Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
NYLA
‘Come on,’ I implore my phone, but the screen stays black.
Damn it. I hurl the phone onto the bed and pace up and down my room.
It’s been twenty-two hours since I last saw Jaden in the hospital park. One thousand three hundred and twenty minutes in which I’ve hoped he’d think about my words and get in touch.
But he hasn’t.
No call. No message. Nothing.
I’ve long since run out of tears, but the sadness inside me doesn’t dry up. On the contrary, it keeps growing.
‘Hey, where were you?’ June’s cheerful voice carries through the closed door. Who is she talking to?
‘You’ll never believe this…,’ I hear Autumn reply, who nobody in the flat-share saw last night.
‘Does it have something to do with your patient’s dad?’ June asks excitedly.
‘Maybe.’ Autumn sounds dreamy. ‘I’ve got to go, we’ll talk later.’
‘We definitely should, I’ve got news too,’ June says.
Fabric rustles; they’re probably hugging right now. I reach for my phone. Still no message from Jaden. He’s probably gotten rid of Lilly’s bucket list for good and left Halifax.
Damn it, I shouldn’t have let him go, shouldn’t have trusted that he’d come to his senses on his own.
At least June is here now. I pull my door open and look out into the hallway, where I just see the top of Autumn’s red hair disappearing through the front door.
‘Hey, June, do you have a moment for me?’ I ask, and at the same moment I become aware of her rosy cheeks and shining eyes. She looks as happy as I could be too, together with Jaden, if he would just give in.
‘Hey, what’s going on?’ She tilts her head to the side, looking worried.
My shoulders slump forward; she comes over to me and pulls me into her arms.
‘Everything’s going to be okay,’ she whispers in my ear. ‘Believe me, I know for sure, in the end everything will be okay.’
I wish that were the truth. ‘And if it’s not?’
Her hand gently strokes my back. ‘Is it because of Jaden?’
It’s basically impossible, and yet I’ve got tears in my eyes again. My nose swells up, I start to sob.
‘Shhh,’ June murmurs and rocks me back and forth until I at least calm down a little. ‘What happened?’
‘I… he… we can’t…’ I stammer.
Gently, she creates some distance between us so she can look at me. Then her gaze wanders over my face. She looks at me the way a doctor looks at a patient. ‘Your test results were good, there’s no reason…’
I quickly shake my head. ‘I’m healthy. But Jaden…’
She steers me toward my bed and we sink down onto it. ‘What did he do?’
All at once she sounds confrontational, and despite my despair the corners of my mouth lift, because that’s just how June goes through life. She doesn’t let go, always wants to move forward, no matter how hard the road is.
But this road would be too hard even for her. They call us doctors ‘gods in white,’ yet we’re just as powerless in the face of fate as any other human being.
I let out a long breath. ‘Jaden might be sick.’
She freezes for a moment. ‘How sick?’ she asks, and I tell her about my tentative diagnosis and everything that has happened since.
The whole time, her arm rests protectively around my shoulders; she hums in understanding, asks questions, catches me when I falter.
‘And how did you come to suspect that?’ she wants to know afterwards.
‘There are indications,’ I say quickly, and I tell her about all the facts that reinforce my suspicion, and in the end she nods sadly.
‘That does sound worrying, but he definitely needs further tests. Your clues also fit dozens of other conditions that are harmless on top of that.’ Her hands gently stroke my arm.
‘Those are exactly what he doesn’t want.’ My voice is brittle. ‘How do I get him to change his mind?’
For a while we are silent, each trapped in her own thoughts, then June straightens up.
‘Okay, let’s approach this analytically.’ Motivated, she taps her chin. ‘As if his refusal to be examined were a diagnostically puzzling case.’
In the midst of my helplessness, I smile. ‘You’re crazy.’
‘Not at all.’ Now she raises her index finger. ‘We’ll start with the symptoms. What do we have?’
‘A completely distorted view of reality,’ I reply. ‘He accepts that he might be ill, but he doesn’t want clarity.’
‘Even though it could save his life.’ June jumps up from the bed. ‘What else?’
Her enthusiasm rubs off on me. ‘Fear.’
‘That’s not a symptom.’ Chewing on her lower lip, she paces up and down in front of me. ‘It’s the cause, the underlying condition, if you will.’
I’d gotten that far myself. I shrug. ‘And now what?’
‘We could ask Sonora, but I don’t think you can surgically remove fear.’ June’s gaze drifts to the window and loses itself somewhere in the clouds in the sky. ‘We need the right pill.’
‘Even if I had it, he probably wouldn’t swallow it voluntarily.’ A sigh escapes my mouth. ‘He has to want it, on his own, but how do I get him to that point?’ Yesterday in the park I tried everything; I have no idea what else I could say.
June sucks in her lower lip. ‘When kids don’t want to take their medicine, you hide it in pudding.’
I let myself fall back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. ‘I already tried that by giving him Lilly’s list.’
Out of the corner of my eye, I see June step up to the window. ‘Maybe it just takes a little while for the pill to work?’
‘Twenty-two hours and…’ I check the time on my phone—no messages, of course not—’…eighteen minutes.’ If he wanted to keep going with Lilly’s dreams or get examined, he would have gotten in touch by now. ‘It should have kicked in long ago.’
I stare at the ceiling as if the solution were hiding up there.
‘What if you grant him his wish?’ June asks softly into the silence between us.
‘Would you do that?’ Could she? Give up the man she loves, who means the world to her, who has given her so much? No. She couldn’t, and we both know that. That’s probably why she doesn’t answer.
She would fight until there is nothing left to fight for. And I won’t do anything else either, at least as far as one thing is concerned.
‘He has to agree to the examination. If it turns out that his prognosis is poor, then…’ I can’t bring myself to say what would then be inevitable. Nevertheless, I wonder what will happen if he refuses treatment once he knows his diagnosis and the odds.
He is a competent adult who may not be treated against his will.
Could I really go with him, wherever he wants to go? Stay with him and share crazy, beautiful, and unforgettable experiences with him until he can’t anymore?
Is that love? Accepting the other person’s wishes even though you think they’re wrong? Not wanting to change the other person, even when it’s a matter of life and death? Letting go when the other person doesn’t want to be held on to?
I turn my head and see June standing by the window, withdrawn into herself. With her fingertips, she is touching the leaves of my mini orchid.
When Olive gave it to me, I didn’t want to have it. My worry was too great that I would never see it bloom, because my cancer might come back and bring me to my knees again.
I was afraid to dream of a future that might never come. Afraid of the disappointment. Nevertheless, the little plant now sits on my windowsill, laden with tiny white-and-yellow blossoms, with rich dark green leaves and strong roots.
It is living proof of how wrong all the advice was that my fear whispered to me for so long.
If Jaden could see this plant the way I see it now, with everything it means, then he would understand too: Life isn’t always just about risks – the ones we take and the ones we don’t – or about what we lose in the process.
Every day, things happen in this world that no one sees coming.
Nothing is guaranteed. In the end, it’s about seeing the chances too. About hoping, trusting, dreaming.
About living.
Wait a second.
I jerk upright, my gaze still fixed on the orchid. ‘I think I know.’
‘Hm?’ June says absently.
Excitement spreads through me, a glorious tingling in my arms, my legs, my stomach.
I spring up from the bed and run over to June. ‘I know what medicine he needs.’
I have her attention at once. ‘What kind?’
‘Not some pill you can’t force down his throat, but something that helps against denying reality.’ My God, why didn’t I think of it sooner.
‘But how is that supposed to solve his underlying problem?’ Her brows draw together. ‘You’d only be treating the symptom, his illness would still be there.’
‘It’s like a virus.’ You can’t treat that either, you can only ease the symptoms and leave the healing to time.
‘Okay.’ Still confused, she brushes her blond hair back. ‘And what helps against his refusal to face reality?’
I grin broadly. ‘He has to see the future he could have with his own eyes.’ Just like I did with my orchid. ‘He has to see what he can’t imagine through words alone.’
‘And that means that…’
‘That I really have to go now,’ I say and pull June into my arms. ‘Thank you, you’re the best diagnostician in the world.’
‘Well, actually you yourself…’ She breaks off mid-sentence and waves it away. ‘Whatever.’ She looks at me fondly. ‘Whatever you’re planning, you can do it.’
I have to, and I will. Because no matter how high the risk is that it won’t work, there’s also a chance that I’ll save Jaden with it. And no matter how small that chance may be, I know one thing for sure: it’s real.