Chapter 15
Griffin
School starts again tomorrow. The last day of summer is always, in my opinion, the worst day of the year. It’s like the Sunday Scaries times a million.
But I’d gladly give up every school break if it meant I could work things out with Eleanor.
I thought getting outside would help clear my head–I was dead wrong. To anyone not walking around with metaphorical shattered glass in their chest, it would seem peaceful out here. All the “peace” is doing is widening the space for me to be alone with my thoughts.
We always come to the side of the lake where there’s no path, since there’s less foot traffic out this way. Plus we can watch everyone who sits on the bench directly on the other side of the lake without really being noticed.
That’s how we found out our junior high biology teacher was having an affair with the assistant principal–I swear we weren’t the ones who spilled the beans, but we had to be the first people to know.
That bench is where I’ve been staring absentmindedly ever since Jack and David started arguing about whether or not you could skip a turtle the way you skip rocks.
“It wouldn’t work dude, they’d start flailing their feet and it would drag the momentum.”
“Okay fine, but what if it’s just the shell?”
I look back over to see Jack’s brow furrowing in serious contemplation while David looks at him expectantly, eyebrows raised, “I told you so” just itching to fly out of his mouth.
“Okay, I’ll concede that. I bet you could skip a turtle shell without the turtle in it.”
Jack crosses his arms with a sour look while David whoops in victory. Shaking my head at the buffoons I call best friends, I turn my attention back to the bench and my blood runs cold.
I see the wild mop of red curls first, distinctive enough to know exactly who they belong to.
Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I try to compose myself before I inevitably see her counterpart.
A lifetime of deep breaths couldn’t prepare me for this.
When I open my eyes again, I finally lay eyes on the sunlit beauty I would recognize anywhere. If I wasn’t already sitting down, I think my knees would have buckled.
The weight of everything hits me all at once. My brain involuntarily flips through the highlight reel of horror from the last three months.
The look on her face when she realized what we’d done.
The visceral hatred in her voice when she said she’d never forgive me.
The dozen unread texts I sent in the days that followed.
The hours I spent staring at my ceiling, full of shame and anger at myself for ruining things.
The dread that’s been building over the past week as I get ready to see her again.
After an entire summer of trying (and failing) to run into her casually, I figured I would just see her at school. Now I’m glad it happened out here–the last thing I need is to collapse in the hallway like a dork on the first day back.
My vision tunnels, and there’s a tightening, burning sensation in my chest. David and Jack look at me in alarm when I gasp deeply–I didn’t even notice I stopped breathing.
“What’s wrong with you dude?” Jack asks angrily. I can tell I scared him, but now that my gaze is locked on her, I can’t look away from Eleanor long enough to explain myself.
Following my line of vision, I can feel Jack stiffen when he spots the girls. David’s shoulders sag–no matter how many times I’ve told him we’re cool, he still looks like a scolded toddler every time Eleanor gets mentioned.
I know they haven’t seen us. First of all, they’re obviously in a very spirited conversation–at least I think they are from the way Abby is gesturing wildly.
Second, we’ve tested it ourselves. Even if you were to look directly at the spot we’re in, you can’t see us from the bench.
Third, I think she would bolt if she knew I was here.
Or maybe I’d be the one to run–my fight or flight has been leaning staunchly towards flight since the moment I saw her. Everything in me is telling me to run like hell.
I just can’t decide if I want to run to her, or away.
“C’mon man, let’s head back.”
Jack’s comforting hand on my shoulder still isn’t enough to tear my eyes away from the stunning creature I’d give anything to be near right now.
He moves his hand under my arm and pulls me to my feet. I finally look away and face him, and there’s pain on his face too.
Another stab of guilt threatens to knock me off my feet as I realize that we all lost her. She meant something to all of us, and I ruined it for everyone. I let him pull me to his truck, but glancing over my shoulder for one final look before getting in. It doesn’t hurt any less the second time.
We drop David off at home for family dinner, and Jack and I drive back to my house in silence. When we get there, he gets out and comes inside with me.
Maybe I need to get checked out by a doctor or something–I must be on the verge of death if Jack is willingly giving up his final Sunday Solitude of summer nearly.
When did I get this emotional?
We continue our silence as we sit in my basement, and I can’t help but stare at the spot Eleanor used to occupy every Friday night. It feels like it was just last week, and like it was another lifetime.
I know Jack is waiting for me to say something first, but I don’t think there’s anything in the English language that would explain the way it feels like a gaping black hole has opened in my chest.
Maybe I can learn something in Spanish II that will help.
I chuckle bitterly to myself, and Jack looks at me with one eyebrow raised.
“It’s nothing, man.” I’ve never heard myself sound so defeated. “I don’t think I can do this though.”
“You can. And you will.”
I hope to God he’s right.