Chapter 15 #2
Still, despite all that, I must be remembering it wrong. I must have loved Runa at some point, because otherwise what happened to her never would have happened.
“I just wanted to say thank you, at least,” Runa says, cutting into my thoughts.
“For what?”
She gives me a pointed look. “You know for what.”
‘Course, I do. Runa is the reason I got sent to Dyaspora.
“It’s fine.” I say shortly. “I’d do it again.”
She looks pleased, which isn’t exactly what I was going for.
I just meant I would do the same for anyone, but before I can clarify, my gaze flies up and I see Aurelia walking into the camp.
Fuck, she’s beautiful, even looking like she just rolled out of bed.
Especially looking like that. I glance around quickly, suddenly bothered by the idea that anyone else might be noticing her too. I immediately get to my feet.
Runa remains sitting, watching me. She follows my eyeline, glancing over to Aurelia, and then back to me. “Can we talk about this later? I want to know what happened in all these years.”
My attention is completely elsewhere, as I can’t stop looking at Aurelia crossing the camp. She angles her body, and I notice the absurd squirrel riding on her shoulder.
I cross the camp in two strides and intercept Aurelia before she reaches the porridge and shove my bowl at her. “Here.”
She glances up at me, startled. “Good morning. What’s this?”
“Breakfast.”
Aurelia looks like she’s still half asleep as she pushes the bowl back at me, shaking her head. “I can get my own.”
I let out an involuntary growl. Aurelia has no idea that pushing the bowl away is equivalent to a rejection as bad as…well, as bad as how I rejected her the other night after Daemon and Alix’s wedding.
“Just go sit,” I grumble. “I’ll get you another bowl.”
She looks confused, but to my relief she walks over and sits down by the fire, then moves her squirrel to her lap and begins petting it as if it were a cat. Shaking my head, I go to get her something to eat.
When I return and sit next to her on the log, she stiffens almost imperceptibly. I growl again, and the squirrel startles, leaping off Aurelia’s lap and darting off toward the woods.
Aurelia makes a dismayed sound and glares at me. “You scared Eugene.”
“Good. Maybe next time you’ll leave him in the damn tent.”
She scowls, but doesn’t say anything. Aware that there are eyes on us, I shift over so we’re sitting closer together. I put my hand on the small of her back. Aurelia noticeably jumps as if burned and gives me a reproachful look. “What are you doing?”
I shake my head and stand up. “Come on.”
She looks up at me with confusion. “Where are we going?”
“Back to the tent.”
“But we were just about to eat.”
“Bring it with you.”
I know even more people are watching and listening now, not least because we’re speaking out loud.
The best I can hope for is that they think I want to get her back to the tent to fuck so badly I forgot to speak mind-to-mind.
It’s not actually as absurd as it sounds, because if that were an option, it’s exactly what I’d be doing.
I steer Aurelia through the camp, which is growing more crowded by the second. I can tell just from the unspoken energy radiating off her that she’s pouting. When we reach the tent, I immediately cross to the desk and scribble a quick note.
Do the thing that blocks sound
Her mouth falls open in shocked indignation. “You hypocrite!”
I point to what I just wrote with the end of the quill hard enough that I stab a hole through the paper.
Aurelia rolls her eyes and waves a hand in the air. She always makes things look so absurdly easy, like just a flick of her fingers could bring down an entire army. I’m really hoping we don’t have to test how accurate that is.
“Did you do it?” I ask.
“Yes. I still think you’re being a hypocrite, though. What happened to ‘magic has a smell. The wolves will notice.’”
“We have bigger problems than your magic. They’re going to notice that we can’t stand to be near each other.”
She doesn’t bother to deny it. “This was a terrible plan. You should have told them something else.”
I grind my teeth. “I didn’t have a lot of time to come up with a good story.”
“You didn’t have to—”
“—don’t start,” I interrupt.
I don’t want to hear any more about how I didn’t have to come with her, partly because she’s right.
I didn’t have to follow her, and I know I shouldn’t have.
I know that neither of us should be here right now, but I also know that if I hadn’t followed her, Aurelia would be dead.
Just the thought of that makes the wolf pace in the back of my mind, growling as if he wants to burst out of me.
“You don’t seem to understand the danger you’re in here,” I say, desperately fighting to keep control of this conversation.
“Of course I do.” She puts her hands on her hips. “Do you really think I didn’t know that coming here would be dangerous?”
“I have no fucking idea what you thought.”
“Of course I knew,” she snaps. “I just didn’t realize that the monsters wouldn’t be my biggest threat, it’s really the soldiers who are supposed to fight the monsters.”
I wince. “To be fair, the monsters will try to kill you too.”
She doesn’t seem amused. “I just think it’s appalling that the wolves don’t even know me, but because I might do magic, they immediately hate me.”
“Shifters have good reason to be suspicious. We’re raised to believe Fae are dangerous.”
“But you’re half-Fae.”
“Yes, and magic has only ever made my life worse.”
“So you agree with them.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I don’t know. I don’t hate magic. How could I, when I have lived with Daemon and Kas and Jett for years? Why would I be in Vernallis?”
“You don’t like it though,” she says accusingly. “You’ve made that clear more times than I can count.”
“It…I’m not used to it,” I hedge. “I think it’s dangerous.”
“I’d never hurt you or anyone else,” she snaps.
“I’m not fucking worried you’ll hurt me, I’m worried you’ll hurt yourself!”
A ringing silence follows that statement, and I immediately wish I could take it back. I have no idea where that came from—I wasn’t even aware that’s what bothers me about her magic until this moment. Maybe at first I was a little prejudicial toward the use of magic, but now…it’s not that.
“What did you want to talk about?” Aurelia asks in a completely different voice.
I flick my gaze back to hers, forcing myself to remain calm. “You’re not acting like a mate.”
“Oh, really?” She tilts her head, pointedly exposing the bite on her neck.
I have to bite back another growl. “Don’t flash your throat. It’s a sign of submission.”
She moves her head back, letting her hair fall over her shoulders to hide her throat. There’s a slight pink tinge to her cheeks that wasn’t there a moment ago. “I just meant, I thought you said the bite would be enough to convince them.”
“It should be, but not when you’re so uncomfortable.”
“I’m uncomfortable?” she snorts a laugh. “You’re the one who didn’t want…anything public. I thought I was respecting that.”
I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. Fuck me. Everything about this situation is so fucked up.
If I had to have that conversation from the other night again right now, I would say exactly the same thing. I wouldn’t want to, but I would. I’ve learned twice now what happens if I’m selfish, and I don’t need to be taught a third lesson.
That doesn’t change how I feel, though. I’m aware I care about Aurelia, but I don’t love her, which means she’s still safe.
I like her, though, in more than just a physical way.
If running into Runa again has proved anything to me, it’s that being with Aurelia is different.
I like talking to her, I like seeing her every day, and the thought of her getting hurt makes me feel fucking crazy.
I’m afraid that I might love her if I keep having to spend time with her, which is a terrible situation to be in.
I can’t leave her here alone because she will get hurt and possibly die.
But, I can’t stay either, because I might fall in love with her, which would result in her getting hurt and possibly dying.
And, worst of all, I can’t explain any of it to her, because there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that if I tell Aurelia everything she’ll think she can use magic to fix the situation…
and then she’ll get hurt and possibly die.
I can’t see any path out of this fucking nightmare except to go straight through and take each problem as it comes. The problem in front of me is that we’re not acting enough like mates.
I suck in a long breath, and when I open my eyes again, I’m hyper-focused. “We need to try harder.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“Don’t reject any food I give you.”
She puts her hands on her hips. “Why?”
“Just don’t. Let me get your meals for you, and don’t accept food from anyone else, even the wolves who are cooking the meals. If they put a plate down on the table first, you can pick it up, but don’t let anyone hand you anything.”
She wrinkles her brow. “That doesn’t seem practical.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
She cocks her hip and rolls her eyes. “Fine. Anything else?”
I run a hand through my hair. I need to tell her that she has to let me touch her, but I don’t know how to say it.
It seems selfish, like because there’s some part of me that wants her to, it’s wrong to frame it as something she has to do for her own safety.
It’s the same reason I never sought her out for the last almost two years—if it was her choice, then I could justify it to myself.
To my relief, Aurelia is clearly thinking along the same lines. “I can be more…friendly,” she says unprompted.
“Yeah?”
She bites her lip. “Yes. Assuming you’re not going to push me away.”
My brow furrows. The idea that I would ever push her away is so absurd, when I’ve spent every night for almost two years hoping she’d show up at my door, and when I’m constantly fighting myself because I’m caught between wanting to be with her all the time and knowing I can’t if I’m going to keep her safe.
“The biggest problem is that I can’t understand what anyone is saying,” Aurelia continues, unaware of the battle I’m waging against myself.
“You wouldn’t be able to, anyway. My mother was Fae, and she could hear my father, but she couldn’t hear me unless I spoke to her out loud.”
She frowns. “You were her son, though.”
“It’s not about how much you care about someone. It’s just a mate thing.”
“Well, that doesn’t fix the fact that I can’t actually hear you.”
My chest squeezes painfully. “Just pretend. If I look at you, don’t look away. Pretend we’re talking.”
“But how am I supposed to know what you’re trying to say?”
“Guess.”
“Oh, sure, that’s helpful.” She rolls her eyes. “What, do you want to just stare at each other all through dinner?”
I cock my head. “That could work.”
She scoffs, her eyes widening in something like panic. “I don’t actually think I can do that without laughing.”
I don’t know if I can do it either. I’m not afraid of laughing, but staring at Aurelia for several hours seems like tempting fate.
I squeeze my eyes shut. One problem at a time.
I’ve never mastered anything without drilling it a thousand times. This is just like learning a new combat technique—repetition until it becomes second nature. I turn to the small, three-legged table, pull out the nearest chair, and sit down. “Come here.”
Aurelia’s eyebrows raise. “Why?”
“To practice.”
Aurelia’s eyes dart toward the tent flap.
Her fingers twitch at her sides, and she shifts her weight to the balls of her feet as if she’s thinking about running.
She doesn’t. Just as she kept showing up every day to master the sword, she meets my eyes and her throat bobs with a swallow, then she crosses the remaining distance and sits down on my lap. I suck in a breath.
I was expecting her to sit across from me, but she must have thought I had something else in mind. Still, thinking of her request that I not “push her away,” I say nothing as I pull her closer.
Aurelia shifts so she’s sitting sideways on my lap, her legs flung over my thigh. She wraps one arm around my neck and angles inward so we can stare directly at each other. She looks completely neutral, but I can hear her heart beating, and it’s going just as fast as mine.
“Ready?” she asks.
I give a grunt of agreement that sounds a little too close to a no. I don’t know what I want to do right now. Everything is all jumbled up in my head.
She just stares at me, our gazes locked. She doesn’t laugh, but after a few seconds I see her eyes drift out of focus.
“Try thinking about what you’re pretending to say,” I tell her. She shakes her head and blinks to bring her gaze back into focus, and tries again. This time she looks more engaged. “Better.”
“You’re not doing anything, though.”
“What?”
“You’re just watching me. You don’t look like we’re talking about anything.”
I blink. Somehow I hadn’t realized I’d have to pretend too. “Go again.”
Aurelia widens her eyes slightly, and even though I have no idea what she thinks we’re talking about, I pretend to answer in my head as if I do. “Yes, it’s nice out tonight. Not too cold.”
She quirks an eyebrow, and this time I imagine her saying: “Do you really think I would talk about something so boring as the weather?”
“No,” I pretend to answer. “You’re a lot of things, witch, but never boring.”
She tilts her head as if asking a question, and I nod, pretending to answer, “Yes.”
She smiles, and I don’t mean to but I smile back.
“—Ooh, a dimple smile. I’m honored.”
I blink, startled. That time, the pretending was so good it was as if I could really hear her.
Tentatively, I think. “Aurelia?”
I wait, but Aurelia’s voice remains silent and she doesn’t react, except by tilting her head as if she’s still pretending to listen.
I let out a breath. Of course, I didn’t actually hear her. I’m losing my fucking mind.