Chapter 24 #3
At the end of the gravel path, Helena sat upon the garden bench and tapped the space beside her. Tristan lowered himself down and looked out across the garden. For a few moments neither spoke.
He drew a long breath, then let it go. “It is peaceful.”
“It is.” Helena folded her hands in her lap. “I seem to find it easier to speak my mind in nature than within four walls.”
“I suppose I agree with that.” Tristan looked toward the fading light between the trees. “I do not know what to make of any of this, Helena.”
“Nor do I.” She paused before adding softly, “I never imagined Lord Ravenscroft to be so truly vile. So wicked.”
“The shock and sorrow of losing them was almost easier to bear than this.” Tristan reached for her hand.
He removed her glove, as he had in the carriage, and enclosed her bare hand between both of his.
“Grief is one thing, but to have such fury mixed with it...” He shook his head.
“To know that another man's actions condemned the people I loved. I find it difficult to make sense of it.”
Helena did not respond, she knew he had more to say.
“I find myself wishing I had done something more,” he confessed.
“I carry such guilt over their deaths. Mrs. Fenwick was in my employ; Frederick was still young enough to need guidance… I should never have allowed him to enter into anything with Lord Ravenscroft. I should have gone with him to London or removed Elinor from the house and taken her somewhere else.”
“Tristan...” Helena's voice was gentle. “That is a dangerous path to venture down.”
He turned to her, searching her eyes. “Sifting through the past and the mistakes I made? How do I do better in the future?”
“No.” Her answer was soft, but certain. “That is not what you are doing.”
He frowned slightly.
“You are trying to find a place to lay the blame, and because Lord Ravenscroft cannot be made to answer for everything you have lost, you have decided to place it upon yourself.” Helena said quietly.
Tristan looked down at their joined hands.
“Would you allow me to speak honestly?” she asked.
“Always.”
“I say this with care, but I believe you need to hear it before your mind begins to punish you for the mistakes you believe you have made.” Helena paused, choosing her words carefully. “Two of the most dangerous words are what if.”
Tristan remained silent, but his gaze was fixed on her.
“You cannot go back and change what happened. And even if you could, where would you begin?
If you had stopped Frederick from investing, when would you have allowed him to make his own choices as a man?
Would you have refused to employ Mrs. Fenwick because her reference came from the baron, when she was a widow with a young child to support?
Would you have gone to London with Frederick and perhaps found yourself in the same carriage accident?
Or would you have returned home only to discover that Elinor was already gone? ”
Tristan slowly shook his head, shrugging his shoulders.
“You see?” Helena said softly. “There is no version of the past in which you could have known what you know now.” She paused before continuing.
“You cannot hold yourself accountable for the actions of other people.
You could never have known how far Lord Ravenscroft's cruelty extended, nor what Mrs. Fenwick had been forced to do.
What we have learned of Elinor and Frederick's ends is unimaginable, and I cannot pretend to know what you are feeling now.”
She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “But I do know this. You are a good man, Tristan. You may be angry with Mrs. Fenwick and Mr. Pritchard, and you have every right to be, but even then you treated them with dignity. You listened to them, you believed what they told you, and you promised to protect their children.”
“I will not allow Lord Ravenscroft's actions to destroy their futures.” Tristan's expression hardened with determination. “If I could not save Frederick or Elinor, then I will save them.”
“And I admire that.” Helena smiled. “Over the last few days, you have given me every reason to hold you in the highest regard.” She paused, then added with a lighter tone, “Although perhaps not when we first spoke to Georgiana...”
A small laugh escaped Tristan and he glanced toward her. “What have I done to deserve you?”
“You were in search of a wife, and I was in dire need of rescuing,” Helena smiled teasingly.
Tristan looked as though he wanted to say something, but instead he turned his gaze toward the evening sky, a smile touching his lips.
“I cannot explain it,” he said after a moment. “I feel as though everything has become too much at once.” He looked down at their joined hands, turning hers gently within his. Her hand looked remarkably small against his own. “But I am grateful I can share my distress with you… it makes it easier.”
Helena's expression softened. “I wish to always be the person you speak to,” she whispered, knowing in her heart how deeply she loved him, and how much she wanted to share every happiness and heartache of his. She could not explain when it had happened, but her heart felt irrevocably bound to his.