Chapter Fourteen #4
Theo’s right hand cupped her cheek, its tremor nearly perfectly stilled against her skin.
“I love you, Audrey,” he said again, his voice stronger, deeper, rumbling in his throat with conviction.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve said terrible things, and I’ve left other things unsaid, and I regret it.
I regret all of it. But I don’t ever want to regret anything with you.
“I could die at any second. I almost did once, and for all I know, I could have an aneurysm right now. And if I went to my grave without telling you how I feel, I’d be tormented with regret and despair for eternity in whatever awaits us when we’re gone.”
He rolled his jaw, pressing his lips together, and his eyes softened as he looked at her. His brows were still furrowed slightly, as if he couldn’t help but be concerned about what he was saying right now, but couldn’t stop himself regardless.
“The last thing I ever said to my dad was awful—and then I had to watch him die, maybe even because of it. I’ve been blaming myself for it ever since.
I can’t even begin to convey to you how much pain I’ve felt—how much I still feel, in my body, my heart, my mind.
My soul maybe, if there is such a thing.
” He shook his head. “I was thinking of ending it before we met, just to make the ache go away. Everywhere, everything, every part of me hurt so much, I didn’t think I’d ever feel anything but that pain.
And part of me thought I deserved it. There’s still a darker part of me that thinks that.
“But you? You’ve been such a light in that darkness for me.
You reminded me that life can be good. That it can be sweet.
That I can still smile.” The corners of his lips tilted up at her now, hopeful and soft.
“Knowing you now makes me proud that I kept going—that I’m still here, that I’m still trying.
You make me want to get better. I’m not even sure I deserve you, but you make me want to be better, because you do deserve someone whole.
And I want that someone to be me.” His fingers curled around her waist and around the back of her neck.
“I’m not whole right now, but I want to be. ”
She was glad he was holding her steady.
She needed him to.
“None of this is how I thought tonight would go, sweetheart, and I’m sorry you had to see it.
I’m so sorry. It’s not what I had planned.
And I wasn’t going to tell you all this.
Not today.” He closed his eyes and sighed, his chin falling to his chest in sudden resignation.
“You don’t have to say anything back. I know it might be too soon, but you might as well know how I feel.
I owe you that much, especially since I already know it.
And I don’t want to regret not saying it, even if you don’t feel the same way.
I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t. Not now. Not after everything.”
Theo drew in a deep breath. And when he let it out, it shook, but this time in relief—as though a massive weight had been lifted from his broad chest.
They sat there together, the only sound the hissing water of the shower drumming down around them, the weight of his words still echoing against the tile.
Then he blinked.
His eyes widened.
Theo looked around at where they were, and he finally seemed to realize the particulars of their predicament. It was almost as though he’d been so out of his mind, so outside of reality, he’d forgotten.
“Oh shit,” he breathed, panic immediately crashing across his face.
“Oh.” His gaze dropped down to her breasts, and then to the chair they sat in together.
“Audrey, you—you’re…you’re so beautiful, and I—oh god.
Uh, Audrey, I, uh…” His breathing quickened again.
The panic was hitting in full force now.
“Oh fuck. Oh FUCK ME. I just confessed that I love you in my goddamn shower chair, oh no, you have got to be kidding me.”
“Theo…”
“You’re naked. You’re naked, and I’m naked, and you’re so fucking beautiful—and I’m in my shower chair—and I hate this fucking thing but I was shaking too bad and my legs felt weak and I didn’t want to slip and die in here today but I didn’t know what else I could do and I had to wash off the words I said so I tried to burn them away with the hot water and how long have I been in here?
But now you’re here too and I just told you I love you, and—” Somehow, he managed to pale under the warm water of the shower.
“And you saw my fight with my mother, OH GOD.”
“Theo—”
“YOU SAW AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING AND THEN I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU.” He ripped his hands away from her and covered his face with them again, throwing his head back under the water. “It’s too soon, isn’t it?!” he groaned through his fingers. “This is my worst nightmare. I’ve ruined everything. I—”
“THEO.”
Audrey grabbed his wrists and yanked them away from his face, dropping them so she could dig her nails under his jaw. “Breathe.”
As soon as he felt the tiny pinpricks of pain, he snapped his gaze down to meet hers—and slowly drew in a deep breath.
“Whoever said this would be too soon?” Her voice was even when she asked the question.
“What?” He blinked and frowned at her in confusion.
“Who made that rule?”
“What rule?”
“The one dictating when you can tell me that you love me.”
“I…don’t know?”
“Was it a committee decision?” She bit her lip to stop herself from grinning. “Is there a governing body I don’t know about? Some sort of love council? An academy, maybe?”
He blinked at her again, flinching as the water ran into his eyes, apparently mystified by her sudden line of questioning. “It just seems that everyone thinks you shouldn’t say it…early.”
“And who is everyone?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“And who said this is ‘early’?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, that’s stupid.” Audrey pulled his face closer to hers as she echoed his own words from weeks ago back to him. “Especially because I love you too, Theo.”
It ached when the words left her lips. Not from the heaviness of them.
From relief.
She’d been carrying them around in her heart for so long now, the hole they left behind from her unburdening was a vacuum that sucked all the air out from her lungs. Until it was replaced with a new, blossoming warmth from the molten look in Theo’s widening eyes.
Now it was his turn to stop breathing.
“You love me too?” he whispered into her hair.
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
He held his breath as she grabbed his face with her hands and dragged his mouth to hers, hungry and desperate now that their truths had been revealed.
He clutched frantically at her slick skin, slipping and scrabbling while he tried to cling to her, pulling her as close as he could, almost as though he wanted to press her directly into his heart itself.
“Am I—am I dreaming right now?” He sounded like he could hardly breathe. “Is this real?”
“You’re not dreaming. It’s real.” She beamed at him, unable to contain the feeling. “I love you too.”
That was it.
That was what did it.
For all that he’d been still and unmoving earlier, Theo made up for it now.
He was a man unleashed, pushed to his breaking, undone and unbridled, and Audrey gave herself over to him, his hands, his lips, his teeth, his tongue.
She shivered while he nipped at her neck, her jaw, her lips, cried out when he dipped his head and suddenly drew her nipple into his wide mouth.
When he sucked, she moaned and arched into him at the sensation, gasping in surprise and clawing at his back when a bolt of lightning shot straight down to her core.
Her breasts had never been anything remarkable. Small enough to where she didn’t always even need a bra, and most men had never given them a second look.
Theo was treating them as if they were something to worship.
He devoted himself to his task, sucking and licking, laving his tongue against her skin and around her nipples, alternating reverently between the two.
They’d pebbled as soon as his lips had touched them, the hard, pink nubs incredibly sensitive in his warm mouth.
She moaned once more and felt his smile stretch against her skin.
His mouth was so wide, he’d been able to fit nearly her entire breast inside.
The ache in her chest their words had left behind shifted downward between her legs, and Audrey bucked against Theo in his lap, her hips moving of their own accord. He broke away with a grunt, shuddering forward at the sensation.
It was impossible not to feel how hard he was.
“Sweetheart,” he gasped, his chest heaving as his gaze met her own, his eyes dark and pupils blown wide. He looked like he was barely hanging on by a thread. “Sweetheart, I can’t hold out any longer.”
“I want you, Theo,” she breathed. “I need you.” Her lids were heavy and her face was scorching, and not at all from the water. “Please. I’m ready. Can we please—”
“Okay. Yeah, I’m done here. Hold on tight.
” He wrapped an arm around her and pushed up heavily from the chair, swaying slightly under her added weight while he got his feet beneath him with her legs still wrapped around his waist. He shut the shower off and the water ground to a sudden halt, leaving them with nothing but the heavy steam curling against their burning skin.
The urgency was palpable.
“I can walk if you—”
“Don’t even finish that thought,” Theo growled. “I’d rather die than put you down now—and I mean it. I know what dying feels like. Don’t ask that of me again.”
She didn’t.