Chapter 28 All the Whore-Y Details #2
The shame pressed down on my neck. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. It was a fundamental law of the universe. Every time I’d ever tried to take control of my own life, I’d fucked it up. Whether it was as frivolous as a binder or my first real relationship, I couldn’t do anything right.
That was why I couldn’t go deeper with Hudson. That was why we needed barriers and guardrails and rules. So history didn’t repeat itself.
“But you were the one who was taken advantage of,” Hudson said.
“I know. And so did they. That’s why they gave me a settlement, had me sign an NDA, and sent me off on my merry way before they started spreading rumors of my incompetence.”
“That’s so wrong.”
“Yeah. But I was wrong, too.” My voice cracked. “How does someone devote themself to knowledge, only to be the stupidest woman who ever lived?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I was a grown woman with a multibillion-dollar project under my control. If I was smart enough to handle that, I should have been smart enough to see through Lloyd. It was my fault.”
“You said it yourself. Sure, you were an adult with a lot of responsibility, but you were still young, and he knew that you had no understanding of the world or people outside of your textbooks. He took advantage of that, manipulated you, and then threw you away when you were no longer convenient. He was in the wrong.”
Broken clocks and all of that. I did hate Lloyd Exeter, but at the end of the day, I had to own up to my mistakes and pay the price for making them. That price was losing my dreams of space, that price was working at BuzzCorp…
“My life is my responsibility, Hudson.” The echoes of those words rang with the ghosts of my parents’ voices. There was no way Hudson could have heard it, but I did. “And it’s one I can’t trust myself with. I’ve never been able to. Work, fine. Yes. I can manage. But anything else? I’m incompetent.”
“You haven’t ruined anything with me.”
“Not yet, maybe,” I retorted. Then, when I realized what that yet signified, that I would be spending more time with him, I tried to cover my tracks. “Not that it matters anyway; you’re leaving soon.”
He toyed with his shirtsleeves. “Did you ever apply anywhere else after GalacticSolutions?”
“Why would I when they badmouthed me to everyone? It would have been a waste of my time. No one would hire me. It’s why I didn’t want everyone in the office knowing I was a virgin.
Once you get labeled, it’s hard to shake, and people only see you through that lens forever.
With Lloyd, I was this man-eating slut who’d blown him and then blown up his rockets.
Unqualified. With the virgin thing, it felt the same.
That everyone would see me not as a brilliant engineer but unfit. ”
He flattened his lips, surveying my workshop. “I know you showed me all these designs because you think it’s a reminder of your failure, but I think it’s a sign of your potential. Have you ever thought about getting out of sex toys and back into rocket ships?”
My reaction was knee-jerk and defensive. “I like my job.”
“I know you do. But I think you might love space exploration more. Maybe you should consider a career change.”
“I can’t. No one would hire me,” I reiterated.
No one except Clara, whom I’d met while crying in the bathroom of a Women in STEM networking seminar.
I’d tried to make connections that day, but it felt like every woman in that room was side-eyeing me.
Judging me for making their lives harder by being branded yet another office slut sleeping her way to the top.
Giving women in the industry a bad name.
“It’s possible they would now.”
The idea that my scarlet letter had somehow expired over the last two years had never occurred to me. I truly thought I’d be doing my penance walk forever, daydreaming about space exploration while tinkering away with my latest cock ring innovation.
And why not? Why hadn’t I considered it?
Was it because I didn’t want to? Because I didn’t want to try and fail to break back into the industry? Because it was safer to stay with Clara than chance a new job hunt?
Was I sabotaging myself?
Of course I was. That was why Hudson was here, after all. I was trying to sabotage our relationship before it could even really begin.
“You could have anything you want, Scout. Anything, and anyone. You’re the only person holding you back.”
I scoffed, if only to hide how much I wanted him to be right. “No one else agrees with you. Not me, not my parents, not anyone who’s gotten Lloyd’s side of the story.”
“Clara does, I bet. She’s the one who hired you after you lost your job at GalacticSolutions, didn’t she?”
That barely counted. “Clara would have hired a mop wearing a Nikola Tesla Halloween costume if she thought it would improve her bottom line.”
“Now you’re just being cruel to yourself.”
Yeah. I was.
I deflated a little bit and shrugged.
“I don’t know any other way to be.”
“You really don’t, do you?” I tried to laugh it off. Hudson wasn’t having it. “No, I’m serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be anything better than neutral to yourself.”
“Don’t be casting stones.”
“I’m not mean to myself,” he snapped incredulously.
“Yes, you are, but in a different way. You never show anyone who you are because you’re afraid they won’t like what they see. Well, I do like what I see, and I’m glad I got to meet you. The real you. The one you hide from everyone else.”
There was a moment of silent fallout between us. This time, I was the one who’d shown my hand. I didn’t just like him as a fuckbuddy. It was quickly growing into something more—something I feared I couldn’t control.
“I wish I could be better for that guy,” I said, emphasizing each word.
He had to understand why I couldn’t go any further.
“I wish I knew how not to mess this up. I wish I wasn’t afraid of you and what you could do to me.
But I am what I am. And what I am is not right for a guy like you, Hudson Bailey. ”
The air between us tightened as realization hit him. “Did you tell me all of this because you thought it would push me away? Were you trying to sabotage whatever it is we have going on here? Do you really believe that you could chase me off?”
Two big, firm hands rose to cup my cheeks. He didn’t speak until I lifted my eyes to his.
“Scout. I’m not going anywhere. Bad sex, good sex. Dates, no dates. Terrible parents. Sex toy lessons. Whatever lies ahead, I’m here. If you’ll have me. If I’m what you want.”
My heart swelled. But I cut it before it could burst. “For the next few weeks, anyway. Which is for the best. If we stayed together any longer, I would just blow it. I’m incapable of doing anything right.”
“I don’t believe that. I think this is right.” He stroked my cheekbone with his thumb.
“I don’t want you to go,” I said. “But I don’t want to bring you down with me. I’m a wreck. I ruin everything I touch.”
“Do I look ruined to you?” he asked.
No. He didn’t. He looked whole.
Like I mended him.
A completed circuit.
After a beat, he spoke again. “Can I tell you something? Be warned: It might make me seem like a bad person.”
“Sure.”
Moving from his place above me, Hudson sighed and settled on the floor at my feet.
He placed his head on my knee, cheek pressing against my bare flesh there.
His breath danced tattoos on me; I wanted to keep them forever.
“I’m glad you didn’t have sex with him. Not because I’m selfish and wanted to be your first or whatever, nothing weird and possessive like that.
Just…I’m glad your first time was with someone who gave a damn about you.
He didn’t deserve you anyway. You deserved better. Not just from him. But from everyone.”
You deserved better.
No one had ever told me that before. Not even Clara. Even in her most supportive moments, she was pragmatic and unemotional about things, choosing to keep our attentions squarely on what we could do going forward, rather than wallowing in the past.
You deserved better.
But Hudson had said it like it was obvious. Like his heart was broken that no one had told me before. Like I needed to hear it. And maybe I did.
You deserved better.
“Just think about it, okay? You. Me. Us. What you want your tomorrows to look like. I really believe it, Scout. You can have anything you want. Anything. Just ask.”
I didn’t know if I could believe it.
But God did I want to.