Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
JADEN
A night of long conversations about Nyla and Lilly and their connection to each other has passed, and by now I also know everything about Nyla’s medical history. Her prognosis is excellent, yet I’m still just as shaken up.
Camee’s diagnosis pulled the rug out from under me back then. The thought that Nyla…
Oh God.
I’ve only just started to imagine a future with her, but what if that future doesn’t exist?
On the other hand, it doesn’t matter at all whether she was sick or not.
There are no guarantees for anything in life.
Not for the good things, and not for the bad ones.
She could live to be a hundred, die in an accident in three days, or drop dead from a sudden heart attack at fifty.
Or get cancer again.
I no longer know what to think.
This morning I woke up drenched in sweat, having dreamed of visiting her in the hospital. Even now, as the ambulance turns into the driveway of Halifax Harbor Hospital and Nyla gets ready to bring our patient with the broken upper arm into the ER, I’m wondering what’s going to happen next.
Nyla has offered to go through Lilly’s bucket list with me.
I promised I’d think about it. I know she’s waiting for my answer, yet she hasn’t asked again so far.
She wants to give me time, and that feels warm in my chest. Just like the loving looks she gives me and our gentle touches whenever we’re alone.
The vehicle stops. ‘The ER team will take care of you in a moment,’ Nyla explains to our patient. ‘You’ll get an X-ray, and then we’ll see what’s next.’
‘Will I need surgery?’ She lowers her eyelids to her upper arm, now turned dark blue, which we stabilized provisionally at the accident site.
Nyla hands her a fresh cold pack. ‘We’ll know soon.’
I open the side door and help the patient out of the vehicle. The three of us enter the emergency department; Nyla’s boss, Dr. Franks, is the first to reach us.
‘What have we got?’ he asks.
‘Female, forty-two, bicycle accident. Severe pain in the elbow area, restricted movement, no loss of consciousness, no signs of traumatic brain injury,’ I inform him.
Nyla gives the vital signs. ‘Which treatment room is free?’
‘She’s going straight to X-ray.’ Dr. Franks points in the direction, and Nyla reports the medication our patient received on scene. ‘Have you checked peripheral circulation and sensation?’ he then asks.
‘Yes, unremarkable before transport, but not again on the way here.’ Nyla opens the door to the X-ray room for us. ‘Hand is warm, capillary refill time three seconds, slight tingling.’
We’d already had the central desk pass on that the woman might have nerve or circulation damage, but even so, Dr. Franks’ expression turns serious now.
‘Let’s see if we can get some imaging,’ he says, then turns to Nyla.
‘Can you stay with the patient for a moment, Dr. Moore? It’s pretty busy today and I want this clarified as quickly as possible. ’
Nyla looks at me questioningly. ‘Would you mind doing the paperwork on your own just this once?’
‘Sure, where will I find you then?’
‘Room Two should be free,’ Dr. Franks answers for Nyla and squeezes past me in a rush to leave the room. ‘Thank you for your help, Dr. Moore.’
‘Of course.’ Nyla turns to the patient, the radiologic technologist comes in and helps prepare her for the X-rays.
I watch for a moment as she positions the arm with utmost care, then slip out into the hallway and head to the emergency department coordination desk.
There I run into Ray, who tells me that he and his wife have found their dream house.
‘We’re signing the contract tomorrow.’ Everything about him radiates excitement.
‘Wow, that was fast, congrats.’ I clap him on the shoulder, and my thoughts briefly drift to Camee’s house—my house. ‘Let me know if you need help with the move.’
‘Thanks for the offer, I’ll definitely take you up on that.’ Ray raises a hand. ‘But I’ve got to run now, see you later.’
I say goodbye and turn to the transfer form for our patient. As I fill it out, my mind goes back to Lilly’s list and Nyla’s medical history.
You, too, have a past and a future, and no matter how much that scares you, both are part of you.
Even before Nyla said those words yesterday, I knew they were true. Now I dare to at least go through the list in my mind.
Adopt a dog from an animal shelter.
Get up in the middle of the night, hike up a mountain, and watch the sunrise.
Learn to dance tango.
Count the stars over Greenland.
Taste everything you’ve never eaten before.
Create the most beautiful garden in the world.
Walk across hot coals.
Could I experience these things for Camee? Keep my promise, draw close to her and to the memories of her?
And if the answer is yes, which of these points would be doable?
Greenland would require preparation, vacation requests, travel planning. Nyla has only just started her job; she probably won’t be able to take time off for months.
Months.
That feels safe. So safe that I try to imagine what might be waiting for us in Greenland.
We’re lying side by side in the snow, wrapped in thick jackets. My breath freezes in the air, above us the sky stretches out, endless and full of light. Stars, so many that it’s impossible to count them. And yet Nyla starts.
I turn my head toward her, see how her face relaxes in the glow of the night, and wish that nothing else mattered but this moment. That what we’re doing here had no significance. That there were no worries, no past, no fear. Only us, the sky, and the feeling that we belong here.
‘Hey, you have to join in.’ Nyla nudges me gently and doesn’t stop until I lift my gaze to the sky.
My little sister loved the stars, watching them for nights on end through her toy telescope. She knew every constellation, knew all about the phenomena that take place in the infinite expanses of the universe.
There are too many of them, she explained to me more than once, disappointed, but every time, a little later, she would clench her fists. One day I’ll count them, she’d say then, looking so determined.
She was a fighter, always had been. Still, she lost the most important battle of her life.
It hurts. Just thinking about it hurts. I’m confused, sad, shaken – but somehow I’m holding it together.
Will there come a day when it won’t hurt anymore?
Thoughtfully, I slide the handover report for the patient with the upper arm fracture across the counter.
The emergency coordinator taps an empty space at the bottom of the sheet. ‘The signature is missing here.’
I sign, then make my way to treatment room two.
Through the glass panel in the door I spot Nyla talking with two other doctors.
One with dark curls piled into a messy bun, the other with a precisely cut blonde bob and piercing blue eyes.
Probably surgeons assessing whether the arm needs to be operated on.
Now Nyla points to the screen showing our patient’s X-ray. Her cheeks are slightly flushed, her lips purse with every word in a way that makes me want to kiss her immediately.
I lean against the doorframe and watch her.
Hard to believe that not so long ago she was ill.
Yesterday she told me quite a bit about herself, and now, seeing her standing there in the treatment room, I remember all those moments when she talked about health risks with that seemingly excessive seriousness.
Her overprotective manner, her health obsession, her difficulty letting go.
She is afraid. For her life, which she has already almost lost once.
And now I feel that fear too. There’s no reason for it, I know that, yet it’s there. I shouldn’t allow it to steal my happiness, but I also sense that I can’t ignore it.
Out of nowhere, a doctor is beside me.
The collar of his shirt and his tie peek out from under his coat.
With a flourish he enters the treatment room, and the expressions of the two female surgeons change.
The blonde one tenses up as if she had to brace herself for a fight, the one with the curls studies him with a strangely intent look.
While the other doctors are discussing things among themselves, Nyla’s gaze drifts over to me. She gives me a warm smile. I smile back, and all at once I wonder whether it isn’t just as hard for Nyla to experience Camee’s dreams with me as it is for me.
Maybe not every single item, but some of them.
Tasting everything she’s never eaten before, for example.
At the fair she didn’t want cotton candy, roasted almonds, or a hot dog.
Too unhealthy. She didn’t say it, but I saw it in her eyes.
Tasting everything she’s never eaten before must be an enormous effort for her.
And yet that’s exactly what she suggested yesterday. She would cross every one of her own boundaries just so I’ll try it too.
Warmth rises up inside me, and with it a thought that moves me. If we experience Lilly’s wishes together, far more could happen than just my keeping the promise I made her.
I could learn to live with my loss. Work through what happened, get my life back. Build something with Nyla, continue my studies, renovate the house. I could heal, but that might not be all.
Nyla could, too.
Out of my inner conflict, new hope grows. My breathing quickens, but I still signal to Nyla to come over to me as soon as she’s finished with her work.
A little later she joins me out in the hallway. ‘Did something happen?’ she asks anxiously. Apparently she’s noticed how worked up I am.
Gently, I reach for her hands, my gaze finding hers. ‘Let’s give it a try.’
‘Lilly’s list?’ she asks, and I nod. A fraction of a second later, a radiance like a thousand suns takes over her face. ‘Okay,’ she says, then she kisses me, just like that, right in the middle of the ER, and makes the ground beneath me shake, just like that, simply because she’s with me.