Chapter Seven
“How was it I knew I would find you gazing forlornly out of a window?”
Despite Edward’s tone of light censure, Caroline did not change her posture nor her gaze. “I have had a great deal on my mind of late.”
“A great deal more than was necessary, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t ask you,” she pointed out.
He sat beside her on the window seat. “You have been playing least in sight this past week. Your absence has set Mother into hysterics and Father into hermitry in his library. Poor Tom has spent every waking hour of the past few weeks consoling a nearly frantic George. That leaves only me to run you to ground and say what needs to be said.”
She refused to meet his gaze. “Do not scold me, Edward. I am facing the entirety of my future. I have every right to be very careful about how I proceed.”
“I never said you did not. I only feel you ought to proceed with a perspective other than your own.” Edward leaned back against the window, apparently settling in for a long and drawn-out discussion.
“Do not give me that perturbed look so soon, Caroline. I am an older brother, and I mean to fill that role quite thoroughly just now.”
“I suppose your thoughts couldn’t hurt.”
“Your confidence is overwhelming.” He used the dry tone that never failed to bring a smile to her face.
“Allow me to explain what I have observed over the years. You have always known that your marriage would be an arranged one, undertaken with the purpose of saving the family from financial ruin. Realizing this, you found it best not to ever allow yourself to fall even the tiniest bit in love with anyone. Losing your heart, even an inch of it, to any young gentleman would only end with heartache, and you wisely guarded yourself against that.”
She silently nodded. She had been very careful with her affections and for the very reasons he’d stated. Courting heartbreak had never seemed a wise course of action.
“But, Caro, the mind and heart do not often discuss things as they ought. I realized a number of years ago that the walls you had painstakingly built around yourself had proven insufficient against the depth and sincerity of George’s regard.”
She pressed her cheek to the cool glass. “He told me he loves me.”
“He does. He has for at least five years now, quite possibly longer.”
“Can you not see how terrible that will make everything? He will expect me to love him in return, and I have never thought of him that way. He is my friend, my kind companion. What if I am unable to love him the way he wishes? He will be miserable, and I will be miserable in return.”
Edward tipped his head back, tossing his gaze at the ceiling. “You are being so uncharacteristically thick about this.”
Why was he scolding her?
“I remember your first assembly,” he said, “and the absolute relief on your face when you were told that I would stand up with you for the first set. You were grateful to not be required to undertake that harrowing moment with a complete stranger.” He looked at her once more.
“But when you were told that George would be taking my place, it was not relief that I saw on your face, Caroline. Your very heart was in your eyes. I knew then that you loved him, but I didn’t realize that you didn’t know that you did. ”
“But I don’t. He is my friend. He is only my friend.” Why was it that the declaration brought a thickness to her throat and tears to her eyes?
“You have only ever allowed yourself to think of him in those terms. That is your sense of self-preservation. But, Caroline, you are no longer saving yourself from hurt, you are causing it.” He pulled her into a one-armed, very brotherly embrace.
“You have been told all of your life that loving someone was a risk you dare not take. Sweet, little Caroline, you need to take that risk now. You have the opportunity to marry for love. Do you have any idea how rare that is?”
She leaned more heavily against him. “Surely you intend to marry for love.”
“Though our estate is now solvent, I have no expectations of ever having a true income. Tom is in an even worse position than I. He and I both know we will likely never marry. We’ve known it as long as you have known the state of your future.
We have nothing to offer a lady, nothing to truly recommend us.
Please do not throw away your opportunity because you are afraid. ”
“I am not at all certain I am brave enough for this.”
He squeezed her shoulders. “You needn’t be afraid of George. He would move heaven and earth for you if he was able. Tell him of your worries and your fears, and he will hear you and love you and do all he can to walk this path with you. But you cannot begin that journey without this first step.”
“I always did say you were the wisest of my brothers.”
He simply nodded.
She took a deep, fortifying breath. “Is George terribly upset with me?”
“He is worried about you. Go put the poor man—and the rest of us along with him—out of our collective misery.” He set her away from him, but held her gaze. “And be happy, Caroline. Promise me you will be happy.”
“Will you be?”
His usual smile returned. “When have you ever known me not to be?”
The bravado fell a bit flat, however. She’d heard very real sadness in his voice as he’d admitted to his terribly slim chances of finding his own domestic happiness. She kissed his cheek, as she’d done with him and father and Tom ever since she was a little girl.
“You are the very best of brothers.” She prayed he could hear and see her sincerity.
“I know. Now go find poor George. He needs your reassurance far more than I do.”
She took a moment to give her brother another hug. He shooed her off with a feigned show of annoyance.
Caroline searched the library, the gardens, the sitting room.
She even peeked about the stables and orchard.
She could find no sign of George. Where could he have gone off to?
Just when she had managed to convince herself that he was off grouse shooting with Tom, she found her brother in the billiards room, alone.
“Have you seen George?” she asked.
Tom lined up a shot. “He left this morning for Shropshire to fetch his mother and bring her back for the ball.”
“He is gone?” She had not anticipated that. “But, why did he not bid us farewell?”
“He did. But you were moping in your room and he didn’t wish to impose.”
“I was not—” Actually, she had been moping a little. And, it seemed, she had pushed him away in the process. “How long do you suspect he will be gone?”
Tom sent balls flying with a thrust of his cue. “Couldn’t say. He’ll be back for the ball, I suspect.”
“Did he seem terribly upset when he left?”
“I don’t know.” Tom never had been as helpful as Edward. “He’s never in good spirits when faced with his mother. She’s a bit of a harridan, you know.”
“I know.” Everyone knew, in fact. “But he is returning for the ball, is he not?”
“I’d wager he is.” Tom didn’t look up from his game. Indeed, he had hardly acknowledged her throughout their conversation.
“Are you upset with me?”
“Everyone is upset with you, Caroline. You are making George miserable, and none of us likes it.” He took another shot.
As the balls rolled to their new destinations, he looked at her at last. “But George made us solemnly vow to be patient with you or else he’d pummel the lot of us when he returned. We, being intelligent, believe him.”
How very like George. And how very like her to have never seen more in his fiery defense of her than staid friendship.
“Odd that the first smile I’ve seen from you in ages comes upon hearing that your brothers’ well-being has been threatened.” Despite his protest, Tom sounded amused.
“I was only thinking how often George has been my champion.”
“The poor bloke loves you, for all the good it’s doing him.” Tom set his billiard cue in the rack on the wall. “You’re torturing him, you know.”
“That has very recently been brought to my attention.” She did mean to try harder to sort out her very jumbled feelings. But she’d meant to do so with George there. He would have listened, and understood. He would have held her hand as she struggled.
Good, kind George. Lovely, wonderful George.
Her George.