Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
NYLA
I don’t know where I am, what is happening, who I was, who I will be, what I dream of, what frightens me, what came last or what comes next.
I still don’t know a thing—and I couldn’t care less.
It’s because of Jaden. Because of the way he spins with me, the way he looks so content when he looks at me. Because of the feeling of safety he gives me, the passion with which he sings for us.
Because all of this feels so endlessly good right now that nothing else has room in my thoughts. We dance and laugh and I don’t need anything more.
Suddenly he lowers his gaze to my mouth and raises his hand. With his fingertips he touches my lips, and I realize that a drop has settled in the hollow above my upper lip.
He carefully brushes it away, almost tenderly, his gaze fixed on my mouth without wavering.
Is he actually thinking about…?
His fingers wander on across my face, leaving an intense tingling on my cheek, reaching my temple.
What is he doing?
Now he leans in toward me, barely noticeably.
No.
Stop.
This isn’t okay.
With a jolt, I tear myself away from him.
Out of nowhere I feel rain dripping onto my shoulders and dampness soaking through my clothes.
Then I remember. Everything just comes back. I remember why I fled outside from the ER earlier, I realize that I forgot to take care of myself and went dancing in the rain with Jaden.
Why did I do that?
I need to get myself to safety again, take a hot shower as soon as possible. And I need tea. Plus vitamin C, zinc, and ginger.
‘I should go back in,’ I force out, confused and surprised and angry with myself.
Jaden, on the other hand, is still smiling so calmly, as if he danced in the rain with strange women every day. As if that were completely normal. But something else is reflected in his eyes, disappointment maybe, I don’t know.
‘Yeah, sure.’ He hurriedly buries his hands in the pockets of his jacket while I take refuge under the awning.
‘I’m sorry.’ I have no idea why I’m apologizing now, seeing as he was the one who got me into this situation I should never have ended up in.
‘I’m not,’ he replies, winks at me, and walks past me toward the entrance. ‘See you in a minute.’
Bewildered, I watch him saunter inside, singing that song again. So carefree, as if nothing special had just happened.
I, too, head back into the clinic and, inwardly agitated, make my way through the emergency room. I don’t see Jaden anywhere, yet he’s still on my mind.
Does he do things like that all the time?
Crazy stuff no other person would ever do?
Our first encounter comes to mind. The gash he gave himself because he wanted to play the hero.
Definitely crazy stuff. And the way he talked to the patient in the ambulance…
also crazy, somehow, I don’t know, nobody does that.
Goofing around with an unconscious stranger as if you were his best buddy.
More confused than I already was, I reach the changing rooms a little later. I’m not cold yet, but I still hurry to get out of my wet clothes as fast as possible and step into the shower.
As the hot water pelts down on my head, I close my eyes and immediately see Jaden in front of me again. Soaked from head to toe. Longing in those green eyes that holds me far too captive. I feel his fingers on my skin, hear him singing, notice the way he looks at my lips.
He wanted to kiss me.
Or did he?
I turn off the shower and wrap myself in a towel.
Maybe I just imagined it. That’s possible; after all, it also took me a while to realize that I was dancing in the rain with Jaden.
I should just let it go, but I can’t stop thinking about all of it, and even fifteen minutes later, when I leave the changing rooms, my head is still full of questions.
I really need to calm down; after all, somewhere in the ER Jaden is waiting for me, ready to accompany me for the rest of my shift.
‘Hey, Nyla.’
I look up and spot Sonora coming toward me, her mane of curls flowing and a long yawn on her lips. Dark shadows ring her eyes. She’s the only one of my four roommates who had to go straight onto the night shift at the start of duty, and it’s more than obvious that it’s taking a toll on her.
‘You couldn’t sleep?’ I ask when she stops in front of me. She lifts her shoulders. ‘What happened?’
‘Just the usual.’ With a casual flick of her hand she brushes her hair off her forehead. ‘What about you, you look kind of…’ She taps her chin with her finger, ‘…all over the place.’
‘All over the place pretty much sums it up,’ I admit. ‘I was just about to grab some tea, want to come?’
She quickly shakes her head. ‘I have to check my medical records and get ready for tonight’s surgeries.’
‘I thought you didn’t start until eight.’ That’s still four hours away. Why is she even here already?
With a conspiratorial look, Sonora leans against the wall. ‘That’s true, but when Dr. Perfect is your boss, you’d better do a good job, or you’re out faster than you can say time off.’
Slowly I understand what’s going on here. I lay a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. ‘Which would also explain your insomnia.’
‘But not what’s going on with you.’ She eyes me. ‘Are there zombies in the ER, or why are you so rattled?’
‘No zombies.’ I sigh, my thoughts already back with Jaden. ‘But superheroes.’
She raises her brows, her dark eyes sparkling. ‘Like, properly with washboard abs and broad shoulders and a cape?’
‘More like a uniform instead of a cape.’ The rest is probably accurate.
‘Ooh.’ Sonora turns to me. ‘What a coincidence that you’re currently in distress.’
Even if that were the case, it would be completely irrelevant. ‘I don’t want a man.’ And certainly not a hero like Jaden.
‘We’ll see about that.’ Suppressing a yawn, she pushes herself away from the wall. ‘I should probably get to work, then.’
And I should make sure I get to the doctors’ lounge, make the tea, and then get back to work as quickly as possible.
Briefly, I pull Sonora into my arms. ‘Have a good shift.’
She strokes my back. ‘Maybe it’s time to put the past behind you and fight for a better future,’ she whispers in my ear, and I wish she were right.
But fighting for a better future is something only one-percent people like her do. Twenty-five-percent people like me fight just to have a future at all, and that is something completely different.
Still, I nod against Sonora’s shoulder. It’s not her fault. Besides, it’s easier than trying to explain to her what healthy people – no matter how hard they try – will never truly understand.