Chapter 36
Pack It Up
CALLIE
“Are you sure about this, Cals?” Lola sits on my bed, her face scrunched. “Portland has always been your home.”
My throat feels tight as I stack books in a heavy-duty box.
I’ve lived in this room in Jake’s apartment for less than two months, but considering how little I came here with, it feels like home.
Besides my book page art creations and my bookshelf, I also bought a few cheap canvas prints to hang on the walls, one of a pink sunset over a lake, another a trio of lop-eared rabbits against an artistic pink background.
It feels more like home than the apartment I shared with Shane.
The answer to Lola’s question is no, I’m not sure about this.
I’m the farthest thing from sure, actually.
But I have to trust in the decision I made when I was calmer.
The decision that said I need to start my life over somewhere else.
Of course it feels all wrong right now. This is the hardest part.
Following through with the plan I made that is best for my future.
The thing is, change is hard. It’s hard to think about, and harder to actually make happen, even if you know it’s the right thing to do.
The average person doesn’t change, as a general rule, and there’s a reason for that.
It’s way easier just to keep on doing what you’ve already been doing.
An object in motion remains in motion unless something gets in its way and forces it to adapt.
But I’m not an average person.
I understand that right now, things are clouded by a tall, tattooed, muscled serial killer who is a walking contradiction. I know him as sweet and kind and funny and so protective of the people he cares for.
Then there’s the other version of Wes. The Wes who holds people down while his brother stabs them, or destroys anyone who hurts someone he cares about. That side is dark. Violent.
I surprised myself when I didn’t find the morally gray part of him a deal-breaker. Because Wes looks at me like I’m his and dammit, I am. But I can’t be, even though I care about him so much.
There’s a knock at my bedroom door.
“Callie?” Jake says, slowly pushing my cracked door.
“Come in,” I call, even as Lola’s eyes widen.
Jake pushes the door open the rest of the way, his gaze flitting between me and Lola.
“Hey, Lola.”
“Hi,” Lola says with those damn hearts in her eyes again. Lordy.
“What’s up, Jake?” I try to keep my voice steady, but the sad puppy dog look he’s giving me hurts my heart.
“Um.” He sticks his hands in his pockets and shifts from foot to foot. “Do you need any help?”
“Nope.”
“I just wanted to say—” He casts another quick glance at Lola. “That you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want. Forever, even.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t handle the looks from these two. The guilt trips. The subtle pressure to not follow through with my plan, which they have both known about for months. They should understand.
I’m still upset about everything with Jake. I know why he did what he did. It was to protect me. But I hate that he lied to me for so long, and I fucking hate Shane.
Now Jake and Lola look at each other. For fuck’s sake. I’m encouraging an alliance between them. It’ll be a disaster when I leave town and they have no supervision.
“This is happening.” I glance back and forth between them. “I’m leaving.”
“When?” Lola manages, her voice cracking. “When do you think you’ll go?”
I look around the room. My eyes land on the blue folder sitting on top of my dresser.
The divorce papers will be processed on Monday after I drop them off.
I’ll leave Portland then, destination Seattle.
The long cross-country drive will clear my head.
I’ll sign up for summer classes, which start in June.
It’ll be enough time for me to get settled and then dive into the program.
My stomach flips. Will I really be able to drive away from here? Away from the city I’ve lived in my whole life? Maine? My brother? Lola?
Wes?
Now it’s not my stomach that flips, but my heart. This was always going to feel awful while it was happening, right? But it’s the right thing to do.
And it is happening, so my heart better get on board. But no matter how many times I try, I can’t get excited about moving on. I don’t feel the same joy and freedom that I thought I would.
I kick Lola and Jake out of my room but can’t focus on packing anymore. A short drive will clear my head. I’ll go to the water and listen to the waves crash on the rocks at my favorite spot along the coast right outside of town.
Jake isn’t in the family room when I head to my car with a few things in my arms. The cold air is a welcome relief outside of the apartment building, but I speed up my walk when I get to the dark parking garage. I pull out keys, my car within sight.
That’s when everything goes dark.