Chapter 21 #2
“Gods, are you always this damn stubborn?” He finally looked up at me with glossed over eyes. No tears were falling, but I suspected that they would be soon.
I tapped my chin in false contemplation. “Yeah, I can be.”
He scoffed. “I’m not talking about this with you.”
“And why not?”
Neglecting me an answer, he reiterated his question from before. “What do you want from me, Maeve?”
How did I answer that? There was so much I wanted from him.
I wanted him to open up to me—to tell me the things about him that he thought I didn't want to know.
I wanted him to tell me about his trauma—I could handle it.
I wanted to know what book he was currently reading, and which was the worst that he'd ever read.
I wanted him to desire me in the same way I desired him.
For him to crave my touch on his skin in the way I craved his.
I wanted him to kiss me passionately and to never stop.
I wanted every single thing that he had to offer.
“Do you want me to split myself open like a journal and spill you all the deep, dark secrets that are written in smudged ink? Do you want me to cry on your shoulder and be all, woe is me? Do you want to sit there and watch me throw a damn pity party over my life?”
“If that's what you need, then sure.” It was what he needed, but I wasn’t sure he realized that.
Sebastian’s eyes widened, as if he was surprised that I would actually want him to confide in me. “Well I’m not going to do that,” he snarled, dismissing my gaze and looking back at his desk.
I was beginning to think Sawyer was right. There was no getting through to him while he felt like this. Maybe it wasn't really my place, anyway. Plus, he was kind of being an ass. Not that it surprised me.
My teeth scraped against my lip. “I’ll go,” I said with a shrug of defeat. I really thought I could help him.
The doorknob was already in my clutch when he spoke.
“I'm sorry. Don’t go.”
My heel revolved to see him standing next to the desk.
Only a few feet separated our bodies, but I felt so distant from him.
Amidst the turmoil in the room, I’d almost forgotten about his lack of clothing.
I lost control of my eyes as they wandered to his chest, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to prevent my mouth from going slack.
Who gave him the damn right to look so good?
Gaining control of my vision, I focused my attention back to his face. He looked so broken, and I would do anything to fix it.
“I don't know what Sawyer told you, but I'm sure it's more than I was hoping you’d ever find out.”
I moved towards him, stopping only inches from where he stood.
“You're a good person, Seb. I don't think there's anything you have done, or could do, that would make me think less of you.” If you had asked me that a few months ago, my answer would have been very different, but today, I meant what I’d said.
“I am not a good person.” Sebastian bent his neck back, turning his head towards the ceiling. I could tell he was trying not to break down.
“Talk to me. You can tell me anything you need. I can handle it. I’m not going to run my mouth about it, either. Whatever you say, I’ll keep between us.” I pleaded my last attempt at getting him to open up.
With a quiver of his jaw, he at last stopped fighting his emotions and let himself lose control. “Fuck!” he shouted, weaving his hands through his hair and spinning so I couldn't see the tears flowing from his eyes, though he was too late.
He stormed to the window and placed his hands on the sill, bowing his neck down. The angle he created with his spine made the muscles of his back go rigid. I watched his figure quake and I’d never felt more useless.
“I’m a soldier, for the love of the gods!” he yelled. “Killing is part of the damn job. It shouldn’t get to me like this. Not anymore. Not after everything I’ve done.” He looked over his shoulder, and I recognized the look on his face as one of panic.
He turned to face me, leaning back against the window as I approached him. His hands were static on the sill, making his biceps unintentionally flex. I placed a hand on top of his, attempting to offer him some comfort.
“You can’t blame yourself for the things you did to protect yourself. At the time, they were the only way you knew how to keep yourself safe,” I told him.
He lowered his neck and blinked away the stray tears from his eyes. His lip quivered slightly as he stared at me, no longer caring that I could see his sadness.
I know it killed him inside for me to be there while he was so vulnerable, and seeing him like this hurt me more than I’d ever imagined it could. I had to fight my own eyes from producing tears.
“Those things were not your fault.” My voice choked, but I held myself together for him.
The calmness returned to his skin. He wiped his eyes and said while shaking his head, “You don’t know the half of it.”
“I don't need to. Not unless you want me to.” My hand slid up his arm, my finger lingering near his elbow, studying a line of raised skin running across it. I flicked my eyes towards the rough edged scar that bisected through his elbow.
“I got that when my mother died.” He twisted his arm to give me a better look. “I tried to stop Beaumont from killing her.”
Five-year-old Sebastian trying to save his mother’s life, and in return being sliced open like that—I choked down the horrific thought.
Five. Years. Old.
“Still want to know everything?” he asked in response to the pallor that had appeared on my face.
I moved my gaze back to his face and granted him a soft smile. “Yes.” His past didn't scare me.
My fingertips felt the tension in his body ease with my answer.
He captivated my gaze, so deeply, so immersed in me, that it prevented me from looking anywhere besides at him.
The closeness of his body sent my senses into overdrive and created feelings inside of me that were very much inappropriate at this moment in time.
His eyes glimmered with the same desire that mine did, and my blood warmed as his gaze moved to my mouth. He grazed a finger along my waist, silently dragging me closer to him. I parted my lips ever so slightly, longing to feel his crashing against them.
It was at that moment when I realized what Sawyer told me was true.
I had feelings for Sebastian, and he had them for me, as well.
Whether his feelings for me were pure lust or if they entailed something more, I didn't know.
Though right now, it didn't matter. The closeness of his body to my breath.
The way his gaze lingered on my blushing lips.
I didn't care what he wanted me for—as long as he wanted me.
There was a joint understanding of the tension that encapsulated the room.
“Maeve,” Sebastian whispered my name, seducing me with the roughness of his voice.
“Yes?” My response was almost too breathy to be heard.
“I'm not good enough for you.”
“That's not true.”
“I’ll hurt you.”
“No, you won't.”
“What if I do?”
“I don’t care.”
He leaned forwards, dipping his head to make it level with mine. He took my hands in his, pulling them up to rest on his shoulders. My fingertips roamed the back of his neck, and I didn't have time to think before his lips brushed gently against mine, teasing a kiss.
The faint touch sent a rush of sensation straight to my core, but before either of us could deepen the contact into a true kiss, I pulled away from him.
I wanted him more than anything in the world, but not like this.
Not when his emotions were in such disarray that it was unknown if he was even thinking clearly. Now was not the right time.
I shook my head subtly, and he released a breath as he straightened his posture. “I know,” he murmured, as though he could read my thoughts.
My lips smiled gently and his did the same, although his face was still laced with traces of sadness.
“I should go,” I squeaked out, shuffling a step back from him. I had a feeling he’d be okay with me breaking the rules and walking back to the dormitory on my own.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, and didn't argue my leaving as he removed his hand from my waist.
“I assume that I’ll be seeing you tonight for our wielding session?” I asked, putting air quotes around the tail end of my sentence. He knew as well as I did that I needed a night off after the week I’d had with Sawyer.
He nodded in reply, then I backed out of his room. I didn’t break my attention from him until he turned from me to return to his desk.
I closed the door and pressed my back against it, shutting my eyes and releasing a puff of passion filled breath from deep within my chest.
When I blinked my vision open, I was met by Pia’s cheesy grin and Kohen’s suspicious brows.
“Not what you’re thinking,” I shot her assumption down.
She scowled. “Damn it.”