Chapter 21
21
‘This is such an unexpected pleasure.’ As Isla’s grandmother set the tray down on the table, she repeated the same words she’d said when Isla had first arrived. She hadn’t phoned her grandparents to say she was coming over, because it had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. What Gwen had said had weighed on her mind. Not just her comment about Isla being glad once she’d told them about her diagnosis, but also her advice to make the most of every moment she had with them, regardless of how she responded to treatment. No one was around forever, and they were two of her favourite people in the world, so she should be making the most of every moment with them. But it wasn’t too late, and she fully intended to make up for lost time.
‘I’d hate to see how much food you’d have brought in if you knew I was coming.’ Isla grinned. There was a plate stacked high with biscuits and cookies, and another one with sausage rolls on one side and a brick wall of brownies on the other.
‘You timed it well, coming on a day when I’ve been baking and your grandpa hasn’t had the chance to polish everything off just yet.’ Joy’s tone was teasing, and her husband laughed.
‘I did my best, but not even I can eat forty brownies in one sitting.’
‘I told you that some of those are for the bake sale that Gwen is organising for the Friends’ summer fundraising drive. So if you had eaten them all, you’d have had her and me to answer to!’
‘Thank God I didn’t then, because no man could survive that.’ Grandpa Bill laughed again, and Isla did her best to arrange her face into a smile, but she was having the same trouble faking it as she’d so often had lately. The thought of her grandmother meeting up with Gwen and them idly chatting about life, without Gwen bringing up the fact that Isla had been diagnosed with leukaemia seemed impossible.
‘This year would be particularly dangerous for you to cross Gwen, because she’s on a mission to raise funds for another scanner.’ Isla’s grandmother sighed. ‘One of the nurses on the orthopaedics ward was diagnosed with cancer after a scan that wouldn’t have been detected any other way until it was too late. She’d have left her six-year-old son behind if it hadn’t been caught in time. So, she wants to raise all the funds she can.’
‘Cancer’s the devil in a not-very-convincing disguise.’ Grandpa Bill shook his head. ‘It’s pure bloody evil.’
‘It is. Her husband was so terrified of losing her that the only way he could cope was to go out and run until he was almost fit to drop. He’s doing a fundraiser for the scanner too, running three marathons in three weeks. Her dad, who’s in his seventies, is doing one of them with him because he’s so grateful for what the scan picked up and the fact that he’s still got his daughter. There’s nothing a parent fears more than losing a child.’ Her grandmother’s voice was thick with emotion, and Isla got to her feet, wrapping her arms around her nan, as Grandpa Bill did the same from the other side, encircling both of them in his arms.
‘I’m so lucky I’ve got you here with me.’ Joy leant her head against Isla’s shoulder. ‘That everyone is well, and we’ve got the visit to the twins to look forward to. I count my blessings a lot, but stories like that are a reminder to do it every day.’
‘They certainly are, my love.’ Bill squeezed them both tightly for a moment, but that wasn’t the only reason Isla was struggling to catch her breath. There was no way she could tell them about her diagnosis now. It would cause them so much worry and she decided it was better to wait until she knew how the treatment was going before telling them. All she could do in the meantime was to hope, for her sake and theirs, that they’d never need to know at all.
When Reuben had invited Isla to go to the weekly get-together at his grandparents’ house, she’d told him not to be so silly. Meeting the family was something you did way down the line in a relationship, and they weren’t even in one. She could admit now that they were friends, fast becoming very good ones, and circumstances had meant they’d shared confidences with one another that no one else knew. But it had never crossed the line into something else, although she’d have been lying to herself if she’d pretended she hadn’t thought about what it might be like to kiss him. But they hadn’t and if she ever did decide a relationship was worth risking her heart for, it certainly wouldn’t be at a time when she was going through so much other stuff. And it wouldn’t be with someone whose friendship she’d miss as much as she’d miss Reuben’s, if it all went wrong. So meeting the family seemed like an odd thing to do.
‘My family love meeting my friends, and you’re not just that.’ When he’d looked at her, she’d wondered if he was going to make a move, her body reacting as if he was already touching her, as she desperately tried to persuade herself it would be a mistake. Except her body and her brain seemed to have gone their separate ways. But he hadn’t crossed the line, and the only contact had been a light touch on her arm. ‘You’re already family in a way, and you’re going to be around us a lot after Jase and Aidan have their baby. So why not get meeting the rest of us out of the way now? I would say we’re a perfectly normal family, but I’m not going to lie.’
He’d grinned then, that disarming smile of his that had made her feel like there was some kind of connection with him from the first day they’d met. He probably had that effect on everyone, but either way it made it impossible for her to resist his invitation. She’d double-checked with Aidan, who’d seemed delighted about the idea, and now here she was.
‘You needn’t have bought anything. We’re just so glad you’ve finally come to visit, darling.’ Reuben’s grandmother, Lin, planted a big kiss on her cheek after Reuben finished his introductions, and Isla had given Lin the chocolates and wine she’d brought with her. ‘I’ve heard so much about you from Aid and Jase, and of course, Rube. Come through, come through. Everyone else is in the living room already. It’s Tash’s birthday, so you’ve picked the perfect occasion to join us.’
‘I’m sorry, this might be a bit full-on.’ Reuben whispered the words to her, before his grandmother started to hug him too. He’d explained that it was his mum’s birthday, so she’d brought along some chocolates for Tash, too. What she hadn’t realised was that she’d be getting a gift. After another round of introductions, Lin gestured towards a two-seater sofa, with two packages in brightly coloured wrapping paper on the coffee table in front of it.
‘Right, you two sit over there, you can see where your presents are.’
‘I forgot to tell you about this. It’s a family tradition that no matter whose birthday it is, everyone gets a gift.’ Reuben rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling.
‘It’s all Jase’s fault.’ Tash gave her younger brother a playful nudge. ‘When he was little he’d go into absolute meltdown when it was my birthday and he didn’t get any presents, so Mum started buying him something small to stop him from sulking and the tradition just grew from there.’
‘These days it’s only a bit of fun.’ Lin shrugged. ‘Just a token gift to make everyone in the family feel included in the celebration.’
‘You’re a part of the family now whether you like it or not.’ Jase raised his glass. ‘Although, after the gift you offered us, I think the bath bombs, or whatever delight you’ve got in your package, are going to seem like a poor exchange.’
‘I’m expecting socks as usual.’ Reuben’s grandad, Ray, laughed, earning himself a stony look from his wife.
‘If you cut your toenails a bit more regularly, so they didn’t poke holes in the front of your socks, I wouldn’t need to buy them so often.’
‘Maybe you should have bought him some toenail cutters?’ Tash pulled a face. ‘It’s just a good job we’re not eating yet, because it would put poor Isla off her food.’
‘Ray would need a belt sander for those things, anyway.’ Aidan’s words were met by a chorus of laughter, even from his father-in-law, although he also threw a pillow in his direction. They were so much fun to be around, and the love they had for one another was evident. Isla found herself watching Aidan a lot of the time, noticing how comfortable he seemed in the heart of his husband’s family. He’d told her how strained things were with his own relatives, and it was lovely to see he’d found a second family who clearly adored him as much as he did them.
When Isla had eventually opened her gift, she’d discovered that it wasn’t socks, or bath bombs. Instead, there was a mug, with the words ‘I make families, what’s your superpower?’ written across the front. Tears had pricked her eyes and she’d felt a huge rush of affection for everyone in the room. If everything went well and Jase and Aidan got their dream of becoming parents, the baby was going to be incredibly lucky to be a part of this family. When she’d thought about the prospect of potentially losing her own fertility, the idea of preserving her eggs had felt like a huge priority. It was strange, when she’d always feared how vulnerable it would make her to love someone enough to want to start a family with them, but she couldn’t deny any more that a big part of her wanted that. Only now she wasn’t sure she could ever risk having a child, not when there was no guarantee of how her leukaemia might progress. She’d always had this habit of allowing her brain to race too far ahead, and imagine scenarios she might not ever have to face. It was something she was working through with her counsellor, who’d assured her that her feelings would settle down once she’d processed the shock of her diagnosis. But the truth was, ever since she’d realised there was absolutely nothing she could do about her father’s illness, she’d always been frightened of things she couldn’t control, and her own diagnosis had brought so much of that back.
‘Are you okay? Sorry if this is a bit much.’ Reuben leant closer to her as he spoke and the confusion spiralling around in her head whipped up into a frenzy. She really liked him. There was no point in pretending, but wanting something didn’t always mean it was a good idea. And she still didn’t know if he saw her as anything more than a friend, who also happened to be donating her eggs to his uncles. He might feel weird about that too, even if he did like her. It was all so complicated, and she needed to talk some sense into herself, but it was very hard to do that when Reuben was sitting so close.
‘Your family are lovely.’ It was on the tip of her tongue to say ‘you are too’, but somehow she managed to hold back.
‘Well, I’ve promised Nan I’ll go and get the barbecue started, so you can either stay in here and face the inquisition that will no doubt start as soon as I leave, or you can give me a hand.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ It would probably have been safer to steer clear of spending any time alone with Reuben, but she didn’t seem to be able to help herself.
Ten minutes later the barbecue was lit, and the coals were beginning to do what they were supposed to.
‘Do you want to see the most magical place on earth?’ Reuben turned towards her and she wrinkled her nose.
‘Are you offering to take me to Disneyland?’
‘Maybe one day.’ As he looked in her direction, she swore she could feel the blood pulsing through her veins. She was on dangerous ground, because if he touched her now, no amount of telling herself this might be a stupid thing to do was going to make any difference. ‘But for the time being, I was going to show you the part of the garden where Nan and Grandad convinced me there were pixies living, when I was a kid.’
He took her hand, making the blood rush even faster, and led her towards the bottom of his grandparents’ garden, where a semi-circle of huge oak trees separated their property from the farmland behind it. All the trees had little wooden doors nailed to the base of the trunks.
‘Grandad made the doors, and Nan used to hide stuff among the trees and the flowers around them, telling me they were things the pixies had left behind. They’d tell me stories about them, and I spent every spare moment down here, desperately hoping to catch sight of one.’
‘I bet that was amazing.’
‘It was, and I had the best childhood, because I was the focus of everyone in the family, so I never really missed having a dad around. It must have been so much harder for you, with your dad’s illness being such a big part of your life growing up.’ Reuben took hold of her other hand, and they were standing face to face, so close she could feel him breathing.
‘I was lucky too and I had grandparents who stepped up, as well. My nan was amazing and when Mum really wasn’t coping well, she was the one who gathered me and Lexi up, and focused all her energies on us. She’s the person I most want to be like and even though there’s no genetic link between us, she taught me more about what family means than anyone else. That’s why I don’t have any concerns about donating my eggs to Aidan and Jase, because Aidan understands that too, that family is the people who love you most, not just the ones you share some DNA with.’
‘You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever met. You’re going through so much, but you still want to help other people. I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time, Isla, and I know it’s going to sound like a line you’ve heard a hundred times before, but I can’t stop thinking about you.’
‘I haven’t heard it nearly as often as you might imagine.’ Despite the nerves fluttering in her chest, she managed to laugh. Reuben might well be one of those people who fell for someone easily, but it had never happened to Isla before, and for once in her life she was going to feel the fear and do it anyway. Dropping his hands, she put her arms around his waist, pulling him closer, before announcing her intention. ‘And because of that I’m going to kiss you now, if that’s okay?’
‘I think I can live with the idea.’ Reuben grinned again and, as she pressed her lips against his, all the chatter and worries about the future that had been racing through her head were silenced. It was just the two of them, and this moment, and the best kiss she’d ever had in her life. Nothing else mattered, nothing else even existed, and she never wanted it to stop.
Like all good things, the kiss eventually had to end, because if it hadn’t, Isla wasn’t sure she could have been responsible for her actions. As welcoming as Reuben’s family were, she doubted they’d have been thrilled to find her tearing off his clothes in the magical pixie garden they’d created for him when he was a child. She wanted to blame the hormones she was injecting into her body in preparation for the egg collection, but she was past trying to delude herself now. Her feelings for Reuben had grown from a powerful initial attraction to something much deeper, and pretending they hadn’t wouldn’t make them go away. Instead, she was trying not to overthink it and just see what happened. This was one more thing she couldn’t control, which scared her, but she had a strong suspicion it was already far too late to protect her heart.
‘Do you want to stay out here and be my barbequing buddy?’ Reuben entwined his fingers with hers. ‘I know everyone wants to talk to you, but it’s nice having you to myself for a bit. At least until they all start coming out here asking when the food’s going to be ready.’
‘I’d like that.’ The fact that Reuben was making no attempt to play things cool made her like him even more.
‘Great, wait here. I’ll go and get us some drinks.’ He kissed her again, much more briefly this time, but her body still tingled with anticipation. ‘I’ll be right back.’
‘I’ll see if I can be the first one to spot a pixie.’
‘Listen, I really like you, but if you’re the first one to spot one, after all the years I spent trying, I might not be able to forgive you.’ Reuben attempted to give her a serious look, but then he broke into a smile. ‘Just don’t tell me if you see one.’
‘I promise to take it to my grave.’ It was only a throwaway line, but Isla shivered as Reuben disappeared. She had to stop focusing on the worst scenario, and make the most of every moment, the way Gwen had told her to. But it was harder than she wanted it to be to not let unwanted thoughts creep in. Maybe concentrating hard, in the hope of finally spotting a pixie, really was the way to go.
It couldn’t have been more than a minute or so since Reuben had gone inside, and Isla was crouching at the base of the furthest oak tree, out of sight, trying to read the tiny hand-carved inscription on the door, when she heard voices. She’d have recognised the first one anywhere.
‘So, what’s it like turning forty-nine?’ Aidan’s voice had a gentle teasing tone to it.
‘Much the same as being forty-eight so far, but I’m going to have a bloody big party next year, that’s for sure. And hopefully I’ll finally have a little niece or nephew to share the day with. I can’t think of any better gift than being an auntie.’ Tash sounded really excited by the prospect, but Aidan’s response was far more measured and downbeat.
‘I’m not sure how quickly it’s going to happen.’
‘I thought the meeting with the surrogate went well?’
‘It did.’
‘So, what’s the problem?’
‘We’re just not sure if using Isla’s eggs is the right thing to do any more. It might be better to wait and find another donor, but I’ve got no idea how long that’s going to take.’ Isla felt as though she’d been winded. Aidan had been having doubts all this time, but he hadn’t had the guts to tell her. Suddenly she had no idea whether he’d meant any of the things he’d said since her diagnosis, and even the ground beneath her feet no longer seemed as solid as it had.
‘Come on you two, you can’t hide out here!’ Ray’s voice suddenly filled the air. ‘Lin’s got her sister on FaceTime, and Auntie Pat wants to wish you a happy birthday.’
Waiting until she was sure they’d gone inside, Isla stood up, all the blood rushing to her feet as she did, forcing her to lean against the tree she’d been crouching next to. Aidan and Jase were clearly having doubts they’d never shared with her about using her eggs, and her mind was already racing ahead and coming up with all sorts of reasons why that might be, but none of them were good.