Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
JADEN
More.
That’s the thought that consumes me. That’s what I want: more.
More of this kiss, more of Nyla’s closeness, more of this high she sets off inside me.
Nyla sighs softly against my lips.
In the distance, engines roar to life.
I pull her tighter against me, kiss her more intensely, feel my heart open, and let it happen. She’s allowed in, she should pick a place for herself, anywhere at all. As long as she stays here with me, in my arms. In my life.
Light flickers across my closed eyelids.
‘They’re coming,’ someone shouts, whoever that is. ‘Hey, Jaden, break it up, we’re about to get busy.’
‘We should…,’ Nyla murmurs against my lips.
I nod, but I keep on kissing her anyway. Just one more minute. One breath. One moment.
‘Okay, that’s enough now.’ Ray’s voice is suddenly very close. A hand touches my shoulder, and it’s not Nyla’s.
I lose Nyla’s lips, the bubble we had so wonderfully lost ourselves in together bursts. But the memory remains, and it makes me smile.
Nyla steps aside, brakes squeal, car doors open. A policewoman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun comes up to us on the porch.
‘Are you my points of contact?’ she asks.
‘Jaden Reynolds, paramedic.’ I nod to the woman and try to pull myself together, but I barely manage it.
I glance sideways at Nyla. Her cheeks are tinged pink, her eyes are glowing. I’d love nothing more than to kiss her again right away.
Today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.
However she does it, she’s like a drug you only have to taste once to never be able to get away from it again.
‘And you are?’ The policewoman looks at Nyla.
She straightens her hair. ‘Dr. Nyla Moore. Emergency physician.’
‘All right, then let’s take a look at it,’ the woman in uniform says and signals for us to follow her into the house.
Four hours and countless furtive, questioning, and unreadable looks later, the ambulance turns into the driveway of headquarters. Our shift is over. But what happened today isn’t.
But it’s not just the kiss; what Nyla said about the pain, about my pain, also won’t let me go.
Probably because there was so much certainty in her tone. Possibly because no one has ever noticed before that I flood my life with all this light so I don’t have to see the shadows. It wasn’t the first time she tried to lay my soul bare. But it was the first time I didn’t want to fight it.
I look over at Nyla.
I can still feel the pull between us, just like this crazy longing for a world that is more than just the moment and still doesn’t hurt. Not as intensely as during or right after our kiss, but still far too strong to ignore.
Ray brings the vehicle to a stop, Nyla gets out first. ‘Well then, have a nice evening,’ she says, shifting uncertainly from one foot to the other.
Without letting her out of my sight, I jump out of the vehicle as well and say goodbye to Ray together with her.
‘Should I walk you home?’ I ask Nyla afterwards, no longer understanding myself. Today she dredged up one of the worst moments of my life inside me. I should want to stay away from her; instead, I want to be with her.
‘I don’t know if that…’ A mixture of longing and uncertainty lies in her expression.
‘Do you regret our kiss?’ I ask in disbelief.
She opens her mouth, then closes it again without saying anything.
‘Why?’ Only when the question has left my mouth do I realize what I’ve just done. I’m asking about something that could hurt.
‘I shouldn’t have kissed you.’ With her arms crossed over her chest, she lowers her lids. ‘Maybe it’s better if we forget it?’
She can’t be serious. How could I ever want to forget that kiss?
My God, what am I thinking? Confused, I shake this crazy thought out of my head and look up at the starry sky.
‘Really, we kissed? Can’t remember that.’ I try to sound amused, but I don’t manage to be as casual as usual. ‘Was it good or good?’
‘It was amazing,’ she whispers wistfully.
‘Amazing, huh?’ I strain to search the sky for constellations, but since the Big Dipper is the only one I know, I’m done far too quickly. ‘Now I get why you want to forget it. It’s really unbearable, a kiss that amazing.’
I have no idea what I’m saying or why it even sounds like I don’t want to let her go. I look at her. Deep despair dominates her face.
‘This thing here, this thing with us, whatever it is, it might not lead anywhere.’ There’s a note of melancholy in her voice.
‘What? You don’t want to marry me and have ten kids with me?
’ I want to grin at her, but it doesn’t work and I don’t understand why.
That was a joke; I should be finding it hilariously funny.
‘And what about the common room in the retirement home I just reserved for us?’ I add.
‘Should I cancel that? Think about it again, rooms like that are hard to get.’
Now she lets out a brief laugh, but becomes serious again far too quickly. ‘I’d love to…’
Something is tormenting her, and that makes my mood shift as well, turning cautious and worried. ‘But?’ I look at her questioningly. ‘What’s going on, Nyla?’
She swallows. ‘But I don’t know how long it would go well.’
What does she mean by that? ‘In what way?’
‘I could get sick.’ Her expression turns apologetic. ‘Seriously sick.’
And there it is again, that all-overshadowing worry. Why is she so fixated on it? Is there a genetic predisposition? Or does what she sees every day at work scare her that much?
I stroke her arm soothingly. ‘That could happen to anyone.’ It’s something no one is spared from.
‘Yes, but…’
‘Explain it to me,’ I say. When I asked her earlier why she has such a hard time living in the moment, she said it could destroy her life. Does it have something to do with that?
She lowers her lids, exhales shakily. ‘My risk of getting sick is higher than other people’s.’
Risk – so she has a genetic predisposition. As a doctor, she lives from and with these data, I understand that, but in truth they’re not even worth the paper they’re written on.
Gently I slip my index finger under her chin and lift it until she looks at me again. ‘But right now you’re healthy.’
She looks at me for a while, then nods.
‘No one knows what things will be like in a month, a year, or a decade,’ I say earnestly, because that’s simply the truth. For her, for me, for every person. If she’s constantly thinking about the worst that could happen, she’s missing out on her life. The thought hurts me more than I expected.
‘You’re probably right,’ she says.
‘It could just be what it is right now,’ I suggest, although deep down I feel that that might not be enough for me.
Questioningly, she tilts her head to the side.
‘A wonderful time.’ And maybe a little more, who knows. ‘Just …’
‘…us,’ she finishes my sentence, and I’m sure she continues it in her head.
Now the corners of her mouth lift. The moonlight casts gentle shadows across her face and makes it clear how much she longs for it.
‘Day by day. Moment by moment. No more, but also no less,’ I say, because I sense that this is what she needs right now, even though I myself would rather have more than less.
Hope dominates her expression. ‘That sounds lovely. But you don’t know if…’
Carefully, I lay my index finger on her mouth.
Because everything I need to know, I’ve known for a long time.
‘I know how your eyes shine when you’re happy.
I know what your laughter sounds like when you let go.
I know how you glow when you feel free.’ I study her far too intently, I’m aware of that, but I can’t help it.
Her breathing is heavy, she leans toward me almost imperceptibly. ‘It would be nice.’
It would be more than that. ‘You decide.’
Only a few centimeters separate us, I see the longing in her gaze, see that she wants it just as much as I do.
Seconds pass, then she places her hands on my cheeks and studies me, weighing me up.
‘There are no guarantees,’ she finally breathes, and I nod in agreement, even though my heart feels a little heavy as I do.
She touches the tip of her nose to mine and then, very slowly, our lips find each other. Just a whisper of a touch, and yet I feel it everywhere inside me.
‘See? You can do this,’ I whisper against her lips. ‘And whether you can still do it tomorrow doesn’t matter today. We’ll just find out when the time comes.’
‘Okay,’ she answers tonelessly.
My heart skips a beat. ‘Okay,’ I repeat, and kiss her again.