25. Chapter 25
Erik
"Earth to Erik." Aunt Molly waves her hand in front of my face. "Are you with me?"
I blink and refocus on the present. Am I?
We’re spending my lunch break together at Caleb’s, the soft hum of afternoon patrons around us, coffee and pastries on our table. He still has his autumn decorations up and marbled, leaf-shaped cookies for sale up front.
The truth is, my thoughts were about 500 miles away from our conversation. As much as I love listening to her stories about clients or a gallery she's working with, my mind is in about a million different places.
Kylie.
The bones.
And yes, Lilith.
I clear my throat and run my palm over my face. Focus, Erik. "Sorry. Yeah, I'm with you."
She shakes her head with a playfully disapproving pout. Then her eyebrows knit with worry.
"Are you thinking about Lilith?"
The smile slowly drops off my face. I should have known. Aunt Molly was always great at reading me. When I was a teenager, I was convinced she’d dabbled in witchcraft, due to how accurate she was. Turns out she only has scarily-good intuition, no magic involved.
"Yeah. No. Kind of," I admit, rubbing the back of my neck and shooting her a sheepish look.
She takes a sip of her coffee, then reaches over the table and takes my hand in hers, the concerned frown deepening.
"Talk to me, Erik. What’s going on?"
I stare at our hands, try to focus on them to get the words out that I’ve had on the tip of my tongue from the moment she walked into Caleb’s. The words I’ve been thinking ever since my last trip to a supposed Lilith.
"It's just..." I run my free hand over my face, guilt tightening my throat.
"I'm starting to lose hope." I can't even look at her and instead keep my eyes on my own coffee. "I’ve been searching all these years, to no avail. I don’t even have a hint of where she could be and what happened. Always getting my hopes up only for them to be fruitless – It’s getting tough.
" I bite the inside of my cheek in an attempt to keep my emotions at bay and clear my throat again. "I'm sorry."
"What in the ever-loving hell are you sorry for?" Molly lets out a deep sigh and pats the back of my hand. I still can’t bear to tear my eyes away from my coffee.
"For not finding her. For not even having a lead," I mumble, shame washing over me.
"Erik, look at me." Finally, I lift my head and let my eyes meet hers.
"None of this is your fault. It's not even your father's fault, even though he made one hell of a stupid decision.
Sometimes the universe is cruel and unfair for no reason.
Sadly, this is one of those situations. It's not on your shoulders to make up for fate. "
My shoulders drop, still heavy with guilt and shame, but also, the slightest bit of relief.
"On a logical level, I know that," I say, tapping my fingers against the table. "It doesn’t make it any easier for my heart to accept it, though."
"Erik.” She lets out a deep sigh, amusement breaking her breath.
“You're stubborn. Just like your dad. Just like me. It’s unfortunately a family trait.
And as a fellow stubborn person, I'm telling you: it's okay if you stop.” She lays her hand on my cheek.
“I will not be mad at you, and neither will Anthony.
We love you because you're a lovely young man, not because you're still searching for your sister. "
Her eyes turn glassy. Emotions burn in the back of my throat.
"It's a heavy burden you've been carrying around with yourself. What I'm trying to say is, you can set it down at any time. Don't hurt yourself on my account. Or on Anthony's. As tightly as he’s holding on to hope, he’ll make his peace with it if you’re too burnt to keep searching."
She rapidly blinks away tears, but one makes its way down her cheek and she retracts her hand.
"Ugh, damn it." She hastily wipes it away.
"Whenever you tell me about a potential lead and how it didn't work out, a part of me is almost relieved.
Because it means you haven't found her body or bones in some ditch.
" Now it's my turn to squeeze her hand one she returns it to the table.
"And as long as you haven't found a corpse, I can hold on to the hope that she's alive out there somewhere.
I can convince myself she's living a happy life. "
Her lips tug into a sad smile. "But we both know it's not the only way her life might have turned out."
I gulp and nod slowly. She's right.
Thankfully, I haven't worked any of those cases firsthand, though I'm sure Rick has. Maybe those are what made him the unlikeable guy he is today. However, I'm painfully aware of them. I know what can happen to young girls if they get into drugs or land in the wrong hands.
"I know," I choke out. "I have similar thoughts." She takes my hand in hers again.
"So, if it is what you need, then stop. If you need my permission, you have it."
"What I need is closure," I explain, lifting my coffee with slightly trembling hand to take a sip.
"And I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Not having closure is a buzzing kind of pain I've gotten used to.
I can deal with it. But the occasional hope that immediately resulting in a free fall?
That's a new pain, much harder to deal with each and every time.
" I let out a deep sigh. "Knowing my luck, as soon as I decide to give up, the one lead that will help us find her comes.
" I shake my head. "I can't stop. But God, some days I want to, desperately. "
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Erik." She lets go of my hand to drink the rest of her coffee. "If anyone in this scenario should be hard on themselves, it's your mother. And she's not going to bother feeling bad about what she put into motion, so really, why should you?"
Our eyes meet and we stare at each other. One blink. Two. Then, as if on cue, we both burst into laughter.
"Fuck, you're right." With a chuckle, I fiddle with my empty mug, feeling a lot better. “That's some perspective."
And she’s right. My mother never bothered to check in once she got out of prison. Never even reached out or asked about Lilith, at least not as far as I’m aware. So far, it’s the best argument I heard to not be so hard on myself. It might just be the one to stick.
"I know, right?" Her smile softens. "You do what's best for yourself, Erik. Now, let’s talk about less heavy topics."
“How did the autumn fair booth go?”
“Oh, amazing! I got two inquiries for custom paintings and we had a lot of fun.”
Suddenly a quick movement outside catches my eye.
My gaze trails over her shoulder and out of one of Caleb’s giant windows facing the park, to where a familiar brown shadow darts over the lawn and sparse hay remainders from the fair.
Another familiar brown-haired figure throws a frisbee for Abby to catch.
"Anyway, don't let me keep you any longer." Aunt Molly gets up, and so do I.
"I have all the time in the world for you, Aunt Molly." I offer her my arm.
“Such a charmer,” she pats the back of my hand. “Well, I don’t, I have two custom paintings to finish. But good to know I did at least something right when I raised you.”
“You did a lot of things right.”
We walk outside arm in arm and I wave as we walk by Caleb. He’s cleaning the counter, mumbling what I assume are complaints under his breath and he only acknowledges me with a curt nod. However, when aunt Molly says goodbye, he manages to twist the corners of his mouth up into a smile.
As soon as we’re on the sidewalk, my eyes dart over to the park, trying to spot Kylie as I accompany aunt Molly to her car. Her silver Audi is parked right in front of Caleb's, only a few steps away from the entrance.
"Now, honey, don't be a stranger." She pats my shoulder and inspects my face. "How about you come over for dinner next week?"
"I’d love that." I open the car door for her. "Will you make your chicken pot pie? Pretty please?" I’ve been yearning for it ever since the weather has gotten colder.
She chuckles. "For you, anytime, sweetie." She puts her hand on my cheek and gives it a gentle tap. "Now go off. I see the way you keep staring at the park. Tell the pretty girl from the autumn fair ‘hi’ from me."
A grin tugs on my lips. Of course she’d notice. "Will do." I lean in and kiss her cheek. "Get home safely."
"Will do," she repeats teasingly and buckles herself in. "Next week, let’s say Thursday?” I nod. I have no idea what my calendar looks like but I’ll make the time if needed. “Great, that settles it. Same time as always, don't be late."
"I wouldn't dare." She starts the car and off she drives.
As soon as she's out of sight, I make my way across the street. It was a heavy conversation, nonetheless one I needed to have with her. Though I’m not sure if I’m feeling lighter because of it, or because Kylie is only a few more meters away.
As soon as Abby spots me, she sprints my way. I have to admit, the fact her dog likes me so much she greets me with enough fervor to make me stumble a few steps back is such an ego boost.
And the fact her owner likes me too? One of life’s jackpots, truly.
"Abby!" Kyle shouts and runs after her. Halfway through the square, she lifts her head, notices me and slows down. "Oh, Erik." Confusion on her face quickly makes way for the brightest smile. “Hi!”
The sound of Kylie's voice alone is enough to calm the storm inside my mind. All the conflicting emotions about finding Lilith, the guilt gnawing at the periphery of my mind at all times, crime statistics, worry, they fall silent the moment she says my name.
"Hi, babe." For a moment she stares at me, tilting her head. Then, without a word, she walks into me and snakes her arms around my middle, as if she knows something is wrong. Just like that, the remaining weight on my shoulders lifts off.
I bury my nose in her hair, close my eyes and take a deep breath. Her scent reminds me of late nights, the warm milk with honey aunt Molly always says ‘soothes minds.’ I already feel so much better.
"Thanks. I needed that," I mumble and hug her a little tighter before I let her go.
"Is everything okay?" A worried crease appears between her eyebrows, and I can't help but lean in and try to kiss it away.
"I’m okay,” I mumble, my face only a breath away from hers. “Only some emotions all over the place."
"Oh." She breaks the hug, taking a step back, her face falling.
"Not about you," I quickly clarify and grab her hand to lace my fingers with hers and pull her closer again. Then I lift and press a kiss to the back of it. "About Lilith."
"Oh," she whispers again, but this time, she sounds relieved. Her shoulders sag, visibly relaxing. "I'm sorry, Erik. That sucks. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"A hug," I confess and gulp. "I'm pretty sure another hug would do the trick."
"Okay, well, don't twist my arm." She pulls her hand out of mine and snakes her arms around my again, under my jacket, her cheek resting right over my heart. "Is this okay?"
"This is perfect," I mumble and fold my arms around her too while Abby darts all around us chasing golden leaves, flying around the main square park.