Chapter 11 Leo
LEO
Ifelt like a fool.
A failure.
An idiot.
Being human again was a complete shock to my system.
It had come out of nowhere because I wasn’t even aware that I could be human.
But I could, and ever since, I’d been so blinded by all the wonderful sensations that came from having thumbs, furless skin, and human tastebuds again that no negative thoughts could really reach me.
I was almost a child again, seeing the world in brand new wonder.
Reading the books I’d found in Ven’s home had done something to my mind. I was now more Leo than ever, but that just made me much more acutely aware of everything I had lost.
I’d had family. People I loved. Responsibilities. Important ones. Where were my people, and why wasn’t I protecting them? I was pretty sure I had been cursed, yet I had no memory of being cursed or even who would want to do that to me. So, why did I believe that?
It was a growing tumult in my head. As I stood in front of the shower in Ven’s bathroom, I realized my brain was still little more than wolfy sludge. I was missing entire chunks of what it meant to be a man.
What if I never got it back?
That sounded like pure torture. I didn’t want to live some sort of half-life where I wasn’t quite man and not quite a wolf, either. As I stood in the bathroom, though, staring at the shower, knowing it was an important room and an equally important task, part of me just didn’t want to comply.
In fact, that part of me was outright refusing. It was as if my mind was balking at processing any more of my humanity and wanted to force me to fall back into the simplicity of the wolf.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
Ven’s voice called me back to reality, and despite the furor whirling inside me, I followed it.
Her tone was gentle, with no derision or condescension.
She didn’t judge me for panicking. My hands, although almost foreign to me, were deadly weapons that could rip and tear, but she held them gingerly, as if I were something precious, something valuable.
Her touch was a lighthouse in the dark, beckoning me to safety.
But there was something more to it. An electric current that made me want to lean in, wrap myself up in her, and know everything about her—her soul, her past, that gorgeous body of hers.
She was kindness just as much as desire, appealing to the wild and the man in me.
Even if I still couldn’t really remember who that man was.
“Here, just step into the tub for now. That’s all you have to do. It’ll be so easy, I promise.”
Step into the tub. Right, I could do that. The faintest memories of battles played out in my head, all much more fraught than just standing in a white, oblong bowl. I’d been through worse and most likely would go through worse again.
So, with my hand in hers, I stepped into the tub.
“There you are. That’s not so bad, huh?”
I nodded, humiliation burning through me, but at the same time, Ven’s presence calmed me. When she beamed at me, I was truly proud of myself. Like I really had done something worth celebrating.
“Are you wearing underwear?” she asked out of nowhere, and I realized that I had been staring at her, once again.
“Underwear?” I frowned, though the term sounded familiar.
I felt like I’d answered wrong because she took a deep breath, and her smile faded. “Are you okay with being nude in front of me? For the shower?”
Nude? Wait, I did know that one. Without clothing. I shrugged. What did clothing or nudity matter? I was the same in or out of clothes.
“I don’t care.”
“Okay, then, why don’t we get you out of that shirt first? Or at least what’s left of it, and then your shorts. But if you’re uncomfortable at any moment, you tell me, okay?”
“Of course.”
I could hardly imagine being uncomfortable in Ven’s presence. She was like a dampener to all things awful, a soothing poultice like the ones she’d put on my side when I’d been so injured. I was stressed. I was upset. I was mourning. But she made it so much more manageable.
“Okay, then, here we go.”
It turned out to be not that much work to get the tattered fabric off me. Once Ven reached out to the long strings connecting the largest chunks of it, it basically crumbled at her touch, falling into the tub.
“I would say we should burn that, but I’m not sure there are any pathogens in it,” she said with a slight laugh. I didn’t get the joke, but I was happier that she was smiling. “Now, these shorts are a little more substantial. Do you think you can just slide them down your legs?”
I could do that, and I did. It seemed that even some things could still be simple even as a human.
But what was interesting was how Ven’s eyes were sort of sliding around me, not particularly looking at me, almost as if she were trying to avoid actually seeing me. Her face was growing redder by the second. And was I hearing her heartbeat picking up?
That was puzzling, but I didn’t have much time to think about it, because then she was reaching behind me.
“I’m going to turn the showerhead on and point it to your feet. It’s going to be a bit nippy at first, but it’ll warm up pretty fast. Tell me if it gets too warm though, all right?”
Water at my feet?
An image of the metal basin in her kitchen downstairs came to my mind. Specifically how she’d turned a knob that had water pouring out. Was this going to be like that? I didn’t know if I would like that.
“Are you ready?”
Ven’s earthen eyes met mine, a soft smile around those plush lips of hers, and I felt myself relax ever so slightly. “Yes,” I said, even though I was very much not ready.
When she reached behind me again, I could have sworn there was a creature rumbling from within the walls. I jolted, but Ven’s soft hand on my shoulder stilled me.
“It’s okay, I’m right here. I promise.”
She was. She was right next to me. Ven had saved me from the two bears who had attacked me and risked her life to treat me.
She let me stay protected in her clear house and then, when I transformed out of nowhere, she fed me and gave me a place to lay my confused head.
She was kind, and she was brave; she wouldn’t let any harm come to me.
But why had I transformed? What had broken my curse when its hold had been so tight around me that I couldn’t so much as recall my own name?
I didn’t know, and the answer didn’t come before freezing cold water suddenly sprayed at my feet. I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would. Was it pleasant? No. But it reminded me of times I spent standing in icy rivers, hunting for fish.
“There you go. You’re doing great.”
Ven’s voice continued to guide me through any dark thoughts, panic, or animal instincts that came over me. Just like she said, the water did grow warmer. Then warmer. Until it was finally hot.
And it felt incredible.
I couldn’t believe the sensation of it as it licked across my feet and toes, the water turning black before disappearing down the drain. I wanted to melt into it, to soak myself from head to toe. Suddenly, I was no longer dreading whatever was happening in the tub, but wanting more.
“There we go. I’m going to hand you the showerhead now. I want you to get your whole body wet, especially your hair, okay? And if you want to just stand under it for a bit, you can turn around and put it in the holder just above your head. I’m going to sit over here, but I won’t leave.”
I nodded, taking the showerhead from her. She was still only half-looking at me, but I didn’t mind.
Once I had a solid grip on the thing, I slowly moved it up my legs, then my middle, then my chest, and finally over my head.
And, oh, if that wasn’t an experience and a half.
Rivulets of hot water poured down me, taking dirt and grit with it.
It was like my skin was renewing itself in real time, shucking off bits of the wolf that were still clinging to me, allowing me to be Leo.
Steam filled the room, almost like the same steam that had yanked me from the animal prison I’d been locked in. But this was much more welcome, and it enveloped me with a warmth and comfort that made the water seem that much headier.
Belatedly, I remembered what Ven said about the holder, and turned around to hang the showerhead into it so I could stand and become boneless under the jet of hot water. I felt my muscles unknitting themselves bit by bit—I hadn’t realized there was that much tension in my frame.
I couldn’t say how long it was before Ven spoke again, but when she did, her voice was right beside me.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?”
I nodded, not quite able to answer. I felt like I was reconnecting to the humanity that had been ripped from me, and I was afraid that looking at Ven would be even more visceral than it had been before.
God, I really owed her everything, didn’t I? I swore on all the ancestors I couldn’t remember that I would make sure no harm ever befell her or her cats ever again.
“Now that you’re nice and wet, let’s introduce soap, okay?
Soap?
Ven reached in front of me and picked up strange ball of bright-blue netting and a bottle.
Once she popped open the lid, the smell of lavender, jasmine, and something else I couldn’t quite name filled the heated air.
It was intoxicating, and all of my senses were fully enveloped by Ven and her shower.
“So, this is a loofah. You put some of the bodywash in this, then lather it all up like so.” She did a little demonstration as she spoke, which didn’t seem so complicated, but it made the smell that much more pungent.
“I’ll go ahead and scrub your back, if that’s okay, then you handle the front?
Unless you want to try doing it all on your own? ”
“No,” I said quickly, eyes still closed. I wanted her close to me. I wanted her to keep on filling my senses. “Not on my own.”
“Okay. I’m going to press it to your back now.”
“All right.”