10. Stand By Me #3
Rolling my eyes, I run my fingers along Pam’s fur, feeling her body miraculously continuing to breathe, though labored and less steady. “I won’t fall for that PTA charm, Jordan. You know what I mean. What happened to med school? Cardiology…? Practicing here in Honey Hill?”
“I couldn’t do it.” He shrugs, though it’s anything but nonchalant.
“I was wait-listed before… before James. And after, when I did go, we did an early rotation in a pediatric cardiology wing, and I froze, Red. I couldn’t do it.
Looking people—kids—in the eye everyday, studying the intricacies of the organ that keeps them alive and not knowing if I’d be strong enough to lose one… I just couldn’t.”
I don’t know what to say. Because I get it.
That frozen, I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this feeling.
And it makes me immeasurably sad. When I didn’t think I could put one foot in front of the other, I at least had Dinah pushing my butt out of bed, insisting I shower, dress, eat, function.
I had a baby who needed her mother. I wonder who, if anyone, did that for Jordan.
“Are you happy with where you ended up?” I feel as if I’m holding my breath. Because even if I have lingering frustration with him, I do want Jordan to be satisfied with his life. “Are you happy working with animals?”
“I’m getting there.” His tender smile brightens his eyes. “I love the animals and the feeling that I might be doing something special for their people. I mean… who wouldn’t want to snuggle puppies and kittens and—”
“Sit at an alpaca’s deathbed?”
He nods. “Even that. And now that I’m home… well, yeah, I’m grateful for where I ended up.”
“For what it’s worth, I do think you would’ve made a great pediatric cardiologist. You’re good with her. She’s smitten.”
He chuckles softly. “I’m smitten… clearly. She’s so easy and incredibly cool. You’ve done an amazing job with her, Emory.”
“Thanks.” My turn to shrug. “Like you said… she’s easy. Didn’t you ever want to get married? Have kids?”
He sighs. “Um, yeah. I did… I do.” A blush creeps across his cheeks as he looks down at Molly. “I was engaged… back in North Carolina. Her name was Lina.”
Engaged. I’m not sure why, but that stings. Jordan lived a life I know nothing about. He loved someone I know nothing about. “Oh… was?”
“For three months. She didn’t want kids. Or a dog. Or to live in Honey Hill. I thought she’d change her mind. She thought she could be with other men and I wouldn’t find out.”
“I’m sorry, Jordan.”
“Don’t be.” Blowing out a breath, he shakes his head and smiles, finally looking at me, then back to Molly. “She wasn’t the one for me. I thank God it didn’t work out, because it led me back here. Home. And I… I never want to miss another day of this.”
It’s a strange sensation to suddenly want to know every detail and none at all.
I’d like to know about this Lina woman. Who she was.
Her profession, hobbies, what she and Jordan did together.
But in some respects, the details aren’t important.
Not anymore. Despite the complicated emotions of having Jordan pop back into my life, he was…
and possibly is… my friend. And I hate the idea of him hurting over someone who didn’t care or appreciate him.
In fact, I silently say a prayer of thanks that Lina was a fool and her garbage choices led to Jordan’s return.
It hurts, but I’m so grateful he’s here.
“Alliteration is so overrated, don’t you think? I mean… Lina Love?” I blurt, letting my head fall against the wall. “Bleh. It just doesn’t sound good. It never would’ve worked. I think you really dodged a bullet.”
Jordan’s answering chuckle is my unexpected reward.
Molly smiles in her sleep, and we both take a sacred, silent moment to watch her.
“When she was a baby, I just stared at her while she slept,” I admit, gazing at her, even now, in complete wonder of the human I still can’t believe I helped create.
“For hours and hours I couldn’t look away—didn’t want to—wondering what she was dreaming about…
smiling about… feeling. She was so perfect and innocent.
And I had this holy responsibility to take care of her. It felt impossible.”
“But you did it.”
I nod. “I did. By God’s grace. But I think I’ve screwed some things up along the way—”
“You haven’t. You’re perfect, Emory. Exactly what she needs.” He pauses, eyes locked on mine.
I’m not sure how to name what’s happening—what’s happened—in the quiet, secret spaces of my heart tonight. The ones that long to be seen, to be cherished, and yet, are too afraid to be shattered again. But in this moment, I feel seen. By Jordan. By my old friend and, somehow, also my new friend.
Breaking the tension, he clears his throat—another blush blooms under the scruff of his jaw and cheeks—and I’m entirely grateful he does so. My thoughts and emotions are too cloudy to feel so much right now.
“Do you know if… Have you tested her yet?”
“No.” He doesn’t have to elaborate. James died from Brugada syndrome.
Something he never knew he had but is highly hereditary.
“We can start genetic testing when she goes through puberty, but it’s rare in kids, so I try not to worry.
Right now, blissful ignorance is the name of the game. Otherwise, I’d go crazy.”
Pamela suddenly makes a pained sound, jarring us both. Jordan looks down at Molly, who hasn’t stirred, obviously unsure of how to move her without waking her. Hopping up, I start to slip my hands beneath her, but he stops me. “It’s her reflexes. She’s getting close.”
“Oh.” Tears brim in my eyes, despite how hard I try to avoid them and how very much I don’t want to cry in front of Jordan. “What do I do?”
“Stay with her. Talk to her. Let her know you’re here.
” His patient, close-lipped smile is the one I remember.
Understanding and kind. The empathetic softness that made him an easy friend and would have made him an incredible physician.
“I’ll take Molly to her room and be back in a minute. If that’s alright with you?”
“Yes…” I say, wiping tears from my cheeks. “Okay.”
He lifts himself and Molly from the floor effortlessly, heading for the hallway, before I call him back. “Jordan.”
“Yeah, Red?”
“Thank you. For today.” It’s hard to look him in the eye, knowing he’s seeing pieces of me that I’ve successfully kept to myself for a long time.
But Jordan showed up today in more ways than one.
Whether he sticks around or not, I want him to know the truth right now.
I want to be more like Molly, even if the simple admission makes me feel as if I’m laying myself bare.
“I’m glad you’re here. That you’re home. ”
He holds Molly a little closer, like she’s his security blanket now. I feel that hug wrap around my heart and take hold. He loves her.
“Me too, Red.”
When his footsteps grow faint down the hallway, I tell Pam she’ll always be my favorite.
That James, Molly, and I loved her from the moment she joined us, and I’m so thankful she stuck around for so long.
I apologize for her pain and not catching this stupid parasite sooner.
And then I tell her she can rest now. That I won’t leave her for a second. I say goodbye.
When Jordan returns to the room a few minutes later, she’s already gone.