Seth Gets a Date #3
“Okay, we’ll start with you, Seth. Can you tell me a bit about what happened?” she asks, voice soft but steady. I can tell her presence is putting Seth at ease. He leans back on the couch and crosses his legs on the cushions.
“Well, recently Jake was kidnapped. I guess he told you that. The guy who did it, Andrei, he took me too. He, um, kept me tied up in a shed for a few days, asking me all these questions about ghosts and shit. Paranormal stuff. And about Jake and Alex. When I first saw him, I thought he was just a normal dude, you know? He was really chill at first, super friendly, but then he got weird. By the time I picked up on his vibe, it was too late. He, um, broke my fingers when I wouldn’t answer his questions the right way.
” Seth looks over at me, apology written all over his gaze.
“I tried not to say anything, but he… did things. And, um, I told him everything he wanted to know, and Jake got hurt.” He runs a hand through his messy hair.
“I feel so fucking guilty about that. He almost died because of me, you know? My other therapist says it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel like it is. ”
“Do you blame Seth for what happened to you?” she asks me.
“Never,” I say immediately. “Seth, it wasn’t your fault, I promise you that.
With or without you, he would have come for me eventually.
He was a psycho, and I’m just sorry you got hurt too.
I hate that you have to feel that pain because of the shit I brought into your life.
But I have never and will never blame you for any of it. ”
He watches me intently as I speak, and I silently beg him to believe what I’m saying. He nods. “I guess I just need to convince myself.”
“Are you taking any medications for anxiety or depression?” Lisa asks him.
“Nah, my granny doesn’t really believe in that stuff, she’s always been more into herbal medicines.
I, um, smoke weed with Brandon a lot. It helps my anxiety, especially now.
Please don’t tell the cops. Brandon and I spent the night in jail once, and it was not fun.
That’s actually how we met.” He gives a nervous laugh as he rubs the back of his neck, and Lisa smiles.
“Don’t worry, Seth, your secret is safe with me. As long as it’s helping you and not disrupting other areas of your life, I’d like you to continue doing what works best for you.”
He just nods and chews his lip ring, staring at his cast.
“I killed him,” Seth whispers. “Do you have to report that to the police? Technically, he was already dead, so…”
She looks at him in confusion for a minute before responding. “I’m not reporting anything to the police, Seth. Everything you tell me here stays between us.”
“I’ve never killed anyone before. I burned his bones. He was trying to hurt Jake and Alex, and I stopped him. But I still took a life. I don’t know how to reconcile that.”
She takes a deep breath. “Well, I can’t tell you how you should feel. But it sounds like you protected your friends, and yourself. Learning to live with that is a process, but at the end of the day you survived, didn’t you?”
Seth is quiet for the rest of our session, as I talk more about the night terrors that still get to me every once in a while, taking the shape of both my father and Andrei, like my brain can’t decide who the bigger monster is.
“It could be that your subconscious is manifesting them, trying to cope with the guilt you feel for whatever part you had to play in their deaths. Or maybe it just thinks you have some sort unresolved business with them that it’s trying to resolve,” Lisa says.
“The mind is a complicated thing, and it often doesn’t make sense to us. ”
“Maybe. I feel angry at them, for the way they treated me, for what they did to me. I hate them, and I hate that they’re gone and I still have to sit here and live with the consequences of their actions.”
“Then that’s what we’ll focus on.”
***
I walk Lisa to the door after our session, thanking her again before heading back into the living room. Seth is still sitting on the couch studying his hands. I sit back down next to him and put a hand over his, trying to give him comfort. We’re both wrung out, physically and emotionally.
“Did you like Lisa?” I ask.
“Yeah, she was really chill. Can I sit in next time you have a session? Or I guess, I can go solo. I don’t want to intrude. I know that shits private.”
“I’m fine with doing therapy with you. We have the same issues, same abuser. It’s not a secret. I think it helps talking through things with you, and I want to get it through your thick skull that you’re not to blame for anything.”
“Okay, cool. Thank you. I need a smoke. I have a date to get ready for.” We both stand and before he can leave, I pull him into a hug.
He wraps his arms around me in return, and I just hold him for a minute, feeling his steady heartbeat against my chest. Seth is a touchy-feely person, and I get the sense that he needs all the comfort he can get. I do, too.