Chapter 9 #3
Elizabeth caught Jane’s eye, and the sisters exchanged a smile at these gravely declared but deliberately rather ridiculous statements from their father.
The interplay between their utterly dissimilar parents was too familiar to be of much interest, but the proposed visit of their mysterious cousin was intriguing.
“Do tell us why he is coming, Father,” Elizabeth urged him. “There must be a story to Mr Collins’ visit.”
Mr Bennet chuckled and shuffled the pages of the letter before clearing his throat.
“Oho, Mr Collins certainly has his stories, Lizzy. Listen to this, everyone:
“Mindful as I am of the rift between my late father and yourself, Sir, I hope you will not take it amiss that I see my duty in mending this break between our branches of the family. As a man of the church, I must promote peace and unity wherever I go, and such duties begin at home.”
“How wise he sounds,” remarked Mary, even as Lydia giggled and Elizabeth shared another look of amusement with Jane.
“If you say so, Mary,” replied their father with a raised eyebrow. “But if healing the family breach is not reason enough for his visit, Mr Collins gives us several more:
“My noble patroness, the great Lady Catherine de Bourgh of Rosings, has been urging me to visit Longbourn since I first took up the living of Hunsford. As heir to Longbourn, she considers it would be foolish to proceed further in life without any preparation for my future expectations —”
“He does gloat!” exclaimed Mrs Bennet. “Clergyman or not, he is gloating. Did you hear his words? Longbourn is to be his, and he wishes to come here and gloat over it even while you still live, Mr Bennet.”
“No, no,” Mr Bennet said, hardly able to speak for laughing. “You have the wrong end of the stick entirely, Mrs Bennet. I have saved the best until last, and I give the girls fair warning now to guard their reactions:
“You should also know that Lady Catherine urges me to marry, marriage being the right and proper state for any clergyman. I am keen to gratify her ardent desires —”
“Lady Catherine wants to marry him?” interrupted Lydia with loud peals of incredulous laughter. “I cannot imagine anyone wanting to marry such a man.”
“Hush, Lydia,” Elizabeth admonished her. “That is not at all what Mr Collins meant, although I must say that he does not always express himself well or clearly.”
“What does he mean, then?” demanded Mrs Bennet. “I daresay I cannot make it out any better than Lydia.”
“You speak truly, Lizzy,” commented Mr Bennet with a smile. “Now, if I may continue, it will put a new complexion on Mr Collins’ previous words, especially for you, Mrs Bennet:
“Conscious as I am of the injury done to your fair daughters by the mere fact of my existence…”
At such an astonishing turn of phrase, Lydia and Kitty sputtered with laughter again and were silenced with a severe look from their father before he continued.
“…I feel it my duty to come to Longbourn and offer the only recompense I can to your family. I hope that this will meet with the approval of you and Mrs Bennet and that I will be able to rely on your guidance and wise counsel in my addresses.”
The two youngest girls only found this more hilarious than the preceding sentences and fell about all over again. Jane and Elizabeth looked soberly at one another, while Mrs Bennet’s face had grown thoughtful and scheming.
“Does Mr Collins want you to counsel him on marriage, Father?” asked Mary, regarding Lydia and Kitty with disapproval. “I imagined that clergymen themselves performed such an office.”
“Oh, don’t be so obtuse, Mary,” scolded her mother, although Elizabeth thought such discipline would be better meted out to the youngest girls, rather than Mary, who had only misunderstood.
“Mr Collins is coming to Longbourn to find a wife from among your father’s daughters. It is perfectly clear to me.”
“I fear you are right, Mrs Bennet,” sighed her husband, folding away his letter and taking up his cutlery once more. “That does sound like his intention.”
Lydia and Kitty had both fallen silent at the announcement of this awful prospect.
In the general pause that followed, Mr Bennet placidly continued to devour his chop with no further attention to his family.
Having given his news, he had now apparently washed his hands of the whole matter and would leave it to his very willing wife.
“Jane is engaged to Lord Grantchester, and Lizzy could do better by catching Mr Bingley and his five thousand pounds per year,” Mrs Bennet thought aloud. “One of the younger girls will do well enough for Mr Collins.”
“Well, I’m not going to marry him!” Lydia declared. “I dare say Mr Collins can be nothing besides the officers of the militia.”
“Nor shall I,” Kitty joined her younger sister in defiance. “I prefer officers to clergymen, too. I expect he cannot even dance.”
“If one of you can catch Lord Keeble, that would do very well,” advised their mother, and then sighed regretfully. “Handsome as they are, I do not believe a single officer of that militia has any fortune worth speaking of. No, you must try for Lord Keeble. He seems to like both of you well enough.”
“Yes, but he can’t marry both of us, and then the other one would have to marry Mr Collins,” Kitty complained sulkily. To judge by her attitude, Elizabeth suspected she already assumed that her louder and more outgoing younger sister would triumph in winning Lord Keeble’s heart and hand in the end.
“Oh, let Mary marry him,” Lydia replied to this with a careless wave of her hand. “She is well dull enough to be a clergyman’s wife, don’t you think?”
Instinctively, Mary frowned, but then looked thoughtful, as though seriously considering the prospect.
“As none of these men have yet expressed an interest in marrying any of you, I think you ought to hold off such firm decisions until such time as you receive an offer,” Elizabeth cautioned her sisters.
“Indeed,” agreed Mr Bennet, looking up from his plate again with infuriating amusement. “Did I not say that Mr Collins would occupy the whole family’s attention? Well, he will try his best, at least. Ha!”