Chapter 13
ALIEN IMPOSTER
My heart thumped as I raced around the house turning on lamps and overhead lights. Let there be light in our lives.
Upstairs, I knocked on Jasper’s door. “Honey, family meeting downstairs.”
He didn’t answer and I assumed he was wearing his headphones, listening to music.
I knocked louder. “Jasper!”
He eventually answered the door with one side of his white Audio-Technica headphones pulled away from his ear. “Hi.”
“Your dad’s coming over,” I said. “Can we have a family meeting?”
Jasper nodded. “Give me a minute.”
When he joined me in the living room, all adorbs in his corduroy pants and olive-green sweater, I said, “I’ve made some decisions.”
“Good, Mom.” From his attempt at enthusiasm, I could tell he was trying to be brave. “What kind of decisions?”
“Let’s wait for your dad to arrive, okay? He’ll be here any second.”
Sitting at the piano, he played a major key run in a high register. His music could always calm me, and my racing heart settled as I drew in a couple of deep breaths and let him take me away.
He stepped on the sustain pedal and began stacking notes on top of a major 7th chord, creating triads that only he understood.
I closed my eyes and let the sounds wash over me.
The tones he brought out of that piano always made me think of Bill Evans, who’d become one of Jasper’s heroes.
Even the simplest playing reverberated with profound energy.
When he removed his foot from the pedal, a stark silence stung the air.
I could hear in his heavy breathing the anticipation of Rory’s return.
Jasper tickled the silence with his right hand as he eased into a soft soothing melody.
Once he’d established a theme, he used his left hand to thunder through a powerful chord progression that tugged at my heart.
As my son reached a final dramatic crescendo in his beautiful improvisation, the front door opened. He stepped on another pedal and stabbed one last chord, letting it echo throughout the house. Throughout my soul.
God, I hoped I’d made the right decision.
Rory removed his jacket and entered the living room. His sweater looked big on him, like he’d lost a lot of weight in the past few days. Much like my own, the bags under his eyes said it all. This had been the worst week of our lives.
“Hi, guys,” he said, as he went for a chair on the opposite side of the coffee table showing off my linen Christmas runner. I could see that he was nervous. Uncomfortable. Filled with anticipation.
I smiled with everything I had. “Hi.”
Jasper spun around on the piano bench to face us both, but he didn’t make eye contact with his father.
Rory’s eyes shifted from Jasper to me. “I’ve missed you two.”
I hadn’t been so nervous in years. Collecting my thoughts, I placed my hands on my lap and said, “My loves, I’ve been thinking.
The past few days have been horrendous, and I’ve tried desperately to make sense of what’s happening.
” I looked at my husband, trying to find a way past this hell.
“I’ve tried desperately to find a way to forgive you.
Or at least, to understand. None of us is perfect, but what you did is so beyond a mistake.
It cuts the head off of our love. How can I look past it? How can I ever love you again?”
Rory opened his mouth to speak, but I waved him off and added, “But I want to try. I’m not going to leave you.
You don’t deserve me, and you don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m going to give it to you.
Because of the promise I made to you, and because I believe you’re a better man than the one who committed this vile act, I’m going to allow you back into this family, and I’m going to put everything I have into forgiving you and loving you again. ”
Rory dropped his head, covered his face, and his shoulders racked as he broke into a sob. Jasper had crossed one leg over the other and was hunched over with his head resting in his hand. He stared at the rug, his jaws moving like he was chewing on something.
Through teary eyes, Rory said, “I won’t mess this up. I swear to God I won’t mess this up. I’ll give you reasons to love me again.” He cast his eyes over to his son. “You, too, Jasp. I’ll earn back your respect and love. I swear to you.”
Did Rory believe that? Did he believe he could earn back something that he hadn’t valued enough to keep in the first place?
Jasper continued staring at the rug.
“Jasper,” I said. He finally broke his stare and looked at me. “What do you think? Can we do this? Will you support my decision?”
He looked off to the right, but not at his dad. Then he returned his eyes to me and said, “I just want you to be happy, Mom.”
I smiled, forcing it with everything I had.
“I am, honey. I’m happier every day. Marriage is complicated.
” I gave a nervous laugh. “Life is complicated. Right now, I’m choosing to stick to the promises I made to your father when we married.
In return, he has to agree to seek help.
” I turned back to Rory. “You have to agree to stop overworking. To go to therapy with me. And I want you to resign your mayoral position immediately.” I slapped my leg. “No more public life.”
Rory dipped his chin.
I almost brought up the inn, but it wasn’t the right time.
Not with Jasper here. “Also,” I continued, “I’d like you to take some time off and focus on your most important jobs.
Being a father and a husband. We have plenty of money.
You can afford to take time off. Let’s regain what we had as a family.
If you have a problem with any of it, you’d better speak up now. This is all part of the deal.”
Rory smoothed his hands together nervously.
“I’ll call a press conference in the morning.
Thank you, Margot. Thank you.” He clasped his hands together.
“I promise I will never betray you again. Neither one of you.” He looked at Jasper and reiterated, “I’ll fix this, son.
I’ll earn back your trust, your love. I can’t tell you how much I regret not only this week but the past few years.
Sometimes you sleep through life. That’s what I’ve been doing. But not anymore.”
There it was. The start of something new, I hoped. Sometimes severe trauma can bring about dramatic changes.
No, we didn’t step into a group hug; it would take a long time to reach that point. This was no surface wound that would heal quickly. But no one screamed, and maybe we left the living room stronger than we had been the day before.
That was a start.
Jasper went back upstairs, and Rory followed me into the kitchen. It was time for an adult talk.
“So much to discuss,” he said, taking a seat at the island. “Where do we even begin?”
I shrugged my shoulders, tied an apron around my waist, and opened the refrigerator, wondering what I’d cook for dinner.
As I looked from shelf to shelf, my chest burned.
Something was still wrong. I didn’t feel as great as I’d hoped I would.
I wanted to hug Rory and tell him we had a lifetime to talk about things.
That we were back to normal. I wanted to tell him we hadn’t lost a beat.
That’s what a good partner would have done.
Instead, I could barely look at him. I wondered how he could even talk—how he had the gall to talk.
He was chattering on, almost as if he’d done something as simple as shattering a glass, not like he’d done something as monumental as shattering a family.
I stared blankly at the shelf with the condiments and wondered why I couldn’t let go easier.
I was so far from letting go. In fact, I wanted to scream and stomp the floor. To lash out.
Closing the refrigerator, I rounded the island and approached Rory. He turned toward me on the stool, and our eyes met. I don’t know what he expected, but he didn’t see it coming. I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. The sound of the smack echoed across the kitchen.
Without making a sound he raised his hand to touch the red mark I’d left.
I hit him again. And again. He sat there taking it like he knew he deserved the punishment. I slapped him six or seven times. As hard as I could, nearly knocking him off the stool.
Tears shot from his eyes like he was a broken fire hydrant. I wanted to scream at him, but I didn’t want Jasper to hear. Instead, I whispered, “How could you do that to me? How could you do that to Jasper?”
Still touching his cheek, he shook his stupid head. “I don’t know.” How could he explain?
I crossed my arms and asked, “Was it the first time? Tell me the truth. You lie to me ever again, and you’re gone.”
He wiped his wet cheeks. “No, it wasn’t the first time.”
Even though I’d asked for it, the painful truth turned my stomach. I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw. Once I could speak, I asked, “How many times? How long?”
“I don’t know. A few months.”
I thought of how nice Nadine had been to me. “You had sex with Nadine?” I uncrossed my arms. “Why am I asking? Of course, you did.”
Rory nodded confirmation. He still held a hand to his face. It had to be stinging, not that I cared.
I pointed a finger at him. “Never again. Don’t even think about another woman.”
He raised his hand. “I would never. I swear on everything that I am.” At that point, everything he was didn’t amount to much as far as I was concerned.
Now was the time to drop the bomb. The final act in my play, the last goal in overtime. I said, “I found a bed-and-breakfast I want to buy. You will buy it for me. It’s part of the deal.”
Rory slowly processed this shocking news. He knew I had him right where I wanted him. He dipped his chin. “Where?”
“On the other side of town. Down Eastern Road.” I told him the price.
Rory nodded. “If it’s what you want.”
There it was! Margot goes in for the win and scores!
I reached across the counter and retrieved a stack of papers that I’d printed out. “I want to make an offer tonight. Erica and I saw the property. She sent these over. We’re ready to go.”
He took the papers and started eyeing them with a lawyer’s scrutiny.
“No,” I said, “we’re not doing all this. Sign them. Don’t read them. This is my thing.” I stuck a pen in his face. He was lucky I didn’t take out an eye for fun.
Rory looked at me and realized I wasn’t joking. I watched as he initialed and signed next to where I’d already made my mark.
Looking up, he asked, “Can we go see it?”
“Tomorrow.”
He set down the pen. “Can you tell me more? I’d love to hear about it.”
“Do you really care?” I asked.
He inclined his shoulders. “Yes, I really care.”
We were already getting somewhere. Of course, he was about to spend a ton of money and wanted to learn about his investment, but still, he asked like he cared. He did care. I knew he did. He was sincere. I can tell when he’s forcing it. A woman can tell when her lover is forcing it.
When I finished cooking dinner, I climbed the stairs to find Jasper. He answered the door with headphones on again. “Will you sit with us for dinner?”
“No, thanks,” he said, his hand on the doorknob. “You guys do your thing.”
“Can I bring you a plate?”
He shook his head. “I’m okay, Mom. Seriously. I might get hungry later.”
I didn’t want our future to be like this. I didn’t want Jasper to separate himself from us. I didn’t want to lose Jasper. I didn’t want him to pull away from me because he wanted to avoid his father. There had to be a way to reconcile this familial unwinding.
I touched his face for a moment. “Can I tell you secret?”
“Yeah.”
“We’re buying an inn. I’m going to open up a bed-and-breakfast.”
Jasper tried again to be enthusiastic, saying, “That’s awesome. Good for you.”
I played along. “Thanks. I’ll need your help, you know. We’re going to put a piano in the main room. Will you play for my guests?”
“Of course.” He was saying what he thought I wanted to hear, but I knew he wasn’t excited.
I smiled again and touched his cheek. “Hey, we’ll be okay. Trust me, we’ll be okay.”
“I know we will.”
“Are you mad I’m not leaving your dad?”
Jasper sighed. “It’s not my thing, Mom. It’s your choice.”
What was I supposed to say? Though Jasper was mature for his age, how could he, as a teenager, truly understand life like an adult does?
Rory and I ate in the dining room. I told him my ideas for the bed-and-breakfast. We could open in the late spring.
We talked about our next few months. Suddenly, he would have a lot of free time on his hands.
I came around and found some happiness as we talked about the details.
He was excited to help. I wanted to believe that all we needed was time and a project, and we’d heal.
I could see the three of us driving over to our new inn and getting our hands dirty.
We could build the chicken coop together, go find out adorable little chicks.
We could go to the local animal rescue and pick out more furry friends.
This bed-and-breakfast could be what we do for the rest of our lives.
“What are you going to call it?” he asked, before taking a bite.
I was glad he was going along with whatever I suggested.
“I’ve been thinking about a name, but I don’t know yet.” I was usually so good at coming up with names, and you’d think I would have been sitting on one for a long time, this being my dream and all. But I guess naming it would have made a letdown that much more disappointing.
After cleaning up, we both said goodnight to Jasper and climbed into bed.
Unsurprisingly, the energy between my husband and me was awkward.
Rory was beaten down. He’d been getting hit from all angles.
I couldn’t keep hitting him physically, verbally, or emotionally.
If I were to forgive him, I needed to do it now. He lay there staring at the ceiling.
I turned toward him and put my hand on his chest. “We will make it.” I patted him and said the words that needed to be said. “I forgive you. And I love you.”
He turned up the corners of his mouth into a sad smile. “I love you more today than ever before. Thank you for believing in me.”
Once he was snoring, I lay back on my pillow. For the next few hours, I drowned in my own thoughts. Not about the bed-and-breakfast. Not about good things. All I could think of, all I wondered was…
Why wasn’t I happy? Why didn’t this feel right? Did I really believe in Rory? Did I really forgive him? Did I still love him like I should? Would we ever get through this? I felt like I didn’t even belong in that bed.
Like an alien in my own body.