Chapter 16
sixteen
. . .
Lee couldn’t deny that the mood of their get-together changed as soon as Drew came back from the bathroom. Both he and his mum continued to smile, and the focus of conversation shifted from Drew back to Dan and all the things he had loved.
“More than anything,” Mum said as the conversation began to wind down, “Dan wanted Lee to be a success as an author. He has such talent, you know.”
“I do know,” Drew said with a respectful nod, his smile a bit more forced. “I’ve been reading his books during down time on set.”
“Have you now?” Mum asked, looking cautiously impressed, but still reserved.
“Lee is exceptionally talented.” Drew sent Lee a smile that almost made him think everything was alright after all. “I can’t wait to read this new book he’s working on.”
Heat rose to Lee’s face, and he would have reached for Drew’s hand across the table if his mum hadn’t been studying him so intently.
“It would be a shame if anything came between Lee and his career,” Mum said to end the conversation, standing and gathering the plates to take into the kitchen.
Drew sent Lee a wary look as soon as she stepped away from the table.
It wasn’t until their drive home that either of them were able to say anything, though.
“I can’t figure out if your mom likes me or not,” Drew said, his wry grin hinting he was trying to see the lighter side of the afternoon instead of latching onto the worst.
Lee sighed as he made the turn off the motorway.
“Mum is still deep in the grieving process,” he said, a little too tense for comfort himself.
His mum’s suspicions still rattled around in his brain like loose change he couldn’t quite find under the seat.
“Losing Dan was hard on us both. I’m all she has left now, so she’s gone a bit protective. ”
“Which makes perfect sense,” Drew said, nothing but kindness in his voice. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child like she did.”
Lee sent a quick, curious look Drew’s way.
“Do you want to have children?” he asked point blank.
It was a blunt question, but most of his swirling uncertainty came from the fact that he didn’t know Drew as well as he should for the two of them to be dating.
Blunt questions were the way to find things like that out.
Drew shrugged, glancing out the window at the nighttime traffic. “I think so.”
Lee glanced his way again. “You’re not sure?”
Drew turned to look at him just as Lee was forced to concentrate on the road again. “I like kids. I’ve always imagined myself having some one day. But now….”
The way he let the question drift off tightened Lee’s gut and made his heart ache for the obvious uncertainty gripping Drew. “But now?” Lee prompted.
Drew let out a heavy breath and rubbed a hand over his face, hinting at how exhausted he was.
“I never dreamed I’d achieve this level of fame.
I mean, actors all hope, when they commit themselves to this career, that they’ll find steady work and maybe even get some sort of recognition for it.
But this level of superstardom? I’m still adjusting to it, adjusting my entire life.
I want to think kids still play a role in my future, but if things keep up like this… .”
Again, he let his sentence drift off into angst and uncertainty.
Despite the part of him that had been knocked sideways by his mum’s concerns, Lee reached across and rested a hand on Drew’s knee.
“None of us know what the future holds,” he said.
“You could be embroiled in some sort of horrific scandal tomorrow and your entire career might implode. You could have kids then.”
Drew laughed, fortunately. The quip could easily have gone wrong.
A moment later, he sat back and let out a noisy, emotional breath. “I don’t know if kids are in my future at all, now that I’m discovering all these new things about myself and my sexuality.”
Lee was able to send him a flat look as he drove. “Men can have families with other men these days, you know. This isn’t the Dark Ages. There’s adoption and surrogacy.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Drew said, sounding more vulnerable than ever. He glanced at Lee and asked, “What about you? Do you want kids?”
The question felt incredibly pointed, all things considered.
“Yes, I think so,” Lee answered with a puzzled look. “I suppose I should start thinking about that soon, since thirty is just around the corner.”
“Mmm, thirty,” Drew said with just a hint of a smirk. “We’ll be ancient then.”
Lee laughed. It would have been lovely if that conversation turned things around and lightened the mist of tension that flooded the car, but they weren’t quite there yet.
“At the rate we’re going, I can have you back at your apartment by nine,” Lee said after a full five minutes of silence.
Drew sent him an unreadable look, then asked, “Could we go to your place instead?”
Lee’s eyebrows inched up, and he peeked at Drew again. “Yes, of course, if that’s what you want.”
“That’s what I want,” Drew said, though there was something else under his supposed certainty.
Lee couldn’t figure out what was going on. Drew wanting to spend the night with him was a good thing. They could have sex, get closer, get to know each other better. It was what he wanted.
But by the time they parked as close to Lee’s building as they could get and made their way inside, the unspoken clash between their moods was so thick Lee could almost taste it.
“Something’s wrong.” He finally broached the subject when they were safe and sound inside his flat. “Something’s been wrong all day, I think.”
“It’s nothing,” Drew said, shrugging out of his jacket and tossing it over the back of Lee’s couch. “Everything is fine now that we’re alone.”
He made his way over to Lee, desire replacing the hunted look in his eyes. Lee was too slow and too weak to back away. He let Drew pull him into an embrace, cupping his jaw, before leaning in for a hot kiss.
It was sinful and perfect and had Lee worked up within seconds. He kissed Drew back, slipping an arm around his waist. But the mood around them was still brittle. So much so that Lee couldn’t help but feel like Drew was trying to use sex as an escape mechanism.
“Wait, wait,” he said breathlessly, nudging Drew back so he could look directly into his eyes.
Those eyes held a storm of emotions, none of them matching what should have been the beginning of an intimate night. “What?” Drew asked, a little too harshly.
Lee took a bigger step back. “I get the feeling you’re not okay,” he said, praying he could find the right words for what he was picking up from Drew.
“I’m fine,” Drew repeated, trying to pull him back into the embrace.
Lee held his ground. “I don’t think you are, love,” he said, resting a hand on the side of Drew’s face. “I think you’re going through a lot and you haven’t processed it yet.”
Either that or he had shut himself off from feelings entirely and just wanted to use him for a release, like his mum had hinted.
But no, he wasn’t going to fall into the trap of letting someone who didn’t really know Drew or the situation poison what felt like a very good thing.
“Can we have sex first and talk later?” Drew asked, a little too peevishly. His attitude wasn’t doing anything to calm Lee’s growing worries about who the man was and why he wanted to be with him.
“I think we need to talk first, just to make sure the air is clear,” Lee said, fighting to resist the charm offensive that Drew was dialing up to full strength.
“I think we need to enjoy each other,” Drew countered, his eyes filled with passion as his gaze dropped to Lee’s lips. “I think sex would solve all our problems.”
The temptation was almost unbearable. Lee wanted nothing more than to have Drew pound him into the mattress as he explored his newfound sexuality. They’d been so good together the night before. Their chemistry had been magical.
But that was part of the problem. Everything was new.
Everything was uncertain. They hadn’t really talked about them or redefined their relationship since they’d caught feelings for each other.
As much as he wanted to spend the night in pound town, that was the road to an extremely unhealthy relationship.
So Lee did the only thing he could think of, even though he knew it was a low blow.
“How are you feeling about Jessica going back to L.A.?” he asked.
The effect was instantaneous. Drew went as stiff as stone. His gaze snapped to meet Lee’s eyes. Then he took a step back.
“Jessica doesn’t have anything to do with this,” he said curtly. “We broke up. She’s gone from my life.”
Lee’s eyes went wide. “Just like that? The woman you were with for years, before you became famous?” Dear god, what if his mum had been right about Drew’s character after all?
“I mean, no,” Drew huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his eyes.
“Of course I care about how Jessica’s doing after the break-up.
Of course I still care about her. But the break-up was a long time coming, and I know she sees that underneath all her upset.
I can’t spend all my free time worrying about her when I’m trying to figure myself out. ”
Fuck. That was absolutely true. And from the sound of things, it was very much in character for the kind, sensible Drew Lee had come to know over the past few weeks.
“I’m not trying to make things difficult,” he said, no idea if he was the hero or the villain in the story all of a sudden. “I just want to keep things between us as healthy as possible. Rushing into sex as a means of escapism might not be the best thing right now.”
It was Drew’s turn to look incredulous. “Do you think I’m trying to get you into bed just so I can forget my troubles? Like I’ll walk out as soon as we’re done and not call you in the morning?”
Shit. The conversation wasn’t going at all the way Lee had intended it to. “No, I don’t think that at all,” he said, though he couldn’t deny the thought had occurred to him.