Chapter 38 #2
I took another breath, then nodded to give him the go ahead.
“To start, it's not as bad as it looks. Her elbow is busted open. There's exposed bone and it's a pretty gnarly gash, but Pia closed it up enough so that it stopped bleeding.”
Sawyer's expression changed as he continued.
“Her breathing is fucked. One of those assholes collapsed her lung.
We were going to bring her to the infirmary, but since I didn't know what was really going on down there, we held off. I think that was the right call anyway—Pia worked on that first and her breathing seems more normal now.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
“Her face looks worse than it really is, I think.
There were pieces of skin hanging but Pia got them to scab up pretty good—she doesn't even think it will leave a scar.
She's working on reducing the swelling now. She definitely has a gnarly concussion though, but Pia should be able to help that at least a little bit.”
Thank the gods.
“Overall, Maeve should be fine. But Seb, that was close…too close. We shouldn't have left—”
I cut him off. “Don't tell me that we shouldn't have left her,” I snarled, emphasizing each word. “Don’t you think I fucking know that I shouldn’t have left her?” I slammed my fist into the stone wall. “FUCK.”
I put my back against the wall, sliding down it and supporting my arms on my knees, sinking my head between them. My knuckles bled and ached as I shook my head, scoffing to myself.
This is what I had been worried about. I let myself care too much. I cared about her more than I ever planned to, more than I should.
She didn't believe me, but I was no good for her. The things I just did to those men down there, without showing an ounce of mercy—the things I've done to others before them—if she saw that side of me then she would understand.
Sawyer sat down next to me, ignoring my outburst. “She's gonna be fine, Seb, really.”
My fingers tangled into my hair. “I know, I know, I just—”
“What?”
I looked up at Sawyer. “I just brutally executed two men for her, and I don't have an ounce of remorse.
None at all. That's never happened to me before.” I always felt a twinge or pain with each life I took, no matter the circumstances.
But not this time. If anything, I felt overjoyed knowing the assholes were dead.
“The fuckers had it coming.”
“I know they did. They deserved even more for what they did to her. It's just the fact that I did it so easily…So relentlessly.”
There was nothing I wouldn't do for her. Absolutely nothing.
“I slit their throats and watched them bleed out.” I said quietly, staring at Sawyer, who didn't so much as blink. “I crushed Lucan's skull with my boot after he was already dead. Just because.”
Sawyer shuffled a little, but still did not respond.
“I would do it time and time again if I had to. The extent I would go to keep her safe is fucking terrifying,” I confessed, although I didn’t know why I said it out loud, especially to Sawyer who had been a damn ghost lately.
“That's love, man.” Kohen's soft spoken voice appeared. “I’d do the same for Pia. And both of you idiots, too, if I had to.”
I didn’t even hear him join us. How long had he been out here?
My head shook, trying to deny his claim, but he was right. I fucking loved her. I loved her more than anything in our realm or beyond the veil. I just wanted to be able to love her in the way that she deserved. There was too much she didn't know about me. Too much I hadn't told her.
“She’ll hate me when she sees who I really am. I've been telling her that for months…I’ll ruin her. I can't love her in the way she wants me to. I—” My voice trailed off as I rambled. I was too fired up right now and divulging more than I typically liked to share.
Sawyer put his hand on my shoulder. “Yes, you can. You just won't let yourself.”
I raised an eyebrow and glanced between the two of them.
“You won’t hurt her,” Kohen chimed in. “You may hurt others for her, but you won't hurt her. Not intentionally, at least. You're better than that.”
Sawyer nodded in agreement as he rose to his feet. “I know you're in love with her, and whether or not you're ready to admit that to yourself is on you. But she almost died tonight, and you should take that as a sign from the gods to tell her.”
How were they being so rational about this? Was I just overly emotional right now? “How do you guys act like it doesn't bother you? The way killing has changed you?”
“Now probably isn't the right time to get into this, Seb. You have a lot on your mind and Maeve needs you in there,” Sawyer said, angling a thumb towards the door.
“I mean, there's no way it hasn't affected you. Am I just really shitty at hiding it?” I replied, ignoring his suggestion.
“I don't look at it the way that you do, I guess. The way I see it, I'm just protecting the ones I care about and the kingdom. It's just part of the job,” Kohen said. “I don't think about it as deeply.”
I turned to Sawyer who shrugged. “I don't know, man. Maybe it's easier because I haven't been forced into killing since I was a kid.”
Kohen's jaw went slack at the brash remark, but I couldn't help but let out a snort of laughter. That was the Sawyer I'd missed.
He smiled at me, pulling me into a one-armed hug. “You're too hard on yourself, man. Just let yourself be fucking happy. You deserve it, whether you believe that or not. You just killed two men for her—if that’s not honorable as fuck, then I don’t know what is.”
“You and I have very different definitions of honorable.”
Kohen replaced Sawyer's embrace, patting my back. “You know, I hate when I have to admit this, but Sawyer is right.” He pulled away. “Regardless, you should really be in there with her. She’s going to want to see you when she wakes up.”
Right. Time to stop my damn pity party. I blew out a breath, then rose and marched into the room to be with the woman I loved.