Chapter 34 #2
Not that I was expecting Fox to be here—he’s still out by the fire last I saw, locked in silent conversation with a pack of soldiers.
Amora isn’t here either, as Inga helped me find a spare tent for her and she spent most of the afternoon bathing, then sleeping in the first actual bed she’s seen in years.
Still, I’m unhappy to find the tent entirely empty. Eugene is missing.
He wasn’t here when I checked earlier, but I assumed he was exploring the woods, perhaps drawn outside by the rapidly lightening air and melting snow. He should be back by now and I’m growing worried. It’s getting dark, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t find him by morning.
My stomach tightens with anxiety as I step back outside, scanning the tree-line over the tops of the tents.
“What are you looking for?” A familiar voice says behind me.
I turn to find Fox striding toward me between the rows of tents.
His hair is loose and messy and for some reason—probably because he’s been shifting back and forth all day—he’s not wearing a shirt, and his trousers are hanging low, barely held up by the V of defined muscles that never ceases to distract me.
I blink several times and turn away. I can’t let myself become distracted. I need to find my squirrel, and anyway, I just finished reminding myself that Fox and I need to have a real conversation at some point, and not just revert back to our usual pattern of falling into bed.
“I need to find Eugene,” I say distractedly. “He’s missing. I’m afraid he tried to follow us to the palace.”
"I'll come with you," Fox says immediately.
I grimace. “Don’t you have more alpha things to do?”
He scowls. “They can survive without me.”
“Can they?” I ask seriously, even as he guides me down the row of tents toward the woods.
Fox sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Maybe not.”
“I suppose we should find out. You’ll have to leave them eventually. Everyone needs to sleep at some point.”
It’s a weak joke—not really a joke at all, just a statement of fact that hints a little too heavily on some of the things I’ve been worrying about throughout the day, but Fox flashes a smile anyway. His dimple appears, and my insides squeeze painfully.
We walk in comfortable silence through the woods, our footsteps crunching over twigs and half-melted snow. The evening light is fading fast, painting everything in shades of blue-gray, but there's still enough visibility to make out the silhouettes of trees against the darkening sky.
A cool breeze lifts my hair, bringing with it the smell of spring rather than the biting chill I’ve grown to expect.
I point at a patch of exposed earth where snow has receded.
"Look, it's melting a little. Feels early for spring, but maybe the continent's just as tired of this eternal winter as everyone else. "
Fox crouches down, his fingers gently closing around a lone purple crocus pushing up through the receding snow. He plucks it carefully, and holds it out to me without comment. I smile and stick it behind my ear, my insides melting faster than the snow.
As we move deeper into the forest, the light grows weaker. I scan the high branches of every tree, searching for Eugene. "Maybe he finally decided to go back to the woods," I say, unable to keep the worry from my voice.
Fox shakes his head. "I doubt it. No one in their right mind would willingly leave you."
My cheeks heat and another wave of emotion crashes over me.
Good Gods, is this what it’s going to be like forever?
Every tiny glance or comment is going to turn me into a puddle at his feet.
I don’t know if I can live like that, and at the same time, I’m afraid to say something that will make all of this more real.
I promised Amora I'd tell her by tomorrow if I'm going on the trip to Solistine with her, and I'm painfully aware that whether I stay or go depends almost entirely on Fox.
Before we left for the palace, it was clear things were rapidly changing between us. I was sure he wanted more with me, but it was still impossible. Now that barrier has been removed, but he hasn’t said anything. Not that there’s been much time for huge declarations, I suppose.
I wrack my brain for a way to bring up our relationship, without simply blurting it out.
"How does it feel?" I ask "Now that you and the other wolves are free?”
Fox's expression doesn't change. "I know the others feel it because I’ve been hearing about it all day. They all felt the shift when she died.” He slants his eyes toward me, as if checking if I’m going to become upset at the mention of Silvia.
I don’t react, and he takes a breath before continuing.
“Some of the pack are so happy they're still running around in wolf form, celebrating. Some are worried about what this means for us, now that we’re not bound to the army. Some want to leave, but many want to act as if nothing has changed and carry on living as we always have, which is a perspective I can understand.”
I nod, watching his face as he speaks. “But that’s all about the others. How do you feel?”
“The same,” he says immediately. “Nothing changed for me.”
I take a deep breath. "Silvia mentioned something to me," I say, watching his face carefully. "She tried to give you an order and you ignored her.”
"Yeah," he says, "I expect she meant when I was fucked up on poison, but still knew I shouldn’t hand over my sword to her.”
“She said you weren’t bonded to her like the others.”
Fox looks unsurprised. “Yeah, I realized while we were in the palace that I probably wasn't."
"Because you were able to hurt her, you mean?"
Fox shakes his head. "No, before that." His eyes drift to the forest floor. "I just wish I'd realized it sooner."
"Well," I say with a weak smile, "at least you don't have to worry about crossing the border back to Vernallis now."
Fox's expression shifts, a shadow passing over his features.
"What's wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"I can always tell something is wrong. You’re not all that mysterious, you know.”
He barks a sudden short laugh, evidently caught off guard, then sighs, and his face turns brooding once more. "I'm afraid of what will happen to the wolves if I leave.”
"Oh. I didn't realize you liked being the alpha."
"I don't," he says almost defensively. "I hate it—all of them looking at me like I have answers—I don't want to be their alpha.
" He runs a hand through his hair, and I can see the conflict in his eyes.
"But I care about them. They need help rebuilding, getting reorganized. I feel responsible for them.”
"Oh. Of course."
I look down at the ground to hide my reaction.
Of course he’d want to help the wolves. I can’t blame him for that, it’s the right thing to do. Still, I thought we were in agreement about leaving, and selfishly, I want him to return home with me. It never occurred to me that Fox might want to stay.
"Is that what you want?" I ask him carefully. “To stay in Thermia?”
Fox's footsteps halt mid-stride. His jaw tightens, a muscle flickering beneath his skin as his gaze slides toward me. "I like things the way they are now.”
“I’m confused.”
He turns fully to face me, eyes boring into mine with sudden intensity. "I like how things have been since we've been here," he says, his voice low. "I want things to stay like this for a while."
A pang of sadness and rejection blooms in my chest. He wants to stay in Thermia and be part of the wolf pack. He doesn't want to go home with me.
"What about me?" I ask, forcing the words past the tightness in my throat. I've never felt more vulnerable than I do at this moment, waiting for his answer.
Fox's eyes hold mine, earnest and clear. "That's what I mean," he says, his voice low but steady. "I like how things are with you. I want them to stay like this…if you want that, too."
His words are like a cold bucket of water over my head.
He likes how things are now–likes our casual relationship.
He wants to stay in Thermia, but seems to be suggesting that I could stay too, presumably to keep fucking him everyday, while living in this undefined null space outside of our normal lives.
Oh Gods. I'm such an idiot.
How could I have imagined something deeper when he's told me repeatedly that he doesn’t want more than this? I keep telling myself that I’m not going to do this—I’m not going to keep chasing after a man who doesn’t want what I want, and somehow I keep doing exactly that.
I swallow hard, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Amora—my mother, I mean—I haven’t really decided what to call her yet. But anyway, she asked me to go on a trip to Solistine with her," I say, the words tumbling out in a jumbled rush before I can stop them.
“Oh,” Fox says in an inscrutable tone. “Do you want to go?"
“I might,” I say, blinking rapidly to keep tears from forming. “I’m thinking about it, but right now I really just need to find Eugene.”
I turn away from him and scan the trees, walking faster with each step. "You don't have to stay with me. I can look for Eugene alone.”
I hear Fox’s footsteps and his confused voice calling after me. “Aurelia, what—”
“Go ahead and go back to camp!” I cut him off. “I’m sure they need you. I’ll be back in a bit.”
I hear Fox's footsteps still following me, and I pick up my pace even more, my heart hammering against my ribs.
I'm being ridiculous, I know—literally running away from a conversation—but I can't help it. I’ve continuously put myself out there, made myself vulnerable, and I keep getting knocked back down again. It’s humiliating, and I can’t take it anymore.
I’m not really surprised that Fox is following me. That's just who he is, but I wish he wouldn’t. I need space to breathe, to think. I break into a run.
I hear Fox yell my name, the confusion in his voice transforming into alarm.
I keep running, pushing myself harder when I realize he's chasing me. Of course he's faster than I am, and I can feel the distance between us closing with each pounding heartbeat. I force my legs to move quicker, lungs burning.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he shouts, frustration seeping into his voice.
“You don't have to follow me!” I shout over my shoulder, voice cracking even as I try to keep my tone light.
Then I hear it—not out loud, but inside my mind—his voice answering as clear as if he whispered in my ear: “I’ll always follow you. You’re mine.”
The sound is so shocking that I stumble over a root and nearly pitch forward into a patch of moss peeking out from beneath the snow. I’m so caught off guard that I answer in my head without consciously meaning to.
“I’m not yours.” The words form in my mind with a sharpness I didn't intend. “You never claimed me. How dare you call me yours now?”
A growl rips from Fox's throat behind me, so primal I feel it vibrate in my chest. His voice floods my mind again. “You can hear me.”