Chapter 26
26
When the clinic phoned to confirm Isla’s final scan before the egg collection, it was clear they had no idea that the plans had changed. The nurse asked if Aidan or Jase would be coming in with her, and whether there’d been any rethink on attempting to create embryos for freezing with the first five eggs, or simply freezing all the eggs for fertilisation at a later date. The research Isla had done suggested there was a slightly better chance of embryos thawing more successfully than unfertilised eggs, but it wasn’t even an option on the table any more, given that Aidan and Jase didn’t want to go ahead. Either they hadn’t told the clinic about the change of plan, or they were still too worried they’d hurt Isla by pulling out of the arrangement, which would mean Reuben had lied when he’d said he talk to them about it.
She tried not to fan the tiny spark of hope flickering inside her, that Aidan and Jase might have decided they still wanted to go ahead, because she’d never once wavered on that. She might have made a mess of things by fixating on it being her only chance of having a child, but she knew now that wasn’t true. The odds of her managing her condition were hugely in her favour, and the biggest barrier to her having a family of her own day would be if she decided to stand in her own way. But she wasn’t going to be like Sarah Vardy, Isla was going to start taking risks with every opportunity that came along, and the first one had arrived when she’d got that call from the clinic.
‘Is everything okay?’ Reuben sounded breathless when he answered the phone, but just hearing his voice gave Isla a warm glow.
‘I’m fine.’ She tried not to read too much into the fact that it sounded as though he really cared. She’d done nothing but try to push him away, and yet he’d still fought to be a part of her life and it genuinely seemed to matter to him that she was okay. ‘I just had a call from the clinic asking me if anything has changed with the plans for the eggs I’m donating…’
‘I’m sorry.’ Reuben sighed. ‘I couldn’t tell them, because I know it’s not what they want, and I needed to be sure you meant it before I said anything.’
‘What makes you think I didn’t mean it?’ She kept her tone light. There was no accusation, she genuinely wanted to know what had given it away to him, before she’d fully realised it herself.
‘Because I don’t think anything you’ve done since your diagnosis has just been for you. I might not have known you for long, but from what I’ve seen, I’ve got a feeling that’s been the case for most of your life. You became a nurse to repay the care you saw your father given. You stayed in Cornwall to make sure your grandparents didn’t feel abandoned after he died, and you stepped up as an egg donor because you knew how badly Aidan and Jase wanted to be parents. You wouldn’t have chosen to walk away from that, unless you thought you were doing it for their benefit.’
‘I’d only just started to work that out myself the night you came round to the flat.’ Isla had really believed she’d hidden her motives well, and the accuracy of Reuben’s interpretation made it hard to catch her breath. This man, who she’d only known for a handful of weeks, seemed to know her better than she knew herself. It was scary and exciting, and she had no idea whether she’d pushed him away one too many times, but she wanted to find out. And she was about to take another big risk. ‘Do you know why I asked you to leave that night, and said that all I could offer you was friendship?’
‘Because I’m a terrible kisser.’ He laughed, and she did too, because neither one of them could have had any insecurity about the kiss they’d shared. It had all the magic you read about in novels, or watched in movies, but knew never existed in real life. Except it did.
‘You’re not bad.’ She loved how easily she could laugh with Reuben, but suddenly it felt as though her heart was in her mouth. It was time to tell the truth, and just because she knew she needed to take the risk, it didn’t make it any less scary. ‘I pushed you away because I was afraid. I was frightened that, if I let you get close enough, you’d hurt me. Or I’d hurt you, because something or someone would come between us, even if we didn’t want it to. And there are so many things we’re powerless to control.’
‘You do know that no one can ever start a relationship without that risk, don’t you?’ His tone was gentle.
‘It took me a long time to realise that, but I’ve decided I want to be a risk taker from now on.’
‘That might be the best news I’ve ever heard.’ Reuben laughed again and it gave her the courage to ask another question.
‘I was wondering if you might be willing to take a risk with me?’
‘What were you thinking, sky-diving, or bungee jumping?’ The familiar teasing tone was back in his voice now, and she couldn’t stop smiling.
‘I know you won the sundae-eating contest, but I was thinking maybe dinner and a movie to start with? Only not just as friends this time.’
‘That sounds perfect. When?’
Isla had wasted too much time already and she’d be going away soon, so she didn’t want to wait. ‘Are you free later?’
Luckily it seemed Reuben was just as keen. ‘I’ll close up the shop and come around now if you want me to.’
‘There’s something I need to do this afternoon, but I’ll be done by the time you close up and then I’m all yours.’ A day or so before, she wouldn’t have believed she could ever be as upfront with Reuben as she was being now. But this was the start of the new Isla, and she owed it to patients like Sarah, Stuart and Mark, to go after what she wanted.
Aidan hadn’t been expecting a message from Isla asking to meet. He’d been checking up on her regularly since the barbecue, but he deliberately hadn’t mentioned the egg donation. Even asking the question made it feel like he was putting pressure on her. It was hell, worrying about what she might be going through, and having no idea where it left his and Jase’s hopes of becoming parents. She was his friend, and he wanted to support her, but any doubts he’d had about becoming a dad had disappeared when he’d realised their plans were unravelling. He and Jase had even begun to look at other options for egg donation, and they’d been planning to call the clinic after the weekend, to see how they might be able to proceed. He had no idea what Isla was going to say to him, and the strangest part was he didn’t even know what he wanted it to be.
‘I got you a latte, I hope that’s okay.’ Isla was already sitting at a table in The Cookie Jar café when he arrived. When she’d suggested they meet there, he couldn’t help wondering if she knew he’d sat at the very same table during the infertility support group, questioning which route to parenthood would be best for him and Jase, scared that none of them might lead where he wanted them to go. It had felt like they’d got so close for a while, but now he was right back in that place again, not sure whether he and Jase would ever get the family they longed for.
‘Thank you, that’s perfect.’ He glanced at Isla; she looked well and, whatever it was she wanted to say, that gave him a reason to smile as he sat opposite her. ‘How are you? You’re looking really good.’
‘I am good, but I don’t want to sit here making polite small talk when there’s something far more important that needs to be said.’ Isla’s eyes were fixed on his. ‘Do you and Jase still want me to donate my eggs? I heard you talking to Tash about having doubts, and the day we lost that patient in The Sycamore Centre, you said sometimes you have to do what feels right, even if that means going back on something you’ve agreed.’
Her words had come out in a rush, and had completely caught Aidan off guard. He didn’t know what any of this meant, and he still couldn’t read her expression. All he could do was answer her honestly. ‘I did say that, because I wanted you to know that it’s okay to change your mind. But the doubts I was having when I spoke to Tash weren’t about me and Jase going through with it, although I’ve got to admit I had some wobbles. But I was more worried about you delaying the start of the inhibitors. I felt better about it when you said you wanted to freeze eggs for yourself too, but then you started talking about this being your only hope of having a baby and it scared me how much you were fixating on it, and how you might feel if it all went wrong. But none of those things were why we were having doubts.’
‘Why were you then?’
‘Because using any of the eggs you donate makes it feel as if we’re shortening your odds of having your own baby later on. The more eggs you’ve got, the more chances you’ll have.’ Aidan knew it was the right thing to do, but it still hurt to let go of the dream. The reason that Isla being their donor had felt so right from the outset was because they knew her. They also knew she’d allow their child to be a part of her life, but that she’d never overstep the mark. She understood what it was like to be a child born as the result of a gift like that, and that not everyone in that position wanted the same thing. There was no guarantee they’d get that from another donor, and it was hard to walk away from the dream they’d built around the woman sitting opposite him.
‘I’ll have plenty of chances.’ Isla set down her cup and took hold of one of his hands. ‘I freaked out when I got the diagnosis, convincing myself that my life was going to mirror my dad’s. I panicked, and I didn’t hear what the doctors were saying about living with CML, rather than dying from it. All I fixated on, was that it probably won’t be cured. But the odds are that I’ll have a normal life span, and be able to do all the things I want to do, as long as I don’t let the leukaemia define who I am. But I need to know if you think that’s true, that you believe the inhibitor meds are going to do their thing, and that I’m going to be okay.’
‘Of course I do.’ Aidan wasn’t just saying it to make her feel better. He’d known about CML from his training, but he’d done countless hours of research since Isla’s diagnosis, and he’d been incredibly relieved to read just how manageable her condition was likely to be.
‘Well prove it then.’ Isla raised her eyebrows.
‘How?’
‘By letting me donate all of the eggs from this collection to you and Jase. I’ve had my scan and I’ve got three follicles that have got to eighteen millimetres. The drugs have worked as well as we could possibly have hoped, and the results suggest I’m at the ideal stage for the trigger shot and egg collection. I just need to know whether those eggs have still got a home to go to.’ Isla put her hand over his. ‘Because if you think I need to freeze them all for myself, it tells me you don’t really think I’m going to have every chance of doing this all the old-fashioned way, one day.’
‘I think you’re going to be able to do whatever the hell you put your mind to. I don’t know what’s happened since I last saw you, but whatever it is I like it.’ Aidan laughed, barely able to believe that their plans might be back on track, but he knew how much he wanted them to be, and it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
‘So, is that a yes?’
‘Too bloody right it is.’ Aidan got to his feet and scooped her into his arms, wishing he could find a way to explain just how much her gift really meant to him and Jase. But they’d just have to prove that to her if they were lucky enough to have a child. And he suddenly believed that was going to happen too. Right now, almost anything seemed possible.