Chapter 20 #2
Layla remained silent, watching River intently, absorbed in her story. As the memories rushed back to her, River couldn’t help but laugh bitterly, the sound ugly and sharp. Her mother had done so much harm, and yet River still missed her dearly now that she was gone.
“Me brother was the one who discovered the truth first,” she continued, “He found evidence that she had been tryin’ to harm the women and the bairns me faither sired.
There had been other attempts before that, other women harmed or threatened, but that was when he finally realized how far she was willin’ to go.
He confronted her and she...she stopped. For a time, at least."
Layla's face had gone pale, as if she already expected what was to come. River kept her gaze fixed on the fire, the memories too painful and too fresh for her to be able to meet Layla’s gaze.
“It didnae last, of course. We thought she had changed but she...she was only bidin’ her time,” River said, fidgeting with the edge of her sleeve just to have something to do with her hands. “Then she killed Arya’s and Colby’s maither.”
Layla closed her eyes briefly, swallowing audibly. She reached for River’s hand, and River let her hold it in her strong grasp.
“Och, me lady...”
“I look at Arya and Colby sometimes and I think about the fact that they have nae maither because of mine.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, but she pushed through, determined to get the full truth out.
“I became their guardian because there was nae one else.
And every time they smile at me, every time they trust me, I remember that they're orphans because of her.”
“But Arya and Colby adore ye,” Layla said. “I ken that, me lady, everyone does.”
“Aye,” said River. And she adored them too, more than she ever thought possible. But that didn’t change the fact that her bloodline was responsible for the end of theirs. “Do ye ken what the worst part is?”
The question came out as a whisper, the words too painful for River to speak out loud. They were like glass in her throat, tearing her flesh apart.
“I loved her,” she said. “She was me maither, and despite everything she did, despite all the horror she caused, part of me still loved her. What sort of person does that make me?”
“A daughter,” Layla said softly.
River laughed and shook her head. “Nay. It makes me a fool.”
“It does nae such thing.”
River's eyes burned with unshed tears, but she refused to let them go. She refused to be so weak once again, just as she had always been.
“Everythin’ I do...everythin’ is to atone for her sins,” River admitted. “How can I nae? If I had stopped her, if I had done somethin’ sooner—”
Layla's grip tightened.
“Me lady—“
“When Archer said he didnae want bairns...it hurt, but I understood.”
River had never admitted this before, not even to herself.
She had always told herself the relief came from the fact that she didn’t want to be a pawn to his games and she needed to make up for what her mother had done, but she had never allowed herself to think that perhaps Archer didn’t want to have children with her because he, too, thought she didn’t deserve them.
But now that fear, was threatening to consume her.
Layla frowned. “Ye understood?”
“How could I nae?” River asked quietly. “If I were him, I might have thought the same thing.”
Layla stared in silence, waiting for River to explain.
“Me maither hated innocent bairns because they reminded her of me faither’s betrayals.
She destroyed lives because she couldnae control her own bitterness.
Sometimes I think there must be somethin’ terribly wrong with me for sharin’ her blood.
If I became a maither, how could I ever ken I wouldnae become her? "
For a moment Layla looked genuinely stunned, as if River’s words were too surprising to comprehend.
Then, she said, “I need ye to listen to me very carefully. Yer maither spent her life hurtin’ people and never once felt guilty for it.
Ye spend yer life feeling guilty for things ye didnae do.
Ye didnae harm those women. Ye didnae murder Arya’s and Colby's mother. Yet ye’ve spent years carryin’ responsibility for crimes that were never yers. ”
River looked away, avoiding Layla’s gaze. That same old shame curled deep inside her gut, but Layla wasn’t finished yet.
“Ye love those bairns. Ye protect them, ye’ve given them a home. If ye had even a fraction of yer maither's cruelty in ye, those bairns would ken it by now."
The simple logic of it left River without an argument, though she wasn’t entirely convinced. She didn’t know how to get rid of all that shame, all that pain, how to forget everything her mother had done.
“And as for happiness...”
River laughed weakly. “What happiness?”
Layla gave her a look, as stern as it was amused. “The Laird looks at ye as if ye’ve hung the moon.”
Heat rushed to River’s cheeks, but she was quick to shake her head. How could that be true? Archer wanted nothing to do with her.
“Och, Layla—”
“Och, daenae look at me like that. I may nae ken what happened between the two of ye today, but I have eyes.”
Despite herself, River smiled, though it vanished quickly. It was too tempting to believe they could go back to how they were. It was too tempting to give into the fantasy that he could truly love her.
“Me lady, I think ye’ve spent so long convincin’ yerself ye daenae deserve happiness that ye’ve forgotten to ask whether it might be yers anyway.”
River lowered her gaze, not knowing how to respond.
She desperately wanted to believe Layla, to think she was right, but there was a resistance deep inside her, something that she couldn’t quite shed yet.
How could she believe she was worthy of anything?
How could she believe that there was a chance for her and Archer?
How could she believe that he could want her the way she wanted him?
After a long moment, Layla nudged her shoulder.
“Talk to him.”
River finally looked up. “About what?”
“Everything’. Men are many things, but mind readers are nae among them. If ye love yer husband, then stop sittin’ here inventin’ tragedies and tell him what is in yer heart.”
River hesitated. “Do ye truly think he might listen to me?”
“Of course,” said Layla, her hand squeezing her fingers in a gesture of sympathy. “He can say what he wants, but I’ve never seen a man look at a lass the way he looks at ye.”
River didn’t know what to think anymore. She didn’t know whether she should trust Archer’s words or Layla’s. She didn’t know if there was a bright end to this all.
All she knew was that if she didn’t tell Archer how she felt, she would regret it.