of a caring parent not knowing how to tackle a difficult subject.”
He was right. “I guess I get too much in my own head sometimes, especially when it’s about Fin.”
“I get it,” he said. “You don’t have backup at home to discuss things with. So take some advice. If in doubt, speak to Shi. He’s not a father himself, but he knows how to take care of those who depend on him.”
Again, he was right and I nodded.
“Good.” He took another slug from the flask. “Sullivan, tell me, what’s your vision of the perfect partner for you?”
Not a question I was expecting. I looked into the middle distance and wondered how to put it into words. “Erm. Kind. Caring. Intelligent. Inner strength.” I smiled. “Tall. Athletic. Long black hair.”
“Hmm,” he said. “Who are you describing?”
“Sasha.” I frowned at him. “My late wife.”
“Hmm,” he said. “You sure?”
Who else would I be describing? I took up the drink and downed it in one. “Yes.” I stood. “Look, I’m sorry, and thanks.”
“No problem,” he said. “And, just so you know, Flight Captain Shi spoke to me months ago about protecting Fin from stuff he’s not ready for.”
* * *
When Flight Captain Ang Shi returned, he did indeed have a surprise for us. Four breeding sets of pigs. We built sties for them along one side of the inner bailey, with access into rooms which at that point were unused. We had instructions to learn and follow on animal husbandry and butchery.
The addition meant that we had meat more regularly on the menu, and the small vegetable patch got bigger and better fertilised.
And the dragons got an occasional fresh snack.
Fin was horrified the first time he realised I was taking a live piglet to the nests for a dragon to eat, but he understood. He even grew used to having to take guts and entrails down to the nests if we butchered a pig. That was the bit that made me feel sick.