Chapter 24
24
The calls from Aidan’s family had become much more regular since the day he’d stormed out of the pub. His mother called at least once a week and sent regular parcels containing things that couldn’t be bought outside of Ireland, including the Jacob’s Coconut Creams that Jase had fallen in love with on his first ever visit. Aidan’s brother, Niall, had set up a WhatsApp group for all the siblings and their partners, where they regularly exchanged family photographs and checked in with how Aidan and Jase were doing. It might not seem a huge deal that Jase had been added to the group, in the same way his siblings’ spouses had, but it felt like a massive step to Aidan. The funny thing was, since he’d made it clear he wasn’t getting involved in his father’s seventieth birthday celebrations, they all avoided mentioning Sean, and his mother acted as if her husband didn’t exist during her calls. It was probably easier that way; it certainly hurt Aidan less to pretend he didn’t exist. He could accept that the rest of the family still loved his father, because deep down he did too. He wished he didn’t, but life was rarely as simple as he wanted it to be.
Ever since her visit, Aidan’s relationship with May had made huge strides in getting back to how it was when they were children. She’d already booked a week in an Airbnb in Port Kara, so that she and her family could spend some quality time with Aidan and Jase in the next school holiday. When he’d tried to insist that she come and stay with them instead, she’d been adamant that they shouldn’t impose, because there was no way of knowing where they’d be up to in their treatment at that stage, and they might need some space as a result. She was so empathetic and understanding, and had become their number-one cheerleader almost overnight. So it was no surprise to see her number flash up on his phone when it rang one evening, just after he’d finished work.
‘If you’re calling me to suggest another parenting book, Jase already has them all. He must do by now because we’re spending more on books than on our mortgage!’ It wasn’t strictly true, but sometimes it felt like it.
‘It’s nothing like that. I wanted to tell you something before someone else does, or you see it online.’ May’s voice sounded strained and the tightness in Aidan’s chest that always appeared when he feared bad news was making it hard to catch his breath.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s Cian’s father, John. He’s dead and Da was the one who found him. He’d gone missing, and Da and some of the others from the pub went looking for him. John was in there almost every night, drinking far too much. It was always worse at certain times and yesterday was Cian’s?—’
‘Birthday.’ Aidan cut his sister off. He’d marked the occasion in his own way, raising a toast to his old friend and making the same promise he always did: to try to live a life Cian would have been proud of. It wasn’t a date that ever slipped by unnoticed for him, and it seemed that John had been far more affected by his son’s death than Aidan had realised. For a long time, he’d held hatred in his heart towards Cian’s parents, but no one had come out of what had happened to him unscathed.
‘I knew you wouldn’t have forgotten.’ May sounded like she was struggling not to cry. ‘Da’s friend Jimmy was in the pub too, and he said that John’s drinking was even heavier than usual and that some of them offered to get him home. John insisted on getting some air first, but he didn’t come back and they thought he’d decided to head off on his own. It was only when his wife called Jimmy, to ask if he’d seen John, that they realised he hadn’t made it home. That’s when they started looking for him. Da eventually went to the church and found John slumped on the ground, close to Cian’s grave. He was already cold, but Da still tried to bring him back. It must have been awful, and Mammy said that the look on his face when he came home was heartbreaking.’
‘Oh my God, that’s terrible. Such a lot of wasted life that could have been avoided.’ Aidan closed his eyes for a moment. Picturing Cian’s face as it had been, back when they’d spent all their time hanging out together, bonding over a part of their identity that had tied them together like brothers. There’d been so many missed opportunities for Cian’s parents to prevent the tragedy that had cost them their son, and that had now cost Eileen her husband. Someone always needed to reach out first, before it was too late, and sometimes that first step was all it took. ‘Do you think I should talk to Da?’
‘He’s closed himself off, he’s barely saying two words to anyone and I wouldn’t want you to think, if he doesn’t want to talk, that it’s a personal thing against you.’ May let go of a shuddering breath and Aidan tried not to over-analyse what she’d said. There was a chance she was trying to protect him, because she knew their father had no interest in trying to rebuild a relationship with his youngest child, but he was going to take her words at face value for now. Their father had been through something traumatic and this wasn’t about Aidan.
‘I’ll send him a message and if he wants to call me he can, if not…’ He had no idea how to finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to. May understood.
‘I wish I’d known what you and Cian were going through back then, I could have done more to help and I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
‘Don’t say that. I spent years wishing I’d done more to help Cian, but we can’t change the past, all we can do is try and learn from it.’ Aidan breathed out slowly. Reaching out to his father was the right thing to do, despite the fact he’d told himself there’d be no more chances. Cian and John had never taken the opportunity to say the things that needed to be said, and they’d lost their lives because of it. Aidan’s father might never say the words he wanted to hear either, but he wasn’t going to be the one to prevent his father from having the chance. It was down to Sean now.
Isla telling herself that she couldn’t lean on Reuben was one thing, but actually following through on that promise was a lot harder. He’d seemed so sad when she’d sent him away, turning down the chance of starting a relationship with him that a huge part of her had desperately wanted to take. She wondered if he’d ever want to speak to her again, but then he’d called the day after, just to check in, so he’d said. That’s when she’d found herself telling him about Sarah, the tears flowing again as she recounted the regrets the older woman had shared with her. He’d listened and empathised, eventually asking Isla if she’d found the conversation with Sarah even more difficult because of what she was going through. She’d admitted she was determined, regardless of how the CML progressed, never to end up looking back on a lifetime full of regrets and missed opportunities.
‘Talking of not living with regrets, I know you don’t want us to be any more than friends, but I don’t want to lose your friendship too, because I was an idiot and told you how I felt.’ Reuben’s voice was low, and she almost cracked then, and told him she felt things for him she’d never felt before. But she had to remember the promise she’d made not to drag him into the middle of a mess she was still a long way from sorting out. Isla couldn’t deny she’d missed him, though, from the moment he’d walked out of her flat, and she couldn’t bear the thought of him not being a part of her life in some capacity.
‘I’d like to stay friends.’ She wondered for a moment whether he could hear the lie in her voice. It wasn’t what she wanted, but she’d made a vow to focus on getting her life back on track, and becoming romantically involved with Reuben could so easily disrupt that, especially if it didn’t last.
‘How about we go out and do something together? Strictly platonic, of course, and I promise not to say anything that crosses the line of our friendship, as long as you promise me something too.’ There was a slight teasing tone to Reuben’s voice, and she had a feeling she was going to have to work every bit as hard not to cross that line. But she’d manage somehow. After all, she’d got very adept at hiding how she really felt just lately.
‘What do you want me to promise?’
‘That we won’t talk about the fertility treatment or the CML. It’ll be just you and me, having fun, two friends together.’ He emphasised the last part and she found herself nodding, even though he couldn’t see her.
‘I think that sounds like a fair deal, What did you have in mind?’
‘Axe throwing.’ This time his voice was completely deadpan and she couldn’t help laughing.
‘We’re going axe throwing? Are you sure that’s a good idea? I’ve got a lot of pent-up rage.’ She’d meant it as joke, but Reuben still had that knack he’d always had of getting things out of her, even when she’d fully intended to keep them to herself.
‘That makes it the ideal activity then. It’s at that new bar in Port Tremellien, The Games Room. You can do axe throwing, crazy golf, beer pong, and there’s even some karaoke booths.’
‘I think you might decide you’d rather I threw an axe at your head than have to listen to me sing.’ Isla was already grinning at the thought. It sounded like the perfect night out, doing stupid things and having the kind of fun she couldn’t remember having in a long time.
‘Are you free tomorrow evening? I can pick you up at six.’
‘I’ll look forward to seeing you.’ It was the kind of thing friends said to each other all the time and there was no reason he should read anything more into it, even if she had to admit to herself that her longing to see him didn’t feel much like friendship.