Chapter XVIII
XVIII
Lucy
I walk home in a daze, and a few hours later, I manage to get it together enough to call my advisor, but he’s in the Middle East and unreachable for the next week.
So next I email the clerkship coordinator at the International Court of Justice to explain my situation and see if they have any way to help.
The answer is a very apologetic but firm no.
The coordinator asks if they should remove me from the register, and I actually scream “No!” at my computer before quickly typing a measured response.
I’ll figure it out. Somehow. I’ll figure it out.
But it’s Tuesday now, and I haven’t figured it out. I’m unshowered, in the same tank top and gym shorts I threw on when I got back from brunch. It’s been three days of sobbing interspersed with Golden Girls.
I’ve never felt this hollow. I’m heartbroken about James. I’m terrified about my work situation. All I want to do is call my mom and work through it with her, and I can’t.
There’s no one I really feel like I can talk to about all this. Rebecca’s been texting me multiple times a day to check in, but I’ve only managed to send back the briefest of responses, mostly to let her know I’m alive and don’t want her to come over.
If I tell her about the work stuff, I’m 98 percent confident she would insist on lending me the money to go to The Hague.
She’s about to be making bank as a first-year associate in Big Law.
It wouldn’t be easy—she’s got student loans plus the cost of living in New York—but I’m almost certain she’d offer to float me what I need for the next ten months and say I could pay her back when I start getting my own paychecks.
My rational brain tries to convince me that’s a good option. But I want to throw up every time I seriously contemplate it. That would be a massive loan. It’s too much strain on our friendship. It would change the dynamic, and I couldn’t put her out like that.
Not to mention that I would feel like total shit for relying on her in that way.
The best option at the moment is to stay in New York and take the job here. I can do that. I don’t want to do that. But I can.
It just feels like admitting defeat. Like I’d be starting my career from a place of fear. I’m supposed to be out there taking on the world. Instead, I might end up stuck in place, missing out on the first big opportunity that has come my way.
A sought-after law job in New York is not the end of the world. I know that.
I just can’t fight the feeling that it could very well be the first big concession of many. It’s like I have this dream of who I can be if I stand firm and stay true to myself, but life is holding up a chisel to it, and the chips are already starting to fly.
And the really scary part? There’s a part of me that still, even now, wonders what it would be like to hand the chisel over to James.
To see how it would feel to settle into his life and his seaside plans.
Maybe it wouldn’t drive me insane. Maybe the love I feel for him could completely make up for all the parts of me I would have to abandon to stay in his life.
God, I miss him.
I queue up another season of Golden Girls, painfully aware that even this show will come to an end.
James
I’ve called Lucy eight times, but she hasn’t answered. I started walking toward her building yesterday after a gig, but then I felt creepy and turned around. If she doesn’t want to see me, I shouldn’t force it.
Miriam texted me a recipe she thought I’d like a few days ago. I haven’t responded. I don’t have any mental space for her right now.
All I have space for is checking for a missed call from Lucy and counting down the days on my calendar. It’s Wednesday now. She’s leaving on Sunday, and I fly out Monday. In theory, we could have at most a few more days together. So what am I fighting for? What am I trying to hold on to?
I have the day off, and I should be doing something productive.
But I spend all afternoon wallowing around my apartment, feeling like an idiot.
I really fucked up at brunch, I know that.
But before we had our fight, something was already bothering her.
Pulling her away from me. I replay it again and again in my head while I stare at bedroom walls that won’t be mine in a week.
Rebecca shows up with Szechuan takeout around 6 p.m. under the auspices of “helping me pack,” even though I only have two duffel bags with me in New York.
Most of my stuff is in a shipping pod currently on its way from Philly to Oregon.
She gives me a big hug and asks how I’ve been.
I suppose I could soften it, but “Total shit” is what comes out.
Rebecca smiles and nods. “Sounds about right.”
I lead her into the kitchen, and we start unboxing mapo tofu and cumin lamb. My two French roommates walk through and eye Rebecca with extreme levels of suspicion. “This is my cousin, Rebecca.”
The relief on their faces is immediate as they scamper over to double kiss her. “Oh, la cousine!” Chloe chirps. “We think he try to replace his love so fast!”
Rebecca laughs and takes their outstretched hands—they’re very touchy. “No, no!” Rebecca laughs. “Lucy is actually my best friend. I introduced them.”
“This is wonderful!” Alba coos. “Then you can bring zem back together!”
“Zey were so cute. And very discreet lovers.” Chloe winks at me. “But we always knew.”
“OK,” I interject. “That’s enough of that.” My roommates fawn over Rebecca’s “mermaid hair” for another minute before leaving us in peace.
“I like them.” Rebecca opens cabinets looking for plates. “And I take it they like Lucy.”
“Everyone likes Lucy,” I reply without thinking and feel my ears heat. I pick up a carton of string beans in an attempt to eat my feelings.
Rebecca is quiet for a moment. “Have you two talked?”
I shake my head. “I’ve called. A lot. No response.”
She sighs. “So that’s just it?”
“I guess so.”
When I look up, Rebecca is crying over her plate. “Rebecca . . .”
“I’m sorry,” she moans, wiping her tears. “I’m just so fucking bummed.” I grin at that, and it makes Rebecca laugh. She blots her eyes with thin takeout napkins. “I know this was never supposed to be a real thing, but you two fucking fell for each other—”
“I fell for her.”
Rebecca glares at me. “Dude. You know that girl loves you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know that. I thought she might for a minute, but clearly I was wrong.”
“Why clearly?”
My skin feels hot as the scene replays for the thousandth time. “You saw that fight. She kept me at a distance all summer.”
Rebecca frowns. “If anything, I think her feelings for you might be more intense than yours.”
I laugh at that and cross my arms, but Rebecca’s expression is dead serious.
“You’ve known all sorts of love in your life,” she goes on.
“Including Miriam.” Rebecca sets down her chopsticks to underscore her point.
“All Lucy ever had was her mom. She’s lived this big, adventurous life, but she’s never been in love before.
Not romantic love. I obviously love her more than any man ever will.
” She smirks. “But you’re the first person she’s really fallen for.
And I bet you anything that has her terrified. ”
I want to write off Rebecca’s words as empty platitudes, but this would be an insane way for her to go about making me feel better. “You haven’t talked to her?” I ask.
Rebecca shakes her head. “All she’ll say is that she’s fine and doesn’t want to get into it.
” The corners of her mouth go up, but her eyes are still sad.
“I’ve never really known her to be one to talk through her emotions.
She honestly scared the shit out of me on graduation day with her bathroom breakdown.
” Rebecca’s face falls. “Please tell me you already knew about that.”
I can’t help smiling at the memory as I stab at a piece of lamb. “We talked about it that night. It was the most open she ever was with me.” I realize something, and it makes my throat tighten. “Maybe I’ve been chasing the memory of that night ever since.”
Rebecca presses her fingers to her temple, like she isn’t sure what to say.
I shake my head, my eyes on the floor. “I just wish I knew if any of it was real. I mean, we agreed it would be casual, but I don’t think it ever was.
Not for me, at least.” My brow furrows as I try to work it through.
“Why would she push me away so suddenly? I was a dick at brunch, but she kinda was too.” Rebecca tilts her head in tacit agreement.
“Something was off with her, and I just don’t know—”
I freeze mid-bite.
Her application. She’d been waiting to hear back. She should have heard by now. “Did Lucy tell you whether or not she got her grant?”
Rebecca’s face falls. “Oh, shit.”
I grab my phone and keys and bolt for the door. “I’ve gotta—”
“Go!” Rebecca calls after me. “I love you!”
“Love you too!” I shout as I hurtle down the stairs.