Chapter 20 Friends with Whatever-It-Is
Friends with Whatever-It-Is
“I swear that I didn’t mean for her to see it. And I’m sorry. But I don’t have to keep, you know, talking to her about it—”
We were in my apartment, halfway into a glass of wine, when I realized I couldn’t carry on without Hudson knowing the truth.
That our little experiment had broken containment and infected the office—or, at least, my friendship-by-fire with Leelah.
But now that I’d done it, he looked at me like I was the silliest woman who’d ever lived. “Scout, do you think I’m mad at you?”
He didn’t look mad. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t. People lied all the time. I did, anyway. “Maybe a little?”
“You’re the one who wanted to keep us a secret. If you want people to know, then you should tell them. If I had my way about it, I’d probably be taking out an ad in Popular Science.”
It was the fastest resolution to any relationship conflict I’d ever been involved in. I didn’t know how to proceed.
Well. Okay, then. Might as well get on with the real purpose of his visit. I reached for the buttons of my shirt.
“Okay, you ready?”
“For what?”
“For sex,” I said, obviously. “What else?”
Hudson shifted on the couch, eyeing me curiously. “Aren’t you sore after last night?”
“A little. But studies show that muscular stiffness should generally be worked out, not rested. At least, that’s what Clara told me when she tried to trick me back into going to reformer Pilates with her. Let’s go in the bedroom—”
“Do you want to have sex, Scout? Like right now, in this moment?”
“What about you? Do you want to?”
“That wasn’t the question.”
“It is now. What is this conversational anaphylaxis you experience every time I ask you what you want?”
“I just want to make sure you’re comfortable. And happy. I don’t want to chase you off.”
“You couldn’t chase me off. I don’t think you could ever chase anybody off.”
“Wanna bet?” he grumbled.
I thought about his vague story about his ex-girlfriend. Was that what he meant?
“Care to expand on that, sir?”
“No, thank you.”
Silence lingered between us for a beat too long. I gestured to my bedroom door.
“So…sex? I mean, it’s just that you’re here and I thought most guys would jump at the chance to skip foreplay.”
“If I were most guys, I don’t think you would have decided to sleep with me.”
I scoffed, but admittedly…it was a turn-on. Did this self-confident nerd bring out the slut in me? “I don’t think I’ll ever be not surprised when you pull that arrogant stuff. It’s so unlike you.”
“You and I are honest people, Scout. You’re a scientist. I’m an engineer. We trade in reality. No bullshit. It’s not arrogant to think I’m at least a little special to you. It’s just a fact. We wouldn’t be here right now if you didn’t enjoy my company—even a little bit.”
“And you? Am I special to you? Do you enjoy my company?” I asked, once again thinking about how deftly he dodged answering my questions.
“I trust that I can make you happy,” he said, after a beat of hesitation. “I like making you happy.”
It seemed that was all he felt comfortable giving me now. Which was fine, I told myself. We didn’t need to add any more depth to this relationship. We were friends with benefits. Nothing more.
“What else do you like about me?” I asked, slowly lowering myself down onto his lap.
A silly question. I braced myself for the obvious attributes everyone always ascribed to me. Hardworking. Smart. Diligent. Disciplined.
But he surprised me. “You’re kind.”
“I’m what?”
“On my first day at BuzzCorp, it was raining, and I didn’t have an umbrella.
I was standing outside the building, but the security guard wouldn’t let me in.
You saw me from your window, not yet knowing that I was the guy Clara had hired, and you came down with your umbrella because you’d seen a stranger in the rain who looked like he needed help.
You didn’t have to do that. But you did.
Just like you always leave the everything bagel for Addie on Bagel Wednesdays because you know they’re her favorite, even though you love them, too, and just like, when Terrence leaves his sweater at the office on Friday, you send it to the laundry so it’s clean when he gets to the office on Monday. ”
I reeled. I didn’t…he’d noticed all of that?
“You keep hinting that I’m too accommodating or whatever, but you and I are the same,” he said. “But where I want everyone to know what sort of guy I am, you want to hide it. I don’t understand.”
Oh, the unbearable weight of being perceived. Sex would have been so much easier. I squirmed.
“What? Are you surprised?” he asked.
“I just never thought of myself that way.”
“How do you think of yourself? You don’t really let me see a lot of you. I’d like to know more.”
“You already know everything that’s worth knowing. The old career, the old flame, the new career, the new fuckbuddy.”
As if to prove my point, I settled in deeper on his lap. His cock stirred. Excellent. Only a few more minutes of distraction and we’d be off the Me topic and onto the We topic.
“So I know your LinkedIn profile, basically. I want to know you.”
“I don’t want to talk about me.”
“Too bad.” He smirked and rebuttoned my top shirt button. “You’re not getting dick until you do.”
“There’s nothing to know! I’m just…” I sighed.
It was big of him to demand answers from me when he wouldn’t give me any about himself.
However, lunch today with Leelah showed me how nice it could be to talk to someone.
“I didn’t have the normal experiences other people had.
I was obsessive about school as a kid, and then I became obsessive about work.
My…me and Lloyd Exeter, that was the first time I’d ever given myself permission to do something for me.
And it almost ruined my life. I know I like sci-fi and bagels and that friendship and dating terrify me.
But other than that? I guess maybe I don’t even know who I am. There. Is that enough?”
Petulantly, I undid my top button again.
Hudson nodded. Batting me away, he started down the buttons, slowly exposing my chest. “You know what I see when I look at you? Someone smart, and sexy, and funny, and you really care about people, even if you’re too afraid to let them get close…
and yes.” He pressed a kiss below my ear, tickling the sensitive skin of my neck.
“You’ve earned a reward. And I think it’s time for me to have another lesson. ”
Thank Christ. Now in my bra and skirt, I freed his cock from his briefs and his jeans.
I slipped easily out of my panties, crying out as I sank onto him.
It was my first time being on top. I guess that should have been intimidating. It wasn’t. It felt too right.
Before I could ride him in earnest, though, he held my hips fast, freezing me in place.
“But you should know—I’m going to help you figure out who you are.”
How did one find themself at age twenty-six?
He could think that way all he wanted, but I foresaw this dalliance between us as a means to a very specific end.
Which I could have gotten if he stopped holding me down and started letting me ride him.
“Good luck. Even when it comes to sex, I don’t know who I am.
I mean, I read smut and watch porn and have fantasies, but fantasies aren’t wishes.
I don’t know if I’d be into half the stuff I daydream about with my vibrator, you know? ”
“Well. Why don’t we figure that out together?”
In a sweeping gesture, he lifted me off him, ran to my bedroom, and came back with his laptop and a small utility box I kept on my bedside table. He gave me the latter and opened the former.
“What are we doing?” I asked, hating the emptiness between my legs.
“An experiment. I’m going to look up some kinks online, and we’re going to decide if you’re into them or not.”
“How will we know—”
“I’ll feel it. Your body can’t hide that.”
Another experiment. He knew the way to this girl’s heart. I was tempted to see if he wanted the same treatment, but I feared I already knew the answer. He was a black box of a man, hiding himself from me. “Okay.”
Situating himself back on the couch, he propped the laptop onto the tufted fabric arm. A lurid web page in black and pink glared out from the screen, but I was too busy digging through the utility box he’d delivered. Eventually I pulled out a small handheld device. Another one of my favorites.
“And what do we have here, Dr. Porter?”
“It’s a suction toy. It feels like I’m having my clit worshipped while I…”
An eyebrow quirked. “While I fuck you?”
I settled back into his lap, one leg on either side of him. He shifted upward, filling me to the brim with him. My hand, the one holding the toy, immediately descended to my clit, latching onto the swollen bud.
“Why don’t you turn it on,” he prompted.
“But don’t you want—”
“Do you have any idea how amazing an orgasm is after a woman has ridden you for twenty minutes and cum all over your cock?”
“No, but I take your point.”
“Please, Scout. Touch yourself. Please. Teach me how good this feels for you.”
The please convinced me. I didn’t want a hard-core Dom, no matter if those tropes sometimes popped up in the porn I consumed.
What I wanted was a partner. Someone who could bend me over a kitchen counter and fuck me one minute, lovingly lay me out like a queen the next, and stern-brunch-daddy me into making myself cum after that.
Hudson was all those wrapped up in one very sexy package. I couldn’t help but melt for him.
I pressed the first button. The toy’s internal mechanism whirred to quiet action, slowly tonguing my clit.
He explored the curves of my bra with his palms. My nipples pressed against the fabric, but he pointedly refused to expose them.
Thighs tightening, I tried to work my way up and down his shaft. But he held me firm, eyes coyly trailing from my face to the screen at his right.
“Now, let’s see,” he said with professorial detachment. “How do you feel about…hair pulling?”