33. Chapter 33
Kylie
My stomach churns as I pull into my driveway. It's just Zach, I keep telling myself. I doubt he's here with any ulterior or shady motives. I don't even think he actually wants me back.
What he desperately needs right now is a friend. And as much as it hurts to admit, considering for how long I loved this man, this friend cannot be me anymore.
Abby darts out of the car as soon as I open the trunk, waiting patiently for me on my porch. I stay by the car for another moment and watch the front door.
Take a deep breath, Kylie. Everything is okay. You two will talk like adults, and then he'll go on his merry way and you can close the chapter for good this time.
The lightest rain falls from the sky, almost more of a mist than actual rain.
Determined, I push myself off my car and rush up the steps to my front porch. Let’s get this over with before I change my mind.
To warn him in case he didn’t hear me pull into the driveway, I ring the doorbell before unlocking the door.
“Zach,” I shout as soon as I push the door open. “I'm back.”
“Hi.” It’s so surreal to hear him.
I toe out of my shoes and find him in my kitchen, trying to navigate the coffee machine. He's wearing his shirt of our university's hockey team and sweatpants.
“You look better,” I note. Color has returned to his face, he combed his hair and even shaved. “Had a good night's sleep?”
“Yeah, I actually did.” He curses under his breath and throws his hands in the air. Huh. I half figured Elizabeth would be pissed off enough at him in her room, she’d keep him up. “I'm sorry, I don't understand your coffee machine.”
“I got it.” I motion for him to move aside.
“Your place is kind of freaky though,” he continues, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I think your house is haunted.”
“Oh, I know.” I shrug and check how much coffee powder he put into the filter. Not nearly enough for my taste, so I add some more. My house, my coffee.
“You know?” His eyes widen. “And you never thought to warn me?”
“What would the alternative have been, Zach?” I shoot him an unimpressed look over my shoulder. “Where else would you have slept? Because trust me, I wasn't about to bring you to my boyfriend's place.”
“Right.” He grimaces and rubs the back of his neck. “The boyfriend.”
“Yes, the boyfriend,” I repeat and start the machine. “Zach, we need to talk.”
“Uh-oh. Last time you said it didn’t end well. Can the conversation wait until I drink my first coffee?”
“No.” I shake my head and lean my back against the counter, crossing my arms in front of my chest. This time, the words went a lot easier over my lips.
“Okay.” He straightens his shoulders and takes a deep breath, then mirrors me and leans against my kitchen island.
“I'm not your person anymore.”
He flinches, as if I struck him.
“Getting right to it, aren’t you.” Zach lowers his head dejectedly, hair falling into his face. “Yes. I know.”
I feel a little bad about it. Only for a fraction of a second, though.
“I have told you for years what I needed from you. I have also been telling you for years your job would throw you aside the first hint of a burnout they got.”
“Yeah, you did. This is your ‘I told you so’ moment.”
I grab a hand towel and throw it at him. How dare he make this about glee?
“This is not about a fucking ‘I told you so’ moment.” My jaw sets and I bite the inside of my cheek. “This is not a damn competition. These are our fucking lives.”
“I know,” he shoots back. Then adds way softer, “I know.”
We’ve had this fight countless times, and countless times I’ve heard him tell me ‘he knows.’ This is the first time I believe he means it. Because it's not accompanied by an eye roll or an annoyed sigh. Only resignation, shoulders sinking and a dejected hand running through his hair.
“I know it now.”
“Well, I’m glad you do.” I force myself to take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to contain the anger bubbling up inside me.
“But I can't be here for you anymore. I was there for you for years, begging for crumbs of attention and affection, only to be treated like a roommate you were occasionally sharing a bed with.”
“But-”
“Shut the hell up and let me talk, Zach. For years, you put your job first. That was your decision. I respected it. But I also told you countless times how neglected I felt. I can't suddenly muster up any sympathy for you after all of this.”
Awkward silence fills the room. Not even Elizabeth feels the need to chime in.
“You're my first love and you'll always have a place in my heart. But we’re over, Zach. We’ve been over for years.” It's almost funny how easily the words come out of my lips now.
“And I can't be your friend. Because when I see you, what I remember most is not your love or your affection. It's those last years. And it hurts.”
“I'm so sorry, Kylie.”
“I know you are.” I throw my hands in the air. “Which makes this even harder to stomach. I’m glad you’re seeing the light but it’s years too late.”
“Do you still love me?”
My jaw drops. Did he really just ask me that?
“Be honest with me, Kylie. If we hadn't divorced, do you think we could have come back from it?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Divorce was the only endgame. My love for you died about half a year before I asked you for it. I still remember it, clear as day. You returned home at eleven at night, walked right past me without any kind of acknowledgement, didn’t even touch the dinner I left out for you, and fell into bed. ”
No ‘Hi honey, so good to see you’ Not even a kiss.
“You left your shoes in the middle of the hallway. Threw your clothes in the corner for me to pick up. On that night I realized, you didn’t even see me as your roommate, but as some kind of household help.”
“I'm sorry,” he mumbles again. “I sound like an inconsiderate prick.”
“Because you are. Were.”
“I don't know what to do.” He shakes his head.
“It's scary. They fired me and ever since then I’m completely numb.
I didn't know who to call. I didn't know who to tell.
I came home to an empty house and I realized I don't even have any hobbies anymore.” He runs his hand through his hair.
“Thank you for letting me stay here last night, Ky. I'm going to get out of your hair.”
“Zach.” He freezes in front of my stairs, about to head to the second level to get his stuff.
“You deserve better. Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you're a lost cause, you know.
Find a job with work-life balance. Live that work-life balance.
Meet people who are not your coworker. Pay Brad and his wife a visit.
And maybe one day we'll meet again and reminisce our marriage and can laugh about how dumb we were. But this is not the time yet.”
“Okay,” he mumbles with a nod and bolts upstairs.
I stare at the spot on my shelf where I first placed the picture from our honeymoon. Funny, how quickly things can change. How little it took for me to go from a woman who has to keep fighting for an ounce of attention, to confidence in my new relationship.
Old Kylie wouldn’t have been confident enough to tell Zach her opinion this clearly.
I like new Kylie better.
Two minutes later, he’s trudging back downstairs, wearing jeans and a proper sweatshirt, a bag slung over his shoulder.
“Tell your boyfriend I hope he treats you well.”
We stand in front of each other awkwardly. A part of me wants to give him a hug. Console him. Hold his hand through this transition.
But I don’t.
“I’ll tell him.” I clear my throat, snaking my arms around my middle. “And please, for fuck's sake, Zach, stop talking to my mom.”
“Don't worry.” His face pulls into a grimace and he cringes. “I'm not eager to listen to your mom preach about both of us going to hell.”
“I'm so sorry, Zach. Seriously, block her. Move on with your life.”
He shakes his head, a sad smile playing at his lips. “Be well, Kylie.”
“I will be. You too, Zach.”
I lean against the doorway and watch him slip into his shoes. He shoots me one last look over his shoulder, then walks out of the door. As soon as it clicks shut behind him, I sink to my knees. This was a lot.
Abby is there immediately, puts her paws on my thighs and nudges her nose against my chin. Another warm presence makes itself known at my back. I knew it. Elizabeth is a girls’ girl.
“I know, Abbs,” I mumble and run my hands through her fur. “We don't need him. We're a perfect team as we are.” She nudges my cheek as if to say, ‘Only us?’
“Yeah, Erik is part of the team too, right?” I giggle. Speaking of. My phone buzzed around the time Zach went upstairs. I pull it out of my pocket, heart fluttering when I see Erik’s name in my notifications.
Erik: We got her.
“Oh my God.” I squeal, jump up and dart through my living room, then force myself to stop, as I pull up my chat with Gabriella.
Kylie: I might need to send you a bottle of champagne.
Gabriella: You found her?
Kylie: Apparently.
Gabriella: Hell yes. You can thank me with 50 pics of Abby.
Kylie: I will send you my whole damn gallery. Give your contact a little smooch from me!!
Gabriella: Ew, no.
Kylie: Okay, then tell him thank you.
Gabriella: Absolutely. Happy celebrating!
Damn, why does it have to be early in the day? I wish I could rush out there and find Erik. But even working from home means work. He probably wouldn't have time for me in the middle of his workday anyway.
Kylie: Erik, I'm so happy for you.
Then I change my mind and call him. He answers within two rings.
“Oh my God, Erik. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you!”
“Thank you, Kylie.” His words are heavy with meaning, voice raspy.
“So where is she? What's her name?” I stop by my living room window, watching the lake. Soft waves break against the slim beach, cluttered with fallen leaves.
“She doesn’t even live too far away, actually. Maybe a two-hour drive.” He sounds robotic, as if he's still in shock. “And the name we found her under is Maya Kennedy.”
“Wow, that's a few ways off from Lilith Madden. So, are you driving over there now? Do you want me to come with you?”
“I don't know yet.” His voice breaks. The poor guy. “I can’t believe it’s real yet. I've searched for her all my life, and now that I've found her, I'm… scared.”
My breath hitches, and his voice breaking sends a dagger right through my heart.
“Take all the time you need, Erik. You found her. The hard part is done. Hours, even days, of emotional preparation won’t change a thing.”
“I know.” He lets out a deep sigh.
“Do you want me to check if I can find out more about her online?”
He takes a moment to think about it. “No. Not right now. I’m already overwhelmed.”
“Okay.” Worry settles in the back of my throat.
“I wish you were here.”
I wish I could crawl through my phone and right into his arms, because he sounds like he really needs a hug right now. “Come over tonight,” I propose, earning an approving hum.
“I can’t imagine anything I’d like to do more. Is your ex gone?”
“Yep. And he won’t be back, so don't worry about him.”
“I wasn't worrying. Listen, Kylie, I've got to go. Jodie is waving at me, which probably means she got a call. I'll see you soon.”
“Can't wait.”
For a moment, I stare at my dark phone screen.
Even though he finally found his sister, he didn’t sound happy about it.
All I heard was fear, apprehension and anxiety.
I can only hope finding her, alive, will be worth the decades of shattered hopes and dreams, not become the grand finale of broken hearts.