Chapter Twenty-Eight #2
Brody moved for the kitchens. He had been very frugal on their way north, but they’d come down to their last few coins and he was going to have to see about earning more money before they could travel back to Edinburgh and the Ludus Caledonia.
Were it just him, he wouldn’t have worried because he could have slept anywhere or eaten whenever the opportunity presented itself, but he wouldn’t do that to Lilia.
She had changed his whole perspective on travel.
She had changed his perspective on life.
“Brody?”
He heard his name and it had not come from his wife. Puzzled, not to mention on his guard, he quickly turned to the source and saw three men sitting at a nearby table, looking at him in shock.
He knew their faces.
They were sitting by the kitchens, huddled around a small table with a broken leg, and the moment he recognized them, his eyes widened in astonishment.
“Hamlin?” he gasped. “And Dougal and little Ramsey? Christ, lads, is it really ye?”
Suddenly, Lilia was pushed out of the way by a mob of men rushing her husband.
She would have thought they were attacking him except for one thing – they were hugging him instead of producing weapons.
They were crowing happily instead of screaming in anger.
The one that had called Brody by name was kissing her husband on both cheeks, clearly glad to see him.
And Brody seemed very glad to see them, as well.
“Lads, let me introduce ye to my wife,” Brody said, reaching out to grasp Lilia by the hand. He pulled her against him, tightly. “This is my wife, Lilia. Angel, these are men I hold most dearly. These are my cousins Hamlin, Dougal, and Ramsey McKay. Their fathers are my father’s younger brothers.”
The men looked at Lilia with warmth and curiosity and, truthfully, a good deal of surprise. Hamlin was big and dark, like Brody, while Dougal had bushy red hair. “Little” Ramsey wasn’t so little; he was quite tall and dark, but he was also young. She smiled politely.
“I am very happy tae know ye,” she said.
Brody didn’t even let them reply to her before he was making demands. “What are ye doing here?” he asked. “’Tis a cold winter’s night for ye tae be so far from home.”
The one who had called Brody by name, Hamlin, still wasn’t over the shock of seeing him. He pulled Brody down into an empty chair at their table. Lilia ended up on Brody’s lap because there was no more room.
“We’re heading tae Inverness,” Hamlin said. “The winter has been bad tae the north and we’ve had sickness move through the village. Do ye remember old Keltie?”
Brody nodded quickly. “The apothecary,” he said. “He’s still alive, is he? The man was ancient when I was a lad.”
Hamlin agreed. “That he was,” he said. “Do ye remember how a-feared we were of him? I was afraid tae look at him lest I turn tae stone.”
Brody snorted. “We all were,” he said. “But he’s a knowledgeable man. Is he sending ye intae Inverness?”
Hamlin nodded. “He is,” he said. “We’ve a list of medicines tae purchase tae help the sick. But no more talk of us. Brody, where have ye been, lad? We dinna see ye again after Jedburgh and we thought ye were dead.”
Brody quickly sobered. He knew this would come up when he reached Ledmore, and rightly so, but it seemed that he wasn’t as prepared as he thought he was to answer for his actions.
He loved Hamlin like a brother; they’d grown up together.
Dougal and Ramsey, too. He didn’t want them to think poorly of him.
He sighed faintly.
“I did what I shouldna have done,” he said quietly.
“After the ambush with the Sassenach… I couldna face what I’d done.
Ye were there, Hamlin. Ye know what I’m talking about.
I couldna return tae Ledmore and face those women and children, knowing I’d killed their sons and fathers and husbands.
So… I ran away. I’m ashamed of myself, but that’s what I did. ”
Hamlin didn’t seem surprised by the confession. “But it wasna yer fault,” he said quietly. “We all had a hand in the decision. Ye werena alone in it, lad.”
“But I’m the one who disobeyed my da,” Brody said. “All of ye looked tae me as yer commander and I led ye astray. It was stupid and reckless. It was my pride that did it, I suppose. I brought shame on my da and I just couldna face it.”
Hamlin reached out, putting a hand on Brody’s arm. “No one blamed ye,” he said. “Ye never let us tell ye that. Ye disappeared before we could.”
Brody shook his head, unwilling to be forgiven. Not yet, anyway. “I thought it would be best if I left. Hamlin, I never had the chance tae tell ye I was sorry I got yer brother killed. If I could have given my life for his, I would have.”
Hamlin smiled wryly. “Cauley was charging against the Sassenach before ye ever gave the command,” he said. “He would have done it with or without ye, Brody. Ye take too much credit for my brother’s foolishness. Ye’re not tae blame.”
“While I appreciate that, I was with Cauley when he drowned,” Brody said quietly. “I tried tae swim with him, but he panicked. I couldna save him and save myself, too, so I chose myself. Hamlin… I hope ye can forgive me.”
Hamlin’s smile turned real and he took Brody’s hand. “I forgave ye the moment it happened,” he said. “I wish I could have told ye that before ye ran.”
Brody appreciated his mercy. It did a great deal to help him deal with the guilt he’d carried since that time. “Ye’re a good man, Hamlin,” he said, looking to the other men at the table. “The two of ye, as well. I’ve missed ye all.”
Hamlin squeezed his hand. “We’ve missed ye a great deal,” he said. “No one knew what had happened tae ye, least of all yer da. The not knowing… it ate at him, Brody. He was convinced ye hated him.”
Brody shook his head, feeling his guilt return. “I dinna want tae shame him,” he said. “Mayhap if everyone thought I was dead and gone… the object of their hatred would be gone. It wouldna reflect poorly on my da.”
Hamlin hesitated before speaking. “Ye should know something, Brody,” he said. “Yer da took the blame for the ambush. He told everyone that he ordered ye tae take the men. No one but those of us who survived know the truth and Uncle Arch swore us tae secrecy.”
Brody’s eyes widened in shock. “Christ,” he muttered. “Did he really take the blame?”
“He did.”
“Damn the man… he shouldna have done that. It was my fault!”
Hamlin nodded. “It wasna anyone’s fault,” he said. “That’s what I was trying tae tell ye. Ye were in command of a group of hotheaded Albannach who would have gone even if ye hadna disobeyed yer da. Uncle Arch knew that; that’s why he took the blame.”
Brody wasn’t happy about that at all. He sat there, his brow furrowed with distress, unable to articulate what he was feeling. So many emotions were running through his mind, not the least of which was horror.
“I canna let that go on,” he said. “That’s why I returned, lads; tae see my da and tae apologize tae him for what I did.
Tae tell him that there hasna been a day since that the guilt of it hasna consumed me.
I’ll tell everyone in Ledmore who will listen that it wasna his fault at all; it was mine.
I canna let him accept responsibility for something that wasna his fault.
How is he, anyway? Ye said there was sickness in Ledmore. Is my da well?”
Hamlin glanced at Dougal and Ramsey, who didn’t seem able to meet his eyes. With a heavy sigh, he answered Brody’s question.
“Uncle Arch was one of the first tae get the fever, Brody,” he said. “That was about two months ago. He was strong but, in the end, the fever claimed him. I’m so sorry, lad. He’s gone.”
Brody sat back in his chair, staring at Hamlin. He could feel Lilia’s hand seek his, squeezing it, but she wisely kept silent. She didn’t say a word. Brody didn’t say a word, either. He couldn’t. He simply sat there as the news sank in.
Tears formed in his eyes.
His father was gone.
“How… how long ago?” he asked hoarsely.
Hamlin’s expression was full of sympathy. “A little over a month,” he said. “My da has taken over as the clan chief. Brody, Uncle Arch fought hard until the end. Ye should know that. And he never stopped loving ye, lad. I dunna think he ever gave up hope that, someday, ye might return.”
Brody swallowed hard as tears streamed down his cheeks. The pain of grief was too much to bear.
“I did return,” he whispered. “But not in time. Christ… not in time.”
“But ye’re here now,” Dougal spoke up. “At least ye came when ye could.”
Brody dropped his head, staring at his lap, struggling to process the death of his father. The man he loved most in the world, the man he’d betrayed so badly. The guilt was consuming him, guilt that he let his father die without apologizing to him, without telling him that he loved him.
God, he’d been so stupid. He’d stayed away, wallowing in self-pity, uncaring of the effect it was having on his father. He’d only been thinking about himself.
Now, he was only thinking about his father.
I’m so sorry, Da…
“Thank ye for telling me,” he finally said, wiping at his face. “Thank ye for giving my da comfort in the end. I know he loved ye, Hamlin. He looked at ye as another son.”
Hamlin smiled weakly. “My da and I were with him when he passed,” he said. “He wasna alone, Brody. We were there.”
That threatened Brody’s composure again, but he fought it. There would be a moment for him to weep unashamedly for his father, but now wasn’t the time in a room full of strangers. When he was alone with Lilia, he would grieve his father properly.
“And I thank ye for it,” he said. “It means a great deal tae me.”
As Hamlin nodded, Dougal spoke up again. “We thought ye were dead, Brody,” he said. “Mayhap this isna the right time tae say this, but Uncle Andrew is now clan chief. That title rightly belongs tae ye, as Uncle Arch’s son.”
Brody looked at him. That was very true, something that didn’t even occur to him until Dougal said it. Immediately, he shook his head.