Chapter 40 Garrick
Garrick
‘Ripley, I …’ I feel myself distancing us by using that name. ‘I’m happy you’re OK. Really.’ There’s no life in my voice as I force my words to come out.
‘Why do you need to emphasize really?’ Her guard is slamming up, eyes darting back and forth, trying to read me.
‘Ripley, let’s not.’ I look just past her ear, so I don’t have to meet her stare. I can’t. I’m protecting us both.
‘Let’s, Garrick. Why do you need to emphasize really?’ The shake in her voice could be attributed to the post-surgery recovery, but I know that’s not it. I feel the same quiver in my own throat.
I cringe like I’m the one that just went under the knife. ‘I – we can talk when you get home.’ Whatever’s been going on between us these last few weeks needs to end, but I’m not going to do that in a freaking hospital room.
‘No, I want you to talk now.’ A hospital bed is a place of rest and healing, not whatever this conversation is turning into, but Ripley is not one to just let things go.
‘Ripley …’ Pain radiates in my gut and I wonder for half a second if appendicitis is contagious.
‘Come on, Garrick.’ A harshness seeps into her already rough tone. I deserve that. ‘I know you’re never at a loss for words, so don’t go all silent on me now.’
Glancing over to where Ms Ripley is still asleep, I sigh heavily. ‘You’re recovering from surgery. Get some rest and we can talk when you get home.’
Ripley is logical above all else – she’ll understand that us breaking things off now is for the best, to keep us from getting hurt. It’s just the current location might make it hard to think rationally.
The crushing weight of the sentence we both know is coming dawns on her pale features. ‘You’re breaking up with me?’
She said it first, good, maybe it won’t hurt as much if she sees the truth herself. She didn’t want this anyway – neither of us did. So how come the end of whatever this is feels like it might crush me from the inside out?
I open and close my mouth a few times, choking on the heaviness in the air. ‘We weren’t really official.’
Lie, lie, lie. We were everything. But when you make something your whole world, the loss of it is endless.
‘Sure, yeah.’ She blinks up at the ceiling.
My eyes sting with tears. Good thing she can’t see them in the dark. ‘Ripley, I didn’t want to do this now.’
She doesn’t look at me. It cuts deep into my skin, my nerves burning and then numbing. I just want to make it better. But I can’t, not right now. She’ll see, eventually, that this was my way of saving her.
She brushes moisture from her cheek. ‘Well, now it’s done, so you don’t need to say it again.’
My hands ache as I squeeze them into fists to keep from reaching for her. I’m sorry, I take it back – the words scream in my brain, banging against my teeth to be let out. I taste blood as I bite my tongue.
I just didn’t realize how deep I’d let myself fall under the spell of infatuation – love, someone else might say – but in that moment she was lying on the ground I saw with total clarity how much of my heart I’d given to Ripley, and I knew I had to get out while I still could.
Images plagued me, bombarding my brain as I sat and watched her sleep.
It was like seeing Mom lying there all over again.
I couldn’t separate the two, as much as I wanted to.
Even though I knew they would have vastly different outcomes, all I could think was how wrecked I’d be if something happened to Juliet.
We barely got to know each other, and it was already ripping me up inside. Imagine if I let it go any further.
I couldn’t do it.
It’s better for both of us to end things now. Give it time, and we will see that it is the right thing to do.
‘I …’ I start, not knowing where I’m going to go. The words lodge in my esophagus. But she said exactly what I was thinking, so clearly she must be feeling the same thing.
She turns away. ‘Just go, Garrick.’
My feet squeak on the linoleum as I stand, hesitating briefly. I reach for her, wanting one last time to feel her touch. But instead I walk out the door without another word.
A nefarious beast has made my stomach its home.
I want to vomit as it goes on a rampage when I leave the hospital in the wee dawn hours.
Ivor went home after we knew Ripley was OK.
He said I could call him to pick me up when I wanted to get back to FTG.
But after what I’ve done, I can’t look at him. I don’t even want to look at myself.
But were Ripley and I even together? We never said anything about being a couple, so could we actually break up?
That’s what I attempt to convince myself of as I walk home in weather that turns icy and wet the closer I get to FTG.
I try to come up with an excuse that doesn’t mean I am a complete jerk who broke up with a girl in her hospital room.
But no matter how I twist it, that’s precisely what I did.
The guilt eating away at my insides won’t let me off the hook.
I move like a ghost through the back lot, somehow finding my way to the main building to get ready for today’s shoot.
Tristian stares at the side of my face from the chair next to me in hair and make-up.
Pierre is expertly covering up dark half-moons to hide that I haven’t been to bed.
This is not the first time he’s had to make me look less like the undead, so he’s used to it.
But Pierre and Tristian keep exchanging knowing glances in the mirror, and it’s pissing me off.
‘What?’ I snap when they do it for the tenth time. Barking out in anger is so unlike me, they both flinch. Instinct surges to make a joke, crack a smile to lessen the obvious tension. But I can’t muster any of it.
Then Tristian clears his throat. ‘Are you OK, G?’
‘I’m fine,’ I say way too quickly to be convincing.
‘I know that everything with Ripley must have been … a lot.’
I dig my knuckles into my jeans, rubbing up and down my leg.
‘She’s going to be fine. The doctors said she did great.
’ I repeat the words the nurse told me in a monotone voice.
I worry if I put too much emotion into the sentences, I won’t be able to hide that I’m breaking inside.
I can’t explain it to Tristian because I can’t even explain it to myself.
Like, am I upset because I know I hurt Ripley, even if it was the right thing?
Or am I devastated that I just wasted a chance at something I might have loved?
Tristian’s face, so unlike mine yet exactly the same, looks pinched as he frowns. ‘I’m glad to hear it, man, really. Still, if you need me to talk to Dad and get the show postponed –’
‘No.’ I stand so fast that Pierre drops the make-up on the floor. ‘Sorry,’ I mumble, leaning down to pick it up for him. I straighten, placing the items carefully on the counter. ‘The show must go on. Let’s just get it over with.’
‘If you’re sure.’
When this started, I didn’t think I was going to find a girl I wanted to date, but then I did – and it was wonderful, and it sucked and made me want to throw up all at the same time.
I just want to go to my room and put my headphones on so I can be lost in a video game where I don’t have to think about any of this again.
‘How is she?’ Nathan stops me when I get outside on my way to set.
‘What?’ I blink at him.
‘Ripley? I called her this morning, but she didn’t answer. Just sent a text saying she’s healing but tired.’
‘Oh, yeah, no, she’s good. I mean – the pain meds are helping, I’m sure.’
Nathan’s shoulders relax, and he nods. ‘OK, good. I’m glad you were there with her at least.’
Nausea rolls through me, bile burning my throat. ‘I have to get to –’ I don’t finish the sentence before walking away. Apparently, Ripley hasn’t told them about our break-up. I don’t want to say it out loud again, but I can’t just stand there and lie to her friends’ faces.
Today is the seventh elimination. Without Ripley here, it’s bizarre.
I’m used to looking behind the camera and seeing her doing a terrible job hiding her emotions about this whole thing.
Everyone on set seems genuinely invested in this true love match.
So, I could never express how I really felt.
But when I saw Ripley, it was like someone was on my team.
The episode tonight will be a skinny one since we didn’t get to finish the date yesterday – at least I didn’t.
They managed to string the scenes together when I was there and mix in the girls finishing it.
I want to say I don’t care, but I know that FTG needs this to work.
It’s the only reason I’m here right now, when it would’ve been much easier to give up.
Before I eliminate the last girl leading up to the final, we film one quick scene.
It’s the extra airtime Ripley promised Desiree.
I almost tell Desiree that she doesn’t have leverage any more because Ripley and I aren’t going to be found kissing in the break room, but I do what I’m usually terrible at and keep my mouth shut.
Desiree clasps my hand in a vice grip that is supposed to be reassuring.
‘I just want to say –’ she lets a crack seep into her words as the camera pushes in on her face – ‘whatever happens today, I’ve had the best time getting to know you.
And just know that you’ve changed my life in the most extraordinary way possible.
’ She flings her arms around me, and we embrace in a hug that feels like it will suffocate me.
The chat goes on a little longer to fill in that empty space from yesterday, then it’s off to send a girl home. We made sure this elimination was a shocker. That’s why Arianna is eliminated. Most people thought we’d be perfect together, but that makes the final more exciting.
Desiree and Ellie are the last two standing, and it’s anyone’s guess who I’ll pick as my Beeloved.
I wish I could say the elimination was the last thing required of me today, but sadly it’s not. We’ve got a New Year’s Eve date later tonight.
I know Ripley is only one person, but without her everything feels unsettled. I’m trying my best to look like I don’t care. But I don’t know how well it’s coming off.
‘Great job,’ Hassan says. Guess I am faking it just fine. ‘We’re getting fab social media traction for the upcoming grand finale. People are sooo hyped. Way to go.’ No one else seems at all bothered by Ripley’s absence. Other than Ms Ripley, who didn’t come in to work today.
‘Yeah,’ Brett says from the edge of the Jousting Horses. ‘You seemed way more focused today. Whatever’s been distracting you must have finally gone away.’
It’s like a thousand bees are buzzing in my ears. An odd sensation of fire ripping through my veins surges through me. ‘You know, Brett, if you weren’t such a –’
‘Garrick!’ Aldrich comes out of nowhere and hooks an arm around my neck, spinning me away from my target. ‘Dad needs to see you.’
‘I have something I need to handle first.’ I try to yank away from him, but somehow, my little brother got surprisingly strong in the last month.
‘Nope, you don’t,’ he whispers, tugging me toward the back lot.
‘Dude, what the heck? I was just trying to have a conversation with Brett about politeness.’
‘That is so not what your face said you were going to do.’ He lets go of me when everyone is out of sight and we duck past the golden apple tree and enter backstage.
I brush a hand over my face. ‘No, you’re right. It’s been a day.’
‘I could tell, and I hate to add to it, but Dad really did need to see you.’ He offers a sympathetic grimace.
‘Thanks.’
A year ago, I may have thought Dad wanting a chat was a bad thing, but I think it might be OK.
‘Garrick, come on in.’ Dad smiles as I head into his office.
Seems promising enough. ‘What’s up?’ I shove my hands into my pockets, grinding my jaw in case the bad news comes to run me over.
‘I just wanted to inform you how well the show has done for the promo of Fairytale Gardens. We have had record pre-sales for next season, and we’ve already surpassed any year we’ve had since opening.
You were right, son. This was a good idea.
As of now, we can put the layoffs on hold.
We might even be able to do the fencing camp you suggested. ’
A heaviness I’ve felt on my chest since I saw Ripley collapse lightens, my breath finally coming in fully. Even in my funky mood, the praise shocks my system. I rub the back of my neck, not sure what to say. ‘Uh, thanks, Dad. I’m glad it worked out.’
And I am glad. I wanted to help the park. And I’ve done just that. So, as long as I don’t manage to screw it up in the next episode, everything should be good. But somehow it doesn’t have the satisfying feeling I was hoping for.