Chapter 12
The day was fresh and bright, although with it being the Highlands, there was the usual chill in the air.
It was something that Amanda had gotten used to a long time ago, though, and it wasn’t as though England had been much warmer.
She preferred the Highlands anyway; she much preferred to be a little colder but have the natural world on her doorstep than to be in a city with its grim colors surrounding her.
There was no breeze in the courtyard, so her hair remained flat and still against her back.
They walked slowly; there was nobody else around at this hour of the morning.
There were fluffy white clouds drifting idly by in the sky, while the air was sweet.
The courtyards were not filled with flowers or anything that provided great beauty to the world.
There was a grassy plain and a stall where weapons were stored, so Amanda assumed that this courtyard was used to train warriors.
She looked up at the great towering walls of the keep, shielding her from the outside world.
In this way it was almost like a prison, and she could well imagine that it was designed to keep people in just as easily as to keep them out.
But at least it meant that Lillie was safe.
Perhaps it was selfish of her to want to keep Lillie close by, although she told herself she was doing it for the good of the girl.
“Ann,” Amanda eventually began, knowing that she could not walk in silence for the rest of the day, “I want to know why you decided to keep this matter a secret from me?”
“Well, it was nae really a secret. I just didnae think it was worth mentioning. Ye know what the girls are like, there’s always some new man they are gossiping about. It really was nae worth yer time.”
“I think it is when that man works for a known criminal.”
“Even then I dinnae know if it was just an idle boast. He might hae just said it tae impress her.”
“Either way, you should have come to me with this information. I don’t like the idea that someone in my estate is connected with criminals, especially one who uses children in a despicable manner.”
Ann raised her hands at this and her tone became more forthright.
“Now I swear I never heard anything of that, and if I had done, then I would hae come straight tae ye. I cannae abide the idea of them using children like this.”
“Yet you are comfortable with them indulging in a life of crime?”
Ann paused for a moment as she gathered her thoughts.
“Well, I mean, crime is gaeing tae happen whether we like it or nae. I dinnae condone it, of course, but there’s naything I can dae about it. Men are gaeing tae dae what they like, and I dinnae think it’s any of my business.”
“And has anyone spoken to Lydia about this to perhaps try and dissuade her from this notion of romance?”
“I dinnae know.”
Amanda sighed. “Then I think a conversation is definitely in order. I do not like being kept in the dark about this.”
“I really didnae think it would matter tae ye, m’lady,” Ann said, clearly realizing that this was not a conversation between friends but between a maid and her superior. “Ye hae sae much tae worry about rather than some love affair of a lass.”
“Nothing is more important than the well-being of those around me. You of all people should know that. It seems that this Lydia is in need of good counsel. Too many people in this world make bad decisions, some for themselves and some for others,” Amanda said, thinking about the decision her father had made to marry her off to Hamilton.
Lydia may not have had the breeding to be paired with a man, but that meant she had the opportunity to choose her own husband.
It was something that Amanda was envious of, for there were no expectations and no rules, so it annoyed her that Lydia would make the choice to be with a man like this one rather than a good man.
“I am sorry, m’lady. I didnae mean anything by it, and it will nae happen again.
I promise that I will let you know if anyone should become involved with anyone they should nae.
I honestly dinnae think it would matter tae ye.
There are times when I hae tae remind myself that ye are nae like the usual noble class,” Ann said.
Amanda thought Ann had been punished enough and decided to accept the apology.
“Then let us speak nothing more of it. We shall speak to Lydia when we return to the estate and hopefully show her that there is a better way to live. There are plenty of men in the world. I am sure that she would be able to find someone who is not involved with a criminal.”
“Aye, I believe sae. And speaking of other men in the world, the laird’s son is an impressive man.”
Amanda arched an eyebrow, wondering where Ann was going with this.
“I suppose it’s natural for one to think that. He certainly has an impressive stature.”
“If I may be sae bold, I did see the way ye looked at him this morning, and the way he looked at ye. Is there something ye would like tae tell me?”
“Whatever do you mean?” Amanda asked with a haughty air.
“It’s nae usual for ye tae spend the night away from home, and ye clearly hae a good rapport with him. I’m just thinking tae myself that now ye are free of yer husband, and the laird’s son is nae encumbered with a wife…” she trailed away, leaving the implication hanging in the air.
Amanda took a deep breath and then let her facade slip a little.
“I stayed overnight here because of Lillie. But you are correct. There is a certain…rapport between Logan and I that I find quite entertaining. However, thinking that there is anything more than that is a foolish endeavor.”
“Amanda, ye dinnae hae tae pretend tae grieve. Naybody is gaeing tae judge ye if ye try and move on. Ye hae been living in that estate by yerself for such a long time now. Ye deserve some happiness.”
“Perhaps I do, and so does Logan, and that’s why it doesn’t matter how I feel. I must confess that I have developed certain warm feelings towards him, but that is as far as I am willing to let it go. There is no sense in thinking of the impossible.”
“And what makes ye think it’s impossible? From what I can see, the two of ye would be a good match.”
Amanda smiled. In another life, perhaps, but in this one, well, things were not always so simple.
“Logan is a strong man with strong convictions. He is devoted to protecting his family, and he did not hesitate to try and help Lillie. He would be a good father.”
“It sounds as though these are all qualities ye would look for in a man,” Ann said.
Amanda nodded. “Indeed, and although I have tried to hide from these feelings, I realize I cannot, but that does not mean I can allow them to spread. Logan would be a wonderful father, and one day he shall be one. He is to be the laird, and a laird needs heirs to continue the legacy. I am no stranger to this. It is the same problem that Hamilton had, and I do not wish to repeat the past. I would not seek to burden Logan with my issues. It’s already been proven that I cannot have children, and Logan deserves someone who can give him what he needs. ”
“If I may say sae, Amanda, I think ye are being a wee bit shortsighted.”
Amanda wore a thin smile. “Perhaps, but I would rather not take the risk of being disappointed again. I am not the type of woman that a man of standing should have because I cannot give them the one thing that women are born to give. Logan has already suffered greatly with losing a child. What use would he have to be with a woman who can definitely give him none? It is better to not entertain these flights of fancy. He is a good friend, and I hope he will remain so for the rest of my life. I also hope to attend his wedding one day and watch his heir grow up to be a fine man like his father. For now, we simply must focus on helping Lillie and the other children who have fallen under the sway of this awful man,” Amanda said, which was her way of bringing the conversation to a close.
However, as she thought about the future and about Logan having an heir, she felt sorrow well in her heart.
It was a future she would have liked for herself, but there were many things in life that were simply beyond her grasp.
Logan deserved more than she could give, and she was not about to get her hopes up about a romance again. She would not be able to take it.
Ann was about to say something else, starting on about what exactly Amanda was planning to do about this Bram MacGavin when Amanda noticed Logan striding out toward them.
She couldn’t fail to be drawn in by his impressive stature and his long strides.
Her breath caught in her throat as he came forward.
She would have assumed that the more she encountered him, the less in awe she would be of his appearance, but that wasn’t the case.
Whenever he approached, there seemed to be a tremor in the world, as though the sheer presence of the man was enough to change the very direction of the world.
Or perhaps the tremor was just in her soul bursting through the depths of her errant heart that had waited so long to love and be loved.
For fleeting moments she allowed these feelings to flow through her like sweet nectar before they diminished again.
The thought of being with him was just a dream.
He had a whole life ahead of him, a life where he was to be laird and raise a family to continue the legacy his ancestors had set out before him.
It was not to be brought to a crashing end with a woman who did not have the ability to create life.
So Amanda steeled herself and swallowed her emotions, attempting to bury them deep within herself. She pushed them as far down as they could go, hoping that they would not cause her too much pain, but still knowing that she would be suffering.
She forced a friendly smile upon her face as Logan approached her and came with an invitation to walk with him.
For now he did not have a wife, so she was not inclined to decline his invitation.
She decided that she could live in the fantasy for a while longer.
There is nothing wrong with having dreams, after all, she thought.
She slipped her arm in with his and continued walking around the courtyard while Ann diplomatically slipped away, leaving Amanda and Logan alone.