Chapter 28
“Do you think I should leave Eugene here or bring him with us?” Aurelia asks. Then, before I can answer, she looks at the squirrel instead, as if speaking to him directly. “What do you think? Do you want to come, or do you like it better here?”
“Leave him,” I grumble. “I don’t want you getting distracted.”
“He’s not a distraction, he’s a companion,” she argues.
“He’s going to be some snowy owl’s lunch if you bring him with us.”
“That’s rude.”
I bite back a groan. “It’s a long walk with nothing but snow between here and the queen’s palace, and a red squirrel is going to stand out against all that white.”
Aurelia sighs, her shoulders drooping. “Ugh, I guess you’re right. Don’t look at me like that, Eugene, I just don’t want you to get eaten!”
It’s nearing midnight, and Aurelia and I are finally getting ready to leave. Even knowing that we had to travel overnight, it feels surreal when we step outside the tent and find that the darkness of night has swallowed the camp whole.
Aurelia steps out of the tent behind me, and looks up at the sky, a wide smile spreading across her face. “Look! The lights have already started! And they’re so much brighter here, I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”
I follow her gaze and look up to find ribbons of green, blue and violet twisting across the stars. Aurelia laughs with excitement, and spins in a circle, the dancing colors reflecting off her face.
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful either.
Being with Aurelia is the most normal I’ve felt in years—maybe ever. In any other world, it would be easy to spend the rest of my life with her. In any other life, I would have told her that she’s everything—that she’s been everything to me for years now. That if I could love her, I would.
But, in this reality, I can’t say any of that.
What’s the difference between wishing I could love her, and actually tipping over that edge? What if it’s just saying the words out loud? What if voicing it is what tempts fate to ruin everything?
I wish she hadn’t asked for an explanation just as my resolve was as weak as it’s ever been.
I shouldn’t have told her about the queen, especially not when we’re about to travel to the palace.
I’m sure she’s planning something heroic, regardless of whether the queen really turns out to be her mother.
She’s going to try and save all the shifters, which means that my only goal now is to save her.
That’s always been the goal, but now it’s more clear in my head than ever. She’s the only thing that matters anymore, and if that means my loyalty has shifted enough to cause some disaster, then hopefully it will happen to me, not her.
Half a dozen faces turn toward Aurelia and I as we walk into the center of camp.
I’m sure we look strange, with me scowling and her grinning up at the sky.
Absently, I reach out and pull Aurelia away from the fire so she doesn’t wander too close while watching the lights, then lead her over to the waiting wolves.
Kai and Luka are among the group waiting for us, and a couple of wolves I only know by sight, including Ilona and Mynthe, the women from the first hunt I joined. That feels like a lifetime ago.
Everyone except Kai bares their necks in greeting as I stop in front of them. Kai seems to have decided not to bother, which I appreciate.
“Where’s Jett?” I ask, not directing my question to anyone in particular.
“He and the pirate will be here in a moment,” Kai answers in my head.
Good. That must mean Jett caught up with Connell. I don’t really care much about the pirate either way, but I know Jett would take it personally if he managed to escape.
Sure enough, barely five minutes pass before we hear Connell’s voice carrying across the silent camp: “—don’t remember agreeing to walk across the bloody tundra. I don’t much fancy freezing my ballocks off, personally.”
“I didn’t know you had any to begin with,” Jett answers in a weary voice unlike his usual cheerful tone.
“Is that your way of asking to see them?” Connell replies. “I suppose that would be alright, but I’d really prefer to get somewhere warmer first. A man’s got to have pride, after all.”
Jett’s low voice responds, just as the two of them stumble into view between the rows of tents, but the words are too garbled by the wind to make out.
I wait for Jett and Connell to join us, then glance over to Kai. “This everyone, or are we waiting for anyone else?”
Kai’s eyebrows lift slightly, his mouth quirking at one corner. “Alpha’s call. Did you want anyone else?”
My fingers twitch at my sides. “For fuck’s sake. Don’t start with that shit.”
“He’s right,” Luka comments, grinning widely. “If you didn’t want to be in charge you shouldn’t have taken over quite so dramatically.”
My jaw clenches so hard my teeth might crack. I didn’t “take over,” I was just protecting my mate.
Protecting Aurelia, I mean. She’s not really my mate, no matter what the wolf inside me seems to believe.
I shake my head roughly and begin again. “Is this who you would have chosen to come with us?”
“Yes,” Kai says, crossing his arms. “Almost.”
“Great, you decide.”
Kai nods. “Fine, in that case we’re just waiting on one more—”
Footsteps crunch in the snow behind me. I turn and my muscles lock when I see Runa approaching, dressed in armor, her silver-blonde hair gleaming under the aurora. My fingers curl into fists at my sides.
“She’s one of the best scouts,” Kai murmurs, eyes flicking between us. “But Mynthe can step in if you prefer.”
My throat works as I swallow. “No,” I say flatly. “It’s fine.”
Runa keeps her gaze fixed ahead, sparing me the awkwardness of eye contact. I don’t know why she would step in to save Aurelia, but I need to find a way to thank her. I owe her everything.
We set off for the palace only half an hour later than we’d meant to. The wind howls across the open fields, flinging snow like shattered glass against our skin.
In conditions like this, when it’s freezing and we have a long way to travel, I’d normally run as a wolf, but that’s not possible with Aurelia, Jett and Connell traveling with us.
I can tell the other shifters aren’t thrilled about walking so slowly, but they’re too afraid to comment to me about it.
That might be one part of being the alpha that I actually like.
I know roughly where we’re headed, but it’s been decades since I’ve been to the palace, so I let Kai lead.
Or, more like I order Kai to lead. Not that he seems to mind, if anything, he seems happier today than I’ve seen him since arriving.
He walks with a new lightness in his step, like a wolf who’s finally found his place in the pack again. I wish I could share his enthusiasm.
I notice Runa hanging back, walking near Aurelia and me. Aurelia notices at the same time I do, and true to her nature, seizes the moment.
“Thank you,” she says to Runa, her voice carrying in the cold air. “For what you did back there.”
I keep my eyes forward, pretending not to listen.
I hear Runa’s cool voice cut through the air. “I didn’t do it for you.”
My stomach sinks. Fuck. After all those insane things Aurelia was saying about me possibly still wanting to be with Runa—the idea hasn’t crossed my mind for the better part of two years—I’m terrified Runa’s natural defensiveness will give Aurelia the wrong impression.
Not that it should really matter.
I can’t be with Aurelia either, so I shouldn’t be worried about what she thinks. If anything, I should be glad to have another reason to push her away, but I’m not.
Not that I should be thinking about her at all.
Aurelia doesn’t even sound bothered by Runa’s rudeness. “Why did you do it then?” she asks blandly.
I watch Runa’s face harden in the moonlight as she looks at Aurelia.
Runa’s eyes fix on the northern horizon.
“Forty winters ago, I had a superior who used to corner me after drills. Alone.” Her fingers drift to her collar, adjusting it higher.
“More dominant shifters can order other shifters to do anything. Only alphas can resist, and I’m not an alpha. ”
Aurelia’s gaze flicks from Runa to me and back. “You don’t have to talk about this.”
“I know, but I want you to understand,” Runa says flatly. “I wanted him dead and I didn’t think I’d be able to do it myself. Not that I wouldn’t have—but again, I’m not an alpha. It was more practical to have someone else kill him, so I told Fox what happened, knowing he’d take care of it for me.”
“Because you were together?” Aurelia asks, glancing back and forth between us once more.
Runa snorts a derisive sound, and I can’t help rolling my eyes.
“No. If anything, that would have made me less likely to do something like that for her.” I say, no longer able to pretend I’m not listening.
The second the words leave my mouth, my brow furrows in sudden confusion. Something about that sounds wrong, yet it’s absolutely true.
“Exactly,” Runa says. “We all know better than to make big declarations for our partners. No one here is trying to trigger a mate bond, believe me.”
“I thought you believed bonds were fated,” Aurelia asks.
Runa shrugs. “Why risk it either way?”
I nod in agreement, even as the contradiction of the conversation hammers at the back of my head.
I’ve spent years thinking that what happened to Runa and me had to be because I loved her, but now that she’s saying it like this, it’s clear that I didn’t.
If I had, I would have been more conflicted about defending her in case it made things worse and she got even more hurt, or possibly even killed.
All I remember thinking back then was that a beta who used his power over the rest of the pack that way didn’t deserve to keep breathing.
Runa’s eyes shift from Aurelia to me. “I never thought they’d exile you. I expected you to take his place as beta. Instead, I watched them drag you to Dyaspora, and I’ve lived with that guilt for forty years.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” I say.