Chapter Twelve
Nausea roiled in my belly for hours after than confrontation with Shi.
The grumbling carried on for days. Every time I thought about it, I tasted bile.
I had to face the Flight Captain frequently, it was my job, but I found I struggled to look him in the eye.
It was all I could do to control the tremors when I was near him.
I wasn’t even sure why I was fighting any more, was it him?
Me? Gods I was so confused. If only I had the emotional control he did.
Unable to settle after a night shift, I padded down to the nests. Salvadora was having no trouble sleeping, she was curled up and warm. Lord Aurexian was absent, so Ang Shi must have been out too.
“The privilege of command,” Fenwick said as he moved up to me. “He can go out any time he wants, no need for permission or explanation. How’s you?”
My stomach made bad sounds, not exactly a gurgle, not exactly a wretch, but not nice.
“Do you need to eat or throw up?” Fenwick asked.
“Both, probably,” I admitted. “I thought Fin would be down here.”
“Another half hour or so,” Fenwick said. “He’s still in class. You gonna tell me what the problem is?”
I leaned on the post marker between nests and hung my head. “I’m just wallowing.”
“Not something I’ve seen you do for some years now, so what are you wallowing in?”
“How useless I am as a father and a Rider.”
Fenwick nodded. “Well, that really is deep shit.”
I wasn’t sure how to take that.
“Because you’re not useless at either.”
I looked him in the eye. “Doesn’t feel like it.” The sigh felt like it came from my toes. “I’m forever at odds with the Flight Captain and feel like I’m the worst role model there is for Fin.”
“I see.” Fenwick widened his stance and folded his arms. “So how are you not helping Fin?”
“I haven’t been able to help him with his magic or his mind-speech. I can’t teach him on the mats. His schoolwork sends me cross-eyed. About the only thing I’ve taught him is how to cook. Jimny had to teach him how to iron a shirt.”
“Shirts can be hard to iron,” Fenwick said.
“It’s the gathering at the shoulders and cuffs.
And you haven’t had to iron for years because of the swap you did to save Jimny’s hands.
Cooking is a great skill, one more of us need to learn.
His future wife will thank you for passing that on.
Schoolwork sends every adult cross-eyed because none of us have to be that academic, post-college.
As a parent, you are not allowed to teach Fin on the mats, that’s a service rule, nothing against you.
And as for the magic work, well Ang Shi is unsurpassed when it comes to teaching that.
I think it’s all about his sensitivity to even minor electrical currents. ”
“And listen to what you just said, Fenwick. Shi’s teaching him more than I am.”
“And Fin is doing really well at rebuffing the Evanovs’ attempts to bully him. That comes from you, not Ang.”
“Unlikely.” I shook my head. “Every time I see either, I just want to punch them.”
“Yep, most of us feel that way. Even Ang.”
I huffed a bitter laugh. “Oh look, common ground! And yet I can’t even find a way to get on with the guy.
I never get it right around him. I’m always on my guard.
And after all the years I’ve been here, you’d think I’d be better at that, but I swear it’s getting worse.
Even Dora and Lord A are doing better together these days. ”
“They’re having sex,” Fenwick pointed out. “Not sure that would work for you and Ang Shi. Yet.”
* * *
3952, New Translaw Calendar
“Fin?” I called after my son from my seat by the fire.
“Night, Dad,” he mumbled and staggered straight to his room.
I put down the newssheet, got up and followed him through. He had already crashed on the bed. “Fin? What’s going on? You’ve come home like this every night for the last week. What are you doing?”
“Ang said…”
But I wasn’t to know what Ang had said, because that sentence ended in a snore.
This was ridiculous. Some parents had to cope with their sons coming home from the pub drunk on cheap beer and stinking of cheaper women. My son came home too overworked for supper. Or even to undress before getting into bed.
Feeling like a thousand ants were crawling beneath my skin, I stepped into Fin’s room and removed his boots.
I couldn’t do much else for him, he was just too big now.
How dare Ang push him like this? At sixteen, Fin was just as tall as me, and broader.
Ang had him exercising so much that that was no surprise.
His work in the stables was hardly lightweight.
At least he was getting paid for that. Which would come in handy when he went to college. But still…
I couldn’t settle back with the newssheets. They were over two weeks old already, so nothing that urgent to worry about. Slamming them down, I strode out of the room. I needed — something.
The route to the stables was clear, there were no lights from the Stable Master’s office or apartment.
I could feel Dora was antsy as I approached.
The air in the whole stable was. To reach her, I had to pass Lord Aurexian.
He eyed me, shook his head. He clearly didn’t want me to do whatever I was here for.
Dora was already on her feet, turning circles in her nest. Her nose came straight to my hand, and we both knew we were ready to fly.
She came out, wings furled tight to her sides. Side by side, we walked to the more open launching area and, for once, I mounted there instead of the landing platform. Only once I was seated did she stretch out her wings and launch us into the frigid air.
We scaled altitude quickly, rising over the spitting spray of the freezing waters and into the cold air.
Clouds covered the moon and stars. There was nothing but mist and sea.
A blurred forever. It was almost as though for all Salvadora’s movement we were standing still and the world was moving around us.
Going forward, ever going forward. Or going nowhere.
Which was what I’d been doing since I got to Unkea.
Maybe it was time to do something about that.
Yes. Definitely.
I like it here.
I sighed. “Dora, you would. You’re an ice dragon from the polar regions. You live for the cold.” My teeth started chattering and as I shook my head, I noted the fine mist on my goggles was starting to freeze. “Let’s get back.”
Dora executed a perfect 180. I would miss Lord Aurexian if we left.
Of course she would. Whenever she was in heat, he covered her. My dragon was getting more sex than I was.
I’m not the only one who would miss someone here.
I pretended not to know what she meant.
Oh please, she scoffed. You might not be sharing your body with anyone, but you pleasure yourself when you can. And I know who you think of when you do.
“Sasha,” I declared. “I think of Sasha.”
Only I didn’t. That knowledge ate at the very core of me.
It had been nearly two years since that disastrous conversation after Fin’s first formation flight.
Gahunia had settled down with one of the other men, still friendly with Fin, but never over-friendly.
Since that night, a barrier had risen between myself and Ang Shi.
The friendly attachment that had started to form had become brittle.
I avoided him. He avoided me. Flight Captain and Flight Sergeant.
A military command structure. That was all there was.
You could change it if you wanted to.
I was going to.
As Dora flew on, the wind increased. The temperatures decreased.
My breath flew in visible plumes before me.
The collar of my flight jacket was already up, the fur lining tickling my neck, but the biting cold nibbled past. It was buttoned up as much as it could be, but my own temperature was dropping too. My fingers were almost white with cold.
Mentally urging Dora on, I knew she understood how the cold was bearable for her. I wasn’t sure she understood how it was getting life-threatening to me.
“Hurry, please.” I urged her, at long last seeing the danger in our actions.
We flew directly into the launching area by the stable.
I slid from Dora’s seat bone and walked her back to her nest. She settled straight down and I leaned into her head.
Bonding with a dragon was a deeply personal thing.
It wasn’t like falling in love with a human partner, but it affected me just as deeply.
I hugged her tight and scratched her above the brow ridge.
The cold was leaving me. Itchiness came up in its place. I felt sick.
I left Dora and headed up.
Stopped dead when I saw Flight Captain Ang Shi standing in front of the stairs up to the fortress.
He stood in a wide-legged stance, his hands clasped behind his back. I moved closer, stood to attention, and saluted. As my arm returned to my side, I tried to ignore the tremors of cold that still shot through me. All without once meeting his eye.
“Do you not understand the flag system we run here, Flight Sergeant Segast?” By that point, I had come to recognise the reasonable tone was a deadly disguise for blazing anger.
“Yes, sir. I do,” I said. Because I did.
“What does an orange flag at the launching area mean, Flight Sergeant?”
That seemed like an odd question. “It means Riders are not to fly out individually and Wings should check the necessity to go, sir.”
“So do you want to explain to me why you took dragon Salvadora out and rode her alone when there is an orange flag flying?”
I blinked. Frowned. And turned. Only then did I see the flag flying there. “That wasn’t up when I left.”
Yes, it was, Dora belatedly told me.
Damn it all. I turned back and faced my Flight Captain. “My apologies, Captain. I failed to register the warning. I am at fault.” A fact that just made me angrier at myself, I should have noticed, I should have taken better care of Dora. Even in my general anger.
“I am glad you recognise that. You realise that I have no choice but to command discipline for the action?”
I swallowed and stood at attention. “Yes. S-sir.” The stutter came from a shiver. Of course he would discipline me. That was his job.
“You’re running cold—”
“No, sir. I’m running hot.” My teeth were gritted. “Boiling hot.”
“Flight Sergeant?”
“I resign.” The words were out of my mouth before they had even formed in my mind. Salvadora grunted behind me. I could feel her trying to push into my mind. I blocked her out.
“Denied.” Shi’s voice was dangerously low.
“What? You can’t refuse.” My rational mind and my words were two different people in that moment. “I resign.”
What happened to talking to Fin about this first?
It was a struggle, but I pushed Dora’s voice away again.
Shi stood without reacting. “Why would you want to do that?”
By the Gods, I wanted to punch him. Why couldn’t he just react? Why didn’t he get bothered by anything? By me?
“Because!”
Something flickered in his features. Finally. Was he actually listening to me?
“Because of what, Sullivan? Why would you want to leave?”
My chin wobbled despite my grasping for control.
I wished I had a fraction of Ang’s composure.
“Because I want Fin to have a normal life. I want him to see what the world is like, not this grey, never-changing, men-only box. We’re here because I told the truth.
An inconvenient truth that the brass don’t like.
I’d no option and I’ve ruined my son’s life because of it.
I’ve requested transfers, and you’ve denied them.
The only way out now is to resign my post.”
Ang stepped closer. His hands appeared at his sides. They moved forward, then back. Behind his back. “Request denied.”
“Why?” I demanded. “Are you trying to torture me? Or is it Fin? Are you trying to torture him? Because it looks like it. The poor kid comes home most nights and passes out from exhaustion. He never gets a break.”
“I am training him as he asked to be trained. To be the best Rider he can be.”
“You’re pushing him too hard,” I argued.
Ang didn’t respond immediately. He rarely did. When he spoke, it was measured. Controlled. “He will need it.”
“No one needs that!”
“Sullivan—”
“No one can keep going at that level forever.”
His eyes flashed, his nostrils flared. “I know what I’m doing.”
“So do I,” I shouted. “You are overstepping!”
“You think I would harm the thing that matters most to you?”
Lightning cracked the stones by his feet.