Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
ALLEY
I smack the snooze button for the third time before finally forcing myself upright, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
I grab the remote off the nightstand and hit the button for the blackout shades.
As they roll up, I stumble to the bathroom like a drunk, still half-asleep.
It’s not even that early. It’s eight. Which means Jensen’s probably been up for hours. He doesn’t even sleep in on vacation.
After using the bathroom, I shuffle down the hall into the living room and find him sprawled on the couch, coffee in hand, smirk on his face—reading my Kindle.
A laugh slips out as I head toward him, eyeing the espresso machine and wishing for an IV drip of caffeine. Jensen sits up fast, planting the Kindle on his lap like a teenage boy caught with porn.
“Busted,” I say. “You reading my smutty book?”
He chuckles low. “Maybe.”
I lean over the back of the couch to kiss him. “What part were you reading?”
“I don’t know. But the girl just gave the guy a really great blow job, and now I’m horny.”
I straighten, my gaze dropping to his crotch and the obvious hard-on. “I can see that,” I tease. “I’m making a latte. You want one?”
“Sure, I’ll take another.” He stands, adjusting himself before following me into the kitchen.
I pull the milk from the fridge and start the espresso machine, tamping the grounds and setting the shots. “What time are you guys leaving today?” I ask as I pour the milk into the frother. My brows knit. “I thought you were heading out at seven-thirty.”
He scoffs, sliding onto a stool. “Yeah, that was before Matt, Meg, and Kev got extra drunk last night. I doubt we see any of them before ten.”
I finish his latte and slide it across the counter.
He takes a sip. “What time’s your spa appointment?”
“Ten-thirty. So I sure hope Meg is up before then.”
“What are you having done? The whole works?”
“Yep. Massage, pedicure, facial, some kind of body scrub. It’s four and a half hours, and I’m very excited.” I pause to steam the milk, then pour the foam over my shots.
Sliding onto the stool beside him, I grin. “I’ll miss you, but it’s waaaay better than freezing my ass off on the mountain.”
He wraps both hands around his mug, grinning. “Are we ever going to get you to love skiing?”
“Honestly? Probably not. But you know I love it up here anyway.”
His hand drops to my knee, giving it a squeeze. “That’s good. And I love you for powering through.”
I meet his gaze, his expression soft and genuine. “I love you too.”
His fingers drift higher on my thigh as he leans in. His lips brush mine, then curve into a smile. “I want you on your knees later—just like that girl in your book.”
I laugh softly as his mouth comes back for seconds. “Later? Why not now?”
His hand finds mine, guiding it to his lap and pressing firmly against his cock. He’s hard as a rock, and my thumb trails down his length before he breaks the kiss, grinning as he stands.
“Nope. Not yet. You’ll have to be patient.” He’s fighting a laugh, but I can’t hold mine back.
“You literally just put my hand on your dick!”
He arches a brow. “Yeah, but I’m edging you.”
I point to myself, my grin widening. “Oh, you’re edging me? Stop reading my Kindle.”
He steps between my legs. “Why? You don’t want me to put you on your knees and call you my good girl?”
Butterflies kick low in my stomach. I’ve always loved when he gets a little filthy, like something out of the darker books I secretly devour. I know he’s partly teasing, but it’s so fun.
I shrug, a smile ghosting my lips. “I mean, I probably wouldn’t complain.”
He pulls me up, hands locking around my waist. “Tell you what. You be a good girl today, enjoy your spa day, use our credit card—and when you get home I’ll let you suck my dick.”
“You’ll let me?”
He leans closer, whispering in my ear. “I promise I’ll make it worth your time.”
I cock a brow. “Yeah? How so?”
He shakes his head. “Not telling. But I’m gonna send you dirty messages. Edging you. All. Day.”
“Can’t wait to see what you come up with. I just hope you don’t find yourself beating off in a bathroom when I respond.”
His chuckle melts into my laugh, both cut off by the warmth of his mouth.
When he finally pulls back, his eyes are soft and full of adoration. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” I whisper.
His hand cradles my face, and we kiss in the kitchen until Matt barges in. He’s shirtless, sweats slung low as he slumps toward the espresso machine. He rubs the back of his neck, shooting us a look. “Jesus. Get a room.”
So we do.
I plop down on the bed with my phone and the manila envelope Jensen gave me last night.
A missed text from him lights up the screen.
Jensen
I hope you’re ready to be worshipped by my mouth. I’m going to tease the shit out of you. Lick your pussy until you’re about to cum all over my tongue, then stop. Finger you until you’re begging for more. I can’t wait to watch you lose control.
A grin breaks across my face. He’s been sending these every hour, and it’s totally turning me on. I can’t wait for him to get home and deliver. I text him back, trying to one-up him.
You’re the one who’s going to lose control. When I wrap my lips around your cock, I want you to look at me while I take every inch of you—and when I swallow every bit of you. I know how much you love that, watching me take you.
His reply comes instantly.
Jensen
Damn, baby. I’m hard just thinking about it. That’s one of my favorite things.
I laugh, tossing my phone aside. I’ll let him sit with that one for a while. Sorting my pillows, I prop them up behind me and sit cross-legged on the bed. I flip open the manila and tip it over, spilling the contents into my lap. Each letter’s neatly labeled: Week three. Week four. Week seven.
My fingers hover over week one. My heartbeat quickens, my stomach tightening into knots. I just stare at it.
Part of me is desperate to know. To dig into this side of him—what he went through, what made him into the man I see now, how he came out of rehab stronger than ever.
But the other part craves ignorance. The easy version of us. I already lived my hard; I don’t want to shoulder his too. I’m afraid of what it might stir up in me. Afraid it’ll make my hard look small in comparison. It’s selfish, I know.
Do I really have to go back there? Can’t I just stay in the good?
I suck in a breath, then let it out slow, cheeks puffing. I can do this. This is what I’ve wanted—for him to get clean. To do the work. To help me understand why he made my life a living hell.
With shaky hands, I slip my thumb under the seal, tearing it open, and pull out the first letter.
Dear Alley,
I hate it here. I’m lonely. I’m bitter, and I’m scared as hell.
Scared to know things. Scared to remember. Scared to face everything. To face me. To talk about it.
I tilt my head back. Oh, God. My throat tightens. My eyes sting.
I take another deep breath, steeling myself.
Therapy’s the worst of it. Digging into all the shit I’ve done, dissecting it, talking about all the people I hurt. All the times I made you cry. I fucking hate it.
And I hate myself.
I’m clean. But the cravings have never been stronger. To numb this. To make it all disappear. To black out and just hope to God I don’t wake.
I feel like a coward for saying that. And I guess I am. Because when shit got hard, I left. I took the easy way out. I didn’t talk to you. I didn’t get the help I needed. I lied.
I acted strong because I didn’t want you to see me as someone who couldn’t take care of you.
I acted out of fear and desperation, and I turned into the one person you never wanted me to be.
Your dad.
Tears slide hot down my cheeks. There’s no stopping them. I inhale slowly through my nose, then look back down.
The one thing you asked of me was to not make you live that hell. And I didn’t just put you there… I rolled out the red carpet and walked you straight into it. I’m so fucking sorry.
All I ever wanted was to make you happy. To be the guy who half deserved you. To be someone who you could raise a family with. To be a good dad. Better than yours was. But I failed you.
I missed the mark. I wasn’t even close. And I didn’t even see it coming. That’s the hardest part. That someone like me could end up here. I never thought it possible.
I knew I was addicted long before I could admit I was an addict.
It happened fast. By the time I realized, it was too late.
You knew. Matt knew. Mom knew. Everyone knew but me.
Even though I did. I just lived in denial.
It couldn’t be me. I wouldn’t do that. I’m smarter than that. Stronger than that. Successful. Better.
And why me, Al? Why did this have to happen? I didn’t want this. I just wanted the pain gone. I just wanted to be your husband. To show up for you. To work. To avoid another surgery.
I just wanted to be married to my best friend. To travel, to make memories. I wanted to make you a mother, because goddamn, nothing’s sexier than the thought of you with our kids. You’ll be an amazing mom. I just hope I get to see it. That you’ll still be here waiting when I get out.
Ink smears where my tears fall.
I’m going to work hard in here. For you. For me. For our future family. Even though I hate it.
I’ll do it this time. I’ll stay clean. For good. I’ll talk about all the shit. I’ll do anything to save our marriage. To make you smile again. To make you proud of me again.
That’s all I want. For you to stand next to me and be proud you’re mine.
But right now you feel so far away. And it makes all this that much harder.
I love you. Forever.
Jensen
I don’t bother holding it in. I let it all come—the fear, the sadness, the anger, the hope. And beneath it all, the swell in my chest that’s so damn proud of him.