Chapter 22
Later that night, Darcy listened to Richard’s deep breathing from the bunk above.
If only he could sleep as restfully. Their accommodations were a far cry from the spacious captain’s cabin they had enjoyed aboard the Meridian.
The bunks were far too short, and the room was cramped.
But if Elizabeth and her father did not complain about the lack of comfort, neither would he.
Trying not to wake his cousin, Darcy vacated their quarters and climbed the narrow stairs to the upper deck.
The ship’s gentle motion had become as familiar to him as breathing, yet tonight he was exceedingly aware of every sensation.
The salt spray misted his skin, the cool night air cut through his shirt, and the deck pulsed beneath his feet with each wave.
“Brooding again, Cousin?”
Darcy turned to find Richard approaching. He should have known the colonel would wake at the first stirring of air in their quarters.
“The moon is waxing gibbous,” Richard peered at the sky.
“There are three or four days until the full moon?” His cousin nodded, and Darcy added, “The night is too beautiful for brooding.”
“It is.” Richard settled beside him, his gaze following Darcy’s toward the horizon. “Though I suspect your reflections have less to do with Mediterranean scenery and more to do with a certain young lady’s willingness to hold your hand during sunset.”
Darcy noted the wind coming from behind him so that he could speak without the sound carrying back to the crew on night watch. “She said my affections were not merely tolerated.”
“Ah.” Richard’s voice grew gentler. “That would explain the stunned joy you have been wearing for the past three hours.”
They stood in comfortable silence for several minutes, the play of moonlight dancing on the water.
Eventually, Richard spoke again, his tone carefully casual.
“Speaking of courtships and transformations, you seem to be managing your romantic inclinations with admirable confidence these days. Quite different from your previous hesitation.”
Darcy turned to study his cousin’s profile, noting that Richard’s fingers were drumming against the rail in an uncharacteristic display of nervous energy. “Are you seeking advice about matters of the heart?”
“I am merely making conversation,” his cousin replied too quickly.
“And this sudden interest in romantic confidence has nothing whatsoever to do with a certain well-traveled widow?”
“Mrs. Bell is a valuable source of intelligence for my mission.”
“Naturally.” Darcy allowed gentle mockery to enter his voice. “Just as I am sure your tendency to seek her company whenever possible stems from military necessity.”
“I do not seek her company.” The protest was not convincing.
“No? Then could it be that she seeks yours?” Darcy studied his cousin. “I have observed her looking for you when you are not immediately visible. She smiles differently when you approach than when others do. Her entire demeanor becomes more, I would say…animated in your presence.”
Richard’s breathing grew uneven. “You are imagining things.”
“Am I? Tell me, Cousin, when was the last time you spent an entire day without finding some excuse to speak with Mrs. Bell?”
The question hung in the night air between them. Richard’s fingers clenched and unclenched against the rail, and Darcy could see him struggling with internal barriers that looked remarkably familiar.
“She is…impressive,” Richard admitted.
“In what way?”
“In every way.” The words seemed to escape against his will. “Her intelligence, her courage, her practical wisdom, her character, her… Well, I could go on and on. She sees situations, asking the right questions before offering insights that would not occur to men with twice her formal education.”
Darcy waited, recognizing the signs of a man wrestling with feelings he wanted to suppress.
“She told me about her background,” Richard continued.
“Her father was a gentleman, though an impoverished one. She was brought up as a lady, but circumstances limited her prospects. When she married Captain Bell, it was not a love match at first. They had known each other since childhood. Although he was almost a decade older than she, both families expected the union.”
“It became more than a duty?”
“She told me she grew to love him, though the constant fear of loss nearly destroyed her. Navy wives live with the knowledge that each goodbye might be permanent.” Richard’s voice caught.
“When he died at Trafalgar, she was devastated. Unlike many women who retreat into grief, however, she honors his memory by living the life they had planned together.”
“Hence her acceptance of Mr. Gardiner and Captain Morrison’s offer.”
“Yes. There was no income beyond whatever her own efforts could provide. Yet she speaks of these years, not as a hardship, but as an education. She found joy in unexpected places.” Richard’s tone held a note of wonder.
“She has made a life for herself that she enjoys both for its blessings and for the proof of her own strength.”
“It is evident that you admire her achievements.”
Richard’s hands stilled. “I admire everything about her. She has seen more of the world than most men, survived more challenges than most soldiers, and yet she remains generous and kind. And―” He stopped himself, as if realizing how much he was revealing.
“And you are frightened by the depth of your feelings for her,” Darcy said.
Richard’s head snapped toward him. “How do you know?”
“I recognize the symptoms. You watch her when you think no one is observing. You light up when you speak her name. You find excuses to be near her while simultaneously maintaining a careful distance.” Darcy spoke with confidence.
“These are the same things I experienced. Realizing that I cared so deeply for someone that her opinion of me had become more important than my own comfort―it was terrifying.”
“I am a soldier,” Richard said roughly. “I am trained to face danger without flinching. But the notion of revealing my interest to her and seeing pity or polite rejection …” He shuddered visibly.
“What if, instead, you saw acceptance?”
“Then I would have to decide whether I can offer her the kind of life she deserves.” A heavy weight seemed to settle on Richard’s shoulders.
“She has built an independent existence for herself with freedom to travel and make her own choices. She can come and go as she pleases. What do I offer that compares to such liberty?”
Darcy put careful thought into his answer. “Maybe you should not be asking what you can offer her but what the two of you might build together. Mrs. Bell has created happiness for herself despite challenging circumstances. Do you not think she would embrace affection if it were offered?”
“Perhaps.”
“She could be looking for someone whose company enhances her happiness instead of constraining it. A man who offers partnership over protection, respect over rescue.”
“You seem to have given this much thought.”
Darcy shook his head. “In truth, I am learning as I go. Having said that, I can add that this is the same difference I sense between my relationship with Elizabeth and my familial relationship with Georgiana. With my sister, it is all about protection. With Elizabeth, it is so much more. I yearn for her to have a full share in every part of my life. With her, I would be complete.”
Richard absorbed this advice. “When did you become so wise about affairs of the heart?”
“I could have lost the woman I love because of my own pride and fear. I have learned that revealing our feelings is not nearly as risky as allowing fear to prevent us from finding happiness that might otherwise be possible.”
“You and Miss Bennet…what do you think is possible now?”
Darcy’s heart filled with quiet joy. “Everything, I hope. Marriage, a lifetime of shared discovery and mutual understanding.” He paused. “What do you hope might be possible with Mrs. Bell?”
Richard swallowed hard. “I suspect that it will be the same, though I hardly dare admit it.”
“Are you brave enough to discover if she shares your dreams, Cousin?”
“I might be. However, you have known your lady for over six months, while I have only now started to know Mrs. Bell. I am too old and experienced for a mere holiday or shipboard romance. I imagine she might feel the same. I will consider your advice, Darcy.”
As if summoned by their conversation, the soft sound of footsteps on the deck announced another late-night wanderer. Mrs. Bell appeared from the direction of the galley, a light shawl wrapped around her shoulders, and her hair looser than its usual careful arrangement.
“Gentlemen,” she said with surprise, pausing when she spotted them at the bow. “I did not expect to encounter anyone other than the watch at this hour.”
“I could not sleep,” Darcy replied diplomatically, noting how Richard straightened unconsciously at her approach. “The night is too beautiful to waste in cramped quarters.”
Mrs. Bell moved to join them, positioning herself between the two men. “I often find the night peaceful. The sea under moonlight makes one feel connected to all the travelers who have crossed these waters throughout history.”
“Beautifully expressed.” Richard smiled.
Mrs. Bell turned toward him, an answering smile on her lips. “Why, thank you. Though I fear my romantic notions must seem silly to a practical military man.”
“On the contrary,” Richard replied, his gaze never leaving her. “Your perspective is insightful. You see poetry where others merely see navigation.”
The moment stretched between them, charged with unspoken meaning, and Darcy recognized the cue to withdraw. “I believe I shall attempt to sleep after all.” He stepped back from the rail. “Good evening, Mrs. Bell. Richard.”
As he began to make his way to their quarters, Darcy caught the sound of Mrs. Bell’s muffled laughter mingling with Richard’s deeper tone. But before he could leave the deck, his cousin suddenly rushed toward him.
“Darcy, you must wake Mr. Bennet and Miss Bennet. A school of dolphins is frolicking in the wake of the ship. The others will not want to miss the sight.”
Grateful to have a reason to see Elizabeth before morning, Darcy rapped on their door.
Soon she and her father had joined him by the rail and were exclaiming in wonder over the dolphins’ antics.
The sound of her merry delight filled him with a warmth he made no effort to examine.
Darcy was certain that, once he settled in his bunk and closed his eyes, he would dream of her.