A Return to Normalcy
Chapter thirty-one
Jake
My garden has become my second home. I’m not consciously avoiding everyone, but I need space to process everything that happened to me, and to Seth.
I may be avoiding him a little. I hate seeing that bright green cast on his hand, the lingering fear in his eyes when there are loud sounds or sudden movements.
The guilt is eating me alive. I know he doesn’t blame me, but I blame myself.
Andrei was my problem, and because of me he’s affected everyone at this hotel.
I relish the feeling of dirt under my nails as I dig holes for my plants in the front flower beds.
What I should have been doing when I was kidnapped.
I’ve changed my mind on the layout a few times, but I think I’ve found the one I like.
Tall evergreens in the back, roses in the front.
I have a witch hazel plant that’ll go closer to the front door.
I’m debating putting in boxwood as well.
I don’t know. If I hate it, I’ll start again.
I never thought gardening would be something I could enjoy, but it's freeing, in body and soul. There’s something about feeling this dirt under my fingernails that makes me feel alive again.
I want to peel off my shirt and feel the warm sun on my shoulders, but I don’t.
The wounds Andrei left on me have healed, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
It doesn’t feel safe. Looking at my chest, you’d never know that Andrei cut me up just a few days ago.
It’s like it never happened, but it’s all I can think about.
Which is why I’m currently trying to drown myself in my work, the only thing I can do that’s worth a damn.
My pity party is interrupted by a body dropping onto the ground next to me with a thud. I sit back on my knees and push my hair out of my eyes to see Seth looking at me with concern.
“Hey, Seth. I’m kind of busy right now, trying to get all this stuff planted,” I say and gesture at the plants, hoping he’ll leave me alone. God, I’m such a piece of shit. But Seth doesn’t leave, just puts his broken hand in his lap and chews on his lip ring.
“Sorry man, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just, uh, wanted to see if you were okay?
” He holds up his cast. “I’m not.” He blows out a breath and continues.
“Brandon’s been really good to me, you know?
I’ve been having nightmares, and he’s helped me through them.
I just wanted you to know that what happened wasn’t your fault.
You look like you’re beating yourself up out here.
” He bites his lip again, nervous about what my reaction might be.
I sit back and pull my knees up in front of me, resting my arms on them.
“It is my fault, Seth. I brought all my shit here, and everyone has been hurt because of it. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I really am.
I wish he would have come after me directly, saved you from that pain. I deserve it, you don’t.”
He looks at me, considering my words before pulling a blunt out of one of his robe pockets. “Do you mind if I light up?” he asks.
“No, go for it.” He puts it between his lips and uses his free hand to try to light it. After a few failed attempts, I gently take the lighter from him and light the blunt. He inhales and holds the smoke for a second before blowing it out slowly.
“Thanks, man.”
“No, problem.”
“It helps my anxiety. Always has.” He offers it to me and for once, I take it. What the hell. We sit for a while passing the blunt before he breaks the silence again.
“Well, we can blame ourselves all day long, but I don’t blame you for any of it. You didn’t deserve it either.”
I wish I could believe it. “What is it that draws people like Andrei to me? That makes people think they can touch me, take from me, without any consideration for what I want? Am I that fucking weak that people can just sense it? Is that a thing, like an aura? Am I just cursed? Is this place cursed?”
Seth takes another drag as he considers my question.
“This land is special. It’s a gift. It only amplifies our natural energies, that’s why people like me are drawn here.
That’s why you and Alex manifested as ghosts here.
You have a wounded aura about you right now.
It’s not your fault, but people can sense those things, whether they realize it or not, and it influences how they treat you.
It’s not about what you’ve done, or about weakness on your part.
You are definitely not weak, bro, I can tell you that much. ”
“I guess that makes sense.” I chew on my lip as I consider his words. I spot Alex coming out of the house. Seeing us sitting in the grass smoking, he wanders over to join us.
“Hi baby, are you smoking pot?!” He gives a dramatic gasp. “You look sexy when you smoke, that’s so unfair. Hi, Seth. Are you feeling okay today?”
“I’m doing okay,” he replies. Alex nods and sits down on the grass with us. I offer him the blunt.
“Oh no, my first time didn’t go so great. But thanks, maybe another time.” I shrug and take another puff before passing it back to Seth.
“I’m trying to convince Jake that he’s not responsible for what happened to us,” Seth explains. I just shake my head and look down at my arms.
Alex rests a hand on my arm. “He’s right, you know. Andrei chose to do those things. He could have fucked off and left everyone alone, but he chose violence, babe. That’s not on you.”
“Okay,” I say flatly, not wanting to argue with him. I don’t want to think about this.
“Do you blame me for my death? Did I deserve it or ask for it?” he asks.
“Never,” I breathe. “Never.”
He shrugs. “It’s the same thing.” He pushes my legs flat so he can crawl in my lap. I recline back on one hand, resting the other on his hip.
Seth stands, blunt burning between his fingers. “I’m gonna go find Brandon. I know he wanted to talk through some revisions for his book. I’m gonna, uh, go do that.”
Not taking his eyes off me, Alex responds. “Great idea. See you later.” Seth gives a little wave as he wanders off to find Brandon.
“He tells the truth, you know. Seth is a good guy; he would never hold you responsible for what happened to him. Brandon too.” Alex says. My hand flexes on his hip.
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m just having trouble convincing myself.” Alex wraps his arms around my neck and hugs me tightly.
“How’s the gardening coming along?” he asks. I appreciate his clunky attempt to change the subject.
“It’s good,” I tell him. “I’m getting close to being done with the front section here. The side garden is mostly done, so I think next I’m going to do more work out back. It’s still a bit overgrown. My father never cared about this place enough to do any of this.”
“It looks fantastic. You’re bringing this place to life, Jake. It’s beautiful.” I look around at all the colorful flowers I’ve planted, so vibrant and alive, but I only have eyes for Alex.
“Yeah, it is,” I say and kiss him gently. I pull away after a minute. “You’re too perfect to be real. You’re probably a figment of my imagination.”
He guffaws. “I am not perfect. I’ll let you in on a secret, one I vowed never to tell another soul, living or dead.
One day, maybe a year and a half ago, Kayla and I had a…
disagreement let’s say, about the monthly budget for cleaning supplies.
She thought I was using too much, but you absolutely cannot compromise on cleanliness, Jake!
You can’t. Anyway, that night after my shift, I peed on the front tire of her car in revenge. ”
My mouth falls open, and he sits there looking pleased with himself. “Not my proudest moment, but I have no regrets. She was out of line. Point being, I’m not perfect, but I do appreciate the sentiment.”
“You’re incorrigible,” I say and tickle his sides until he’s begging for mercy.
***
Later that night, I start to feel better as I cuddle with Alex.
The soft light of the evening is the only thing illuminating the room, and it feels peaceful.
Gaining Seth’s forgiveness has lifted a weight off my chest I didn’t realize was there.
I feel like I could float away without it. Maybe it’s the weed.
“I think Seth and Brandon are onto something with this pot stuff.”
He laughs. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Don’t get too used to it though, we don’t need three stoners around here.”
“Hmmmm,” I say into his hair. He wiggles a bit in my hold, trying to turn to face me.
“Can I be the big spoon again?” he asks.
“No, I want to hold you.” I squeeze him tighter, and he wraps a hand around my forearm. I continue to spoon him until he grinds his ass back against me.
“Stop moving, brat,” I say and swat his hip lightly.
“Do you want to play?” he asks as he continues to wiggle his ass.
“Less playing, more spooning,” I groan, which makes him laugh.
“Oh, you are blasted. Okay, you can have your way for now,” he concedes and relaxes in my hold.
***
We lay like that for a few hours, unmoving, until he gasps and wiggles out of my grip.
“What are you doing?” I groan.
“I almost forgot, I have something for you. I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.”
I have no plans to move. I stare at the ceiling until Alex returns, hands behind his back. I sit up and lean against the headboard, already suspicious of what he’s got planned.
“What are you doing?” I ask cautiously.
He gives me a look of pure innocence. “I don’t know what you mean. I have a present for you, close your eyes.”
I shake my head, grinning. “I don’t think so, brat. I know you too well for that.”
“Please,” he whines. “I want to show you what I got you.”
“If my eyes are closed, I won’t be able to see it,” I tease.
“Oh my god, Jake. Just for one second, no funny business, I promise.” He hits me with the puppy dog eyes, and I’m a goner. I sigh and close my eyes, trusting him. He crawls onto my lap, and I can feel his breath ghost over my face as he says, “Open your eyes.”
I obey. He’s holding up a slim, silver chain that has a tiny padlock charm on it. I can’t help but laugh as I take it from him. “What is this? A necklace?”
He nods. “You wouldn’t let me tattoo your ass, so this is the next best thing. I’m marking my territory,” he explains.
“With a padlock?” I ask. This would only make sense to Alex.
“Yep, I’ve got you locked down now.” He runs his hand through my hair. “No one else will get to do this,” he says as he runs a thumb over my lower lip. “Or this.” He kisses me gently. “All mine.”
I smile against his lips. “Thank you, I love it.”
“You don’t actually have to wear it if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to force anything on you, but I like the idea of seeing it and knowing you’re mine,” he explains as he rubs the back of his neck.
“I am yours. Put it on me, brat,” I command.
He takes the necklace and gently clasps it behind my neck, adjusting it so the tiny padlock lays just below my collar bone, between the buttons of my shirt I keep undone for him.
It’s not a choker or a collar, just a tiny, delicate reminder of what we both already feel.
“Thank you. This means a lot to me,” I tell him honestly.
He knows how much it means to me to feel wanted, and he always does everything in his power to remind me that I am, especially on the bad days.
The days I forget that I have a real family here now that cares about me.
A family I chose. Every time I forget that, this necklace will be a reminder.
“You’re welcome.” He sits back on my legs to study me, and his gaze heats as he runs it down my body. “You’re so hot. I think it’s the necklace, it’s doing something to me.”
I smirk and grab his hips. “Do you want to do something about it, brat?”
He nods, biting his lower lip. “I really do. Is it too soon, though?”
I shake my head. “No. I want you to touch me. I always want that.”
“Lie down then, so I can make you feel good.”
“You’ll have to get off me if you want me to move,” I tell him.
“Oh! Yeah, right.” He’s flustered as he crawls off of me, cheeks pink. I lay down on the bed and adjust the pillow behind my head, getting comfortable. Alex trails a finger down my stomach to my waistband. “Can you take off your shirt? I want to see that necklace while I claim you.”
I sit up just enough to pull off my shirt before lying back down. I toss it on the floor, not caring at the moment where it lands.
“Your turn,” I say, and his shirt is off before I even finish speaking. The jeans and boxers go next. I take a moment to appreciate his lithe body.
“You’re cute.”
“Just cute? Not a sex god? I’m a little offended. Do I need to punish you?” he asks. Knowing he’d never actually hurt me, I just smirk.
“I thought you were claiming me. Get to it, brat.”
He sits next to me and puts a hand on the waistband of my jeans, silently asking for permission to pull them off. He always asks, always. I’ve told him it’s not necessary, but the care he shows me in these small ways makes me feel safe under his hands. So I nod my permission.
He pulls my jeans off and tosses them before pausing. “Take my boxers off,” I tell him. He complies and then we’re both naked. He grabs my cock and gently strokes me. I toss my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, hands fisting the comforter at my sides.
He leans down and kisses a line from my collarbone to my chin, hand keeping a steady rhythm on me. “That feels amazing.”
“Yeah? Open your eyes, baby,” he says and I look him in the eyes. “I’m gonna suck you now, and you’re gonna watch.”
All I can do is nod as he crawls down my body and puts his mouth on me, not once looking away from my face. I run a hand through his hair, not to control him or force his movements, just a gentle caress. Before long I’m ready to burst. “Alex, I’m going to—”
I try to pull him off, but he sucks harder and swallows everything before sliding up my body to kiss me until we’re both panting.
“That was amazing,” I tell him and hold him to my chest. He wraps his arms around me and presses a kiss to my skin.
“I’ll do that whenever you want. You’re a perfect gentleman.”
We lay in silence for a bit as Alex absentmindedly runs a foot up and down my leg.
“I can’t, um, return the favor. Like that.”
He lifts his head, propping himself up on an elbow as he looks down at me. “I know. I don’t need you to. I just wanted to make you feel good, that’s all. I didn’t expect anything in return.”
“I’m sorry. I want to be able to give that to you, but—”
“It’s too soon. I understand, baby. Maybe one day you’ll feel safe enough to take that step, but if that doesn’t happen, just know that I won’t feel like anything is missing from what we do together.”
I just nod. “Can I cuddle you again?”
“Fuck yeah.”
He turns his back to me, and I pull him to my chest, as close as I can get him. He rests his head on my arm and gives a contented sigh.
“Thank you,” I whisper.