Chapter 17 #2
She started forward again, her pace as brisk as the descent would allow, and he moved to join her.
Amy knew she was not being entirely reasonable, and that part of the tempest that had risen up in her came from her fear of meeting an unknown man in the woods before she realized the gentleman was James.
However, she was tired of feeling conflicted about him—of missing him and knowing his heart lay elsewhere.
It was time he stopped being apologetic or solicitous of her safety or comfort, or paying her any heed whatsoever.
“It is not the same as in Charing,” he persisted. “There, everybody knows you. There are no strangers, only tenant farmers and villagers. Here there are all sorts of unknowns, including no shortage of beggars who might be reduced to taking from you to keep from starving.”
Amy continued her steps at the same rhythm, although such a thing was difficult with the downward slope and the uneven path. His words did nothing to mollify her. “I can only repeat that I am no longer your concern.”
She did not turn to see how James received these stringent words, but she felt their effect in the pause that ensued. It went on for several minutes, and she almost thought he would walk at her side in complete silence the rest of the way.
“Let me ask you something, Amy. Please,” he added as though afraid she would refuse him or object to his use of her name.
Something seemed to have changed in him since they had first met again in Spa.
There was something of the old familiarity and intimacy in his voice.
Her silence seemed to be the acquiescence he was waiting for, for he continued.
“Why did you refuse to marry me that night? Why did you tell me you would not tour the Continent with me? Why did you not trust that I would have seen things through?”
The last question was spoken in a plaintive tone that stung.
It was the last thing she had expected him to ask, and it was dangerously close to resuming their former affection.
However, the chance to explain herself and to settle a score was irresistible, and she did not attempt to deny the impulse.
“I was in turmoil.” She shot him a glance but kept walking.
“I had just learned of my engagement to Mr. Bromley from you. I knew your father did not approve of my family, and there you were, proposing yet another change for me to make. It was too much for me to decide on a moment’s notice.
Too much for me to endure.” The pain of that period came rushing back and caused anger to color her words.
“If you had come with me, I would have taken you away from all that.” James reached forward to push away a branch that stretched into the path, allowing her to walk in front of him.
“I could not leave my family in such a way. Who would have taken care of my sisters, and even my father? I had responsibilities. There are more important things in life than to go gadding about on tour.”
She paused briefly as the irony of her own words rang in the air, for where should she be now but on tour?
She rushed on before he noticed. “You did not even attempt to stay and support me. If you had, with time, I would have found the courage to respond to your invitation to marry, even as young and innocent as we both were.”
James’s brow was heavily creased when Amy stopped to face him.
“And why are you not with Miss Prexley? What are you doing here in the woods alone?”
James looked uncomfortable and cleared his throat. “I . . . prefer not to answer that right now.”
After an astonished pause, Amy turned forward and resumed walking, her irritation at his response fueling her steps.
I have answered his questions quite openly, and yet he prefers not to answer mine?
In her forthrightness, she had perhaps unwittingly revealed something of her heart when it was clear he was not worthy of it.
But it was too late to take her words back.
Well, their discussion would stop here, and she could not resist saying something to that effect.
“If you are not prepared to answer my questions, I do not see why I should answer any more of yours or even why we are walking together at all. You may allow me to continue on my way, sir, and follow at a distance.”
James had caught up to her and was at her side when her foot slipped in the mud. He darted his arm in front of her to prevent any possibility of her falling. But her shoes and the cane had come in handy, and she kept her tread.
“I will not ask you any more questions,” he said quietly. “But I must see you safely to town. And perhaps you will listen to what I have to say while we walk?”
It did not seem as though he were offering her a choice.
She wished she were strong enough to tell him she had no interest in hearing it, but it was the tone of his voice that stopped her from doing so—that and an overwhelming curiosity.
She had never loved anyone else in all the years they had been apart, and there were many things she still had no answer to.
Amy gave a slight nod, and they slowed their pace.
He lifted his eyes to the branches above and exhaled.
“I could not remain in Charing without any promise from you. I wasn’t about to sit there and watch you get married to someone else.
Besides, if I had not gone on the tour my great-aunt organized for me, I would have remained unfinished in my father’s—and your father’s—eyes. It is what a gentleman does.”
He helped her over a large root jutting from the earth before speaking again.
“Even had I learned that you broke off the engagement, what could I have done when you had refused me? Continued to haunt your doorstep and try to persuade you, although my father was not in favor of the match? I had no income, apart from what was handed down to me from my mother, and I had nothing to fill my days. A man cannot live like that.”
His words had tumbled out in a rush, and he looked at her now. “I don’t think a woman could live like that either. We all need a purpose in life. And it is not to remain at the bidding of anyone else, not even cherished family members.”
Tears stung Amy’s eyes, and she swallowed the lump that had risen in her throat.
He was speaking nothing but the truth, but what good did these admonitions do now?
He was betrothed to someone else, and she had no choice but to continue to accompany her family wherever they went.
Some truths were better left unexplored.
“I thank you for your explanation.” Her words came out stiffly. She slipped again, and again his hand went in front of her, but she righted herself before he could assist her.
“Might I offer you my arm?”
She shook her head. “I have my father’s cane, and that is enough.”