Chapter 14
Amanda had spent the better part of the day thinking about the kiss.
Her jaw ached as she hadn’t been able to stop smiling at the sensations that Logan had awoken within her.
It was as though a storm had passed through her, so vibrant that the maelstrom rippled and swam long after the kiss had ended.
Whenever she closed her eyes, she went back to that moment and relived it, sinking back into that well of pleasure and passion that was so intoxicating and left her in a state of delirium.
His kiss had been unlike anything she had ever felt before.
Of course, she only had her kisses with Hamilton to compare.
They were slobbering, horrible things with stale breath and groping hands, nothing like the tenderness with which Logan had kissed her.
It was enough to make her remember the feelings she had felt when listening to romance stories in her youth where the woman had always swooned whenever the man took her in his powerful arms. Now she was such a woman and had met such a man, but the feelings were far more intense than they had been when they leaped off the page.
Logan was a man in every manner that Hamilton was not.
His kisses were deep caresses that ran down through her body right to the curling tips of her toes.
Warm tingles spread in waves of pleasure that surged through her, pulsing one after the other like great waves.
There was a knot of tension in her stomach and her head became lighter than air all through the day.
The only shred of doubt was that she was deceiving Logan.
He had told her all these personal things about himself, yet she had kept the one thing back that might give him pause.
However, if she told him, then she was sure he would pull away and she would lose all these feelings.
She told herself that it was fine to maintain the illusion for a while.
After all, it wasn’t as though he had asked her to marry him.
They were just getting close and sharing a little bit of intimacy.
It had been something that had been absent from both of their lives for too long, and there was no harm in indulging in a little bit of physical pleasure.
It wasn’t as though she was a maiden. Her virtue had been sacrificed a long time ago to a man who had not cherished it at all.
Logan made her feel special in a way that Hamilton never had, and that surely counted for something.
In the evening, Amanda prepared for dinner again.
This time she looked through her clothes and picked an elegant gown that was the color of the pale sky.
She also wore a silver necklace with a pendant that rested against the hollow of her throat and brushed her hair so that it was lustrous and thick, pulling it around one shoulder.
Her heart fluttered when she thought of dinner and sharing another meal with Logan.
There would come a time when she would be forced to return to her estate and then she assumed the dream would be over.
There was no harm in indulging herself in it for a little while longer, she thought.
Ann had a wry look on her face when she came in and noticed that Amanda was taking a little more care to get ready than usual.
Amanda tried to be coy, but there was no hiding things from her maid, and soon enough Ann knew the truth.
She simply let out a smug snort and then got on with her day, unwilling to needle Amanda about it.
When it came time to descend the stairs, Amanda made her way to the dining chambers. She had a good sense of direction and so this time she did not need to be shown to the hall. When she arrived, Logan was already sitting there, but none of his other family members were present.
“Is nobody else joining us tonight?” she asked.
Logan smiled. “Last night was a rarity,” he said. “And I thought we might prefer some time alone.”
Amanda smiled. She certainly wasn’t going to argue with that.
There were similar cuts of meat offered as the previous night, as well as a hearty stew.
There were also stuffed mushrooms and strips of bacon laid over bread, where the bread could soak up the grease.
Logan pulled out a chair for her, and she joined him.
He poured her some wine and then relaxed.
She wondered if he was going to kiss her again or if what happened in the courtyard had been one of those things that would only happen once.
It was so wonderful that it almost seemed like a dream, and a part of her was afraid of talking about it with Logan in case he turned around and said that it did not happen.
But there was no denying the warmth of her lips or the scorching heat that emanated from his body.
“Did you say everything you needed to say to your men?” she asked.
“Aye. I wanted tae brief them on what’s gaeing tae happen.
As soon as we learn about Bram’s location, then I want tae attack.
I told them tae prepare sae that when I give the word we can march out and get Bram before he finds somewhere else tae skulk away tae,” Logan said.
There was tension in his voice again, as there was whenever he mentioned this man.
“Have you ever been face-to-face with him?”
“If I haed, he would nae be alive taeday. I dinnae know how he does it, but he is always one step ahead of anyone trying tae hunt him. I am nae the only one. Other clans hae tried tae capture him, but he haes evaded us all.”
“Then let’s hope that this time shall be different,” Amanda said, and raised her glass to toast to their success. Logan leaned forward and tapped his glass against hers, then they both sipped their wine.
“How is Lillie?” Amanda asked.
“She seems tae be warming tae Deirdre. I think opening up haes helped her realize that naybody is gaeing tae hurt her. She haes been eating well, although she haes nae left her room yet.”
“Good. What do you think will happen after this is all over?”
“I dinnae know. We will hae tae find a home for her,” Logan said.
Amanda had a thought about that, but she was not ready to say it aloud.
“Well, I’m glad that we were able to find her. I dread to think what might have happened if we had never heard that cry. It’s funny to think that it all happened because we bumped into each other at the market.”
“Aye, it’s funny how things work out sometimes. All this time ye hae been near Stirling and we hae nae spoken tae each other.”
“Indeed, although after today perhaps it is better that we did not,” she said, wearing a wicked smile.
Logan looked a little surprised but pleasantly so. It may not have been ladylike to speak about the kiss like this, but it was too present in her mind to stop thinking about.
“Well, I would nae hae done anything like that if ye were married.”
“My marriage was in name only. Everything that makes a marriage true was not involved in mine.” She sighed and then realized she was dangerously close to revealing her secret, so she quickly changed the subject.
“May I ask what possessed you to do such a thing? Was it really just looking for a new lease on life?”
“Something like that. I realize I hae been living in the past for tae long, always thinking of what I could nae dae, what I should hae done, but then ye come along and I find myself thinking of other things. It was difficult at first because I didnae want tae tarnish Moira’s memory, but ye are nae Moira and I am nae the same man I was then.
I still have feelings and needs, and for once I wanted tae feel something good again. ”
“It was good,” Amanda agreed, and she shared another warm smile with Logan. “What was Moira like?”
“Oh, she was a sweet lass, kind and warm-tempered. She rarely had a bad day. She was the daughter of a clansman who my father shared kinship with. They haed an agreement a long time agae that their firstborns should be wed, and my da is nae one tae break his word even though many years hae passed since then. In truth, I dinnae think she was the marrying kind. She enjoyed keeping tae her own company, so I cannae say that we were close, and I am ashamed tae say that I didnae love her in the way two people should love each other. I wanted tae, though. I vowed tae, after what she haed gone through with the pregnancy, but then I never haed a chance tae. As a husband I wanted tae give her a good life, but I couldnae, and now I think I hae been stopping myself from haeing a good life tae make up for it. It probably sounds stupid, I know.” He punctuated his words with a disarming smile.
“I think it’s the curse of people of conscience to want to punish themselves.
Other people, people like Bram”— people like my husband, she thought, although did not say aloud—“don’t have a problem with being cruel.
They get on with life without any remorse or regret.
I do sometimes wonder what would happen if you could put some compassion into cruel people.
I can imagine they would curl up with guilt. ”
“Aye, but sadly they carry on hurting people, and the rest of us hae tae try tae pick up the pieces.”
“Well, that’s something you can take comfort from at least; clearly you’re not a bad man, or you wouldn’t care so much about other people.
And I think it means that you don’t have to be so overwhelmed with guilt.
It sounds as though you were a good husband to her, under the circumstances, and it’s only misfortune that took her away from you.
It does seem to me that often marriages are built on something other than love.
When I was younger, I used to believe that husbands and wives loved each other purely because they were married, as though it was something that was conjured between them as soon as the marriage vows took place.
Real life disabused me of that notion, though.
I have learned a lot by going through it myself. ”