Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Travis
PRESENT DAY
One of my most resented flaws is keeping quiet. I kept quiet when my mother spoke out her mind about my life when I was in college, still quiet when Isabella told me it was over, and kept quiet a few minutes ago when Billy spewed out words that fueled me from the inside. Keeping quiet here and there.
I wanted to say something about what was going on. I wanted to shut it down as fast as it built up, but I didn’t have the guts to. To top it all off, Billy was saying things I didn’t know he was thinking and things I wish never to have reached Isabella. But what’s done is done.
The night sky hovers on top of us as I drive on the quiet street of Road Haven, and by my side, my best friend sits. I have Dan and Tyrone to thank for in a lot of ways, but not as much as I do with Billy. Every step of the way, he was there. And every time I turned my head, no matter which direction, he stood there.
He has every right to want to shield me from those dark times, but I’ve grown. From those moments, I’ve grown and I wish he understood that. I resented Isabella as much as he does now, but that was back when the wound was still fresh and had salt encircling it. Now, I believe I’m at peace with it. It occurred and caused me pain, but now it’s time to let go of it. And with Isabella back, it’s almost as if I never went through it all.
It’s pretty clear now who she is to me and what she does to me. She’s like the medicine of a disease she contaminated me with. The armor that shields me from a knife she herself has drawn. It’s crazy to even think that, but she is. She’s all of those things. The one who can save me, and the only one who can destroy me, all at once.
I don’t think there will be a time when I’ll peacefully live my life, thinking I don’t need her. I do, and it’s brutalizing.
As I take the last turn to his house, Billy clears his throat, claiming my attention. “What’s wrong with you?” he asks. “Why do you keep—” He stops.
“We’re just friends, Billy,” I say.
He scoffs.
“Whatever. I’m saying this to you because I care about you, okay? She’ll hurt you, and if it doesn’t happen now, it will happen another time, and you know that.”
My need for her does not equal wanting to live the darkest points of my life again. It’s more of me wanting to figure her out all over again because now it feels like I never did. I thought I had a round-up of who Isabella was in life, to her friends, and to me. But she’s still caved in a metal box she’s forged for herself. I want to know that girl, now more than ever.
“Let her,” I murmur.
“What?”
“Let her hurt me, Billy.” I pull up at his house and park right in front. The engine still runs, filling up the sudden silence in the car.
I turn towards him, my left hand still on the steering wheel while the other lies on my lap. “It’s pretty obvious I can’t keep my distance away from her, and even less, as I still care for her. I never said this to you, but thank you.” He sighs as he pulls back in his seat, underwhelmed.
“I’m grateful for having a brother like you and thankful for how solid you stayed by my side. And I know I sound stupid by saying this, but I don’t think I can cut her off.”
“You can’t get back together with her, Travis.”
“And I’m not going to. I’m just saying, you can’t expect me to be away from her when you of all people know how much I’ve craved for a time like this where I can face her about the pain she’d caused me.”
“I know,”
“So let me have that time.”
“But—”
“I can handle it. Trust me.”
“You were crawling on the floor, dammit.” He runs his fingers in his hair.
“Billy?” I call. “Have you loved someone to a point where no matter where she was to run off to, you were desperate enough to do whatever it took to get to her?”
He finally looks at me. Words don’t come out of his mouth, but by the look on his face alone, I can guess the answer to that. “Well, I have. And that same girl is back here with something I cherish more than anything. I can’t let her go again, man.” I continue.
“I know,” he murmurs.
“So, let me do this. It’s only fair I try. And also, please don’t speak to her the way you did back there ever again, okay? I don’t want to have to choose a side if things get out of hand. Because if it were to get to that, I’ll choose hers.”
“Fuck it. You’re a lost cause.” He gets out of the car, pouting like a kid.
He opens the door, eager to run to his house. “By the way, how did the deal go?” I ask before he disappears into the dark.
“I don’t have a dick plastered on my face, do I now?” he says before slamming the door behind him.
It was a simple bet among the four of us. You sign—you humiliate yourself one last time with a dick ink on your forehead the entire flight back to the airport. You don’t—you come back unscathed with the last bit of dignity in you, still intact. It honestly was a fair accord. But now, I’m starting to believe he’s rejecting these contracts solely to have that on his face.
The slam of the door wakes me up, and for a second, I regret how I handled the situation. But then a familiar ringtone overpowers me, shifting my attention. While looking for my phone, I am completely oblivious to whether Billy has entered his home.
It’s her. I’m still not used to her name reappearing on my screen, but it for sure feels awesome that it is.
My chest rises and the tension releases. It brings me back to the first time she ever called my phone. It’s crazy how much time has passed, but it feels like it never did at all. This is nothing. It’s just Isabella calling me with a red heart waltzing with her name and my palms sweating at the thought of speaking to her. It’s all good.
“Are you already home?” I quickly ask the second I hit the green button.
The line stays silent, leaving me astray. I take another deep breath.
“Did ya mish me?” she slurs.
“What?”
“Did you miss me? Even after how I ended things, did you miss me?” she yells this time. A hubbub surrounding her overthrows her voice, and I focus on it.
“Where are you?” I ask. Before she even answers, I turn my keys and start the car. I quickly place the phone on the dashboard, getting off of Billy’s pavement.
“I’m at the bar. But I’m not?—”
“I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone, blocking her from saying more.
Thankfully, I’m not so far away from the bar. I thank Billy for that. Back then, when he told me he had bought his current home, I immediately jumped to the reason being the five-minute distance away from his one pure joy. Alcohol. But now, I couldn’t be more grateful for his decision.
I quickly find my way inside and as soon as I step foot in, the loud music welcomes me. Every week, it’s the same songs, the same drunken people, and the same filth, but today she’s also here. At the far end of the bar, pressed on the window, she sits there. My eyes keep focus on her and I realize how awfully I had missed seeing her this free and unbothered.
I rush toward her, oblivious to my surroundings. I honestly couldn’t care less about who was in this bar, munching over their sadness, as long as I got to her. “What are you doing here? I thought you went home.” I wrap my left arm around her seat and reach for her hand with the other. Just as she appears to be following my request to let me lift her, a sudden dry cough catches me off guard.
“Oh, hey Colin, James.” They sit with their arms crossed, staring at me. “You didn’t tell me you were here with them,” I whisper to Isabella, then turn to face the boys once again.
“I was about to, but then you hung up the phone so fast.” She says out loud.
“Well then, I’ll leave you guys alone. Sorry to have interrupted. I didn’t know you had company.” I attempt to escape this—whatever this is.
“No, wait. Could you maybe take her back home? Colin and I have something to do, and dragging along a tipsy Isabella is no fun.”
“What?” Colin’s eyes widen at James’ words as he faces him. To his end, James sends back the same look. “Yes. What he said,” he corrects himself.
I put my head down, hiding the smirk on my face. These two are the most unfiltered people I know, which makes all their intentions as clear as day.
“I—But I—” I go on a marathon looking from one side to the other, basically having a stroke. It’s not that I don’t want to take her home, I was already going to do that, but for them to be pushing her towards me only makes me fear a certain pattern.
“Please, we’ll owe you big time,” James says before chugging on the last sip of his beer.
Colin’s head spins to his friend. “Who’s we?” he asks. James shrugs and I lose the battle as I chuckle.
Isabella groans, her body shifting in her seat, all clingy. Her hands roam around on mine, and its touch reminds me of a time. “What are you two doing? I thought we were talking?” she asks, slowly leaving us.
“You’re the one who called him stupid. Now bear the consequences.” James hisses.
I look down at her, and she rolls her eyes. Her cheeks flash red and her lips purse at her friend’s remark. An electric pinch holds my heart captive as I look at her and it reminds me of why I fell for her. It was more than her character or her looks. It was also the way she looked at her friends whenever they were around her and how her lips reacted to various situations presented before her. And today, I’ve discovered an additional reason as to why there can’t be anyone else but her.
I’ve never seen Isabella jug a drink before. Ever. When we dated, she forbade me to drink in front of her or even mention doing so. So, of course, something new is being shown to me right now. A crapulous Isabella.
James gets up first. “See you tomorrow, Isa. Be a good girl,” he says. Colin follows, an unpleasant look on his face at the thought of leaving early.
It doesn’t take long before I find myself alone with Isabella. Her lashes batter, slowly closing her eyes.
“Come on, get up. Let’s go.” I reach for her shoulders, trying my best to keep a safe distance between us. My walls are already crumbling and the last thing I want right now is for her to notice that.
She battles me, shimmering away from my grip. At least she’s up from the chair. Her eyes barely keep her keen as she raises her head and stares at me for what seems to be the longest minute of my life.
“What is it? Do I have something on my face?”
She sighs. “I’ve been meaning to ask. What’s with the black hair?”
I lift my eyebrows. “Why did you dye it?” Her voice sinks, inviting a sudden change of temperament between us.
“I loved your golden hair.” She runs her hands in my hair, barely standing on her two feet. “It made you look elusive and now…”
I stay silent, pretty curious about what’s coming next.
“You look irresistible.” Her fingers continue to run through my hair and even though it further ignites a feeling dug up from the grave, I regain control and start dragging her out of the bar. There are so many eyes here and by how drunk she is, I don’t know what to expect.
As we step foot out of the door, the music fades and she swings her arm, removing it from my shoulders. Her feet betray her and a second later, she dashes forward, falling to the ground.
“Isabella!” I yell. Her face encounters the ground, making her look bleak and hurt from my standpoint. “Are you okay?” I ask, reaching for her upper arms to lift her back to her feet, which seems to become a struggle as she glues herself to the floor, withstanding my attempt.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. The words grit under her teeth and are barely audible, but then a heavy sigh follows. “Don’t I look stupid?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You.” I feel her breath on my skin, as well as her intoxicant puff dominating my nostrils. “Look at me.” Her fingers drag my chin closer to hers.
I’m kneeling on the floor, inches away from her, and all I can think about is how little I know about her as an adult. I once thought I would live to see her every move in life and see her grow to become the wonderful woman she is now. Who would’ve thought I’d be one of those strangers who only see the facade of her existence and know nothing of how she came to be?
“You’ve grown up. Your hair is black now, you have your own house, a job you enjoy, friends around you, this town,” she begins. My lips part as I engage to say something. “And you’ve moved on while I’m still lost.” She crosses me. “I left this place to find myself and now I’m back here, still clueless of who I am, with nothing but regrets.”
Regrets!
I sigh at that word, forming a meaning to it in my head. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but one thing I’m aware of is that you’re Isabella Kirby.”
She backs up from my face and chuckles. Her body lurches as she’s still drunk and weakened. “Right in front of me, I see her. The most captivating woman I’ve ever set eyes upon, and the most ambitious woman one could look for. She’s strong, restless but full of vigor. Her eyes dim with a smile whenever she compares herself to others, and then become the brightest whenever her headphones are on blasting tracks I once never heard of. Isabella Kirby is the same girl who’s still finding herself while juggling her battles and regrets, and though those might seem weak, they’re what makes her who she is. They’re what makes you who you are.”
“None of that is me.” She wails as she gets up from the floor. “That’s not me.” Her feet trail one after the other on the pavement, strolling away.
“Then who are you?” I yell after her.
“I’m the one who hurt you. The one who leaves. The one who prepares to be right in every situation, even though she knows she can’t be. I’m not your Isabella.” She hits her chest multiple times. “This is who I am.” Again and again, she strikes her chest, above her heart. “Undeserving and…” A tear flows down her right cheek.
“Who says you’re not my Isabella?” I ask. “What makes you different from her?” I approach her, bitterness building in my system. “What in the world makes you believe you’re any different from the girl I had fallen for?” I close the gap between us. “You are her and you’ll forever be her. Back then, your laugh was like music to my ears and your words framed me to become who I am today. You. The girl you’re trying so hard to neglect also cared for me more than she could admit, even when she said words like ‘ love’ and ‘forever ’.” My fingers graze her naked arms and she flinches.
“Stop,” she whimpers.
“Tell me,” I whisper. “Tell me one reason I should consider my Isabella to be no more existent.” I trace her skin in the most gentle way possible, still while closing my gaze on hers. And just as I expected, her lips react to the touch. She drags them inwards, straightening them in a thin line and her eyes widen.
“One reason,” I insist.
“Travis, please,” her breath falls short.
“One,” I repeat.
“She hurt you.”
Before I know it, my hands have reached her waist and I pull her closer. Her cheeks redden even more and it reminds me she’s drunk. “And? People hurt all the time.” I ignore her reason.
“She made you cry,” she adds.
“I cry all the time. I’m a crybaby, really, so that’s not your fault.”
“I left,” she finally addresses herself and I fight a smile.
“And you came back, didn’t you?”
I don’t think she’s ever shed light to me about how she felt about herself. Not until now. I always believed she was confident in everything she did and could never fall from the top. I knew she had issues concerning college and our times together, but I never thought they were this profound. Whatever life she’s held up to this point, I want to be there to tell her it was perfectly okay.
I couldn’t back then, and that rusted my insides. This is like a second chance. A second chance to right my wrongs and do what I failed to do back then. Be there for her. I didn’t see it before because of my contemplation, but after witnessing things unwind right in front of me, I finally got it. It was never about me. It was always about her and whatever she was trying to keep dear to herself.
All these years, I wanted answers, making me more poignant to get to the bottom of things. Tonight, I have that answer. Now I want the truth.
“I—” she begins and I interject her voice as I grab her wrist. Her breath falls short out of shock and I hold on to her.
“You’re here. Right in front of me, so there’s no reason for me to ignore you, correct?”
“Travis,”
“Even though you ripped my heart out like it was yours to rip, I never hated you. Because it was. I fucking loved you, Isabella. You. No one could make me feel like the way you did and even though that means nothing to you, it means a lot to me. Your presence in my life shaped me and I…” I grab her chin, pulling her forward towards me and I realize. I’m done fighting my feelings. “You know what? I won’t do this over again, Isabella,” I say.
Her head falls to face the ground and gloom dresses her demeanor. “I know,”
I raise it back up and look deep into her eyes. “No, you don’t.” I take a deep breath as I know what I’m about to do next will change everything and make me look like a fool. But I don’t care. I must do what my heart tells me to do.
“I won’t let you go again,” I murmur in a rush before crashing my lips onto hers.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m home.